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Anonymous #3
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Anonymous #4]
#28122644 - 01/03/23 01:16 PM (1 year, 25 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #4 said:you're retarded.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Kryptos]
#28123752 - 01/04/23 12:25 AM (1 year, 24 days ago) |
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Quote:
It was actually hard for me to go out and not end up with at least a few new randos.
I wish this was my experience. I am not sure what it is about my school, but it just feels like people are more cliquey, have something to prove and don't straw from their groups. I am hoping that changes as I get involved with more upperclassman. When I visit with my friends at smaller schools, I feel like people are willing to talk to anyone. Of course I am getting dangerously close to "the grass is greener wherever I am not" mindset.
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Then college ended, and everything changed. Suddenly, there was a point to socializing casually, because if I didn't, there was nobody around when I wanted to go out.
This is what scares me. Right now I am in a place with thousands of other kids with similar interests, from diverse backgrounds, and many different life experiences. I don't want to waste the chance of taking advantage of that while I can.
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Anonymous #1
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I highly suggest joining a club or class that is female-friendly.
I appreciate this advice. I have always felt intimidated by structured clubs, even in high-school. They always just felt like another thing for me to worry about and possibly mess up, fail, or be bad at. I think its about time I at least try to turn that around.
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Lynnch
Strangerer



Registered: 04/29/09
Posts: 7,855
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Anonymous #1] 2
#28123771 - 01/04/23 01:01 AM (1 year, 24 days ago) |
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So, Confidence. There are a couple ways to look at it. You've heard: "confidence is key" Does that mean you have to approach girls with complete confidence, complete certainty that they will say yes? No, of course not. You can approach a girl with all the confidence in the world, but if she's not into you, she's not into you. It's up to them to decide. On the other hand, maybe you take a wild shot while your hands are shaking and it works out, you never know. So let go of needing that certainty.
The other way to look at it is self-confidence, being secure in your self, knowing yourself and what you want. Thing is, you're 20. You're not supposed to be confident yet, you don't quite know yourself yet, you haven't done anything yet. That's what these first few years of adulthood are for, to make some mistakes and learn. You can be self-confident in knowing that you don't actually know yet.
You wanna know a real good way to approach women? Talk to them with zero intent to hook up or move forward in any way. Just chat and then move on. Kinda like Kryptos was saying, but with even less intent behind it. Ask the girl next to you if she did the homework and then ignore her for the rest of the class. The point is to just relax, and interact without trying to force anything. Open up to that uncertainty.
It's good that you recognize the opportunities around you right now, I spent my first round of college drunk alone in my dorm room, and I regretted it afterwards. Enjoy school, take advantage of everything you can! (but really just pass, it's your best bet for long term success) I'm sure there is a club with activities you enjoy that is pretty low key, you don't have to become the president.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: B Traven]
#28123772 - 01/04/23 01:02 AM (1 year, 24 days ago) |
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Stay off the porn and the dating apps
Unfortunately I succumbed to the temptation just a day or two after making my original post. I am definitely disappointed in myself. Things just got too difficult with no way to release. However, the same feelings that made me quit in the first place came back immediately, thankfully not as severe. I was hoping I could continue without ever having to feel those things again. Hopefully that will make the next stretch easier on me. The short dopamine release is definitely nothing in comparison to: the loss of self-respect, the feeling of hiding something, the desensitization to sexuality and peoples bodies, the hit on self-esteem, the feeling of turning other people into a product and making them infinitely disposable, etc. One thing I noticed once I stopped was I just felt more valuable, I felt like I was worthy of more, and that I would be enough for anyone (for the most part barring other insecurities that would sometimes pop up), but unfortunately it didn't fix my social skills! Sorry for the short rant, just trying to vent a bit!
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Side note, it's good that you were able to take no for an answer and try to continue being friends with the woman you revealed your feelings for.
Yeah this was something I taught myself in high school. Not having feelings for anyone for any reason at all is completely valid. It makes absolutely no sense to fault someone for their feelings. I am thinking the other guy in this thread my need to ponder that. As long as I am not head over heels for someone, and they treat me with respect, I feel like that is an opportunity for a great friendship. By not being able to accept "no" you are just setting yourself up for a world of negative emotions, none of which are productive, and in the end, you are the one who looks pathetic.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Lynnch]
#28123785 - 01/04/23 01:14 AM (1 year, 24 days ago) |
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I suppose I need confidence in not needing confidence. I should know sometimes you need to let go, and just let what happens happen. Lack of control or certainty can be scary, however sometimes it is a necessity. You would really thing someone who regularly does mushrooms would have figured this out. Hearing what everyone here has to say is really helping me open up to the idea. As much as I think I like being in control and knowing what is going to happen, I actually hate it. It is the cause for all my stress. I know I am not a complete moron (just a little bit of one haha), so I am pretty sure I won't do anything to make anyone uncomfortable. I am also someone who loves to laugh at myself, so maybe it won't be as hard of a change as I think, but I suppose I shouldn't be thinking that just yet.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Anonymous #3]
#28123792 - 01/04/23 01:34 AM (1 year, 24 days ago) |
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I am curious. Are you saying you are being offered more pussy because you walk down the ladder? Or is it being rude to everyone that makes women want to get in your pants?
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B Traven
Stranger



Registered: 03/10/20
Posts: 2,479
Loc: Central Megalopolis
Last seen: 34 minutes, 44 seconds
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Anonymous #1]
#28123938 - 01/04/23 07:35 AM (1 year, 24 days ago) |
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I definitely appreciate everything you said about using porn, but just to be clear, my intent in that comment was largely more prosaic. And certainly not meant to condemn any lapses.
In the absence of that release, or the option of scrolling through the online hookup market, one is forced back into olden times. You might not be hitting on everyone you encounter, but you'll eventually be thinking about things a little differently. Maybe having that extra impetus to pursue an opportunity, or even just leave the house. Maybe end up regularly flirting or spending time with someone and making deposits to the spank bank. No shame in that, and for all you know she's doing the same.
-------------------- Beware of advice- even this.
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MLPismyOPSEC
That One Ponyfucker


Registered: 11/13/18
Posts: 884
Loc: Equestria? Mordor? Wester...
Last seen: 10 days, 5 hours
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Lynnch]
#28124349 - 01/04/23 01:16 PM (1 year, 24 days ago) |
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Quote:
Kryptos said: I think your biggest problem, OP, can be summed up with one thing you said: you can't even go up to people at bars.
This is what you need to fix. Practice talking to people. Not with any expectations of a relationship, but just in general.
Try talking to cashiers. Don't try to get in their pants, but just talk. Joke around a bit.
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Lynnch said: So, Confidence. There are a couple ways to look at it. You've heard: "confidence is key" Does that mean you have to approach girls with complete confidence, complete certainty that they will say yes? No, of course not.
So let go of needing that certainty.
The other way to look at it is self-confidence, being secure in your self, knowing yourself and what you want.
Commenting to reinforce these cliffnotes, both posts were very good and i fully agree with them.
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Kryptos
Stranger

Registered: 11/01/14
Posts: 12,262
Last seen: 12 minutes, 10 seconds
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: MLPismyOPSEC]
#28124617 - 01/04/23 04:36 PM (1 year, 24 days ago) |
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Confidence is the knowledge that no matter what happens, you will be fine. That's really it. Some girl says no, great, move on. Some girl says yes, great, move on. You get invited out, great, move on. You don't get invited, great, move on.
Doing your own thing consistently and reliably is a great way to build confidence...because it distracts you from the world. It's like being a pro athlete or whatever--they are confident not because they have social skills or anything like that, they just have plans for 14 hours a day until they get too old to play. So when something doesn't go their way, they don't care, they're too busy to care.
You can also fake confidence, in a way, by...not responding. And not being needy. Like, I'm talking to a couple girls right now, one that I really like and would like to date. I texted her, she responded twice, and hasn't continued the conversation yet, because she is at a bar. Now, I have three options:
(1) the needy option, to blow up her phone and demand her attention until she tells me to fuck off
(2) the incel option, to call her a dumb slutty prude that I wouldn't fuck with a ten foot pole anyway, which will get me blocked
(3) the confident option, to wait until she texts me. Which will probably almost certainly happen tonight, when she is no longer busy at the bar.
Now, my current immediate situation, I don't actually have anything to do tonight. I'm sitting bored in a hotel room with a 4am flight. I would absolutely love to be talking to this girl. Or one of the other options, who for various reasons are also not responding RIGHT NOW. I am not in control of the situation and that feeling sucks, but that's the thing with other people. You don't control them, unless you're into being an abusive shit.
And yeah, there's a chance she won't text me back. There's a chance I'll never hear from her again. But the last time this happened and she was at the bar, suddenly my phone started going off at 115am. On top of that, we already have plans going forward. I know that things will probably go my way, and if they don't...well, I'll be fine. There are other girls.
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I should also say, there's nothing wrong with dating apps. You just need to have a bit of a thick skin, and know how to market yourself. I.e., good quality pictures of you doing cool shit, and learning to keep a conversation going and into a date direction over text. You will run into a lot of flakes, and you will deal with a lot of rejection, both outright and by not getting matches, which can affect your self image and self confidence. Be prepared for that.
On dating apps specifically, you could do the incel thing of advertising that you're 6'3, make 100k a year, and have a 9 inch dick. It will definitely help if it's true, but that will attract one very specific type of girl: the Indian scammer pretending to be a girl to sell you softcore porn.
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Since you're in college, you should make full use of ALL THE CLUBS. And the dorms, really. When I say I met randos every night, I mean I'd walk from my dorm room to the front door and pass an open room, or some people hanging out, or something similar, and I'd talk to them. Clubs just make this a little easier because there is already a topic of conversation. Back in my day, the smoking benches out in front of every dorm were a great place to meet people. That's probably less true now, smoking isn't as cool.
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