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Anonymous #1
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Trouble Developing Relationships 1
#28119494 - 12/31/22 11:24 PM (1 year, 27 days ago) |
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I mainly want to write this out to vent, as I have been enduring an immense amount of stress over this. But advice is welcome!
I am a 20 year old guy, I have never had a girlfriend. Generally I have been okay with being alone, I enjoy my own company. However, I am feeling lonely. I have had sex, but intimacy is few and far between. I have friends, most of which are from high-school, I don't feel trouble maintaining those relationships. What I want more than anything is someone to share myself with emotionally, and someone to be there for.
I feel it is incredibly difficult to understand the transition between casual conversation to friendship to dating. Because I cant figure it out, I can't even bring myself to try. I won't back away from people if they come up to me, but that doesn't happen often. I can't even go up to people at bars.
I started watching porn at a young age, I think 9 maybe even 8 I don't remember, and I believe this has had an impact on my ability to navigate and form intimate relationships. Thankfully, I haven't watched porn in 5 months (thanks mushrooms).
At this point in my life I am not sure if I am missing signs, not talking to enough people, or I am a huge dick and I don't realize it. I also feel like my lack of experience and female friends makes it difficult to maintain relationships with women. There is a girl I liked a bit last semester, I let her know, she wasn't interested. That was okay, there are tons of people I am not interested in. Anyway, she wanted to stay friends and so did I. The more that I talk to her, and the more comfortable I feel, the more I like her. She really is a good friend and a great person, and I would like to remain friends, but I am not sure if I will be able to. There was a period I was interested in someone else, and for that time, I didn't have those thoughts at all.
In the past few days my head has been running in circles around all this, trying to pre-plan relationships in my head, trying to understand social norms in regards to dating. After all this time, I feel like I am seriously doing something wrong, and there is no chance of meeting anyone if I cant identity the problem and fix it.
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Vibetyme
Smoke 1



Registered: 06/08/21
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Loc: Florida
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#28119557 - 01/01/23 01:39 AM (1 year, 27 days ago) |
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Have you tried speed dating? Or Online dating? A lot of people feel just like you do. You just need to meet them.
Also It might be worth it to pick up a waiting tables gig on the weekends to meet young waitresses you feel comfortable with.
Do you smoke weed? You might want to start if not. Weed makes people open up more and it makes most people a little horney.
Happy new year! I hope you find somebody!
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Kryptos
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Vibetyme]
#28119990 - 01/01/23 12:24 PM (1 year, 27 days ago) |
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I think your biggest problem, OP, can be summed up with one thing you said: you can't even go up to people at bars.
This is what you need to fix. Practice talking to people. Not with any expectations of a relationship, but just in general. Honestly, bars are not a great way to start learning. That's more of an intermediate level of skill.
Try talking to cashiers. Don't try to get in their pants, but just talk. Joke around a bit. It's a perfect practice interaction, because you're there for a good reason (buying shit), you're forced to interact with someone, and there is a natural end to the interaction (complete transaction).
That's what I did, a while back. I'd actually break up my shopping to hit a bunch of stores and interact with 5-6 cashiers in a given day. Even ended up on a date with a cute cashier after a few interactions.
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Lynnch
Strangerer



Registered: 04/29/09
Posts: 7,855
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#28120057 - 01/01/23 01:24 PM (1 year, 27 days ago) |
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Your problem is that you're overthinking the fuck out of this. Pre-planning relationships?? Stop dude. Stop. There's nothing to figure out, no secret. You've had sex before, you have a female friend, you've tried asking her out.. You know all the steps already.
Try. Fail. Try again. You'll be fine.
Maybe your female friend has a friend? Talk to her about it.
Also, fuck bars. You'll meet more people at the gym, a yoga class. Take an art class, something where you'll have time to talk and something to talk about.
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Hartford
Lawful Good



Registered: 11/27/19
Posts: 1,106
Loc: Tennessee
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Anonymous #1]
#28120139 - 01/01/23 02:50 PM (1 year, 27 days ago) |
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You are experiencing a very real barrier that is extremely unfair.
You need to play the long game which means making lots of money and living at a much higher standard of living than your sociopath competition.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#28120155 - 01/01/23 03:03 PM (1 year, 27 days ago) |
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Dont listen to Hartford - Were pretty sure hes a S.O.
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Hartford
Lawful Good



Registered: 11/27/19
Posts: 1,106
Loc: Tennessee
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Anonymous #1]
#28120389 - 01/01/23 06:09 PM (1 year, 27 days ago) |
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Let the best idea be the best, regardless of who speaks it.
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Kryptos
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Anonymous #2]
#28120452 - 01/01/23 07:10 PM (1 year, 26 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #2 said: Dont listen to Hartford - Were pretty sure hes a S.O.
A significant other?
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Vibetyme]
#28120618 - 01/01/23 10:14 PM (1 year, 26 days ago) |
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I haven't tried online dating yet. In my opinion apps like Tinder and Bumble turn people into commodities, and that has really turn me off to the idea of swiping on people. However maybe I just need to chill out about that, swallow my pride, and give it a shot.
I think picking up a job would be a great idea, I live in a large college town during the school year, so its not like there is a lack of simple jobs with people my age around. The past few semesters I have been stressed with keeping my grades up, but rent won't pay itself!
I am not a smoker, I have in the past, but I just don't really enjoy it. Since my decision to not smoke in general, I have done so in social settings.
Happy new year to you as well, and thank you!
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Kryptos]
#28120624 - 01/01/23 10:23 PM (1 year, 26 days ago) |
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I think you are on to something with the simple practice. The thing is for me is I have never considered myself a shy person, or even really that socially anxious. So for me I figure I could do those things if I wanted to, so I don't see the point. Maybe I need to consider the whole picture more. When I was younger I could talk to anyone, and speak my mind, but once I hit high-school that changed a bit, I became more introspective and a bit less outgoing with people I wasn't familiar with. I am definitely going to try starting up more casual conversation this coming semester. Thank you for the advice!
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Lynnch]
#28120631 - 01/01/23 10:36 PM (1 year, 26 days ago) |
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Quote:
Your problem is that you're overthinking the fuck out of this. Pre-planning relationships?? Stop dude. Stop. There's nothing to figure out, no secret. You've had sex before, you have a female friend, you've tried asking her out.. You know all the steps already.
In the past day, after more stewing over this, I feel as though maybe I just lack confidence. I know there is no secret, and I think that what scares me. I can't be confident in what I am doing if there are 1000 other ways to do it, some good, some bad. In highschool I would argue with my friends over math homework answers, and I was confident in myself almost of the point of arrogance. I am hoping I can figure out how to apply the confidence I had then in what I was doing, to my social self in the future.
Quote:
Try. Fail. Try again. You'll be fine.
I have been trying to keep this mindset, for the most part successfully, but there have definitely been more fails.
Quote:
Maybe your female friend has a friend? Talk to her about it.
I am hoping I can make some connections through her. I actually asked her for advice for this other girl I was interested in. She hyped me up enough to actually ask the girl out, no date, and I was literally shaking (hopefully not noticeably haha) but I was so happy I was able to overcome my thoughts in that moment.
Quote:
Also, fuck bars. You'll meet more people at the gym, a yoga class. Take an art class, something where you'll have time to talk and something to talk about.
I agree, I am only interested in bars for hookups, which are definitely much less preferable to a relationship, but it's better than nothing. I am hoping to join some clubs, but my school has so many its hard to find the ones I would be interested in.
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stubb
Dahg Rastubfari


Registered: 03/23/19
Posts: 1,310
Loc: Memory
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Anonymous #1]
#28120671 - 01/02/23 12:34 AM (1 year, 26 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #1 said: In highschool I would argue with my friends over math homework answers, and I was confident in myself almost of the point of arrogance. I am hoping I can figure out how to apply the confidence I had then in what I was doing, to my social self in the future.
It's easy to be confident in answers to math problems that are immutably correct. Relationships aren't like that, there are no 'answers' at all, right or wrong. I still don't understand how conversation turns to friendships turns to relationships, it just does sometimes, and it can be difficult to just let things simply do and be.
And with respect, you're too damn young to be stressing like this. I didn't really date in HS either but I met my wife when I was your age, at it's pretty young compared to ages most of our married friends met each other. The 'happily ever after' concept is a load of hogwash anyway, life is too dynamic and multidimensional for cop-out fairy tale endings.
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Kryptos
Stranger

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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Anonymous #1]
#28120715 - 01/02/23 04:17 AM (1 year, 26 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #1 said: I think you are on to something with the simple practice. The thing is for me is I have never considered myself a shy person, or even really that socially anxious. So for me I figure I could do those things if I wanted to, so I don't see the point. Maybe I need to consider the whole picture more. When I was younger I could talk to anyone, and speak my mind, but once I hit high-school that changed a bit, I became more introspective and a bit less outgoing with people I wasn't familiar with. I am definitely going to try starting up more casual conversation this coming semester. Thank you for the advice!
Yeah, I never worried about it either. Because until my final year of college, I routinely met people every single night. It was actually hard for me to go out and not end up with at least a few new randos.
Then college ended, and everything changed. Suddenly, there was a point to socializing casually, because if I didn't, there was nobody around when I wanted to go out.
Social skills are skills, and require practice. College is easy mode because nobody has much going on and everyone is in the same boat.
Also, you'll very quickly realize that the vast majority of people have no social skills. One of the weirdest things I've ever experienced was a work event where I tried to get to know people outside of my department, and the next day I overheard one of my coworkers talking to someone else about how naturally I "worked the crowd". I didn't think I was doing anything special, but then I realized that most of the people at that event stayed within their circle of immediate coworkers.
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koods
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Hartford]
#28121247 - 01/02/23 02:04 PM (1 year, 26 days ago) |
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Quote:
Hartford said: You are experiencing a very real barrier that is extremely unfair.
You need to play the long game which means making lots of money and living at a much higher standard of living than your sociopath competition.
What a miserable worldview
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NotSheekle said βif I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to herβ
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Anonymous #3
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: koods]
#28121282 - 01/02/23 02:29 PM (1 year, 26 days ago) |
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Basically, romantically speaking, everyone is fucked
Women in general feel they are worth more than they are because they've had enough guys occasionally climb down the ladder to drunkenly fuck them that they think they're more attractive than they are. They are also sold the false idea that they should be able to expect a man to be the best in all areas (6'2" or taller, +150k/year, 8.5-10 in looks, smart, morally intact, and so on) while offering very little to the relationship themselves. This sets a woman up for nothing but disappointment and misery but this is the lie they're being fed and puts them in the mindset to be a completely shitty and entitled partner
Edited by Anonymous (01/03/23 12:59 AM)
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#28121887 - 01/02/23 09:54 PM (1 year, 25 days ago) |
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Sounds like you need more interactions with women.
I highly suggest joining a club or class that is female-friendly.
Heres some suggestion:
Yoga Aerobic Exercising Cooking Arts/Crafts Dancing Live Music Sports like Soccer, Softball, Basketball Fashion Shows Conventions Volunteering/Co-Ops Hostels
The joining a resturant is a great idea. I once worked as a bus boy at a busy resturant in Hawaii. I met a girlfriend there and before that, i had a intimate kiss/weed pass with another girl from that resturant like a week before i had the other girl as my girlfriend. That job made me feel like a pimp. Wild, sexy times back then. If the money was good, Id work as a waiter just to meet cool women.
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Kryptos
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Anonymous #3] 1
#28122151 - 01/03/23 05:38 AM (1 year, 25 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #3 said: Basically, romantically speaking, everyone is fucked
Women in general feel they are worth more than they are because they've had enough guys occasionally climb down the ladder to drunkenly fuck them that they think they're more attractive than they are. They are also sold the false idea that they should be able to expect a man to be the best in all areas (6'2" or taller, +150k/year, 8.5-10 in looks, smart, morally intact, and so on) while offering very little to the relationship themselves. This sets a woman up for nothing but disappointment and misery but this is the lie they're being fed and puts them in the mindset to be a completely shitty and entitled partner
Word of advice, other men: don't listen to this incel shit if you want to experience any sort of romantic success.
Just be decent and friendly.
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B Traven
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Anonymous #1]
#28122169 - 01/03/23 06:19 AM (1 year, 25 days ago) |
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You're only 20, in school full-time, and at least somewhat responsible for supporting yourself. It also sounds like you take your studies seriously. And you're interested in a relationship that you'd also take seriously.
And you're surrounded by other 20 year olds, most of whom are just as confused as you are but are also just getting wasted and hooking up, getting completely caught up in the illusion of endless options that porn and dating apps provide, etc.
I'd posit, to some extent, that there's nothing to get. You're just busy, and at a time and place in your life where what you're specifically looking for is in short supply.
Stay off the porn and the dating apps, stop thinking about this shit if you can help it, and carve out some time for social/recreational/cultural activities that you enjoy. Being unselfconsciously into anything can be very attractive. And this might sound a bit crass, but if you set out to just have a good time and end up making yourself attractive enough, then you won't have to worry so much about "making the first move" or "picking up cues," because it'll become pretty obvious when a woman is crushing/hitting on you.
I remember feeling a similar way when I was your age and in college. Within 6 months of graduating and moving away from college town life, I had met and hooked up with the woman who I've spent the last 3 decades with. There really hadn't been anything wrong with me or my approach to meeting women- I just hadn't met any yet who checked all my boxes and were looking for the same commitment I was.
Side note, it's good that you were able to take no for an answer and try to continue being friends with the woman you revealed your feelings for. And you should definitely move on, and try to stop thinking about it. But I also wouldn't be at all surprised if she ends up circling back around further down the line. I like the idea of asking her to introduce you to her single friends. Her reactions to that could be quite telling. If everything she said is to be taken at face value, great, you think she's cool and so she can maybe set you up with one of her cool friends. If there's a little more stirring beneath the surface, then she might take overt or covert umbrage at the suggestion, which could suggest a future circle-back.
-------------------- Beware of advice- even this.
Edited by B Traven (01/03/23 06:34 AM)
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Anonymous #3
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Kryptos]
#28122309 - 01/03/23 09:15 AM (1 year, 25 days ago) |
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Quote:
Kryptos said:
Quote:
Anonymous #3 said: Basically, romantically speaking, everyone is fucked
Women in general feel they are worth more than they are because they've had enough guys occasionally climb down the ladder to drunkenly fuck them that they think they're more attractive than they are. They are also sold the false idea that they should be able to expect a man to be the best in all areas (6'2" or taller, +150k/year, 8.5-10 in looks, smart, morally intact, and so on) while offering very little to the relationship themselves. This sets a woman up for nothing but disappointment and misery but this is the lie they're being fed and puts them in the mindset to be a completely shitty and entitled partner
Word of advice, other men: don't listen to this incel shit if you want to experience any sort of romantic success.
Just be decent and friendly.
Yeah, be decent and friendly so you can live your whole life in the friend zone...good advice dork
Edited by Anonymous (01/15/23 07:56 PM)
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Anonymous #4
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Re: Trouble Developing Relationships [Re: Anonymous #3] 2
#28122536 - 01/03/23 11:54 AM (1 year, 25 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #3 said: This isn't incel shit, it's the way of the world I've probably turned down more pussy than you've ever been offered
I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're correct in this. My point still stands: you're retarded.
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