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InvisibleThorA
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BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA * 1
    #28115092 - 12/28/22 12:39 PM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Just curious how many kinksters in the community we have here, I've noticed a fair bunch in kinky FB groups for Shroom communities, and wondered if that is here on our forums.

Also been in the BDSM lifestyle for 20+ years, if anyone has any questions about it, private message or posts. Been a Dom mostly, Master briefly, done pretty much everything I can think of, lots I'm sure I haven't.


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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: Thor]
    #28115160 - 12/28/22 01:54 PM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Right on :cool2:

Im not a kinkster but i do love a good AMA.

I got a couple questions for ya:

Whats the difference between a Master and Dom?

Do you have a favorite type of man or woman you enjoy Dom'ing/Mastering?

At what age did you realize BDSM was your kink?


--------------------
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InvisibleCreonAntigone
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Registered: 05/30/21
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Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 1
    #28116961 - 12/29/22 11:30 PM (1 year, 29 days ago)

I used to go to kink parties, went to perhaps 8 or 9. I've had play sessions with kink elements a few times, and recently I've been talking with someone who wants to date and is a sub. It's something I've always been drawn to, and if done right can be a liberating positive experience.

That being said... in its current form, I really can't recommend the kink community. I read too much bad experiences. And not isolated experiences, but problems that reveal that the community systematically protects abusers and rapists.

In the community I used to play at, there was someone who was accused of abuse and sexual assault by a long-term partner. Since he was charismatic, he had many defenders who minimized or denied all her claims. Some people even said they believed her claims entirely but still asserted they wanted to maintain friendships with him. And one of those people who ardently defended him was considered a 'trusted member of the community', attended munches and parties, was looked at as a resource, had lots of friends everywhere. He'd regularly go on the posts she made and delegitimize her, at one point telling her to shut up.

Lo and behold, later on two more women made accusations against the abuser. Since they weren't as unpopular or bullied as the original woman who made the accusation, people did start to believe it and avoid him. Still he was allowed to play at most places and was never really excluded anywhere. This same 'trusted member of the community' continued to defend this guy against these multiple accusations from vulnerable people, and is probably friends with him to this day, though I haven't been on fetlife in years to check. Sometimes it is even worse than this: sometimes the 'trusted member of the community' is the person actively abusing others, and is protected by fans and others who gaslight accusers. There is the famous case of 'the wolf' on fetlife, who writes accounts of doing things women did not agree to and just 'assuming they were into it', even if they give a safeword or say no; to this day, despite accusations from many people about how he is a rapist, he continues to attract fans and be regarded as a legitimate member of the kink community. There is little policing against bad actors.

You might say, 'it is he said-she said'. Yet there are cases where dozens point to the dangerous abuse they suffered at the hands of popular people in kink, and still one person is believed over a dozen. This happens again and again; it's not an abberation, it's a pattern of the community repeatedly failing to protect the vulnerable.

The way it is now, I would never recommend someone get involved in the kink community, since I couldn't forgive myself if my recommendation that they do so might result in them being the target of sexual violence, something that has life-long consequences, can cause severe ptsd, depression and be crippling. I read so many stories on BDSM communities (reddit, fetlife etc) of rampant abuse and violation of limits; the perpetrators are almost never caught (maybe one in a thousand ever see any consequence legally), and sometimes they are applauded and the victims are gaslit (as in the case of 'the wolf', or the one from my local community I mentioned).

I don't think BDSM is inherently tied to sexual assault or violating consent. If someone does it with the right attitude, it can be wonderful, because it's really about paying attention to what others want and is very focused on consent. However, the community right now is rampant with sexual violence and does not take sufficient action to protect people. As a result, it is often unsafe. It's not really safer to meet one-on-one people beyond parties either. There are many abusers who use kink as a way to find vulnerable people, and they often use the fact that it is kink as opposed to regular dating to use anonymous names and other means to hide their identity; from there, they harm many people. They often ignore limits intentionally. And when people are harmed after agreeing to do BDSM, often they have little recourse; it is extremely common for people who report sexual assault to be ignored if BDSM was involved at all, as it is assumed that they must have consented to anything that happened to them.

Will people still want to get involved if they were to know that, A. the community is full of people who wish to do others harm (some of the BDSM communities I look at have stories every week of sexual violence), B. the community often protects the most prominent abusers if they're popular people, and C. if one engages in BDSM, the law will often offer them no recourse if they do get harmed? It doesn't look so appealing once those facts become apparent. If someone wants to engage in it, I would suggest a higher than normal level of vetting - at the minimum, know the real name of anyone you do anything with. Even still, I can't tell people that the risk is worth it, especially if they are a bottom or submissive.


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Invisiblejack_straw2208
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Registered: 02/12/07
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Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: CreonAntigone] * 3
    #28116997 - 12/30/22 12:43 AM (1 year, 29 days ago)

I was seeing a chick that liked to pretend she was a big bank and she would have me pretend to be a first generation immigrant and she would sign me up for overdraft "protection" but then not attach a line of credit to the checking account, and then when I would have my English speaking cousin call her to ask why I'm overdrafted $690, she would procede to sign me up for a high limit, high interest rate credit card.

The sex was meh but she could really cook.


--------------------
If you can’t tell what you desperately need, it’s probably sleep.


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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: CreonAntigone]
    #28117020 - 12/30/22 01:32 AM (1 year, 29 days ago)

Wow, youve really opened my eyes Creon. I never knew it was that bad.....:nonono: its such a grey area it seems if any BDSM is involved. Its like where does the line of consent lie between a Dom and a Sub :strokebeard: Its so subjective to others i guess.

Jack_straw, that was fuckin funny :lol:

Roleplays are cool :cool2:

I once met a girl named Sterling who was into BDSM. Her beauty and personality were special. I was in love with her within about 10mins. The BDSM was a bit off-putting to me but I would have done it for her :heart:

Sadly i said something mean to her because i was impatiently waiting for her texts (she worked 2 jobs) and never heard from her again....


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OfflinePatchouli_Savage
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Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 1
    #28117364 - 12/30/22 11:11 AM (1 year, 29 days ago)

Good insight Creon, and as a sub/bottom (will switch with the right people/dynamic) I can confirm, and because of people like this I am not "in the scene."

I've gone to one local munch and it was pretty much dead, but looking at the people who have interacted with me on fetlife that did not clear my vetting process who also have been attending the munches and are looking to set up parties, I have no interest in being involved.

I worry that the people oeganizing the munches are too relaxed about who they invite to their parties because it's a rural area and there aren't a lot of us. I was told I was welcome to start attending play parties after a very short conversation at my first and only munch so it felt like "vetting" was handshake and 15 minutes of small talk and I'm not comfortable with that.

If I meet people organically with whom share compatable kinks that's great, but I'm not actively seeking a relationship of ang kind.

@Logicalchaos I really don't see the line between Dom and sub being grey or blurred at all....My D/s relationships have been pre-negotiated and re-negotiated to death and any lines that have been crossed were clear lines and any crossing of them was assault/abuse.

Abusive people just like to rely on the average person's lack of experience and understanding of BDSM to get away with and justify their abusive behavior and it often works for them. :shrug:

I think part of why the "line" could he subjective to others like you said is because to determine the line that has been crossed, the victims must provide detailed accounts of specific kink activities that were agreed upon and then discuss the hard limit that was crossed, which could he uncomfortable for the victim of course but could be extremely uncomfortable for a vanilla person to hear and if they are not into kink at all and cannot relate to or identify with the assaulted party, they would be more likely to dismiss the legitimacy of the victim's claims altogether.

As far as what Creon is specifically talking about, I have read a few accounts of this and considering I've run into similar situations many times with vanilla people in my real life, I am not at all surprised that charismatic abusive people are held up and protected by their "followers" in the kink community.


--------------------
"You are a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust. What do you have to be scared of?"


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InvisibleThorA
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Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 1
    #28119088 - 12/31/22 05:07 PM (1 year, 28 days ago)

LogicaL Chaos said:
Right on :cool2:

Im not a kinkster but i do love a good AMA.

I got a couple questions for ya:

Quote:

Whats the difference between a Master and Dom?





Uff, well depends honestly, region, age. Used to be you would earn that Master title over starting from submissive.

I would say in the last 10-20 years, a Master is someone very well experienced, who has extensive knowledge. A Dom can be a "in the bedroom" or 24/7 which has a wide berth of what that means.

Quote:


Do you have a favorite type of man or woman you enjoy Dom'ing/Mastering?



Been through a number of variety of experiences, I would think for me younger and needing a mentor has been my favorite throughout the years.

Quote:

At what age did you realize BDSM was your kink?





I think I knew about 11-13 I was aware my kinks were not normal, but for me I would have been around 99-00 when I first joined a local Fetlife event and found my family so to speak.


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InvisibleThorA
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Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: CreonAntigone]
    #28119115 - 12/31/22 05:22 PM (1 year, 28 days ago)

LogicaL Chaos said:
Right on :cool2:

Im not a kinkster but i do love a good AMA.

I got a couple questions for ya:

Quote:

Whats the difference between a Master and Dom?





Uff, well depends honestly, region, age. Used to be you would earn that Master title over starting from submissive.

I would say in the last 10-20 years, a Master is someone very well experienced, who has extensive knowledge. A Dom can be a "in the bedroom" or 24/7 which has a wide berth of what that means.

Quote:


Do you have a favorite type of man or woman you enjoy Dom'ing/Mastering?



Been through a number of variety of experiences, I would think for me younger and needing a mentor has been my favorite throughout the years.

Quote:

At what age did you realize BDSM was your kink?





I think I knew about 11-13 I was aware my kinks were not normal, but for me I would have been around 99-00 when I first joined a local Fetlife event and found my family so to speak.

Quote:

CreonAntigone said:
I used to go to kink parties, went to perhaps 8 or 9. I've had play sessions with kink elements a few times, and recently I've been talking with someone who wants to date and is a sub. It's something I've always been drawn to, and if done right can be a liberating positive experience.

That being said... in its current form, I really can't recommend the kink community. I read too much bad experiences. And not isolated experiences, but problems that reveal that the community systematically protects abusers and rapists.

In the community I used to play at, there was someone who was accused of abuse and sexual assault by a long-term partner. Since he was charismatic, he had many defenders who minimized or denied all her claims. Some people even said they believed her claims entirely but still asserted they wanted to maintain friendships with him. And one of those people who ardently defended him was considered a 'trusted member of the community', attended munches and parties, was looked at as a resource, had lots of friends everywhere. He'd regularly go on the posts she made and delegitimize her, at one point telling her to shut up.

Lo and behold, later on two more women made accusations against the abuser. Since they weren't as unpopular or bullied as the original woman who made the accusation, people did start to believe it and avoid him. Still he was allowed to play at most places and was never really excluded anywhere. This same 'trusted member of the community' continued to defend this guy against these multiple accusations from vulnerable people, and is probably friends with him to this day, though I haven't been on fetlife in years to check. Sometimes it is even worse than this: sometimes the 'trusted member of the community' is the person actively abusing others, and is protected by fans and others who gaslight accusers. There is the famous case of 'the wolf' on fetlife, who writes accounts of doing things women did not agree to and just 'assuming they were into it', even if they give a safeword or say no; to this day, despite accusations from many people about how he is a rapist, he continues to attract fans and be regarded as a legitimate member of the kink community. There is little policing against bad actors.

You might say, 'it is he said-she said'. Yet there are cases where dozens point to the dangerous abuse they suffered at the hands of popular people in kink, and still one person is believed over a dozen. This happens again and again; it's not an abberation, it's a pattern of the community repeatedly failing to protect the vulnerable.

The way it is now, I would never recommend someone get involved in the kink community, since I couldn't forgive myself if my recommendation that they do so might result in them being the target of sexual violence, something that has life-long consequences, can cause severe ptsd, depression and be crippling. I read so many stories on BDSM communities (reddit, fetlife etc) of rampant abuse and violation of limits; the perpetrators are almost never caught (maybe one in a thousand ever see any consequence legally), and sometimes they are applauded and the victims are gaslit (as in the case of 'the wolf', or the one from my local community I mentioned).

I don't think BDSM is inherently tied to sexual assault or violating consent. If someone does it with the right attitude, it can be wonderful, because it's really about paying attention to what others want and is very focused on consent. However, the community right now is rampant with sexual violence and does not take sufficient action to protect people. As a result, it is often unsafe. It's not really safer to meet one-on-one people beyond parties either. There are many abusers who use kink as a way to find vulnerable people, and they often use the fact that it is kink as opposed to regular dating to use anonymous names and other means to hide their identity; from there, they harm many people. They often ignore limits intentionally. And when people are harmed after agreeing to do BDSM, often they have little recourse; it is extremely common for people who report sexual assault to be ignored if BDSM was involved at all, as it is assumed that they must have consented to anything that happened to them.

Will people still want to get involved if they were to know that, A. the community is full of people who wish to do others harm (some of the BDSM communities I look at have stories every week of sexual violence), B. the community often protects the most prominent abusers if they're popular people, and C. if one engages in BDSM, the law will often offer them no recourse if they do get harmed? It doesn't look so appealing once those facts become apparent. If someone wants to engage in it, I would suggest a higher than normal level of vetting - at the minimum, know the real name of anyone you do anything with. Even still, I can't tell people that the risk is worth it, especially if they are a bottom or submissive.




I have not often wanted to just scream at someone, and go line for line about all the things they got wrong....

But it would be exhausting, and while you clearly have many accurate concerns about BDSM, you are so dead wrong on so many things its frustrating.


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,670
Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: CreonAntigone]
    #28122349 - 01/03/23 09:47 AM (1 year, 25 days ago)

Quote:

CreonAntigone said:
I read so many stories on BDSM communities (reddit, fetlife etc) of rampant abuse and violation of limits; the perpetrators are almost never caught (maybe one in a thousand ever see any consequence legally), and sometimes they are applauded and the victims are gaslit (as in the case of 'the wolf', or the one from my local community I mentioned).



In your response you quite consistently equate 'community' with online platforms. They're not the same. A community is a group of people that are associated with each other through social connections. An online platform may facilitate this process. When it comes to BDSM, there's a truckload of communities (in the true sense of the word), and quite a few people are also active on platforms like FetLife. Still, there's no 1:1 relationship between e.g. FetLife and 'the BDSM community' (which doesn't exist; see remark on multiple communities).

Then there's the issue of being part of something vs. practicing something. I've never considered myself to be a real part of any BDSM community although I've gone to a couple of social events associated with them and I have several active social contacts with people who I consider to be active members of BDSM-related communities. Interestingly, part of those contacts revolved around me photographing people being their kinky selves, which was/is empowering to them and helps them to position themselves in the community. In that sense, I'm more indirectly involved. Still, BDSM is and has been a part of me for 20 years or so. As such, your comment of not recommending 'becoming part of the community' hopefully doesn't mean you'd want people to stay away from BDSM as a wide range of activities that form a fairly common part of human sexual activity. As such, I think your comment is in fact counterproductive as it might lead people to think there's a good reason to closet their feelings, with all the inherent and potentially damaging frustration, depression and sense of rejection that comes with it. And yes, the 'BDSM community' is chock full of those. In fact, I think that's still a much more pressing problem since it's more widespread than the couple of really bad apples that do indeed exist as well.

Having said all that, for me, BDSM (as amorphous as a collection of interests, activities, preferences etc. can be...) is something that comes and goes, but never really goes away. There are periods it's more to the forefront in my life, but as I grow older, it seems that the more quiet periods are more frequent as well as longer. Sometimes I find that a pity, although with the quiet in the sexual arena (BDSM for me is inseparably tied with sexuality; keep in mind this is not true for everyone) also comes a peace of mind that I quite like. Lose some, gain some.

Fortunately, the woman whom I've been with for 9 years now and myself are complementary in our preferences and desires, and from time to time we have great fun living out all kinds of totally debauched shenanigans. Most of it revolves around pain and humiliation, which may sound weird and scary to those who're not into this kind of thing, but they coexist with a deeply embedded mutual respect and strong bond between us. It's a fascinating synthesis of apparently opposing forces.

As said, it's great fun if you're wired that way, because for me, BDSM is really the same as any other dimension of sexual orientation. It's part of you, whether you like it or not, and if it happens to be who you are, best embrace it and take it as it comes. There's no 'cure' for being a fetishist anymore than there's a 'cure' for being gay.

Alright, enough said. Nice of you to bring this up, @Thor. And good to see you around. It's been a while (you may not remember me).


Edited by koraks (01/03/23 09:49 AM)


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OfflineAbombs
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Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: koraks] * 1
    #28149978 - 01/21/23 03:53 AM (1 year, 7 days ago)

Quite interested in the sensations that can be elicited in the dungeon. I don't enjoy hurting people but putting my ideas to work. slowly building pain upon pleasure.

Just need a willing partner 🤐


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Invisibleloladoreen
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Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: Thor]
    #28151056 - 01/21/23 08:08 PM (1 year, 6 days ago)

I have never had a partner that would be down to try/play to see if I like it.


--------------------
“One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.”


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Invisibleloladoreen
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Posts: 5,339
Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: Thor]
    #28151070 - 01/21/23 08:13 PM (1 year, 6 days ago)

Quote:

Thor said:
LogicaL Chaos said:
Right on :cool2:

Im not a kinkster but i do love a good AMA.

I got a couple questions for ya:

Quote:

Whats the difference between a Master and Dom?





Uff, well depends honestly, region, age. Used to be you would earn that Master title over starting from submissive.

I would say in the last 10-20 years, a Master is someone very well experienced, who has extensive knowledge. A Dom can be a "in the bedroom" or 24/7 which has a wide berth of what that means.

Quote:


Do you have a favorite type of man or woman you enjoy Dom'ing/Mastering?



Been through a number of variety of experiences, I would think for me younger and needing a mentor has been my favorite throughout the years.

Quote:

At what age did you realize BDSM was your kink?





I think I knew about 11-13 I was aware my kinks were not normal, but for me I would have been around 99-00 when I first joined a local Fetlife event and found my family so to speak.

Quote:

CreonAntigone said:
I used to go to kink parties, went to perhaps 8 or 9. I've had play sessions with kink elements a few times, and recently I've been talking with someone who wants to date and is a sub. It's something I've always been drawn to, and if done right can be a liberating positive experience.

That being said... in its current form, I really can't recommend the kink community. I read too much bad experiences. And not isolated experiences, but problems that reveal that the community systematically protects abusers and rapists.

In the community I used to play at, there was someone who was accused of abuse and sexual assault by a long-term partner. Since he was charismatic, he had many defenders who minimized or denied all her claims. Some people even said they believed her claims entirely but still asserted they wanted to maintain friendships with him. And one of those people who ardently defended him was considered a 'trusted member of the community', attended munches and parties, was looked at as a resource, had lots of friends everywhere. He'd regularly go on the posts she made and delegitimize her, at one point telling her to shut up.

Lo and behold, later on two more women made accusations against the abuser. Since they weren't as unpopular or bullied as the original woman who made the accusation, people did start to believe it and avoid him. Still he was allowed to play at most places and was never really excluded anywhere. This same 'trusted member of the community' continued to defend this guy against these multiple accusations from vulnerable people, and is probably friends with him to this day, though I haven't been on fetlife in years to check. Sometimes it is even worse than this: sometimes the 'trusted member of the community' is the person actively abusing others, and is protected by fans and others who gaslight accusers. There is the famous case of 'the wolf' on fetlife, who writes accounts of doing things women did not agree to and just 'assuming they were into it', even if they give a safeword or say no; to this day, despite accusations from many people about how he is a rapist, he continues to attract fans and be regarded as a legitimate member of the kink community. There is little policing against bad actors.

You might say, 'it is he said-she said'. Yet there are cases where dozens point to the dangerous abuse they suffered at the hands of popular people in kink, and still one person is believed over a dozen. This happens again and again; it's not an abberation, it's a pattern of the community repeatedly failing to protect the vulnerable.

The way it is now, I would never recommend someone get involved in the kink community, since I couldn't forgive myself if my recommendation that they do so might result in them being the target of sexual violence, something that has life-long consequences, can cause severe ptsd, depression and be crippling. I read so many stories on BDSM communities (reddit, fetlife etc) of rampant abuse and violation of limits; the perpetrators are almost never caught (maybe one in a thousand ever see any consequence legally), and sometimes they are applauded and the victims are gaslit (as in the case of 'the wolf', or the one from my local community I mentioned).

I don't think BDSM is inherently tied to sexual assault or violating consent. If someone does it with the right attitude, it can be wonderful, because it's really about paying attention to what others want and is very focused on consent. However, the community right now is rampant with sexual violence and does not take sufficient action to protect people. As a result, it is often unsafe. It's not really safer to meet one-on-one people beyond parties either. There are many abusers who use kink as a way to find vulnerable people, and they often use the fact that it is kink as opposed to regular dating to use anonymous names and other means to hide their identity; from there, they harm many people. They often ignore limits intentionally. And when people are harmed after agreeing to do BDSM, often they have little recourse; it is extremely common for people who report sexual assault to be ignored if BDSM was involved at all, as it is assumed that they must have consented to anything that happened to them.

Will people still want to get involved if they were to know that, A. the community is full of people who wish to do others harm (some of the BDSM communities I look at have stories every week of sexual violence), B. the community often protects the most prominent abusers if they're popular people, and C. if one engages in BDSM, the law will often offer them no recourse if they do get harmed? It doesn't look so appealing once those facts become apparent. If someone wants to engage in it, I would suggest a higher than normal level of vetting - at the minimum, know the real name of anyone you do anything with. Even still, I can't tell people that the risk is worth it, especially if they are a bottom or submissive.




I have not often wanted to just scream at someone, and go line for line about all the things they got wrong....

But it would be exhausting, and while you clearly have many accurate concerns about BDSM, you are so dead wrong on so many things its frustrating.




What is AMA?


--------------------
“One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.”


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,670
Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: loladoreen] * 1
    #28151406 - 01/22/23 01:49 AM (1 year, 6 days ago)

Ask Me Anything.

Or, in this context, Agitate Me Anally.


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Invisibleloladoreen
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Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: koraks]
    #28151407 - 01/22/23 01:50 AM (1 year, 6 days ago)

Thank you


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“One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.”


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OfflineAbombs
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Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: loladoreen]
    #28152755 - 01/22/23 07:46 PM (1 year, 5 days ago)

To you kinky ones do you enjoy the physical challenge. And enduring pain to be the fulfilling part.

I'm pretty sure I'll be in a dungeon at some point.
Can you where a mask in porn?


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
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Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: Abombs]
    #28153096 - 01/23/23 01:34 AM (1 year, 5 days ago)

Quote:

Abombs said:
To you kinky ones do you enjoy the physical challenge. And enduring pain to be the fulfilling part.



That's part of it, but not the full story, nor the essence, and that's coming from a sadist. So it's not only or primarily about pain. Note that I'm on the other end of the 'transaction' here, but I've played and talked with quite a few people, so I'm generally aware of their viewpoint (which is diverse, btw).

First of all, your question focuses on pain, so I'll focus on the masochist, but note that there are many other modes of being in BDSM. A masochist is different from a sub, a brat, a princess, a degradee, an exhibitionist, etc. There's so many flavors, and they tend to come as a complex mix in most people.

When someone is subjected to pain in a consensual BDSM setting, motives and feelings that commonly play a role include:
* Enjoying the physical sensation of pain (although this is not as common as you may think; pain is pain for most people). The enjoyment mostly seems to come from the fact that in some people, pain and pleasure are neurologically related, so if the setting is right and the type of pain is as well, they will experience enjoyment parallel to the pain, so to speak. They exist side by side, and as a result, the pain itself gets associated with feelings of pleasure.
* A feeling of accomplishment when having gone through a painful 'procedure'; a sense of pride of having withstood it all, so to say.
* Eagerness to please; part of the BDSM dynamic for many is that the person who is subjected to someone else derives pleasure from pleasing the other person. In sexual terms, they get aroused from the arousal of the other. A reinforcing dynamic tends to result from this - you know, just like vanilla sex, but the stimulus and dynamic is different.
* Coping and catharsis; for some people, undergoing pain play is a means to deal with mental or emotional challenges. The ethics and sensibility of this can be debated if you get past a certain point, but that's a bit of a grey area. However, it's very common for a masochist to desire to 'play' when e.g. going through a stressful period, which helps them to cope with the situation. For most, it's similar to how people might go to a spa or sauna to relax. Again, same principle, different stimulus.
* Meditation; this is similar to the preceding one but still conceptually different. Undergoing pain play can help people empty their minds and distance themselves from regular thought patterns. Subjecting to pain play tends to absorb one's mind and as a result, other thoughts are pushed to the background. This often extends a bit after the session has finished and can be seen as part of the 'afterglow'.

The above is not an exhaustive list; I'm probably forgetting a few more.

Quote:

I'm pretty sure I'll be in a dungeon at some point.
Can you where a mask in porn?



*wear (?)
Sure, why not? But we were discussing BDSM, weren't we? Porn is something else. They can overlap, but they often/usually don't.
Whether people wear masks, blindfolds, gags etc. during BDSM play is up to them to decide. It's typically something that is part of the set of possibilities that is somehow negotiated between the participants.
Keep also in mind that the vast majority of BDSM play doesn't occur in dungeons. And 'dungeon' is a bit of a relative term as well; BDSM play parties take place in a wide range of venues, most of them will not be dungeons in the archetypical sense you may be thinking of. But by far the most playing is probably done at home.


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OfflineAbombs
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Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: koraks]
    #28153743 - 01/23/23 12:12 PM (1 year, 5 days ago)

I understand all the different dynamics of'kink'

But I'm trying to see what people feel of the challenge of being in that sub role. Not necessarily the pain but a experience that is difficult to endure


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,670
Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: Abombs]
    #28153764 - 01/23/23 12:25 PM (1 year, 5 days ago)

Similar arguments as the pain-related stuff. Perhaps one or more subs might respond...one day. We used to have one or two people on here identifying as such and having the courage to post about it.

You might try asking on FetLife; you'll get 100 responses to your question in a couple of hours, I bet.


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Invisibleloladoreen
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Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: koraks]
    #28153822 - 01/23/23 01:12 PM (1 year, 5 days ago)

I am certain that what I am going to write is naive. But I am naive in this area.
Pain is not a turn on to me.... at all.
It is difficult to imagine it being one. I understand that I have never experienced it but.. very difficult to imagine it being arousing.
Submission doesn't arouse me either.
It may be something that is just not for me.
OR
does everyone start that way?
Curious of the answers.


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“One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.”


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,670
Re: BDSM - Any other kinksters active in the community? Also AMA [Re: loladoreen]
    #28153861 - 01/23/23 01:38 PM (1 year, 5 days ago)

Quote:

loladoreen said:
It may be something that is just not for me.



Indeed!

Quote:

does everyone start that way?
Not really. Mostly, there's some signs that someone is into BDSM-like stuff. But generally, if the whole idea of pain (even mild pain, like a slap to the bottom or a mild yank to your hair) is off-putting to you and there's nothing in the whole concept of submission that appeals to you, it's very likely that this just isn't for you. Don't fret over it, either. We're all different, and not being into BDSM doesn't make someone any less (or more) sexually functional.

Generally, my experience is that by age 20 to 25 or so, most people (at least in the Western world) have figured out if they have a kinky side to them. Also, once they dip their toe into it (and it's something that they enjoy), it's *always* possible to pinpoint experiences or preferences that manifested themselves earlier in life that in hindsight are an indication of preferences that would crop up later. This might be a preference for somewhat violent play as kids (being chased after or physically forced etc.), sexual preferences in earlier relationships (that smack on the bottom actually enhanced the mood, hey!) etc.


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