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OfflinePancyanterA
Stranger
Registered: 12/17/22
Posts: 75
Last seen: 1 day, 2 hours
20.2grams fresh 1st in years
    #28105766 - 12/20/22 09:57 AM (1 year, 1 month ago)



Got a little impatient. Been following this board learning and had my first successful bulk grow after trying 2 bags a couple times. All 4 failed. I was scared of bulk/mono tub method but it ironically worked and continues to produce.

Ate shrooms a couple times around 17-18. First time didn’t get much. Second time my friend and I laughed and laughed as we drank and smoked. Things “breathed”, etc..

Fast forward I’m 37. Deep into self discipline and self growth, highly spiritual. Wife and kids, quit my job a few years ago and started a business…. Have really turned my life around for the better, and of course brought a lot of the worse along for the ride.

I had high expectations. Been reading and watching and listening to podcast. I thought the biggest mushroom  in there would weigh a lot more but the timing worked out and I was impatient. Let the wife know, kids are gone, started preparing tea/lemon tek, meditating, clearing the mind trying to be positive and free and clear.

It starts. That “energy” in the arms, up the spine, I’m letting out sighs of relief like I’m being given the perfect massage. I’m setting the intent. “Cleanse my anxiety and depression (it’s really mostly social anxiety but who’s not bummed out sometimes especially when you know you shouldn’t be which only makes it worse lol). I want to feel love and joy cleanse my anxiety and depression….” Tears are filling my eyes so yeah here it comes no doubt and I am ready!!!

Meditation is almost impossible now. The soft meditating music is getting annoying. I keep leaning to the left I don’t know why. I’m looking. Is it the mushrooms in the closet? This isn’t really what I had in mind, although fun this isn’t what I was after. I’ll check the mushrooms. Maybe I’ll see what they need cause they’re not so happy (they are now I thought it was too humid or too little air flow but actually substrate was too dry). Maybe I’ll eat some more I think I’m going to be let down with such a small dose I really should have waited. I’m lost in the patterns of the mycelium. I’m “communicating” like I bet one wants to be eaten. But instead it’s like I’m staring at a village that’s been ransacked and I’m beginning to hear screaming small and faint in the background. I almost didn’t notice it until I did and I realized I’ve been hearing it and it’s getting intense. It’s not that they didn’t want me to eat them, it’s that I ate them too soon that was the problem.

I should have waited. This isn’t what I was expecting this isn’t what I was after. I’m not a fucking teenager trying to get high and escape. Speaking of which I guess I’ll hit the vape pen now lol

After being in the lighted closet/bathroom for a while I come back to the dark room. Everything is straight black I see nothing but it’s cool not at all scary. Look in the mirror in the dark that was really cool, shadows on the wall, ripples in the bed…. All cool. Not what I’m after.

At one point I lay down. Disappointed. Depressed. Fuck this shit as fun as it is fuck this. I’ve put months into this. Patient excitement followed with failure and repeat. Nothing but one big disappointment. I’ll just lie down stare at the ceiling and sit with this disappointment. What a waste.

So now I start to decide after a few minutes or so I’ll do whatever I want. I’m not going outside or anything like that I need to be in private but I’m going to just live my life like normal and do whatever I want. Get back to normal I kind of actually want it to fully wear off now.

I go look at wall pictures of the wife and kids in the hallway. It’s crazy we look like spirits or ghost. We are spirits and I’ve never known this as much as I know right now. I can literally see it and it makes sense. I see my wife and me kissing on our wedding day and I realize the love we have and the connection we have can not be seen. It is not “her” as I see her in the body and it’s not me either. Our love is eternal and can’t be seen. The bodies are temporary vessels like driving a car. You’re not the car you’re the driver of the car. This is all compete and total bullshit. This life is an illusion it’s not true so to speak, but in the most positive ways. It goes so much deeper than we realize. Oldest daughter looks “evil”. Like she must need some love and attention. It looks like she needs some healing and I can see it in her “evil” face.

Now I’m feeling nothing but love. I feel validated. At first I didn’t want my wife to come home and now I wish she would. I wish I was with my kids but it’s okay. It’s all okay. I think about politicians and the evil lying corruption that’s being exposed all over the world and I’m totally okay with that. Because it doesn’t even matter. Nothing does.

I keep telling myself I can literally do whatever the fuck I want…. I start thinking of ideas and everything is perfect. For an hour or so I don’t even know I have so many perfect ideas but do absolutely nothing because everything is the perfect idea. And all the while blown away that I can do whatever I want. How amazing is that? How amazing is this? I can’t wait to see my wife and kids it’s like I’m seeing the world through an entirely different new and perfect point of view.

I would stop and stare and just be lost for words… I can do whatever I want! Then I start making fun of myself. Before starting my business I was drowning in debt. Now I’m debt free and I invest into stock. I’ve become quite obsessed with this checking on it multiple times a day and I’m making fun of myself for it. Because it doesn’t really matter and part of life is patience. No reason to obsess over something that’s a long term plan you can’t speed up. You can not speed up time and your stock just like your mushrooms, need time. It’s a great investment literally, but it’s really so pointless.

I can do whatever I want and what a gift to be alive. I have an overwhelming urge to do good and be good in this world. Like that’s the answer. That’s what it’s all about. Be good, do good, serve, have patience and always be present. Go with it.

It’s all good.

This has been lingering as well. I expected some big breakthroughs with alcohol but got nothing. I don’t drink too often anymore but I’ve got the alcoholism in my blood. I actually wanted to drink because of this strong overwhelming non judge mental feeling “I can do whatever I want.”

I did not drink that day but I did the next 2. Third day I just didn’t care to. Usually the first day of not drinking takes some will power but it just didn’t sound like a good idea. I  also didn’t smoke any bud on the third day because same thing. I could take it or leave it. Kind of realizing I’ll smoke out of habit and what’s the point of that? I forget about my stock. I’m much happier and more confident around people now. It’s crazy.

Feels like a much needed mental reset. I plan to continue to explore this and my conscious and see what can come from this. I truly feel there’s something to this on an incredibly deep level.


Edited by PancyanterA (12/21/22 06:07 AM)


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OfflineTinManUnite
Transient

Registered: 07/28/22
Posts: 65
Last seen: 3 days, 21 hours
Re: 22grams fresh 1st in years [Re: PancyanterA]
    #28105860 - 12/20/22 11:06 AM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Nice! I also noticed my desire to drink alcohol has dwindled which is good because it wasn’t a healthy relationship. Bud is a different story


--------------------
“In a one-hundred mile march, ninety is about the half way point”


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OfflinePancyanterA
Stranger
Registered: 12/17/22
Posts: 75
Last seen: 1 day, 2 hours
Re: 22grams fresh 1st in years [Re: TinManUnite]
    #28106167 - 12/20/22 02:49 PM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Yeah I’ve never had a toxic relationship with weed. This is just more so realizing I often do it just because. Almost without even thinking about it I just do it.

Alcohol is love hate. I think it’s one of the ugliest drugs around. I deeply enjoy alcohol in social situations especially. Or sometimes at home just because I have some time off and it’s been a while. I’m deeply grateful when I drink and it’s been a while. Uplifted mood, social, etc…

But it starts a toxic cycle of wanting to drink again the next day, and after the first day or 2 it’s just not as enjoyable. Now I just want to drink to get out of the funk. I drank every day for years but I don’t get how or why.


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