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OfflineTom66
Stranger
Registered: 11/18/16
Posts: 80
Last seen: 26 days, 1 hour
Second ever trip, very different to first (Libs)
    #28084653 - 12/05/22 12:07 PM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Hi all,
Over a year ago, after MUCH prep, I took 1.5 grams of Liberty caps in the quest to explore and deal with suicidal depression. I believe I reached a level 4 trip (you can read it here if you like) and I have not been anywhere near as depressed since, and importantly, NOT suicidal. They mustve been strong-ass Libs!!

Over time, I have felt their magic disappear slowly, and depression is a real thing again, despite lots of therapy. Not QUITE as acute as before though, but enough to make me want to explore it again via Magic Mushrooms.

I felt I had a time window (a couple of days before and after the trip), and I took 2.5 grams, lemon-tek and diluted with warm water before drinking it over 20 minutes or so. Like last time, I smoked a bowl, along with some CBD flower to try help with the anxiety.

I felt I knew what to expect, and was feeling nervous as hell, but willing and trying my best to be open to what I'd experience. This time, however, it took about an hour to come up, and there was no euphoric rush. Just extreme anxiety, that I tried not to block out. Visuals came in the form of kaleidoscopic patterns, but if I shut my eyes they became nightmarish. Again, I accepted this, but it felt like a battle, and I knew a bad trip was coming, and I'd have to commit to it for the next 6 hours or so if i wasnt to freak out.
There came no real revelations, no entities like last time, and nothing spiritual. There was no fascination with random things, but I did feel I was in a different world, where time did not exist. For at least 2-3 hours my mind was a messed up ball of fear and bad thoughts about how I wasnt as prepared as last time, or if i really shouldve chosen tonight at all.

So I decided to try and rationalise with it. I looked around the house, and told myself firmly that NOTHING in here is of threat, or has any negative meaning. I am safe in this house. It will pass and you will be fine.

From that, with strong anxiety still present, I began to write things down:

- YOU ARE HERE

- Peace is in simplicity. In your striving to become a better person you are just making life more complicated. Peace is in simplicity.

- This trip is confusing you, but its only because last time, and since then, you learned all you need from the mushroom. Don't forget it. You learned a LOT, mainly that you ARE GOOD ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.

- Do things that are good for you. Bikes. Climbing. Friends. Nature. Just do it, but don't force it, it's fine when you can't.

- You don't need to be special. Stop chasing yourself.

I have a strange relationship with my parents. At times I've convinced myself I don't love them, because I have become so different from them, and I can blame them for my mental illnesses. But I began to think deeply about the things they do for me, and how much they care, and how much I appreciate them. How devastated I will be when they're gone. My girlfriend's father died when she was 17, and I almost wept at realising how hard that must've been for her.

Over the next couple of hours I did menial things, like making a nice hot drink, watched some chill TV, and found myself deeply content at just being. Sat in my living room, with a wood fire, and warm. It was dark and raining outside and I could hear the rain, so I went to the door and stood watching it, looking over the valley, watching rain bounce off the roof, and felt so at peace.

Later, I went back inside and reflected on my own personality; who I am at the very core. I tried to write it down:

I'm Tom:
- I care about things
- Sometimes I ride my bike. Sometimes I climb things.
- I get very nervous about things that I can't control.
- I love to appreciate nature and the world as it is.
- As a human, love is the most important thing to me.
- I overthink everything, but maybe that's just a side-effect of being fairly intelligent and generally caring.
- I live in the same area Ive always lived, but that's just fine. It's beautiful, and my house is cosy.
- I do OK. I have enough.

I was tired so I smoked a little bowl and went to sleep for a few hours before dawn. I'm still a little underwhelmed by my experience, perhaps a little disappointed, but like last time, it took a few weeks to unpack. Maybe the libs aren't as strong this year? Who knows. They were definitely liberty caps though, and they did give me some therapy, i think :smile:

I believe the bad initial part of the trip forced me to confront it. I would not run away from it.
I am trying to focus on what I think was the main message.
'You already learned so much from your first trip. Don't forget it'
and
'You are enough'


Thanks for reading, sorry if long-winded. It was absolutely not how i'd expected the evening to go, being that I took nearly double the first time. I do believe that perhaps it was the wrong time and I misjudged it. Ive had rough few weeks with anxiety and insomnia, and have a brand new career starting in the new year, that I'm very nervous about, so despite feeling up for the trip, I was probably not well-set.

Strange things these little mushies :smile:

Any thoughts welcome :smile:


Edited by Tom66 (12/05/22 12:09 PM)


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OfflineACTSmokey
The Fool - 8 bit

Registered: 07/13/22
Posts: 129
Last seen: 9 hours, 57 minutes
Re: Second ever trip, very different to first (Libs) [Re: Tom66]
    #28084713 - 12/05/22 01:13 PM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Tom, that darn anxiety at the coming up stage gets me too, it's not until I start to come down that I begin to relax. I'm very sensitive to mushies and have found that microdosing is better suited to my inability to handle large doses. Hang in there buddy, don't get stuck in thinking that the hero dose is what it is all about.


--------------------
“That which is above is like to that which is below, and that which is below is like to that which is above.” - The Emerald Tablet (200-800 AD).

"My heart hath followed all my days, something I cannot name." - Don Marquis.

"Wow, things sure look different now. How much of this shit did I take?"


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OfflineTom66
Stranger
Registered: 11/18/16
Posts: 80
Last seen: 26 days, 1 hour
Re: Second ever trip, very different to first (Libs) [Re: ACTSmokey]
    #28084732 - 12/05/22 01:31 PM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Thanks, I think I got some positives from it anyhow.
I’m a little confused as to why the higher dose this time was definitely less ‘intense’, while also being a less positive or profound experience.


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Offlinedarkcreature
Stranger
 User Gallery
Registered: 02/14/21
Posts: 123
Last seen: 2 months, 3 days
Re: Second ever trip, very different to first (Libs) [Re: Tom66]
    #28084914 - 12/05/22 04:08 PM (1 year, 1 month ago)

its a common theme you cant replicate the magic of the first time and its dangerous to chase it


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OfflineRusty2096
rah rah raw in Lady gaga
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 08/23/22
Posts: 4,946
Loc: 🌌
Last seen: 3 days, 17 hours
Re: Second ever trip, very different to first (Libs) [Re: darkcreature]
    #28085289 - 12/05/22 07:43 PM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Quote:

darkcreature said:
its a common theme you cant replicate the magic of the first time and its dangerous to chase it




I'm sorry but WTF would you say something like that?


Edit: @OP - don't give up. Set an settings play a big part but you can't "control" mushrooms. I firmly believe they often (not always) show you what you need and not what you want. I also believe that lots of good can come out of "bad trips" / challenging trips if you care to take the time needed to process it.


--------------------
Currently looking for nothing. You guys who sent me stuff are straight up awesome!. :mushroom2:

We don't own things - things own us.

Semi-solid liquid culture (SSLC)


Edited by Rusty2096 (12/05/22 07:46 PM)


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OfflineTom66
Stranger
Registered: 11/18/16
Posts: 80
Last seen: 26 days, 1 hour
Re: Second ever trip, very different to first (Libs) [Re: Rusty2096]
    #28085582 - 12/06/22 01:26 AM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Exactly my thoughts - I found at least some positives, if not as profound as I’d expected or hoped.


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