|
kie4D
Stranger
Registered: 10/10/22
Posts: 9
Last seen: 1 year, 1 month
|
My unusual 2g experience and question regarding possible ego loss
#28042308 - 11/09/22 03:32 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
|
|
Peace be upon you, friends.
I've been reluctant to try mushrooms again following my first experience which was with 2g of the enigma variety. I made a tea and the effects hit me in about 10 minutes. I was expecting to step outside, enjoy the day, but it was so powerful that it essentially paralyzed me in bed for 3 hours instead.
What surprised me is that the effects were nothing like I hear others talk about. I felt like I had brain damage because I could not control my thoughts and the thoughts it did make me have were mostly nonsense and incoherent. They were all very short in duration (5-10 seconds each before changing) as if my brain was short circuiting and thoughts were like channels being changed by remote control every few seconds.
Now to the weird form of ego loss I mentioned in the title: During one of these ~10 second episodes, I completely lost all sense of self and identity. I was no longer me. BUT I was not "one with everything", nor did I just become "energy" or the universe. No, instead, it was as if instead of me, I became an insect or something with an extremely primitive brain that could not feel anything or have any thoughts.
During this short episode where I wasn't myself, I lost consciousness and as a result all the fear, panic, etc. vanished and I did not feel anything at all. You may be wondering how I knew I was this other "thing" with the primitive brain if I was not conscious or aware during that brief period. I didn't even know it happened until I snapped back (the "channel" changed) and became myself again that I realized I had not been myself for a short while but had a memory of what I had just been. It's fascinating to me now that I completely blacked out and essentially lost consciousness however when I snapped out of it, had memory of what took place during that lapse of consciousness and identity.
Has anyone experienced that? It was very unusual, and when I realized what had happened it was almost nice because for a few brief moments I was not scared anymore but then it resumed until the effects of the mushroom wore off.
Aside from what I have described, I experienced no closed eye visuals (I cannot say there were no open eye visuals because the room was dark and I had my eyes closed while paralyzed in bed).
Is that as unusual of an experience as I imagine it to be? Did I experience a form of ego loss? In all the trip reports I've read, none have matched my experience. It makes me reluctant to try mushrooms again because I do not want a repeat.
Edited by kie4D (11/09/22 03:49 PM)
|
m0n0id



Registered: 10/08/21
Posts: 88
Last seen: 1 month, 18 days
|
Re: My unusual 2g experience and question regarding possible ego loss [Re: kie4D]
#28042680 - 11/09/22 07:40 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
|
|
Interesting experience, thanks for sharing.
I'm of the mind that though there are common themes everyone is going to have a unique experience.
In my experiences I've found visuals come on stronger each time. It's almost like I learned how to tune into it. At this point on just marijuana I can have strong closed eyed visuals and mild open eye visuals. This was absolutely not the case before tripping on shrooms.
I also share your reluctance. I've prepared many times to trip only to decide now is not the time. My philosophy is to wait till the time is right, maybe for me it is never again.
Just know that it's not necessarily going to be the same every time. You can try a milder dose and see what happens, you could have a higher than average sensitivity.
|
Rusty2096
rah rah raw in Lady gaga



Registered: 08/23/22
Posts: 4,946
Loc: 🌌
Last seen: 3 days, 17 hours
|
Re: My unusual 2g experience and question regarding possible ego loss [Re: kie4D]
#28042804 - 11/09/22 08:46 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
|
|
Nothing unusual.
Sounds to me like you were trying to control your trip (and thoughts) instead of welcoming what's happening and letting go.
Next time do that, make sure your set and setting is on par and you may just have your life's best experience (I reiterate the "may" here).
Thank you for sharing
Edit : also I suggest not going a trip expecting something (ie: trip reports you read). Open your mind to accept whatever will happen in your own trip
-------------------- Currently looking for nothing. You guys who sent me stuff are straight up awesome!. We don't own things - things own us. Semi-solid liquid culture (SSLC)
Edited by Rusty2096 (11/09/22 08:47 PM)
|
kie4D
Stranger
Registered: 10/10/22
Posts: 9
Last seen: 1 year, 1 month
|
Re: My unusual 2g experience and question regarding possible ego loss [Re: Rusty2096]
#28043536 - 11/10/22 10:53 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
|
|
m0n0id, while I am reluctant to try again, in spite of the unpleasant experience the comedown (when I regained control of my brain) still managed to leave me feeling good and gave me mental clarity. I'll likely try it again soon but with a lower dose and maybe a different variety as well. I'll make a new trip report for the 2nd attempt.
Rusty2096, you are right that I was trying to control the trip during the comeup when I got that anxiety and just wanted it all to stop. I felt like I was actually succeeding to hold off the loss of mental control for a while but it was mentally exhausting and I could only do it so long before I was too weak and it took over. I was inexperienced and hadn't read much online about what to expect until after the trip. I had read it's essential to surrender, but that's easier said than done for a first timer.
|
Rusty2096
rah rah raw in Lady gaga



Registered: 08/23/22
Posts: 4,946
Loc: 🌌
Last seen: 3 days, 17 hours
|
Re: My unusual 2g experience and question regarding possible ego loss [Re: kie4D]
#28043539 - 11/10/22 10:56 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
|
|
But now you know 😉
You'll be just fine as long as you don't try pushing it to high doses too fast m
-------------------- Currently looking for nothing. You guys who sent me stuff are straight up awesome!. We don't own things - things own us. Semi-solid liquid culture (SSLC)
|
kie4D
Stranger
Registered: 10/10/22
Posts: 9
Last seen: 1 year, 1 month
|
Re: My unusual 2g experience and question regarding possible ego loss [Re: Rusty2096]
#28043788 - 11/10/22 01:50 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
|
|
Would you guys say what I experienced can be considered "ego death"?
|
orphee
Stranger than a strange land



Registered: 03/07/22
Posts: 282
Loc: Planet of the Grapes of Wrath ...
Last seen: 29 days, 2 hours
|
Re: My unusual 2g experience and question regarding possible ego loss [Re: kie4D] 1
#28045392 - 11/11/22 01:46 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
|
|
if anyone lose their ego because of mushrooms, they usually find it sooner than later.
|
Aldebaran
Psilo-Scribe



Registered: 11/26/09
Posts: 1,322
Loc: Altered States of Europe
Last seen: 2 days, 16 hours
|
Re: My unusual 2g experience and question regarding possible ego loss [Re: kie4D]
#28047060 - 11/12/22 01:25 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
|
|
Interesting report... 

Quote:
What surprised me is that the effects were nothing like I hear others talk about. I felt like I had brain damage because I could not control my thoughts and the thoughts it did make me have were mostly nonsense and incoherent. They were all very short in duration (5-10 seconds each before changing) as if my brain was short circuiting and thoughts were like channels being changed by remote control every few seconds.
This confusion on shrooms is often referred to as "mindfuck." It's partly related to the dose and the resulting intensity of the experience, but also I suspect the very fast come-up from the tea made a difference (if you ate the shrooms the effects would appear more gradually and give you a bit more time to adjust).
I found this type of confusion reduced as I got more experienced with tripping, and mushrooms are not always like this - they can produce states which are hyper-focused and very lucid. But I do sympathize with the general feeling that "everything is coming in sideways" - for example on one of my first high-dose trips I was writing in a journal and the results were sentences like "Everything is turning into everything else and when even your syntax is turning into a purple beeswax gibbering zombie with mumbling gibberish here we are again Susan who taught you to think?" Thinking on mushrooms is quite a different experience to sober reality, and it helps if you can adjust to the madness, relax your mind, and not take anything too seriously.

Quote:
During one of these ~10 second episodes, I completely lost all sense of self and identity. I was no longer me. BUT I was not "one with everything", nor did I just become "energy" or the universe. No, instead, it was as if instead of me, I became an insect or something with an extremely primitive brain that could not feel anything or have any thoughts.
I think there are two linked aspects of "ego loss" or "ego death" which are helpful to think about separately. First, there is the absence of self, where there is conscious awareness without self-awareness, and secondly the more mystical feelings of oneness with the universe. When these are occurring together you are in something resembling the sort of "non-dual" states that Buddhism talks about. It sounds like you experienced the first without the second, so whether you experienced "ego loss" depends on how you define it; I would answer "yes and no." Like you, I've had trips where my sense of self has briefly disappeared, like my consciousness is playing on a cassette tape getting caught up in the machine for a few seconds, but the more mystical aspects of "ego death" were absent.
There's a couple of YouTube videos by Josie Kins which are worth watching, one is called "Ego Death - broken down and described" and the other is "Unity and Interconnectedness - broken down and described." I think the way she talks about "absent selfhood" and "unity" as two different things is quite helpful, because they can be experienced independently of each other. The main thing I would disagree with is to point out that you can experience this type of unity while the self is absent - not as an "expanded selfhood" but as a more general, unbounded feeling of vastness and awe, as though the universe itself is some sort of ocean of consciousness that has absorbed you temporarily while your self is absent. Then your sense of self returns ("snapping out of it") while you are within this mystical state of unity, and it feels very profound and revelatory.

Quote:
Is that as unusual of an experience as I imagine it to be?
Psychedelic experiences can be very strange and don't always fit neatly into categories, especially when you are talking about the more "mystical" aspects. For example I've described one way "ego loss" can occur, but trips don't always fit the templates you try and put them in (which is why it's quite helpful to have broad categories like "unity" which encompass a wide range of experiences). I've had trips which felt very mystical and amazing but where there was no real "loss of self" and trips with "loss of self" which were more of a mindfuck and much less of a mystical experience.
Quote:
In all the trip reports I've read, none have matched my experience. It makes me reluctant to try mushrooms again because I do not want a repeat.
I think this is one of the cool things about mushrooms; although there are aspects of trips which are common features of the psychedelic experience, the exact way they manifest in your trip is unique to the individual, and even for that individual there can be big differences from one trip to another.
I would try dropping the dose a little bit on the next trip (say 1.5g or something) and letting yourself get used to the effects at a lower intensity. Let your thoughts drift, don't try to control them, perhaps listen to a music playlist (chosen with tripping in mind) and focus on that. Maybe try changing the lighting - I like a mood where there are lights on but not too bright, for example using lamps instead of a ceiling light. You could also try eating the mushrooms and see if that makes the onset a bit less intense. A bit of psychological discomfort now and then is inevitable with tripping, but adjusting the dose makes a big difference to the intensity which can drive feelings of anxiety and fear when it's too far out of your comfort zone.
Mushroom trips can be a very beautiful experience but it takes a while to get used to the experience, find the "sweet spot" where the dose is right for what you are trying to do, and to adjust the set and setting to something that works for you.
-------------------- I wrote that, but I meant something else
|
kie4D
Stranger
Registered: 10/10/22
Posts: 9
Last seen: 1 year, 1 month
|
Re: My unusual 2g experience and question regarding possible ego loss [Re: Aldebaran]
#28050926 - 11/14/22 02:59 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
|
|
Aldebaran (awesome name), thank you for the detailed and helpful reply. "there is the absence of self, where there is conscious awareness without self-awareness" - this accurately describes my experience so I believe I didn't actually experience what most people here talk about when they say they had an ego death, however I was just temporarily something else that wasn't me and only remembered a "me" after I was me again. Thanks for the links, too. I've decided to try again but first with 1g and then with 1.5 is 1 wasn't enough. Suggesting I eat rather than drink it in a tea may be a good idea for me if it does allow more time to adjust to the feelings as opposed to being blindsided by them in a short window of time.
|
|