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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: r3volution.gurl]
#28050421 - 11/14/22 10:29 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
fystbofahs said:
Quote:
r3volution.gurl said:
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fystbofahs said: I hope you're right, to answer your question, asap. Time is ticking. 
This post is a little bit off-topic, but I'm starting to realize humans aren't supposed to be monogamous. Have fun
Yeah so probably the new year then. I know it has nothing to do with me, but technically it does and I would have to be supportive. So I'm not really ready to deal with that yet myself.
I agree, I was in an open relationship for 8 years. I actually just got out of that relationship a month and half ago lol it was a total of 9 years though.
Same here. 10 yrs for me. It's so hard to start over.. If you have that mind frame, it could work.
I feel like I didn't have a choice. It really wasn't working out with my ex. I was extremely unhappy and unmotivated in life. Not because of the open relationship, but because we just grew apart. Our standards of living, goals etc. It became quite toxic the last year. We are still friends and have a dog together which we share. So at least it ended peacefully.
--------------------
  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: Lynnch]
#28050439 - 11/14/22 10:39 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Lynnch said: How long have they been separated?
I dunno, it's a complicated legal issue, with a kid.. I don't think it should be on you to make that decision.
The question is how long before it's a problem to you?
They've been separated for almost 2 years. He told me once his wife got pregnant, this other chick randomly came into his life, he fell inlove with her and realized he definitely didn't want to be with his wife anymore and it was never going to work out. That chick left him though early this year and he was heartbroken. Her lifestyle was to travel the world constantly and it wasn't realistic for him. They didn't know it wouldn't work out because it was during covid and well travel wasn't really around that time. Also, they had their own sets of issues together he said.
I feel like I would start feeling it's an issue in the new year. Just because my friends and family are already starting to question me why he is still married which is why I talked to him about it and got his take.
I don't necessarily think I have the right to make the decision either, I'm all about compromising with him, but it's refreshing to know that he is excited to do it when it feels right and he cares about what I think about it.
--------------------
  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
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Anonymous #2
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: r3volution.gurl]
#28050724 - 11/14/22 12:59 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
r3volution.gurl said:
Quote:
Lynnch said: How long have they been separated?
I dunno, it's a complicated legal issue, with a kid.. I don't think it should be on you to make that decision.
The question is how long before it's a problem to you?
They've been separated for almost 2 years. He told me once his wife got pregnant, this other chick randomly came into his life, he fell inlove with her and realized he definitely didn't want to be with his wife anymore and it was never going to work out. That chick left him though early this year and he was heartbroken. Her lifestyle was to travel the world constantly and it wasn't realistic for him. They didn't know it wouldn't work out because it was during covid and well travel wasn't really around that time. Also, they had their own sets of issues together he said.
I feel like I would start feeling it's an issue in the new year. Just because my friends and family are already starting to question me why he is still married which is why I talked to him about it and got his take.
I don't necessarily think I have the right to make the decision either, I'm all about compromising with him, but it's refreshing to know that he is excited to do it when it feels right and he cares about what I think about it.
Wow. I guess you were doing the right thing. Especially for the kid the kid is going to know it was totally right for the father to divorce the mom to go out with you. While you have several other boyfriends. And of course you'll teach the kid how to grow up strong and independent to stick up for himself to let someone grope him just because you know he has been friends with that person's GF for like years and years.
Totally I think like 100% of the time and all situations 100% of the situations 100% of the time you do the right thing r3v.gurl as long as the other guys down with it it is always 100% the right thing to do in the right situation 100% of the time.
props
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: Anonymous #2]
#28050890 - 11/14/22 02:41 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Except I don't have several other boyfriends and we are already going out.
So I think it's safe to say everything you've said and shared in that post is easily voided as false crap and should be disregarded as such.
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  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
Edited by r3volution.gurl (11/14/22 02:50 PM)
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BikerB
Shucket Bitter


Registered: 12/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: Canada
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: r3volution.gurl]
#28051611 - 11/14/22 08:24 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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How's your self-sustainability going?
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: BikerB]
#28052269 - 11/15/22 07:25 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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It's not, I broke up with that boyfriend I was doing that with and gave him the property the project was on.
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  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
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Anonymous #2
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: r3volution.gurl] 2
#28052330 - 11/15/22 07:55 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
r3volution.gurl said: Except I don't have several other boyfriends and we are already going out.
So I think it's safe to say everything you've said and shared in that post is easily voided as false crap and should be disregarded as such.
It's false crap? So repeat things you said is false crap it should be disregarded? You didn't say that you had several partners? You didn't say you had several partners and one of them was a person who was married who had a kid but was willing to leave this person he wasn't happy with her anyway? Yeah I know I'm sure it's false crap because you said it 10,000 times. Even though now you are saying you are totally happy with this one person except.....
Quote:
r3volution.gurl said: It's not, I broke up with that boyfriend I was doing that with and gave him the property the project was on.
There goes your self-sustainability. Too bad about that too you know what I mean? If you're having sex with someone for money and they're going to give you a house and a property of the project was on and then you stop having sex with them and now you don't have the house anymore I guess it's not self-sustainable was it?
Self-sustainable means self-sustainable. It doesn't mean you have sex with people for money and then say when you break up with that person you don't have that "self-sustainable" project anymore.
It is amazing to me the things you say that I could actually quote you saying that a person can repeat that you will say "is totally utterly bullshit crap that you are repeating." Then you ask people for tons of advice and they give it to you and then you get constantly mad about it.
Well good luck with your non-open relationship only one boyfriend self-sustainable totally on your own not having sex with someone for their money self-dependent lifestyle of confidence and Independence in the most self-sustainable way possible. I wouldn't want to spit on any false garbage crap. God forbid
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jack_straw2208
Doctor



Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 3,115
Loc: Earth
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: Anonymous #2] 1
#28052443 - 11/15/22 09:37 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Go. Out. Side.
-------------------- If you can’t tell what you desperately need, it’s probably sleep.
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WhoManBeing
PsychedelicYogi



Registered: 09/01/13
Posts: 3,773
Loc: Oregon
Last seen: 3 days, 2 hours
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: jack_straw2208]
#28052492 - 11/15/22 10:24 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Yep
-------------------- Hip, hip... WhoRAy!!! Eye was thinking the other day... ahh, thinking never done me no good.
Edited by WhoManBeing (11/15/22 11:12 AM)
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WhoManBeing
PsychedelicYogi



Registered: 09/01/13
Posts: 3,773
Loc: Oregon
Last seen: 3 days, 2 hours
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: WhoManBeing]
#28052497 - 11/15/22 10:29 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Nothing good to say say nothing.
-------------------- Hip, hip... WhoRAy!!! Eye was thinking the other day... ahh, thinking never done me no good.
Edited by WhoManBeing (11/15/22 11:12 AM)
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BikerB
Shucket Bitter


Registered: 12/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: Canada
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: WhoManBeing] 4
#28052657 - 11/15/22 12:56 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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You got out of a 9 year relationship and started another right away with a guy who's not really available?
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Patchouli_Savage


Registered: 12/26/13
Posts: 712
Loc: Somewhere between here an...
Last seen: 7 hours, 25 minutes
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: BikerB] 4
#28052879 - 11/15/22 02:53 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
r3volution.gurl said: We've been dating for a month and a half.
I was thinking around the 6 month mark, maybe sooner depending on how our relationship develops.
He is willing to divorce her now he told me, however, it's almost Christmas and we just started dating so I'm a little uncomfortable with it right now. What if we go horribly wrong before the end of the year and his coparenting relationship with her gets completely ruined because of me? He's left feeling like shit. Idk, I would feel bad. At the same time, he told me I deserve to be happy(as does he) and he is ready when I am.
Why hasn't he divorced her long time ago? They have a 2 year old together and I think he just knows it's going to be messy and doesn't want to deal with it alone.
Questions? Thoughts?
I knew they were separated when we started dating. He sleeps on the couch when he stays overnight at the house to give some perspective.
Hi R3v,
Here's what I would say to any friend I knew personally if she was asking me for advice on this:
I think it's a red flag that he is putting this on you. He's saying he's "willing to do it now" but then expects you to make that decision for him, a decision that affects HIS ex-wife, and THEIR child? Divorcing his wife should be between him and his wife. Their co-parenting situation should not have anything to do with you, either. It's up to them to work out the best situation that benefits their child. Everything else should be secondary. I don't see how their co-parenting situation can be ruined "because of you."
Also, if they're separated and he wants a divorce, then I don't understand how things are ruined for him if he files for divorce soon and you two don't work out? If they are already not together, then why does it matter if he gets divorced without being partnered to you? Kind of makes it sound like he's just holding onto the marriage in case he can't lock down a different relationship.
For him to put choosing the timing on you looks like he's trying to lay the groundwork to blame you later on if things don't go well, or if things get messy, or if he has financial issues related to child support or other legal costs. "Well YOU told me to get divorced and now this *insert unfortunate drama* is unfolding."
Red flag.
Also, and this is no offense to you, but even if you are dating, this divorce isn't about you, so really if he wants the divorce I don't think it's your comfort he should be prioritizing when taking the timing into consideration, considering there is a child involved and he needs to consider co-parenting and whatnot. (If he was REFUSING to get divorced EVER but still wants to date you, then obviously your comfort would take precedence, but it sounds like that is not what is happening here.)
If he can't go through his own difficult situation independently and has to wait for a new girlfriend to make big decisions for him, then that is a red flag. Life is hard, relationships are hard, and it's normal to want support, but to drag your feet in sorting out your own affairs until someone comes along to pull the trigger for you shows a lack of personal accountability and responsibility. I can't help but wonder if that lack of accountability and responsibility is evident in other areas of his life as well?
Red. Flag.
I understand that he is telling you that what he is asking you to decide is "when" to get divorced, not "if" he's going to get divorced, but the fact that he wants to and hasn't already doesn't sound like he's as willing to get divorced as he makes if sound, or he would just rip the band-aid off and get it over with already instead of having his new girlfriend tell him "when" to file.
If you were a friend that I knew personally in real life asking me for advice on this, I would say "Tell him to figure it out for himself like an adult, get his affairs in order, and file for the divorce he says he wants like a grown-ass adult."
The only people who decide how messy this is going to be is him and his wife, and if he still sleeps over there and co-parents despite their separation, I'm not sure how officially filing for divorce is going to make things that much messier?
Either way, you do you, but make sure you've got your own finances and living situation squared away first and foremost so if his shit does get messy, his messy doesn't ruin your life somehow. (Also something I would tell any of my friends.)
-------------------- "You are a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust. What do you have to be scared of?"
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: Anonymous #2]
#28052901 - 11/15/22 03:06 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Imachavel, go back to the romper dude. Holy shit. You're like the master of twisting words, it's fucked up.
I've always had one boyfriend, who is now an ex. I've had multiple sexual partners. Had, past tense. I now have a new boyfriend. Singular boyfriend and 0 other sexual partners.
I was working on a self sustainability project on 12 acres of land with my ex boyfriend which I paid for majority of. He has no ability to pay me back for anything and I have no reason to want to continue the project at that location anymore so I GAVE it to him.
That's two easily identifiable false craps you shit out ignorantly like you always do. Stop being a weirdo or continue, I don't give a shit.
--------------------
  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
Edited by r3volution.gurl (11/15/22 03:49 PM)
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: BikerB]
#28052906 - 11/15/22 03:09 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
BikerB said: You got out of a 9 year relationship and started another right away with a guy who's not really available?
I did. Technically my 9 year relationship was pretty much over for months, I was just in denial honestly.
I was also planning on moving out of my exes anyways.
--------------------
  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: Patchouli_Savage]
#28052920 - 11/15/22 03:16 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Thanks for taking the time Patchouli
Yeah I understand what you're saying completely and I know for a fact this man is far from perfect in the personal accountability and responsibility department. At the same time, I really love and care about him.
It's very complicated and chaotic really because he wants another kid in the near future so I think he is hesitant to divorce because he knows despite being separated, his wife will never ever leave him and would give him another child if he doesn't divorce her.
My living situation and finances are fairly independent from him.
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  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
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Roflspammer
Strangest



Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 1,901
Loc: New Hampshire
Last seen: 10 hours, 35 minutes
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: Patchouli_Savage] 1
#28053002 - 11/15/22 03:42 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Patchouli_Savage said:
Quote:
r3volution.gurl said: We've been dating for a month and a half.
I was thinking around the 6 month mark, maybe sooner depending on how our relationship develops.
He is willing to divorce her now he told me, however, it's almost Christmas and we just started dating so I'm a little uncomfortable with it right now. What if we go horribly wrong before the end of the year and his coparenting relationship with her gets completely ruined because of me? He's left feeling like shit. Idk, I would feel bad. At the same time, he told me I deserve to be happy(as does he) and he is ready when I am.
Why hasn't he divorced her long time ago? They have a 2 year old together and I think he just knows it's going to be messy and doesn't want to deal with it alone.
Questions? Thoughts?
I knew they were separated when we started dating. He sleeps on the couch when he stays overnight at the house to give some perspective.
Hi R3v,
Here's what I would say to any friend I knew personally if she was asking me for advice on this:
I think it's a red flag that he is putting this on you. He's saying he's "willing to do it now" but then expects you to make that decision for him, a decision that affects HIS ex-wife, and THEIR child? Divorcing his wife should be between him and his wife. Their co-parenting situation should not have anything to do with you, either. It's up to them to work out the best situation that benefits their child. Everything else should be secondary. I don't see how their co-parenting situation can be ruined "because of you."
Also, if they're separated and he wants a divorce, then I don't understand how things are ruined for him if he files for divorce soon and you two don't work out? If they are already not together, then why does it matter if he gets divorced without being partnered to you? Kind of makes it sound like he's just holding onto the marriage in case he can't lock down a different relationship.
For him to put choosing the timing on you looks like he's trying to lay the groundwork to blame you later on if things don't go well, or if things get messy, or if he has financial issues related to child support or other legal costs. "Well YOU told me to get divorced and now this *insert unfortunate drama* is unfolding."
Red flag.
Also, and this is no offense to you, but even if you are dating, this divorce isn't about you, so really if he wants the divorce I don't think it's your comfort he should be prioritizing when taking the timing into consideration, considering there is a child involved and he needs to consider co-parenting and whatnot. (If he was REFUSING to get divorced EVER but still wants to date you, then obviously your comfort would take precedence, but it sounds like that is not what is happening here.)
If he can't go through his own difficult situation independently and has to wait for a new girlfriend to make big decisions for him, then that is a red flag. Life is hard, relationships are hard, and it's normal to want support, but to drag your feet in sorting out your own affairs until someone comes along to pull the trigger for you shows a lack of personal accountability and responsibility. I can't help but wonder if that lack of accountability and responsibility is evident in other areas of his life as well?
Red. Flag.
I understand that he is telling you that what he is asking you to decide is "when" to get divorced, not "if" he's going to get divorced, but the fact that he wants to and hasn't already doesn't sound like he's as willing to get divorced as he makes if sound, or he would just rip the band-aid off and get it over with already instead of having his new girlfriend tell him "when" to file.
If you were a friend that I knew personally in real life asking me for advice on this, I would say "Tell him to figure it out for himself like an adult, get his affairs in order, and file for the divorce he says he wants like a grown-ass adult."
The only people who decide how messy this is going to be is him and his wife, and if he still sleeps over there and co-parents despite their separation, I'm not sure how officially filing for divorce is going to make things that much messier?
Either way, you do you, but make sure you've got your own finances and living situation squared away first and foremost so if his shit does get messy, his messy doesn't ruin your life somehow. (Also something I would tell any of my friends.)
QFT.
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Tight Lunchbox
Drunk cat


Registered: 11/06/16
Posts: 2,116
Last seen: 4 months, 7 days
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: BikerB]
#28057582 - 11/18/22 06:33 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
BikerB said: You got out of a 9 year relationship and started another right away with a guy who's not really available?
Those were my thoughts too.
What is the rush, OP? Why not just be alone for a bit and look for someone who doesn't make you question the fact that they are still married?
-------------------- "it's all a joke between mom contractions and coffin fittings" The most useful tool for noobs
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anatomality
Nothern Counterpart



Registered: 05/31/20
Posts: 1,354
Loc: North East
Last seen: 17 seconds
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: Tight Lunchbox] 1
#28057592 - 11/18/22 06:44 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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It's gonna be messy regardless.
Omelettes and eggs and all that shit. Try to hurt as few people as possible OP.
Love freely, hope for the best. The divorce is kind of just a formality, unless your a side piece unbeknownst to you.
Time will tell. Have faith I guess, good luck.
-------------------- “The strength of a person's spirit would then be measured by how much 'truth' he could tolerate, or more precisely, to what extent he needs to have it diluted, disguised, sweetened, muted, falsified.”
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Jewstress
Momma


Registered: 03/21/19
Posts: 5,402
Loc: everywhere.
Last seen: 2 days, 36 minutes
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: r3volution.gurl] 1
#28057634 - 11/18/22 07:12 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
r3volution.gurl said: The question was when, not if.
And he left the decision of when practically entirely in my hands.. sure sounds like I'm a sidechick lmfao.
You are.
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😇
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Jewstress
Momma


Registered: 03/21/19
Posts: 5,402
Loc: everywhere.
Last seen: 2 days, 36 minutes
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Re: When is the right time for my boyfriend to divorce his already separated wife? [Re: jack_straw2208] 1
#28057639 - 11/18/22 07:13 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
jack_straw2208 said: Lol phish head, how the hell can you be condescending to anyone when your taste in music is as abysmal as yours?
Quit your job and go follow them you dork.
12/10 don’t recommend this.
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