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OfflineI.Am.Duck
Migratory Species
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Registered: 09/11/22
Posts: 22
Loc: In flight
Last seen: 1 year, 3 months
Staring death in the eyes. * 2
    #27980455 - 10/03/22 11:25 PM (1 year, 3 months ago)

My names duck. Im a recovering opiate addict, my last relapse ended apx 16 months ago and was a yearof nonstop horror with fentanyl that lead me to overdose so many times my family and I genuinely lost count. I found my way, i quit methadone practically cold turkey at 125mg a day and my family had to try and force feed me it naked in the shower because I coulsnt move and was combative about it.

Needless to say my addiction has been put well into check beyond my own expectation..

June 20th(juneteenth) 2022 I found a customer passed out behind the wheel in my parkinglot. I woke him up knoeing what I was seeing but said nothing because ive been there myself.  We got to talking about recovery and he told me he was struggling to get clean. 30 minutes later hes dead in my parkinglot..

I hit him with narcan and brought him back twice but him litterally dieing in my arms haunts me. Watching his eyes fucking check back out like a windows 95 loading screen just eats at my soul. He was alive when i left him with paramedics but if feels like i was starring death jn the eyes amnd said fuck you not today. On the other hand death feels so much more personal.. it broke the illusion. Suddenly i'm not invincible anymore. I look in my daughters eyes and feel fucking dread because i know one day shes going to have to watch me die.

I dont knoe what to say about it anymore. I dont feel talking about it is going to change anything honestly but i need to get this shit off my chest.

I have a serious passion for prehospital trauma care but this one ordeal rocked me and I don't know that i'll be able to follow my dreams because of how i'm reacting..


--------------------
Quack.:mushroom2:


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InvisibleMr.GuessWork
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Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 4,563
Re: Staring death in the eyes. [Re: I.Am.Duck]
    #27980692 - 10/04/22 06:28 AM (1 year, 3 months ago)

Welcome to the forum. I like the duck persona and pic.

I disagree with your self-doubt, though it's understandable to feel that way. You might be great in the field. I was an EMT for a while and one of my favorite partners was an ex-opiate-addict. He was great on the overdose calls because he was always polite and disarming when my other partners would lecture people and try the tough love approach. I never felt like we made those situations worse by being there when he was my partner. Overcoming suffering is the best way to learn compassion.

Learning to get your shit together in the face of death is the first and most important step in getting control of a situation like that. I fucked it up the first time I saw someone go unresponsive, and it never happened again after that. It sounds like you did a fine job when you needed too, and if you keep processing what happened then you'll get better at that, both in the moment and after the fact.

How you deal with the psychological impacts of trauma is important. Letting it eat at you unchecked is a great way to develop PTSD, but if you stay on top of your own mental health, then you can usually get through it a better man, albeit with some baggage that other people won't understand. It helps to realize that you made that bad situation better by being there, and that's an objective truth you can always rely on if you get lost in despair or anger.

I've got some fucked up memories that still keep me up at night from time to time, but I think I continue to become a better human being as continuously learn how to face those experiences in my dreams and fantasies. I won't pretend that I don't get triggered a bit from time to time, but I try have a plan to direct my actions towards making the situation better when that happens so my triggered events tend to be appreciated and complimented rather than cause trouble. In truth though, I'm just attacking suffering the best way I know how to because I hate it and want it to end in way that makes me feel like I legitimately did a good thing. Figuring out how to use anger and hatred to make the world a better place requires some thoughtful reflection where you process your feelings and reactions, and then figure out how to react differently and make a plan to follow through in the excitement of the moment. If you can learn to process your psychological trauma in healthy way, then you'll end up with some righteous anger and compassion that can help others when nothing else will. If you process that trauma in a unhealthy way, then you can end up with some serious PTSD that fucks up your life and the lives of people that depend on you. In reality, you'll probably get a little of both.

Processing trauma is a learned skill. My advice is to start developing those skills now, when you're starting to feel that drive to think about the trauma and work through it. You did a wise thing by reaching out. Externalizing some of those feelings can be a helpful way to get some perspective and control over them. Anything that gives you options and perspectives can help you learn to process. Talking to friends or colleagues helps sometimes. I've bonded with patients in the middle of their own crisis and learned from them. Sometimes it helps just to see that someone else gives a shit about the same problem that you do. The trauma still gets your attention and eats at you a bit, but as you learn to bite back at it, you can really start to use your mastery of it to help others as well as yourself.

Even if you change your career plans, it's still a super valuable life skill to be able to manage this kind of thinking. Whatever you decide, you have my respect for stepping up when it mattered, and I'd work with you, even if you were a little bit crazy. Most of my partners were and not all of that crazy was the bad kind.


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Offlinethirtygoats
Male
Registered: 12/29/11
Posts: 1,985
Last seen: 2 days, 7 hours
Re: Staring death in the eyes. [Re: I.Am.Duck]
    #28010020 - 10/21/22 10:03 PM (1 year, 3 months ago)

Well, atleast you'll have someone there you actually know to help you when you're old or dying. I don't even have any kids, much less friends or family, and I'm not really sure if I have a future either. I'll probably just kill myself one day.


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