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Anonymous #1

Are relationships “transactional”?
    #28001108 - 10/15/22 09:40 PM (1 year, 3 months ago)

I heard someone say that all relationships are transactional, which seems to me to be an unhealthy way of viewing ones relationship with others, but at the same time, you always receive a benefit from the people you hang out with, even if it’s as simple as enjoying your time with them. What do you guys think?


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Anonymous #2

Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28001128 - 10/15/22 09:59 PM (1 year, 3 months ago)

In my experience it's only assholes looking at relationships that way. There's so much more...


Edited by Anonymous (10/15/22 09:59 PM)


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InvisibleLynnch
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: Anonymous #2] * 2
    #28001224 - 10/15/22 11:42 PM (1 year, 3 months ago)

Transactional implies keeping score, keeping receipts, maybe even literally counting dollars. That's a pretty fucked up relationship. In a healthy relationship, you spend your time together without a calculator, ya know?
That said, in an abusive situation, that balance gets so out of wack it's hard to ignore...


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Invisiblehummingbird

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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: Lynnch] * 1
    #28001265 - 10/16/22 12:35 AM (1 year, 3 months ago)

I think it's all in how you look at it, or how you define transaction. One of the definitions of transaction is an exchange or interaction between people...which is what all relationships of any type really are. Transaction does usually imply monetary/material exchange, but it doesn't have to.


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Offlinecubezy
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: hummingbird] * 1
    #28001272 - 10/16/22 12:50 AM (1 year, 3 months ago)

transactional means its based on desire, or what in this society is termed love, but what it really is is want. it comes from lack. happiness is based on the other person
however if a relationship is based on unconditional love, where there is no want from the other person, just love, then it is not transactional. this comes from fulfillment and the role of the relationship is to share the happiness, rather than make it a source of it.
it is easier to love everyone that way than only 1 person


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Invisiblehummingbird

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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: cubezy]
    #28001305 - 10/16/22 01:55 AM (1 year, 3 months ago)

If any interaction or exchange between people is a transaction though, that would encompass it all. Sharing happiness or any other feeling or energy or thought with someone is an interaction/exchange, therefore could be considered a transaction/transactional. It's not hard to see how  negative connation can be attached to the word transactional when being used to describe relationships, but even genuine unconditional love shared between people is still technically a transaction.


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Invisiblejack_straw2208
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: hummingbird]
    #28001317 - 10/16/22 02:28 AM (1 year, 3 months ago)

Some are more transactional than you think but most are less


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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: hummingbird] * 1
    #28001363 - 10/16/22 04:46 AM (1 year, 3 months ago)

Quote:

hummingbird said:
I think it's all in how you look at it, or how you define transaction. One of the definitions of transaction is an exchange or interaction between people...which is what all relationships of any type really are. Transaction does usually imply monetary/material exchange, but it doesn't have to.




This. I see relationships as transactional as one person does something for the other and the other person can return the "transaction" in a myriad of different ways.

Its like the saying "You get out what you put in". A transferrence of energy and effort between two people.


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Anonymous #3

Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 1
    #28001466 - 10/16/22 07:45 AM (1 year, 3 months ago)

Every interaction is transactional. People rarely give eachother the benefit of the doubt and true compassion is limited to those closest to us. Even in altruism there's atleast an expectation that the one on the receiving end at least appreciates it. Communication is a constant transaction. Think about why people hate small talk. Is it hard or does it have little to offer? What is it to have an "intelligent" conversation?


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OfflineTrancedOutBrah
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #28001936 - 10/16/22 03:21 PM (1 year, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #3 said:
Every interaction is transactional.




Lmao that's a giant stretch.

No relationship or friendship that's worth a damn is transactional


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Anonymous #3

Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: TrancedOutBrah]
    #28001997 - 10/16/22 03:53 PM (1 year, 3 months ago)

More micro. Less macro. Why communicate if there isn't some need? We all need eachother. Is there not something, however miniscule, which you can gain by simply making your comment? Why am I responding? Do you think your SO has expectations of you?


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OfflineDarwin23
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28023768 - 10/29/22 10:25 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)

On the most relevant level, I disagree. In an ideal relationship, you'll try to bring the best out of your partner and your partner will do the same for you.
At the same time, we're human. 30% of female calorie-intake goes to her reproductive system. On a biological level, there is some degree of transaction programmed into us.


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28026999 - 10/31/22 09:17 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)

Courtship can feel transactional, especially regarding the Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome.  For many men who want to have sex with a woman, (maybe a relationship also) they conclude they must stack the scale in their favor by promoting various impressions that support the conclusion they're a great catch.  It's a trade. If this show works, the guy gets sex and the gal gets a fantastic partner who is kind, brave, supportive, polite, good listener, etc. (insert alpha male stereotypes here) "The Game" as some call it. It's a lot like a job interview - a trade based on an interview (performance) evaluation. The company gets a great team member (maybe), and the candidate gets a paycheck every two weeks. 

Of course, the facade eventually fades . . . and there's the inevitable reveal  :eek:

Jerks are attractive to many women because they don't play this game.  What you see is what you get.


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InvisibleGray Hound
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28027109 - 10/31/22 10:31 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)

oh god. through hardships an trials. I dont know if ill ever view relationships as transactional, though i never did, but i was certainly picky about who i kept around and i was definitely selfish.

I think theres more to find in the world and deeper in people than a "transaction" maybe it was not a great word choice but "transactional" relationship sounds as cheap as a reciept for a trophy.... or something idk.


ive taken a lot of relationships for granted as a kid.. and now as an adult i can say that i wish to never take another person for granted... cuz there is so much more to life than "me" and "what i want"

fuck what i want, and fuck me. its not what i want in life. its what is given back to me.


all in all. what is life worth to you. You on a journey? or not too sure an just on it for a ride.... The ticket is yours.


Edited by Gray Hound (10/31/22 10:34 PM)


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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: Gray Hound]
    #28030549 - 11/03/22 01:38 AM (1 year, 2 months ago)

Quote:

kind, brave, supportive, polite, good listener, etc. (insert alpha male stereotypes here)



Lol those aren’t alpha male stereotypes


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OfflinetheRealrollforever
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: koods]
    #28031382 - 11/03/22 03:49 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)

Quote:

koods said:
Quote:

kind, brave, supportive, polite, good listener, etc. (insert alpha male stereotypes here)



Lol those aren’t alpha male stereotypes



Believe it or not some people are so far behind in the race they actually think they are leading


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InvisibleCranial Feature
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: koods]
    #28031495 - 11/03/22 05:02 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)

SHHH!


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InvisiblePastywhyteMDiscord
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: Cranial Feature] * 3
    #28043300 - 11/10/22 07:44 AM (1 year, 2 months ago)

Until people can reproduce asexually and/or own realistic synthetic companions, all relationships will be to some extent transactional. The question at that point is: can transactional relationships be mutually fulfilling? I believe that they can but that it’s less common today as it was in previous times. Humans don’t need to worry as much about grim realities of existence these days, we have different values now. That may change but for the moment people have different concerns than they once did. Until the social morays and drives catch up to modern technological existence, people will always to some extent see a partner in a relationship as someone who can augment their own life in some way. That is I believe the essence of a transaction between people.

So if relationships are in essence going to always have some elements of transaction what does this say about said relationship and the people within it? That will depend entirely on what exactly has been transacted and what kind of social morays we have instilled around those things in relation to said transaction. Two people just spending time together feels very egalitarian but what if one person has a communication issue, ie mute or deaf? Suddenly that mutual transaction becomes a little more one sided. But what if the deaf person is super interesting and can teach a lot? Now it’s going the other way. As soon as resource sharing becomes a factor it gets even more complex. Is there a difference between a pretty woman getting lots of dates where she benefits from her date paying for her and a sex worker? Is there a difference between a guy who spends $600 on 5 dates where he eventually gets lucky and sleeps with a woman (or doesn’t) and him paying $600 to go smash an escort for 2 hours? I would say there is but that the essence of the transactions taking place are still quite similar. It’s the expectation of potential outcomes or paths to the outcome that are different.

One thing to consider is what is the point of a relationship? Within most species in the animal kingdom relationships between animals is designed to further the survival of that species. Wolf packs hunt together to provide food for survival, many birds mate for life, etc. These relationships while not all the same are meant to allow for the survival of the species; both on an individual level and the subsequent generations to ensure survival of the species. Humans seem less concerned with raw survival now and our relationships that we form today tend to reflect this. I feel that the exact nature of transactional human relationships have a lot more “personal choice” built into them today as they are seen as an augmentation of human existence rather than the mechanism by which humans can exist. This is likely due to technology and as technology advances the need for specific relationship structures changes as well. As the conditions upon which we survive changes over the years, so to can the exact facets of our relationships and what kinds of relationships become successful or not.


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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: Pastywhyte]
    #28065390 - 11/22/22 11:21 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)

in a relationship you invest yourselves into each others wellbeing. If you let yourself be given the vip treatment like that, but dont give them the vip treatment back, the love will die, not because they are "transactional" but because you mooch of them.

So yes, love is transactional in the sense that each gives what they can. This is even so in most bdsm relationships.

Not in the sense of "wanting to receive" but in he sense of mutual giving, which of couirse doesbnt have to be money related.


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Anonymous #4

Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28080735 - 12/03/22 04:33 AM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
I heard someone say that all relationships are transactional, which seems to me to be an unhealthy way of viewing ones relationship with others, but at the same time, you always receive a benefit from the people you hang out with, even if it’s as simple as enjoying your time with them. What do you guys think?



"Transactional" gets a bad rep. People say you're an incel/cynic/psychopath (depending on your sex and relationship status) when you say that you consider (the concept of) relationships transactional, but say "I think relationships are a give and take spiritually, mentally, physically and sexually where both parties should invest themselves equally" and suddenly everyone gives you standing ovations or at worst calls you something of an over-idealistic hippy despite both of these statements saying the E-X-A-C-T same fucking thing.

So yes. They're transactional. A non-transactional relationship is at best dishonest if not downright exploitative if not abusive.


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Invisiblethelanzii

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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #28085753 - 12/06/22 08:25 AM (1 year, 1 month ago)

transactional seems like a very black-and-white way of looking at things

I paid for dinner = you owe me sex.

it's weird

feel like its more about a deep appreciation and affection for each other, and the natural benefits that come from it just are and don't feel transactional


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Invisibledelos4life
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: thelanzii] * 1
    #28086971 - 12/07/22 05:56 AM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Just the word transactional will make many uncomfortable! It’s ironic, on a forum where majority would be open for new insights on the human consciousness and to expand the conversation? Very strange way of viewing a relationship as non-transactional! Everything in the world is based on inputs/outputs.


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OfflineRoflspammer
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: delos4life] * 2
    #28087034 - 12/07/22 07:36 AM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Quote:

delos4life said:
Just the word transactional will make many uncomfortable! It’s ironic, on a forum where majority would be open for new insights on the human consciousness and to expand the conversation? Very strange way of viewing a relationship as non-transactional! Everything in the world is based on inputs/outputs.




I perceive this as a pretty righteous statement for a drug forum. Some people view transactional as having a connotation of business; love for some is not "business." Business for some is an act of love. Depends on how you define "transactional."

I think the logical conclusion came to in this thread is that:
For some, relationships are transactional. For others, relationships are not transactional. If you view relationships as transactional, then your relationships are transactional. Don't be trying to impose your belief systems on others; makes you sound like a fundamentalist or some sort of dogmatic preachy types.

For me, there are many aspects of relationships which don't give me anything directly. It's through manifestation and amalgamation of multiple smaller details that the concatenation of a relationship can provide some non-trivial level of value for me. I would say relationships are emergent, not transactional. There are multiple little "transactions" (i.e. unbalanced interactions of value) which are ultimately balanced as a relationship. Intimate relationships have a unique feature of including the intention of romantic love within each of these interactions. This emerges as an intimate romantic relationship. Much of these "exchanges of value" don't have extrinsic value to others i.e. others cannot get the same value in your relationship that you do from the same actions. This is why I find the transactional definition of relationships to fall short. There's something out of a relationship we get that the other person doesn't provide intrinsically. The satisfaction of seeing my friend smile is not something that my friend is giving me; it is emerging out of the transient actions I am taking.


Edited by Roflspammer (12/07/22 07:52 AM)


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Invisiblethelanzii

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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: delos4life] * 1
    #28087101 - 12/07/22 08:42 AM (1 year, 1 month ago)

relationships can be transactional

but im not the kind of person to keep tabs on the one I love

i want to love for the sake of love, not love for the sake of an expected output or debt to me


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Invisibledelos4life
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: Roflspammer]
    #28087120 - 12/07/22 09:07 AM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Again all forms of daily interactions regardless is transactional. Not trying to impose any belief system. From your response you seem bothered? If my input in this thread is not valid to your personal belief, that’s ok.


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Invisiblethelanzii

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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: delos4life]
    #28087154 - 12/07/22 09:50 AM (1 year, 1 month ago)

im not bothered

zooming out were arguing/discussing semantics

transactional's primary definition relates to business and I don't want a relationship to feel like a business transaction

your loose definition of transactional to me relates to the interconnectivity of all

were transacting with earth because were alive on it, I feel like it could be better said but who cares

the definition of transactional love on google is primarily around money or literally prostitution

what is there to gain in a loving relationship by tracking inputs and outputs?


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Invisibledelos4life
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: thelanzii] * 1
    #28087158 - 12/07/22 09:58 AM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Yes, my view of it is very loose compared to the dictionary. No worries I totally understand and respect ✊, accept your belief, that’s the only way to make the world go round.


Edited by delos4life (12/07/22 09:59 AM)


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Invisiblethelanzii

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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: delos4life]
    #28087164 - 12/07/22 10:06 AM (1 year, 1 month ago)

im curious of your thoughts on the last line in my former poster


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Invisibledelos4life
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: delos4life]
    #28087168 - 12/07/22 10:11 AM (1 year, 1 month ago)

I guess that would be up to the individual?


Edited by delos4life (12/07/22 10:14 AM)


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Anonymous #3

Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: thelanzii] * 1
    #28087292 - 12/07/22 11:57 AM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Quote:

thelanzii said:
what is there to gain in a loving relationship by tracking inputs and outputs?



How do you gain a loving relationship without having some form of acknowledgement for what they do for you? Looking up the definition for "interaction" one finds "reciprocal action or influence." Reciprocal: "given, felt, or done in return." Also "of an agreement(or obligation) bearing on or binding each of two parties equally.

If you want to argue definitions then relationships are linguistically transactional. But what exactly is a relationship if she doesn't recognize you do things for her and reciprocates or at least appreciates what you do? Does unconditional love have any conditions? Does your wife care if you don't take out the trash when she's asked you ten times? What are your odds of her doing nice things for you if you never do anything for her? What do most relationship problems revolve around? Would I make this post if I didn't at least expect you to read it or get some understanding from it?


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Invisibledelos4life
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #28087331 - 12/07/22 12:37 PM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Anonymous #3

Agree.


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Invisiblethelanzii

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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: Anonymous #3] * 1
    #28087348 - 12/07/22 12:51 PM (1 year, 1 month ago)

I agree with a lot of what you said

the thought that pops in my head is it feels odd looking at a relationship like what do I get from this person? what material possessions do they have? 

feels like there should be connection on a deeper level than that but I guess you could say a deeper level connection is  transactional as well


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: thelanzii]
    #28087522 - 12/07/22 03:46 PM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Sometimes I feel that sex is transactional.

I feel like I'm using someone's body for pleasure.

And that they are using my body for pleasure.


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Invisiblehummingbird

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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: RJ Tubs 202] * 1
    #28087852 - 12/07/22 06:59 PM (1 year, 1 month ago)

At the most basic level, it's an exchange of energy...which is a transaction. Lots of things can be attached to that after the fact and described from different points of view.

Even without sex involved though, all interactions between people can be viewed as a transaction of sorts. There doesn't need to be anything material exchanged.


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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: Are relationships “transactional”? [Re: RJ Tubs 202] * 1
    #28088096 - 12/07/22 11:55 PM (1 year, 1 month ago)

Quote:

RJ Tubs 202 said:
Sometimes I feel that sex is transactional.

I feel like I'm using someone's body for pleasure.

And that they are using my body for pleasure.




Definitely. And sometimes one person gets more "transactions" out of it, leaving the other person "neglected" in a way. In that case, a debt is owed in the form of pleasure :strokebeard:


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