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0t0lerance


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2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek 3
#27862155 - 07/14/22 07:42 AM (1 year, 6 months ago) |
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12-07-2022 - somewhere in the middle of the Netherlands.
9:15 - picked a bunch of lemonbalm from the garden, made 2 cups of tea, second one with ginger.
 9:20 - some apple, orange prepped 9:30 - mushrooms blended into powder (dark grey color) added 1/2 lemon while drinking first cup of tea

 9:45 - took the mushrooms 10:00 - prepped bedroom, disable doorbell, dampen all whatsapp messages, closing doors, windows, curtains for noise, placed fruit and some water next to the bed, headphone charged, tel charged, eyeshades. Finished second cup of tea. Imperial college playlist ready. 10:05 - headphone on... eyeshades on..eyes closed, laying in bed in my underpants.. start music.
? - launch I didn't have to wait long.. not sure how long.. minutes. Come on lightning fast, immediately noticed faces appearing, maybe a minute.. but it felt like being in a roller coaster.. but when you think you are already going really fast, it's just warming up the hyperdrive
? - first part Last high dose (5gr cubes) was half a year ago, done that twice, both challenging trips. Hoped pans would give me something beautiful. So I was anticipating on bliss or something beautiful.. but immediately felt that it was not going to turn out in that direction. Moving faster and faster.. with light speed through tunnels, fractals, vortexes of signs.. reminded me of the DMT youtube video's.. calming myself down. The lemon balm worked wonders.. for now. Noticed the music was on, but the power was overwhelming and the music seemed to be faint on the background. Seemed to produce it's own noise of grim.. alien music. Flying though small wormholes I drifter deeper and deeper into infinity. Felt like a huge boulder on my chest.. like g-forces.. so I took deep breaths, gathering all my courage as I stretched my arms out as it seemed we were still accelerating. Clenched my fists, I felt the urge to moan and went into warp speed. "are you ready".. some voice, tunnel became smaller and dark.. like some cosmic dungeon. Gathering my courage to meet whatever at the end was waiting. But there was nothing, the scenery changed a bit, I feel a moment of clarity coming up.
? - second part Gasping for air I got up, with primal hands elbowed the eyemask, decided to eat some apple or orange, took one bit of an apple piece.. staring at the wobbling orange which started it own ride into infinity, downed into the orange. Like falling into it.. felt an invisible hand grab mine pulling it backwards.. paralyzed my the intensity of the visuals I slowly laid down back into the bed. Cevs took over every thing.. chewed slowly but thought I needed to get up before I choked. Felt warp speed was warming up for I don't know what.. the mushroom was still warming up.
? - peak Got spiraled back into I don't know what, signs, patterns, all kinds of shapes.. dark.. maleficent things. Felt I was departing.. noticed a light at the end of the tunnel, didn't realize I opened my eyes as Cevs and Oevs were one. Lost sense of reality.. time stopped.. felt like this moment lasted a very long time, took very deep breaths and felt like I was going away or something. Is this dying, went down stream, courage no longer applied.. my breathing vibrated heavily.. entire Oevs vibrated. The internal dialogue was slow.. thought of a friend, but it disappeared and did not know what friends were. Lost sense of what I was.. didn't have memories. There was no fear the concept of fear, life.. reality was all gone, a sort of giving up on every thing and felt the urge to stop breathing due to vast emptiness. I was nothing, just breath was all I had. I have no recollection of what happened during this time.
? - part ..'breathe'.. BREATHE! Took very deep breaths as if the body intelligence forced my to take action. The roller coaster continued but it fainted quickly. All the visuals didn't bother me.. tried to eat the fruit as I really needed to eat. Turned out the fruit was somewhere else now.. on the bed.. no idea how it got there. When eating a song came on.., closed my eyes the vibration of the song dragged me into some DMT like realm with snakes like curtains with dimmed colors felt ancient and primitive while eating something. This intense sense of being part of some lost civilization. This exercised some sense of peace.
14:45 - come down Finally looked what time it was, feeling my persona returning.. the entire room breathed, the bed was waving like a calm ocean. Breathed very deep feeling happy to have survived and a sense of being in shock of what has taken place. Memory was not yet back.. had flashes of what happened but it was so much that the recording got overwhelmed and remember just flashes. Went to the bathroom and got dragged into the patterns on the floor, but quickly snapped out of it and decided to go downstairs and find carbs to finish the trips. Took me 1,5 hours before I was able to move a bit again.. catching my breath. Apart from a massive headache that took 2 days, I'm feeling calm and well now.
If I will do this ever again.. at that moment 'no', but now.. I'm not sure I still hope to some day feel that sense of bliss, unity and euphoria I read in other trip reports. Apparently I got what I deserved not what I wanted.. Haven't experienced it yet.. going to try different species and how to find the mushroom that will show me some love.
Edited by 0t0lerance (07/14/22 08:03 AM)
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shroomduck
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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: 0t0lerance]
#27862873 - 07/14/22 06:36 PM (1 year, 6 months ago) |
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Dang dude crazy report! Those Pans sound like they are potent AF lol.
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0t0lerance


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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: shroomduck]
#27863259 - 07/15/22 03:11 AM (1 year, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
shroomduck said: Dang dude crazy report! Those Pans sound like they are potent AF lol.
Yes, but 7,5 tot 10gr of cubes are equally potent. It's not potency I'm after, but the quality of the trip. The next species I'll be growing are Psilocybe Semperviva / Subtropicalis (reading great things about them).
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laughingdog
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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: 0t0lerance]
#27884272 - 07/31/22 03:53 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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Did you weigh the dose? or just go for 5 or 6 caps?
Edited by laughingdog (07/31/22 03:54 PM)
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0t0lerance


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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: laughingdog]
#27885254 - 08/01/22 11:31 AM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
laughingdog said: Did you weigh the dose? or just go for 5 or 6 caps?
..it takes 2 seconds to weigh it, I would never eyeball a dose.
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ghiajake
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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: 0t0lerance]
#27941378 - 09/09/22 01:55 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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What effect specifically are you species-hunting for?
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0t0lerance


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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: ghiajake]
#27949229 - 09/14/22 06:51 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
ghiajake said: What effect specifically are you species-hunting for?
Well, I hope to experience once the sense of bliss and overwhelming love I read about. Maybe I will not be in that dimension, but at least I try to improve the odds (now compiled my own playlist, growing a different variety).
I have 2 candidates for a next trip: - Panaeolus Bisporus - Psilocybe Subtopicalis
I think I will wait until I have grown the latter, as I've heard very positive things about them.
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Augusto
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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: 0t0lerance]
#27949627 - 09/14/22 12:12 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Sounds very much like the trip I had last night. Melmak white caps, 30 g fresh. I was in a serious state of dissociation and not knowing who I was at times. I also at one point thought (when I could think) what if I had died?
These are strong guys, and all will teach us something. Good trips and bad.
Peace.
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0t0lerance


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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: Augusto]
#27951396 - 09/15/22 01:24 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Augusto said: Sounds very much like the trip I had last night. Melmak white caps, 30 g fresh. I was in a serious state of dissociation and not knowing who I was at times. I also at one point thought (when I could think) what if I had died?
These are strong guys, and all will teach us something. Good trips and bad.
Peace. 
yeah, but.. those really dark moments on high doses, they can scare people for life who had them / make them quit mushrooms. Prefer to avoid that at all costs, whenever I can...

But I'm still interested about what Kalindi Iyi was talking about, so who knows...
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ghiajake
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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: 0t0lerance]
#27956737 - 09/18/22 10:21 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
0t0lerance said: yeah, but.. those really dark moments on high doses, they can scare people for life who had them / make them quit mushrooms.
But I'm still interested about what Kalindi Iyi was talking about, so who knows...
Kalindi was a good man, it's sad he passed a couple years ago.
I'm sorry to say, but you're looking at tripping wrong. That state of mind only comes from being right with oneself, unafraid of what darkness may be shown. Not from any specific species....
Quote:
0t0lerance said: Prefer to avoid that at all costs, whenever I can...
Your fear of the darkness is exactly what is keeping you from reaching the level you desire. There is nothing to fear but your own mind, or more specifically the darkness within it that you refuse to acknowledge and accept is an essential part of being a balanced person. Fungi will never show you what you want to see, but they will always show you what you need to deal with.
Look at it like a video game... You have to "level up" before you can attain new perks, and you can't expect to skip through the quest and gain the prize without fighting the boss. In case it's not clear, the "boss" is your own fears.
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ghiajake
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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: ghiajake]
#27956758 - 09/18/22 10:40 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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That said, I'd suggest starting the "quest" by consuming P. mexicana or P. tampanensis fruits (not truffles) as they are more of an introspective trip. They have a relatively low percentage of psilocybin, but a high level of psilocin. This is why they are more potent than cubes when fresh, and less potent than cubes when dried. Since those species are less visual, they give you the chance to slowly work through the fears and mental blocks that are keeping you from letting go.
Once you have tripped multiple times on those species and worked through your darkness, THEN move on to more visual species like Pans or azures. But ONLY after you've dealt with the darkness and no longer fear having bad trips.
I luckily got the chance to have several talks online with Kalindi over the years before his passing, and he would agree with me that you need to master the spiritual rituals of being a psychonaut before you delve deep into manipulating your mind with high levels of mind altering substances. To attain anything more than a recreational experience(or a REALLY bad experience) you have to practice, just like anything else. This is why I am personally against legalizing mushrooms for recreational use, and should only be legal for experienced medical or spiritual professionals. Even the Ancients would not use powerful entheogens without the Shaman's supervision. They were the one to select which entheogen the patient needed, and what the dosage should be to attain the desired effect. And their was ALWAYS detailed spiritual rituals required.
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0t0lerance


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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: ghiajake]
#27956846 - 09/19/22 12:11 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
ghiajake said: That said, I'd suggest starting the "quest" by consuming P. mexicana or P. tampanensis fruits (not truffles) as they are more of an introspective trip. They have a relatively low percentage of psilocybin, but a high level of psilocin. This is why they are more potent than cubes when fresh, and less potent than cubes when dried. Since those species are less visual, they give you the chance to slowly work through the fears and mental blocks that are keeping you from letting go.
Once you have tripped multiple times on those species and worked through your darkness, THEN move on to more visual species like Pans or azures. But ONLY after you've dealt with the darkness and no longer fear having bad trips.
I luckily got the chance to have several talks online with Kalindi over the years before his passing, and he would agree with me that you need to master the spiritual rituals of being a psychonaut before you delve deep into manipulating your mind with high levels of mind altering substances. To attain anything more than a recreational experience(or a REALLY bad experience) you have to practice, just like anything else. This is why I am personally against legalizing mushrooms for recreational use, and should only be legal for experienced medical or spiritual professionals. Even the Ancients would not use powerful entheogens without the Shaman's supervision. They were the one to select which entheogen the patient needed, and what the dosage should be to attain the desired effect. And their was ALWAYS detailed spiritual rituals required.
Probably I've jumped the gun then as I went to higher doses quickly thinking the first few would deal with the darkness.. however the past 3 high dose trips were challenging, 2 days ago I've tried 1 gr pan bisporus with similar results. That makes 4 in total https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/27955528#27955528

What would you suggest me to do? start with light doses and work my way up slower? I am not in the position to trip often. I've tried: (15 years ago, 18 years old at that time, still legal in NL) - 2,5 fresh pans (good trip with a friend) (13 years ago) - truffles (bad setting, darkest trip I've had) (Past 2 years, since growing mushrooms) - 5gr cubes (challenging) 2x - 2,5gr pans cyan (challenging) - 1gr bisporus (challenging)
Edited by 0t0lerance (09/19/22 12:32 AM)
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ghiajake
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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: 0t0lerance]
#27956927 - 09/19/22 02:28 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Interesting that the darkest trip you've had was off truffles. This confirms for me that your blockage is due to some issues inside you probably need to come to terms with.
First and foremost, I say stop tripping at night altogether until you are comfortable tripping again. The chance of bad trips is greatly higher in the dark or under artificial lighting. Secondly, stop tripping indoors for a while. I know the NL is much smaller than the US, but I'm sure you have forests somewhere to go get lost in. And I do mean that quite literally. As a young man I would go wander around in the woods and not pay attention where was going, then dose acid as the sun went down and would spend the night trying to find my way back to the car by moon and starlight alone. Now, I don't recommend doing so on a high dosage of psychedelics like I did, but start off easy with 1-2 grams of regular cubes (not a PE strain) and go get yourself lost in the morning so you have plenty of time before dark. You don't want your friends to have to track your discarded clothing to find you naked, covered in mud, growling and biting at them while they try to get you to come out of a cave like my poor friends had to once. 
I'm gonna assume you are a biological male, is that correct? If so, you have to realize that for tens of thousands of years this is exactly how a boy became a man, and now there is no such Rite of Passage for us. People cannot expect the necessity of eons of evolutionary behavior to simply vanish in the past 100 years of technological advancement. The decline of the Rite of Passage among men is the direct cause of so many men suffering from low self-esteem, confidence, and depression issues today. You MUST have full confidence in yourself to defeat and control the monster within, and what better way to gain confidence in yourself than to "survive" getting lost in the woods while tripping? It's not like you have to worry about killing a saber-toothed tiger with a stick to be allowed back in your tribe as a man... 
I won't assume to know the darkness inside you, or postulate as to the cause of your inner turmoil. To be honest, none of that matters for this conversation other than to acknowledge their existence. What does matter is there are clear well-traveled paths back out of the darkness, all you must do is follow in the footsteps of your forefathers. We as humans have gotten so spoiled that anxiety became a problem instead of a required tool to survive past the age of 10.
Outside of tripping, I'd suggest watching some of Dr Jordan Peterson's longform lectures, speeches, and interviews on the YouTubes. The man is a genius at understanding the biological and evolutionary differences in behavior between the two sexes, and I never use the word "genius" lightly. If you don't prefer him due to the controversy surrounding him in the woke community, then I'd suggest the "Star Wars: Clone Wars" series as an alternative source of wisdom. Especially Season 6 episodes 11-13. The story arc shows how even Grandmaster Yoda must learn to accept his own darkness. FYI, I'm a huge Star Wars nerd and just find any excuse to promote all of Dave Filoni's branch of Star Wars. His works within the franchise have a deep wisdom to them all. I routinely use them as reminders of the ancient wisdom they contain, much like religious people do with their fables.
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ghiajake
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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: 0t0lerance]
#27956932 - 09/19/22 02:41 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
0t0lerance said: Probably I've jumped the gun then as I went to higher doses quickly thinking the first few would deal with the darkness..
This sentence caught my eye specifically. The darkness within you is NEVER "dealt" with, it has and always will be there. The only thing that can quell it is understanding it, where it comes from, how it effects you and those around you, etc. I may be wrong, and hopefully am, but it seems like you think that just taking shrooms equals years of therapy or bluntly-honest introspection. They are not a magic pill, and they cannot do the hard work for you. They can only either provide a different colorful perspective, or shatter your personal illusions of yourself and the world around you. Those are literally the only two functions they have. The rest is up to you to work through.
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0t0lerance


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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: ghiajake]
#27956985 - 09/19/22 05:03 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
ghiajake said: Interesting that the darkest trip you've had was off truffles. This confirms for me that your blockage is due to some issues inside you probably need to come to terms with.
First and foremost, I say stop tripping at night altogether until you are comfortable tripping again. The chance of bad trips is greatly higher in the dark or under artificial lighting. Secondly, stop tripping indoors for a while. I know the NL is much smaller than the US, but I'm sure you have forests somewhere to go get lost in. And I do mean that quite literally. As a young man I would go wander around in the woods and not pay attention where was going, then dose acid as the sun went down and would spend the night trying to find my way back to the car by moon and starlight alone. Now, I don't recommend doing so on a high dosage of psychedelics like I did, but start off easy with 1-2 grams of regular cubes (not a PE strain) and go get yourself lost in the morning so you have plenty of time before dark. You don't want your friends to have to track your discarded clothing to find you naked, covered in mud, growling and biting at them while they try to get you to come out of a cave like my poor friends had to once. 
I'm gonna assume you are a biological male, is that correct? If so, you have to realize that for tens of thousands of years this is exactly how a boy became a man, and now there is no such Rite of Passage for us. People cannot expect the necessity of eons of evolutionary behavior to simply vanish in the past 100 years of technological advancement. The decline of the Rite of Passage among men is the direct cause of so many men suffering from low self-esteem, confidence, and depression issues today. You MUST have full confidence in yourself to defeat and control the monster within, and what better way to gain confidence in yourself than to "survive" getting lost in the woods while tripping? It's not like you have to worry about killing a saber-toothed tiger with a stick to be allowed back in your tribe as a man... 
I won't assume to know the darkness inside you, or postulate as to the cause of your inner turmoil. To be honest, none of that matters for this conversation other than to acknowledge their existence. What does matter is there are clear well-traveled paths back out of the darkness, all you must do is follow in the footsteps of your forefathers. We as humans have gotten so spoiled that anxiety became a problem instead of a required tool to survive past the age of 10.
Outside of tripping, I'd suggest watching some of Dr Jordan Peterson's longform lectures, speeches, and interviews on the YouTubes. The man is a genius at understanding the biological and evolutionary differences in behavior between the two sexes, and I never use the word "genius" lightly. If you don't prefer him due to the controversy surrounding him in the woke community, then I'd suggest the "Star Wars: Clone Wars" series as an alternative source of wisdom. Especially Season 6 episodes 11-13. The story arc shows how even Grandmaster Yoda must learn to accept his own darkness. FYI, I'm a huge Star Wars nerd and just find any excuse to promote all of Dave Filoni's branch of Star Wars. His works within the franchise have a deep wisdom to them all. I routinely use them as reminders of the ancient wisdom they contain, much like religious people do with their fables.
Well, to provide you with a bit more context; truffels were in college, was going to be a fun movie night, but turned out we were going to watch "I Am Legend" .. I'll spare you the details
Started with high doses after listening to Ann Shulgin, to face the shadow side. Jiddu Krishnamurti could have been yoda haha, listening to his talks.. I'm familiar with Peterson, probably you are then also familiar with Dr Iain McGilchrist (there are multiple conversations between them). Maybe you have seen his documentary 'the devided brain' and his book; the master and his emissary?
I'll start out with lighter doses, I was aiming for that too with bisporus.. but underestimated the potency. I'll take your advice at heart, thank you for taking your time replying. I appreciate it.
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ghiajake
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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: 0t0lerance]
#27957509 - 09/19/22 02:33 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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No problem man, just happy I could help steer you on the right course.
Dr Iain McGilchrist sounds familiar, but I don't think I've seen that documentary. I am 60/40 ambidextrous, so I am familiar with the bifurcation of our brains. I personally take issue with the Shulgins and McKennas of the world. Most experienced psychonauts often forget the Path they took to get to the level they did, and disregard the importance of incremental "baby steps". After you get right with yourself, then I DO suggest a "god dose" a few times to attain the ego-death needed to get to the level you're looking for. I myself have dosed 160 grams of fresh cubes several times. Now, I have no need to trip because I have walked through the Garden of the Gods enough times I don't feel the need to do it anymore.
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0t0lerance


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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: ghiajake]
#27958377 - 09/19/22 11:46 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
ghiajake said: No problem man, just happy I could help steer you on the right course.
Dr Iain McGilchrist sounds familiar, but I don't think I've seen that documentary. I am 60/40 ambidextrous, so I am familiar with the bifurcation of our brains. I personally take issue with the Shulgins and McKennas of the world. Most experienced psychonauts often forget the Path they took to get to the level they did, and disregard the importance of incremental "baby steps". After you get right with yourself, then I DO suggest a "god dose" a few times to attain the ego-death needed to get to the level you're looking for. I myself have dosed 160 grams of fresh cubes several times. Now, I have no need to trip because I have walked through the Garden of the Gods enough times I don't feel the need to do it anymore.
Here is the trailer, it the most beautifull documentary I've seen.
Maybe because it's touching on something Krishnamurti has been explaining for 70 years.. but then from a scientific angle. don't know if you've ever listened to his talks? His conversation with Anderson and David Bohm are very moving.. https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1n30s-LKus7XDJA0eXbd5n3f9qDcQOWP I'll take those baby steps happily, thank you.
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ghiajake
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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: 0t0lerance]
#27958760 - 09/20/22 09:56 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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I do recognize his face, I'll search for the full documentary after work. I haven't read his book, but from the comments in that preview he's speaking about the same types of conclusions about the brain that I have had for decade or two now. The left hemisphere focuses on the finite, while the right hemisphere focuses on the infinite (or abstract), the former focusing inward while the latter focuses outward. And yes, the world is dominated by left-brain thinking because only 10% of the world is left-hand dominant (right-brained). Art, creativity, music religious experiences, etc are right-brained traits, while math, accounting, science, history, etc are all left-branded traits. For example, the old man in the preview that (erroneously) claimed that the brain is "mechanical" and doesn't need any further study. I promise you that man couldn't wipe his own ass if his right arm was in a cast! Probably wouldn't even be able to feed himself with his left hand...
I've studied the brain for 33 years, since the school and my mother made me take an IQ test in 5th grade. It was then that I began my life-long quest to understand the brain and why it works the way it does. And one of the things I have found (discovered really) is that you can improve brain function and efficiency by forcing yourself to do menial tasks with the opposite hand you usually use. What this does is increase cross-brain activity by stimulating (and enlarging) the Corpus Callosum. It is basically the fiberoptic communication hub between the two hemispheres of the brain, and using your opposite hand (and foot) than usual creates new connections to underused portions of the brain. And if I'm being honest, increasing your corpus callosum through my method is a more effective means of balancing mental disorders like narcissism, depression, trauma, and most mental illnesses where people get locked into dogmatic thinking patterns than "talk therapy" is.
On a side note, this is usually why athletes excel, because they are training both sides of their brains in order for them to work in unison to keep the body balanced during quick position changes. Along with endorphins, this is also why runners get "high" from running, and seem to be able to think clearer while running. It's because both sides of the brain are being utilized at the same time. And the earlier (before puberty) the person starts athletic training, the more dramatic effect on the corpus callosum and cross-brain activity.
Here is a study showing consistently larger (11%) corpus callosum in left-handed and ambidextrous individuals. The reason left-hand dominant individuals show increased white matter is because we all live in a right-handed world and are forced to learn how to use our offhand to do things like; use scissors, open doors, use normal binders and spiral notebooks, read a book from front to back, write from left to right, etc. All those things are counter-intuitive to us left-handed people, but because of it every left-handed person is more ambidextrous than most right-handed people...
Another side note, the bifurcation of our brains is WHY we as humans view things in dichotomy; good/bad, right/wrong, if/then, us/them, the angel/devil sitting on your shoulder (your conscience), etc. It is a biological binary code used to understand the world around us. When a person exclusively uses one side of the brain over the other, their programming is off and they view the world out of skew. Simply put, single-handed people are really only utilizing half their brains' potential and efficiency, which causes the unused hemisphere to lose plasticity much quicker.
Edited by ghiajake (09/20/22 10:21 AM)
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Scotay
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Re: 2,54gr pan cyans 'estero' lemon tek [Re: 0t0lerance]
#27969856 - 09/26/22 10:12 PM (1 year, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
0t0lerance said: 12-07-2022 - somewhere in the middle of the Netherlands.
9:15 - picked a bunch of lemonbalm from the garden, made 2 cups of tea, second one with ginger.
 9:20 - some apple, orange prepped 9:30 - mushrooms blended into powder (dark grey color) added 1/2 lemon while drinking first cup of tea

 9:45 - took the mushrooms 10:00 - prepped bedroom, disable doorbell, dampen all whatsapp messages, closing doors, windows, curtains for noise, placed fruit and some water next to the bed, headphone charged, tel charged, eyeshades. Finished second cup of tea. Imperial college playlist ready. 10:05 - headphone on... eyeshades on..eyes closed, laying in bed in my underpants.. start music.
? - launch I didn't have to wait long.. not sure how long.. minutes. Come on lightning fast, immediately noticed faces appearing, maybe a minute.. but it felt like being in a roller coaster.. but when you think you are already going really fast, it's just warming up the hyperdrive
? - first part Last high dose (5gr cubes) was half a year ago, done that twice, both challenging trips. Hoped pans would give me something beautiful. So I was anticipating on bliss or something beautiful.. but immediately felt that it was not going to turn out in that direction. Moving faster and faster.. with light speed through tunnels, fractals, vortexes of signs.. reminded me of the DMT youtube video's.. calming myself down. The lemon balm worked wonders.. for now. Noticed the music was on, but the power was overwhelming and the music seemed to be faint on the background. Seemed to produce it's own noise of grim.. alien music. Flying though small wormholes I drifter deeper and deeper into infinity. Felt like a huge boulder on my chest.. like g-forces.. so I took deep breaths, gathering all my courage as I stretched my arms out as it seemed we were still accelerating. Clenched my fists, I felt the urge to moan and went into warp speed. "are you ready".. some voice, tunnel became smaller and dark.. like some cosmic dungeon. Gathering my courage to meet whatever at the end was waiting. But there was nothing, the scenery changed a bit, I feel a moment of clarity coming up.
? - second part Gasping for air I got up, with primal hands elbowed the eyemask, decided to eat some apple or orange, took one bit of an apple piece.. staring at the wobbling orange which started it own ride into infinity, downed into the orange. Like falling into it.. felt an invisible hand grab mine pulling it backwards.. paralyzed my the intensity of the visuals I slowly laid down back into the bed. Cevs took over every thing.. chewed slowly but thought I needed to get up before I choked. Felt warp speed was warming up for I don't know what.. the mushroom was still warming up.
? - peak Got spiraled back into I don't know what, signs, patterns, all kinds of shapes.. dark.. maleficent things. Felt I was departing.. noticed a light at the end of the tunnel, didn't realize I opened my eyes as Cevs and Oevs were one. Lost sense of reality.. time stopped.. felt like this moment lasted a very long time, took very deep breaths and felt like I was going away or something. Is this dying, went down stream, courage no longer applied.. my breathing vibrated heavily.. entire Oevs vibrated. The internal dialogue was slow.. thought of a friend, but it disappeared and did not know what friends were. Lost sense of what I was.. didn't have memories. There was no fear the concept of fear, life.. reality was all gone, a sort of giving up on every thing and felt the urge to stop breathing due to vast emptiness. I was nothing, just breath was all I had. I have no recollection of what happened during this time.
? - part ..'breathe'.. BREATHE! Took very deep breaths as if the body intelligence forced my to take action. The roller coaster continued but it fainted quickly. All the visuals didn't bother me.. tried to eat the fruit as I really needed to eat. Turned out the fruit was somewhere else now.. on the bed.. no idea how it got there. When eating a song came on.., closed my eyes the vibration of the song dragged me into some DMT like realm with snakes like curtains with dimmed colors felt ancient and primitive while eating something. This intense sense of being part of some lost civilization. This exercised some sense of peace.
14:45 - come down Finally looked what time it was, feeling my persona returning.. the entire room breathed, the bed was waving like a calm ocean. Breathed very deep feeling happy to have survived and a sense of being in shock of what has taken place. Memory was not yet back.. had flashes of what happened but it was so much that the recording got overwhelmed and remember just flashes. Went to the bathroom and got dragged into the patterns on the floor, but quickly snapped out of it and decided to go downstairs and find carbs to finish the trips. Took me 1,5 hours before I was able to move a bit again.. catching my breath. Apart from a massive headache that took 2 days, I'm feeling calm and well now.
If I will do this ever again.. at that moment 'no', but now.. I'm not sure I still hope to some day feel that sense of bliss, unity and euphoria I read in other trip reports. Apparently I got what I deserved not what I wanted.. Haven't experienced it yet.. going to try different species and how to find the mushroom that will show me some love.
Sounds absolutely crazy. Sounds familiar. Like you can't die from it but fuccckkkk it sure feels like you're never coming back and if you do coming back to what?!?!? The nothingness!?!? Glad you're ok though. Seriously intense. Safe travels friends and neighbors!!! 😎✌️
-------------------- Just chillin like a Villain and talking to like minded individuals!! Mush Love!! 😎✌️
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