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OfflineNear Dylan
Shitpost Artist


Registered: 07/29/15
Posts: 13,929
Last seen: 6 days, 10 hours
Gotta get some shit off my chest.. * 4
    #27940444 - 09/08/22 01:39 PM (1 year, 4 months ago)

When I was 11, I was molested by a female camp counsellor. This traumatized me, and what was worse was that I couldn't talk about how I felt about it, because I was labeled as gay for being uncomfortable with it.

2 years after this, I got in my first relationship with a girl. It got extremely serious for the age, lost my virginity and just engaged in all manner of raunchy behaviour, including drug abuse. The relationship last a little over a year before she cheated on my with my best friend. This caused me to develop poly-drug addiction and entirely isolate myself from everyone and everything for 7 years. Dropped out of school, ghosted all of my friends, avoided my family. This very much damaged my development and caused me to develop crippling anxiety and depression.

During this period, my first girlfriend had become something of an icon in my mind. More of a symbol. I was tortured with thoughts of her every day, even all these years later. I had not spoken to her since we broke up, had not looked for any updates, nothing. Until I was cnotacted by her friend that we used to hang out with, who was drunk and wanted to tell me that my first gf had been arrested. She then went on to inform me that following our break-up, she got in a relation with a 26 year old, who very quickly got her addicted to heroin, and got her pregnant. That she now has the child with him. That he pushed her into prostitution. That there was a video of her being gang banged by 8 guys. She then proceeded to send me this video.

This completely shattered me. I can not express enough how severe of an effect this had on me. My already seriously damaged sexuality was destroyed. To this day, I am unable to really think about sex without my heart dropping. I have been unable to maintain a healthy relationship with anybody, let alone a partner. Rather than getting better with time, it has actualyl gotten much worse with time, and my ability to function properly in society is increasingly corroded.

I would go to a therapist, but I am terrified. I would never be able to say these things aloud. I am having extreme difficulties with this. If anyone has any advice or something that would be great.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
irregular verb
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Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,528
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: Near Dylan] * 1
    #27940476 - 09/08/22 01:53 PM (1 year, 4 months ago)

right,
well people get into a habit of holding onto their pain which is uniquely their own.

even you know you have to let go of these little historical events even though you have managed to blow them so out of proportion that you have justified taking yourself hostage for YEARS and are not quitting any time soon.

you have created your own unique hostage crisis in which you are both the victim and the perp.

get on with your life and don't look back, it's just dumb.


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:confused: _ :brainfart:🧠  _ :finger:


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Invisibleredgreenvines
irregular verb
 User Gallery

Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,528
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: redgreenvines] * 2
    #27940477 - 09/08/22 01:54 PM (1 year, 4 months ago)

oh an why are you using this in your sig?
I think it reinforces fuckedupness and should be dropped


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:confused: _ :brainfart:🧠  _ :finger:


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OfflineHappyHigh
Stranger

Registered: 05/05/17
Posts: 892
Last seen: 1 day, 15 hours
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: redgreenvines]
    #27940529 - 09/08/22 02:19 PM (1 year, 4 months ago)

Any issue with out talking to a person who has also been there and can relate is hard too deal with. I have a lot of sexual issues, from a uncle who tried to molest me too and failed, feeling inadequate from my wife leaving me cause was on so many drugs to combat epilepsy that my dick didn't work, then when she came back I was TOOO overly sexual all i thought about was her booty 24/7. Now she has left me and I couldn't think of starting a sexual relationship with another person, I'm damaged.


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Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.


Edited by HappyHigh (09/08/22 02:23 PM)


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InvisibleRahz
Alive Again
Male


Registered: 11/10/05
Posts: 9,227
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: Near Dylan]
    #27940644 - 09/08/22 03:29 PM (1 year, 4 months ago)

If you went to a therapist you don't have to say anything you don't want to.


--------------------
rahz

comfort pleasure power love truth awareness peace


"You’re not looking close enough if you can only see yourself in people who look like you." —Ayishat Akanbi


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Invisibleredgreenvines
irregular verb
 User Gallery

Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,528
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: HappyHigh]
    #27940648 - 09/08/22 03:32 PM (1 year, 4 months ago)

sex is not everything - at least half of adults are either servicing their own needs or just completely over it

amazingly we have inherited a kind of territoriality to sex with a particular partner, but while this was significant to early humans, it is less of a real thing these days unless you are in a relationship that is very oriented to traditional family life. raising kids and taking care of grandma...

the the weird uncle comes around, and wreaks havoc on the kids' psyches.

calming the fuck down is the message I keep repeating.


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:confused: _ :brainfart:🧠  _ :finger:


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OfflineHappyHigh
Stranger

Registered: 05/05/17
Posts: 892
Last seen: 1 day, 15 hours
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: redgreenvines] * 3
    #27941047 - 09/08/22 07:28 PM (1 year, 4 months ago)

FYI saying calm the fuck down to a person in mental trauma will only push them further away and deeper in their own evil thoughts.


--------------------
Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
irregular verb
 User Gallery

Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,528
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: HappyHigh] * 2
    #27941119 - 09/08/22 08:04 PM (1 year, 4 months ago)

by "in a trauma", do you mean escalating every issue into the vortex of your personal violation experience that happened so long ago but feels like 4 minutes ago?

at some point you can't take it any more...

is that what you mean?


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:confused: _ :brainfart:🧠  _ :finger:


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Invisiblecubedryeguy
Stranger
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Registered: 07/24/15
Posts: 536
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: Near Dylan] * 2
    #27941375 - 09/09/22 01:52 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

I’ll add my two cents although your experience quite differs from my own life experiences. My first suggestion would be to get into a good routine of daily meditation. I’m sure plenty of members here can offer their techniques and what meditation means to them. For me it helped create space between my compulsive and obsessive thought patterns which were rooted in past negative experiences and the anxiety of potential future negative experiences. It will take time and discipline, especially when you get absorbed into thought patterns like ‘this isn’t working’ or ‘this is a waste of time’.

Be kind, loving and especially patient with yourself. I would also stay off of social media and limit, if not completely cut out, the people that attach you to this past event. Don’t give them the opportunity to contact you. Create your own space of peace and try to surround yourself with people that build you up rather than tear you down. I’m sure you’ll get other good advice from members here but you can always message me if you ever need to vent anything else. Big hug to you brother.


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OfflineDr_Frankenstein
Mad Scientist
I'm a teapot
Registered: 09/09/22
Posts: 13
Loc: somewhere down the universe
Last seen: 1 year, 1 month
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: cubedryeguy] * 1
    #27941904 - 09/09/22 12:29 PM (1 year, 4 months ago)

Well lets bring some positivity in ur life in the first place.
Ur awesome like you are, and if Theres anything you wanna change, make your goal clear, and go for it Like a beast ;-)

Thats all for now.


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Offlinekenginewitty
_.;-'*`*'-;._.;-'>>>
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 07/05/22
Posts: 508
Loc: ܐܠܗܐheaven
Last seen: 1 year, 1 month
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: Near Dylan] * 1
    #27942347 - 09/09/22 05:25 PM (1 year, 4 months ago)

heartbreak takes a long time to heal


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ocyb.in


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InvisiblePatrickKn
I'm a teapot

Registered: 07/10/11
Posts: 20,560
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: kenginewitty]
    #27944613 - 09/10/22 10:31 PM (1 year, 4 months ago)

You've typed your feelings out and don't need to say anything out loud that you don't want to. Maybe bring a piece of paper with everything in your OP typed out on a word document and start from there.


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OfflineForresterM
aspiring sociopath
Male User Gallery

Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 9,351
Loc: Northeast USA
Last seen: 24 days, 4 hours
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: Near Dylan]
    #27944707 - 09/11/22 12:45 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

It may come across as harsh but RGV is right, you've got to let the past go.  Everyone's got their own trauma and part of the life experience is learning to let it go and learn that each new day is a fresh start.  Nothing that happened in the past is affecting you any further than you are choosing to let it.

I would also agree with cubedryeguy's response.  Meditation and maybe finding a spiritual practice that teaches self-empowerment and your own inherent value as a part of creation.  You've got to realize the power of your own mind and use it to free yourself rather than keeping yourself locked in the comfortable familiarity of your own trauma.


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Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here.
-------------------

Have some medicinal mushrooms and want to get the most out of them?  Try this double extraction method.


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OfflineNear Dylan
Shitpost Artist


Registered: 07/29/15
Posts: 13,929
Last seen: 6 days, 10 hours
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: Forrester]
    #27944910 - 09/11/22 07:56 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

Idk how to let it go it's just an automatic response or something like a shock collar. I'd like to see the rational side of things and that it shouldn't affect me anymore and doesnt have any bearing on my life but idk things like this sometimes arent bc of what you think but just bc of what ur body is doing or something. I can talk all day about how ive moved on from my fuckin high school gf but that doesnt make it so that i have a sex drive, or get hard for my gf, and that my heart doesnt drop when im confronted with prostitution or domestic abuse.

It's been over a decade man ive had a lot of time for reflection on this, plenty of meditation sessions dedicated to it, plenty of self help mental bs. I think its obvious i need to seek professional treatment and need to accept that i cant rely solely on the 'power of my mind' anymore when my life is on the line


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OfflineNear Dylan
Shitpost Artist


Registered: 07/29/15
Posts: 13,929
Last seen: 6 days, 10 hours
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: kenginewitty]
    #27944922 - 09/11/22 08:11 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

Quote:

kenginewitty said:
heartbreak takes a long time to heal



I dont think it is about my heart being broken i think i was just very young and in fragile states and certain things got burned into my brain and into my chemistry and I have been having trouble coping with it and eradicating it.

And its difficult when you are rlly suffering through something for a long time that you feel increasingly helpless over, and get told that its your fault for not getting over it. RGV is absolutely not right and clearly has an incredibly limited understanding of these things and spat out a victim shaming rant at me, as if I havent been told enough times to get over it and that im dumb. This is not helpful and there's no reason to treat me that way

I would ask that if your response to my molestation and subsequent sexual traumas is something along the lines 'get over it' and 'just stop being locked in your trauma' to please keep it to yourself. My whole life I have been trying to manage and move past this. I tried mushrooms because of this shit I have gone through every 'spiritual practice' bullshit there is. This is obviously a very deep-rooted complex issue that I am obviously not entirely equipped to overcome alone.


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InvisibleRahz
Alive Again
Male


Registered: 11/10/05
Posts: 9,227
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: Near Dylan] * 3
    #27944923 - 09/11/22 08:12 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

People who don't deal with childhood sexual abuse and/or aren't familiar with it will have difficulty understanding. It's very common for people to say "let it go", "get over it", "cheer up", etc. because they can only relate from their own experience.

As a non psychologist who does have experience dealing with someone who was abused as a child, my recommendation is to start seeing a therapist. Talk therapy may be helpful and there are therapy techniques like EMDR that you can look into.

The process doesn't have to be 1- pick out a therapist, 2- spill your guts. Instead, pick a therapist. Use the first session as an interview where you're basically interviewing the therapist for the job. If you don't like the vibe schedule the next session with a different therapist. Once you've found someone you're comfortable with, proceed at a pace you're comfortable with.


--------------------
rahz

comfort pleasure power love truth awareness peace


"You’re not looking close enough if you can only see yourself in people who look like you." —Ayishat Akanbi


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OfflineNear Dylan
Shitpost Artist


Registered: 07/29/15
Posts: 13,929
Last seen: 6 days, 10 hours
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: Rahz]
    #27944935 - 09/11/22 08:21 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

It is worth noting that I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 when I was younger after seeing a psychiatrist and I was forced to a mental hospital because of detailing my suicidal thoughts. As I've gotten older, I more and more often have what i assume to 'mixed' manic and depressive episodes. I am kind of worried about returning to psychiatry after kind of being fucked over by it in the past, and im not sure what i should and shouldnt be saying to them, or if i should consider getting treatment for bipolar on top of this.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
irregular verb
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Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,528
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: Near Dylan]
    #27944969 - 09/11/22 08:51 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

Yes letting go is not a thing you even can know how to do in the face of reflex threat perceptions

You cannot learn that trick per se.

However you can practice calm and awareness, and in practice, issues will arise and you will let go and be calm in the face of them

By practice eventually the reflex will not be a threat perception but awareness and calm

Takes time


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InvisibleRahz
Alive Again
Male


Registered: 11/10/05
Posts: 9,227
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: Near Dylan]
    #27944971 - 09/11/22 08:51 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

As an adult simply bringing up suicidal thoughts isn't going to get you committed. If you indicate that you have a plan, the means, and intend to follow through with it, that might get you committed. It's the same with threats of violence towards others.

There are plenty of articles on the nuances of it to be found online. Don't let those thoughts stop you from finding a therapist.


--------------------
rahz

comfort pleasure power love truth awareness peace


"You’re not looking close enough if you can only see yourself in people who look like you." —Ayishat Akanbi


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Invisibleredgreenvines
irregular verb
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Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,528
Re: Gotta get some shit off my chest.. [Re: Rahz]
    #27944980 - 09/11/22 09:01 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

right, could amount to a hard case of harm ocd which never turns to harm but should still be taken seriously enough to address.


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