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OfflineMarkamello
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Registered: 04/13/20
Posts: 238
Last seen: 5 hours, 15 minutes
Re: How to get a personality or make friends? [Re: starpig] * 1
    #27933535 - 09/04/22 11:40 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

The writing is on the wall mate and we can all read between the lines.


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Offlinestarpig
Stranger
Registered: 07/09/21
Posts: 290
Last seen: 20 days, 2 hours
Re: How to get a personality or make friends? [Re: Markamello]
    #27933665 - 09/04/22 01:17 PM (1 year, 4 months ago)

This "we" sounds like just you mate.


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Offlinestarpig
Stranger
Registered: 07/09/21
Posts: 290
Last seen: 20 days, 2 hours
Re: How to get a personality or make friends? [Re: starpig] * 1
    #27935242 - 09/05/22 11:46 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

Ok, you know what screw this. I'm done being a briar patch to people.

It is too late to say this, given bridges I burned, but I'd rather do this now and see what come of this than allow this cycle to continue. If I can find the words.

I'm not gonna excuse my actions or what I said. I'm angry, angry and lonely and tired of the same thing each day. Of being alone every weekend, of never having anything I can talk or confide in, and further than that no one to hold. I'm so lonely that it burns sometimes inside my chest and it's all I can to fight to not off myself because some small part of me wants what is due, what I deserve, which I guess is happiness. Some greater part of me resists any attempt to be happy for reasons I have no idea about. And I guess seeing other people happy and well-adjusted burns so much that I want them to meet with harm just to kick them down. Thank God it never got past just thinking it.

It's been years since I've felt good things so I guess I have no idea what that life would look like for me. It's currently beyond my imagination, me being happy, impossible even. Cerebrally I know that's not true, but one has to believe it to be the case not just know it.

Couple that with my difficulty navigating life and I lash out at anyone to protect my ego. I have to always be right even when I'm wrong, because otherwise despair sinks in. I already don't get the world and what to do, the last thing I need is to toss the last vestige of control I have...being right.

I don't know how to fix it. I fight a lot a days, and win a few, but it's hard. It's so easy to go back, and the slightest failure when something new doesn't work out sends me spiraling. I've been reaching out to sources but they don't return my calls and my job has me working so much I don't have time to look into it.

I feel trapped, nowhere to go and no idea what I should do.

Obviously this doesn't make up for being shitty, and I'll accept that reality no matter how bitter it might taste, it's what I deserve. I just felt this needed to be said, for what it's worth.

I apologize for being a brat, to put it mildly.


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Offlineschpat
psychesomadelic
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Registered: 09/26/21
Posts: 1,039
Loc: South Africa
Last seen: 9 days, 5 hours
Re: How to get a personality or make friends? [Re: starpig] * 1
    #27936505 - 09/06/22 01:45 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

Quote:

starpig said:
Ok, you know what screw this. I'm done being a briar patch to people.

It is too late to say this, given bridges I burned, but I'd rather do this now and see what come of this than allow this cycle to continue. If I can find the words.

I'm not gonna excuse my actions or what I said. I'm angry, angry and lonely and tired of the same thing each day. Of being alone every weekend, of never having anything I can talk or confide in, and further than that no one to hold. I'm so lonely that it burns sometimes inside my chest and it's all I can to fight to not off myself because some small part of me wants what is due, what I deserve, which I guess is happiness. Some greater part of me resists any attempt to be happy for reasons I have no idea about. And I guess seeing other people happy and well-adjusted burns so much that I want them to meet with harm just to kick them down. Thank God it never got past just thinking it.

It's been years since I've felt good things so I guess I have no idea what that life would look like for me. It's currently beyond my imagination, me being happy, impossible even. Cerebrally I know that's not true, but one has to believe it to be the case not just know it.

Couple that with my difficulty navigating life and I lash out at anyone to protect my ego. I have to always be right even when I'm wrong, because otherwise despair sinks in. I already don't get the world and what to do, the last thing I need is to toss the last vestige of control I have...being right.

I don't know how to fix it. I fight a lot a days, and win a few, but it's hard. It's so easy to go back, and the slightest failure when something new doesn't work out sends me spiraling. I've been reaching out to sources but they don't return my calls and my job has me working so much I don't have time to look into it.

I feel trapped, nowhere to go and no idea what I should do.

Obviously this doesn't make up for being shitty, and I'll accept that reality no matter how bitter it might taste, it's what I deserve. I just felt this needed to be said, for what it's worth.

I apologize for being a brat, to put it mildly.




That must have been hard to say (no sarcasm intended, just making sure you know that because text can be hard to interpret).

Being wrong about stuff can be the best thing if you are open to it.  It gives you an opportunity to grow.  It's hard and humbling to accept it though, but when you do it can be the most liberating feeling.


--------------------


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Offlinestarpig
Stranger

Registered: 07/09/21
Posts: 290
Last seen: 20 days, 2 hours
Re: How to get a personality or make friends? [Re: schpat]
    #27936796 - 09/06/22 07:54 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

Intellectually I know that to be true. But internalizing it and believing it has been hard since for me being wrong has a massive emotion charge and reaction to it and I’ve done it so long it’s hard to stop now. I’m having minimal success but I do recognize that it does have to stop for my sake as well as others.


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