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Anonymous #1
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Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude
#27932719 - 09/03/22 07:38 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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I finished a PhD at the start of COVID. No one was hiring. I moved country to be with my now wife. I’ve been here over a year, a green card the last few months and I finally start a job this week. A day before the interview my wife has given me an ultimatum, get a job or get out. As if, not having a job was by choice. The job I start, however, is minimum wage.
Before I meet my wife I never really cared about money and status. She does. Before my PhD, I didn’t really care if I had a high paying job after, I wanted to learn. Now, my wife has made it clear that she wants a life in one of the most expensive cities in the world I just can’t be a part of. As much as I have tried, as much as I know I can do any job, I just can’t get a foot in the door anywhere.
Surprise surprise, I now feel like a fucking failure at everything I do. That failure now stretches into the one relationship I thought could survive. Don’t get me wrong, my wife has been supportive and amazing through this. She is just at her wits end. But, that ultimatum I can’t get past. I feel like the relationship is over. I understand her reasons, she has supported me whole and is exhausted. She sees her life going no where with me. I know this because I was one in her situation supporting someone for three years. But still.
How do I get past it? How do I see her with the same love I once did when now all I feel is hurt and useless. I have a job now, two actually, but from a PhD to minimum wage and no confidence I will ever get out, how do I help myself?
Edit to add that the real fucking problem is that I feel so useless. The old thoughts of the netherness have returned, not that they were gone for long, but the desire is with them again. Of course, this then makes it harder to get back to where I was and the spiral continues, deeper and darker with every turn.
Edited by Anonymous (09/05/22 12:48 AM)
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syncro
Registered: 01/14/15
Posts: 2,697
Last seen: 11 seconds
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: Anonymous #1]
#27933142 - 09/04/22 06:21 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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If you don't mind my asking, in what is your PhD?
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: syncro]
#27933471 - 09/04/22 10:57 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Sociocultural anthropology. One issue is that no one really knows what it is, the other, everyone loves statistics and numbers. Big data is changing the world and leaving the lives of people behind.
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WhoManBeing
PsychedelicYogi



Registered: 09/01/13
Posts: 3,773
Loc: Oregon
Last seen: 2 days, 21 hours
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: Anonymous #1]
#27933524 - 09/04/22 11:31 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Man, that PhD isn't applicable to any just one area of work. Sounds as my friend who got PhD in Quantum Physics String Theory. What you really going to do with that for work?
Hate to say, you got sold that over the top education that really doesn't seem as any better footing than a simple trade school could get ya.
Like a PhD in Medicine gets you work in medicine. Or the one study accounting becomes accountant.
Here some sound advice. Sell insurance. Health/life insurance. Commercial Real Estate Insurawnce. The friends hear that get into that speak of good money. Even sister's husband selling commercial real estate insurance owns two houses and bought Tesla cash. Those type works are easy entry level where one will need learn and excel to make better profits/income. And, one with a PhD, even though that in one of "what the...", really, should've thought about that one, I see all that shows is that you will take time to do lots of paper works.
Best of luck.
-------------------- Hip, hip... WhoRAy!!! Eye was thinking the other day... ahh, thinking never done me no good.
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WhoManBeing
PsychedelicYogi



Registered: 09/01/13
Posts: 3,773
Loc: Oregon
Last seen: 2 days, 21 hours
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: WhoManBeing]
#27933528 - 09/04/22 11:32 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Or go travel with National Geographic crew and give your two cents, maybe that will double in pay.
HarHar
-------------------- Hip, hip... WhoRAy!!! Eye was thinking the other day... ahh, thinking never done me no good.
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WhoManBeing
PsychedelicYogi



Registered: 09/01/13
Posts: 3,773
Loc: Oregon
Last seen: 2 days, 21 hours
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: WhoManBeing]
#27933538 - 09/04/22 11:40 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Best of luck to you.
There are roads to success.
-------------------- Hip, hip... WhoRAy!!! Eye was thinking the other day... ahh, thinking never done me no good.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: WhoManBeing]
#27933541 - 09/04/22 11:45 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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I knew going in it wasn’t a job with a qualification. As I said, that wasn’t why I went in. I was paid to do it and it was the best 3 and a half years of my life. Paid, albeit badly, to travel, talk to people, read, and write. It was awesome and I wouldn’t change it…at least I would not have until my life changed with the new wife. I went in single and after it finished I’m married.
I have a PhD that means nothing. A book I won’t make money on, and a new life that demands something I’ve never cared about (I used to work in a box factory after all). I’m just fucking lost and my marriage is falling apart because of it.
I had thought about real estate but after COVID there are a lot of new agents.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: WhoManBeing]
#27933543 - 09/04/22 11:45 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Cheers mate
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: Anonymous #1]
#27933587 - 09/04/22 12:25 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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I'm in a similar position to your wife.
I'd like to comment, but idk if I should.
If you want complete honesty. Let me know.
--------------------
  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: r3volution.gurl]
#27933592 - 09/04/22 12:29 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Please, honesty is what I hope for, even if it hurts.
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Northerner
splelling chceker


Registered: 07/29/12
Posts: 14,137
Loc: FNQ
Last seen: 7 hours, 18 minutes
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#27934854 - 09/05/22 06:32 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Just get a job. You're obviously smart. Just do it.
I'm on my 3rd serious career at 44. You can do it too.
Hit up places who need people who understand social sciences. Spend 6 hours a day actively looking for work and sell yourself like you are the latest reincarnation of the Dalai Lama. Send 50 CV's a day. Keep sending them to the same places you want to work. Pester them. Once you're in just tread water until you master it. Fake it until you make it.
I don't know if you've only ever studied... working is a different gig hey. Be prepared to do stuff you don't want to do, but hey, at least you get paid for it.
--------------------
The nearest we ever come to knowing truth is when we are witness to paradox.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: Northerner] 1
#27935038 - 09/05/22 09:08 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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That is exactly what I have been doing. I can’t tell you how many cover letters I’ve written, how many versions of my cv I have. I’ve been targeting certain roles and shotgunning the damn thing. I’d say about 20 applications a day for the last four mounts. I was more selective before.
I’m 39 and worked my arse off for most of it. The only time I had a break was during the PhD. I have two jobs now at minimum wage and it kills me. To stand next to 17 year olds starting their lives with their aspirations and hopes, just, hurts.
I came to this country knowing I likely wouldn’t get a high paying job. I believed I could start a new career at the bottom and work my way up. I was very wrong. It’s taken way too long to even get the jobs I have now.
I feel like a burden and there is no up from here.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: Anonymous #1]
#27935059 - 09/05/22 09:29 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Honestly having a phd and working a minimum wage job is the definition of failure. A failure of the education system indulging your desire to learn a subject that has no marketable use but also a failure of your own choices for not realizing as much.
Your wife has every right to at least expect a desire for success and a comfortable life which requires more than minimum wage.
Go back to your country.
Leave this poor woman you took advantage of to get a green card to try to get her life together with someone who shares her own values.
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anatomality
Nothern Counterpart



Registered: 05/31/20
Posts: 1,354
Loc: North East
Last seen: 2 days, 4 hours
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: Anonymous #2]
#27935089 - 09/05/22 09:47 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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No one owes you a job, regardless of education. The market decides what skills are worth money. No amount of disappointment from the wife changes this.
Start with the beginning, and your actions (work) should match your ambitions. If you want a lavish lifestyle in an expensive city, maybe the woman should look into making money too.
Start by getting a job, any job. Keep looking for jobs, opportunities and promotions.
I'd probably get rid of a woman like that.
-------------------- “The strength of a person's spirit would then be measured by how much 'truth' he could tolerate, or more precisely, to what extent he needs to have it diluted, disguised, sweetened, muted, falsified.”
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: anatomality]
#27935157 - 09/05/22 10:37 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Yeah, I didn’t marry for a green card. In every objective measure this country is a step down. I left my family and friends to come here because my wife didn’t want to leave her family, and snagged an incredible job.
Again, I wasn’t nt duped by an education system. I am smart enough to realize it is a piece of paper and nothing more. Having taught for some time in higher education, I know first hand it’s nothing but an incredible money making scheme.
It does, however, look like I’m taking advantage. That is how she feels at least. I know it isn’t, but words are pointless. One issue is my ego and societal ideas of success. I’ve taken a couple trips to work on it, but it’s only ever temporary as reality inevitably kicks me in the guts again and again.
You’re right anotomality, start from the beginning. I’ve travelled 20 years in time and I’m back where I started with more knowledge and smarts. I just don’t have the knees and time is running out, otherwise, it’s that dream right. What would you do if you could start all over knowing what you know now?
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#27935168 - 09/05/22 10:49 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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She just wants you to pull your own weight. She's not trying to make you feel worthless she's trying to avoid being in a situation where she will have resentment towards you because she will if things continued the way they were, I am going through nearly the exact same situation with my ex.
You need to stop thinking that she did this to hurt you, she's doing it to help you become who she knows you can be, because she feels her previous help didn't actually help you considering nothing has changed so far. She is trying her options to see what will finally work for not only you, but her as well.
When women make more money than their men, these problems practically always arise. Show her and tell her you have the motivation and ambition for something better.
You've got two jobs now. How has that changed for her?
I think it's unfair that you lost some love for her. She gave you the ultimatum out of love for you and herself which she really can't be blamed for. If she didn't love you or care about you, I think you wouldn't be there with her today.
My ex said the same thing, that I made him feel like a failure. Which was the exact opposite of what I was trying to do. Cut her some slack like she did for you for so long. You guys are a team, put yourself in her position. It's very common for men to take care of their women, but realistically, no one really wants to have to take care of anyone financially.
--------------------
  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
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anatomality
Nothern Counterpart



Registered: 05/31/20
Posts: 1,354
Loc: North East
Last seen: 2 days, 4 hours
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: r3volution.gurl]
#27935215 - 09/05/22 11:29 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Having taught for some time in higher education, I know first hand it’s nothing but an incredible money making scheme.
Why not go back and teach for a while? At least until you figure shit out. Probably a better gig than 2 jobs.
You'll need free time to find a better situation.
-------------------- “The strength of a person's spirit would then be measured by how much 'truth' he could tolerate, or more precisely, to what extent he needs to have it diluted, disguised, sweetened, muted, falsified.”
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: r3volution.gurl]
#27935273 - 09/05/22 12:02 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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This resonated. From what she had said, this seems accurate. You are right, I’m lucky to even still be in a relationship. It hurt because it’s clarification that she truly believes my lack of employment was a choice. I won’t go into all I have done and sacrificed, but without the result I can see how it seems pointless.
Thank you, this really helped.
I have contacted every university and community college here. I’ve applied for every job that has come up, and ones that don’t exist. My wife is in academia still and there is a serious two body problem there. At the moment, there is just no job for me in teaching (it would take two years of study to get into high school). I’ve applied for a few interstate positions and one international. But after spending 18 months apart due to the pandemic, I didn’t want to just leave again. I exhausted every opportunity here. I’m looking elsewhere, but it’s a shit industry in every way possible except for the salary and freedom. Well, the salary in social science isn’t amazing and not enough to live on a single income where we live. One of my wife’s friend had to leave because she was going into debt, and she didn’t even have those crazy student loans.
I’m working very hard on learning to trade. I’m not confident to drop too much money at the moment, but I see it as the only way to make the money I now want. No matter what people say, it is gambling. I have an obsessive personality and I don’t want to go down the rabbit hole. For clarification, I’ve only worked on this after all the job hunting is done for the day and it has never been my true focus. I see it as a side hustle that will hopefully support whatever income I make. Wage for bills, trading for life
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: Anonymous #1]
#27935350 - 09/05/22 01:05 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Whatever you do, just don't give up. Keep exhausting those options. You got this, something's gotta give eventually, hopefully sooner than later. Despite how she might make you feel or what she says that might hurt you just remember what she really thinks of you ok? Actions always speak louder than words.
Help a little more around the house if you can(I'm not sure whether you already do or not).
--------------------
  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
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anatomality
Nothern Counterpart



Registered: 05/31/20
Posts: 1,354
Loc: North East
Last seen: 2 days, 4 hours
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: r3volution.gurl]
#27935378 - 09/05/22 01:19 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
But after spending 18 months apart due to the pandemic
If you haven't seen her in two years, this whole ship maybe had sunk a while ago. I'm sorry friend. Better to let this go now maybe...
Rev girl has some good feminine perspective here, pay attention.
-------------------- “The strength of a person's spirit would then be measured by how much 'truth' he could tolerate, or more precisely, to what extent he needs to have it diluted, disguised, sweetened, muted, falsified.”
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: anatomality]
#27935398 - 09/05/22 01:30 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Thanks guys, you’ve really helped. I wasn’t expecting this. It’s the two fold of a failing relationship and a failing life that has hit really hard.
I’ve been trying so hard around the house like you wouldn’t believe, but it’s never enough.
The time apart was hard, and I think it definitely made being together again difficult. With the lockdowns everywhere just seeing friends and family was difficult. I don’t think I’ve ever recovered and in a new country knowing no one, isolation kicked in.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I really shouldn’t drag this thread on longer. You are all awesome and I hope to see you out there in the ether
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: Anonymous #1]
#27935444 - 09/05/22 01:56 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
anon1 said
It does, however, look like I’m taking advantage. That is how she feels at least. I know it isn’t, but words are pointless.
Yeah words are pointless when the actions speak louder. You can't say it isn't if she feels it is and the world around you sees that it is as well, pretty clear cut case of you being in denial.
Quote:
In every objective measure this country is a step down.
Go home then
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WhoManBeing
PsychedelicYogi



Registered: 09/01/13
Posts: 3,773
Loc: Oregon
Last seen: 2 days, 21 hours
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: Anonymous #2]
#27937123 - 09/06/22 11:54 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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On flip side.
Hi5! for all the work to PhD! I am sure you could find something out there where that is of value to ongoing work. I like to think there something out there when go looking for it, just need really keep sharp eye on what looking for. AS a eagle looks for prey over the land.
What is it called when work along someone for no pay as a possible work to be had if boss likes you?
That maybe something to get doing, for seems as that field of work...
Hey, check this one out. iapwe.org it's some writing thing that can make money doing articles for. Some seemed easy enough and other seemed as difficult. For you field of studies, I think all of what offers be a breeze and ease, and pay out well. Check it out! Like to know what you think and if worked for you.
Ride the wings of the heart and enjoy the flight, everything be alright.
-------------------- Hip, hip... WhoRAy!!! Eye was thinking the other day... ahh, thinking never done me no good.
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badchad
Mad Scientist

Registered: 03/02/05
Posts: 13,372
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: Anonymous #1]
#27941458 - 09/09/22 04:52 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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In the broadest sense, marriage/relationships are two people making a go through life. From that perspective, a job is kind of a necessity. Part of the journey of marriage is figuring out "how" you want to live your life. What is it that you value? Some people want lots of money, others want to travel, some want kids etc. etc.
Shit happens. A minimum wage job may be a bump in the road and temporary. However, you and your wife need to figure out if you're on the same page in life.
As an aside, its depressing your PhD advisor didn't help you secure a job. Even a postdoctoral fellowship should pay more than minimum wage.
-------------------- ...the whole experience is (and is as) a profound piece of knowledge. It is an indellible experience; it is forever known. I have known myself in a way I doubt I would have ever occurred except as it did. Smith, P. Bull. Menninger Clinic (1959) 23:20-27; p. 27. ...most subjects find the experience valuable, some find it frightening, and many say that is it uniquely lovely. Osmond, H. Annals, NY Acad Science (1957) 66:418-434; p.436
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Anonymous #3
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Re: Ideas on a breaking marriage due to ineptitude [Re: badchad]
#27952776 - 09/16/22 12:21 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Time to look into alternative ways of making money...
Trade crypto or stocks.. start an online business.. do affiliate marketing.. sell shroom grow supplies.. something..
Of course that will take hard work and a strong business plan, but what doesn't take hard work.
Or you can start praying to a higher power to help you find a job against all odds, and redouble your efforts.
Or accept that your marriage is doomed.
Your call.
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