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jpwalker
Pilgrim


Registered: 06/27/22
Posts: 2
Last seen: 9 months, 1 day
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long term solutions/fading benefits
#27841563 - 06/28/22 10:28 PM (1 year, 6 months ago) |
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First off I'm sorry this is such a long post but I couldn't really condense it any more without feeling like I was losing important details. And second I'm really not great at describing psychedelic experiences but I'll try my best.
So a little backstory first, I've been struggling with depression stress and anxieties for a long time now. it's gotten to the point where I've pretty much just felt numb for years now, at least when I'm not in panic mode anyway. It's gotten a bit better over the last year thanks to some changes in my life and some help from family, but Its still nowhere near gone. But yesterday, I felt normal for the first time in probably 12 years.
So I tried shrooms for the first time back in march. I took about 2 grams and the trip started off a little rocky, I actually passed out a couple times. But after a couple hours and I was alone and in a better environment I started having a pretty good time and overall I really enjoyed the experience. Tripped a few times since then with no real hiccups, until about a week ago, I decided to try a bigger dose. Did about 5 grams of penis envies and had my first "bad trip". I hesitate to call it a bad trip because I still think of it as an overall positive (if still terrifying) experience. Either way it didn't have any real lasting after effects. But this last trip was different.
I did about 3 or 4 grams of penis envies again and the trip started off pretty similar to the one before. But some where along the way things got different somehow. I couldn't recognize anything around me and I basically forgot how to breath. I had to figure out how to use my lungs again and had to keep breathing manually for a good while. It was terrifying at first but after a while I kind of got used to it and it started to feel good. Like every breath wasn't just this subconscious process but a very deliberate and satisfying action to keep myself alive. While I was focusing on breathing my mind was racing through this existential chrisis. I was forced to think about my actions and motivations up to that point and really break down what it was I wanted to be alive for. I'm never going to explain it any better than that but it was such a big thing for me at the time. Anyway when I finally started coming down my head felt clearer and clearer and I felt like I was finally excited to be alive. It was like a fog that had been there for years finally lifted and I wasn't weighed down by fear and doubt. I wasn't even high at this point and i didn't feel like I was "under the influence" of anything. The only way I know how to describe it is that it felt like I was finally "back" after disassociating for so long. I thought I could finally be normal and I was so excited to just go out and live life and talk to people and even go to work. I new it wouldn't be that easy, that I still had a lot of work to do to put my life together but I felt like I could finally start in that direction. The problem is that the feeling started to fade. It was like waking up from a dream that felt so real, but it happened over the course of about 3 hours. By that time the fog was back and I just felt the same way I always have. I was so disappointed and I almost panicked trying to hold on to that feeling but there was nothing I could do. I got so angry and depressed at the thought of having to go back to the way things were, especially because I can still remember the trip and everything I went through so well. I just couldn't understand why I couldn't hold on to the newfound optimism and resolve I had found and I got so frustrated with myself.
So ultimately my question is this, was that feeling real or just a lingering after effect of the mushrooms? And if there was really anything to it, is there anyway I can get back to it and maintain it indefinitely without the use of shrooms? I was just so happy to feel normal again but now I just feel more lost than ever. I want to make it clear that I don't really view mushrooms or psychedelics in general as some kind of miracle cure for depression, but the "normalcy" I felt was so real I just feel like there has to be a way to get back there. I'd really appreciate any thoughts or suggestions you might have. And if you read this far I just want to thank you for putting up with this ridiculously long winded post.
Edited by jpwalker (06/29/22 05:52 PM)
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jack_straw2208
Doctor



Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 3,115
Loc: Earth
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Re: long term solutions/fading benefits [Re: jpwalker]
#27841577 - 06/28/22 10:39 PM (1 year, 6 months ago) |
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Can you edit that into paragraphs?
-------------------- If you can’t tell what you desperately need, it’s probably sleep.
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high_desert
Pipe and Paper Afternoon



Registered: 10/25/16
Posts: 319
Loc: Hidden Study
Last seen: 11 months, 5 days
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Re: long term solutions/fading benefits [Re: jpwalker]
#27841710 - 06/29/22 12:24 AM (1 year, 6 months ago) |
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It's been one of my greatest lifelong efforts to hold on to and reproduce the myriad of mental states I've encountered with tryptamines. I've finally had some success at this by working on focus and concentration..and I mean really focusing.. Building up that skill like a muscle. Maybe try remembering exactly what you were feeling and concentrating on it in a way that kind of wears you out a little. You may also try continuously making an effort to bring your thought process or state of consciousness.. This is sort of a different kind of effort, less intense but more sustained.
-------------------- Great threads for first grows and beyond⬇️ PF Tek Quick Coir/Verm Substrate PF Cakes as Spawn Fahtlocks!(Ziplock tek) Shoeboxes What senses do we lack that we cannot see or hear another world all around us?
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jpwalker
Pilgrim


Registered: 06/27/22
Posts: 2
Last seen: 9 months, 1 day
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Re: long term solutions/fading benefits [Re: high_desert]
#27842711 - 06/29/22 05:39 PM (1 year, 6 months ago) |
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I'm definitely going to try and start some kind of daily routine to practice that. Really appreciate the advice man. I'm sure it's going to be a challenge but if I can get back even a fraction of that feeling I'd be ecstatic.
Quote:
jack_straw2208 said: Can you edit that into paragraphs?
Yeah ill try to edit when I get a chance
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nooneman


Registered: 04/24/09
Posts: 14,555
Loc: Utah
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Re: long term solutions/fading benefits [Re: jpwalker]
#27842722 - 06/29/22 05:49 PM (1 year, 6 months ago) |
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Nothing lasts forever. Even those brief moments of insight can help you in your life. Imagine if you never had access to moments like those. Although you might not be able to feel like that 24/7, you'll always have the memory of that experience, and nothing can take away from you how you felt then. You can use it to remind yourself what you're living for. As long as you remember how it felt and what you thought, you can revive a little part of it every time you remember it. Your life right now is not fundamentally different than it was when you were optimistic, the difference was just how you felt about it.
Psychedelics have an effect that is somewhat random. Sometimes you won't feel better at all, other times you might feel better just during the experience, sometimes it can last a year. You can roll the dice again, but it doesn't guarantee a better outcome. Instead, I would recommend trying to reflect on your experience. Remember it, remember how you felt, remember what you thought about, remember the conclusions you came to. Try to improve your life just like you thought about doing under the influence. Try to keep that feeling alive, even if you feel like it's gone.
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