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InvisibleCreonAntigone
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Registered: 05/30/21
Posts: 2,875
I want a relationship, but I check all the wrong boxes
    #27833505 - 06/23/22 07:14 PM (1 year, 7 months ago)

I've never really had a very successful relationship. That may not come as a surprise to many of you considering what I've posted about. I'm 27. I dp have a few things going for me in life. My career has had some rocky parts, but it's going strong now. I'm very proud of what I do. I like to think I'm intelligent, but too obsessed with narrow topics. I'm trying to come out of my shell. I try to be kind to those who are kind to me.

Mostly I have traits that make it hard for me to have relationships. I had a few people interested in me in highschool and college, but I shunned all romance because I was repressing that I'm trans. I started a transition less than 2 years ago, and am still in the awkward phase, and I still barely present at all like I want to. I still get 'sir' and whatnot. I'm more feminine, but I still just look like a feminine dude. I want someone to see me as a woman, but if I'm not there yet, it is hard for me to set anything up.

And I've struggled with many things, mostly due to my antisocial behavior, my suspiciousness, my struggles at reading signals and making commitments. I dealt with trauma too, as I posted about elsewhere, but that was really just the tip of the iceburg. I think it has more to do with my fundamental personality. I've just never been comfortable around people, so I can't let people in.

Basically, I am always weird and strange. All the techniques which work for others don't really work for me. I've used the dating apps before - I've chatted with dozens and dozens on the apps and it never leads to a date. All the conversation is too superficial, and it seems too focused on first impressions.

The best bet I've had is to try to find people who share common interests, hobby groups and what not - of course it'd be hard, though not impossible, for me to reach out and start a romance at those things, but at least I'd have my foot in the door.

Since my transness and social awkwardness kept me from meaningful relationships until now, it feels like I missed the chance to learn the lessons and have the heartbreaks that I would've needed to be whole. And now on the dating scene it feels like I'm playing without a full deck, and everyone else is coming at this with a background of many successful dating experiences and relationships. So how do I 'catch up'? It isn't fair for me, someone so inexperienced, to date someone who knows what they want. But if I only date others who are just as awkward as me, I'll never learn. It feels like my lack of meaningful experiences up to now closes me off from all the best options.


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OfflineBlue Cthulhu
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Re: I want a relationship, but I check all the wrong boxes [Re: CreonAntigone]
    #27833646 - 06/23/22 08:33 PM (1 year, 7 months ago)

I didn't have a serious relationship until I was 28, and had my first heartbreak at 29. Don't worry, there are plenty of people both experienced and inexperienced who would potentially date you.


--------------------
"Things are true that I forget, but no one taught that to me yet." :aliendance:
A disembodied-re-embodied consciousness be-ing
(With all the accoutrements.)


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OfflineAldous
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Re: I want a relationship, but I check all the wrong boxes [Re: CreonAntigone] * 1
    #27833931 - 06/24/22 04:14 AM (1 year, 7 months ago)

Not sure this could help, but you never know: is there any chance you might be on the autism spectrum?

Just my hunch off a few things you wrote: intelligent but obsessed with narrow topics, socially awkward, struggling to read signals, uneasy with superficial convo, etc.

It may be worth it to look into that, so you can understand yourself better and act on that. ASD is a label which can be useful and with which there's no need to fully identify, just like any other label. But if it turns out you have it, it may allow you to better understand what goes wrong in your interpersonal relationships and maybe find a way around that. Seeking a diagnosis is also seeking help to lead a better life despite your peculiarities.


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InvisibleCreonAntigone
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Registered: 05/30/21
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Re: I want a relationship, but I check all the wrong boxes [Re: Aldous]
    #27853603 - 07/07/22 01:18 PM (1 year, 6 months ago)

Well, I have a date... and we've been hitting it off really well. And it feels much different than the last times, because he's assured me he really wants to be with me.

I am prone to catastrophize, but I'm gonna be hopeful about this one.

Quote:

Aldous said:
Not sure this could help, but you never know: is there any chance you might be on the autism spectrum?

Just my hunch off a few things you wrote: intelligent but obsessed with narrow topics, socially awkward, struggling to read signals, uneasy with superficial convo, etc.

It may be worth it to look into that, so you can understand yourself better and act on that. ASD is a label which can be useful and with which there's no need to fully identify, just like any other label. But if it turns out you have it, it may allow you to better understand what goes wrong in your interpersonal relationships and maybe find a way around that. Seeking a diagnosis is also seeking help to lead a better life despite your peculiarities.




Yes there is truth to that, but I don't think what I need is another diagnosis. They've been throwing diagnoses at me since I was a youth, giving me amphetamines because they said I was ADHD, SSRIs because they said I was OCD, etc. I do possess traits that people say are 'autism spectrum', but I just feel the term is very pointless.

Many of the earliest treatments for autism bordered on torture, forcing people to behave 'normal'. The term is extremely vague, and it seems like people are shying away from even using it these days. It has a history of being used for completely misunderstanding of the condition. The organization 'Autism speaks' still treats it like a curable disease, with behavioral correction (eg being forced to be normal) as the lead suggestion.

I much prefer the term 'divergence'. And I much prefer to listen to people like Greta Thunberg, who say their divergence helps them. I want to cultivate my traits that are unique, and use them to work with the parts of me that are lacking. I am sure I need help with that, but I really don't think another diagnosis is the help I need. The best improvements of my life came from meditation. I'd prefer to seek a teacher of meditation, rather than another person to give me an alphabet soup mental condition to add to the collection of mention conditions doctors have suggested I have.

Sorry for bluntness. You meant well in your suggestion, but I have been fed up with the disasterous consequences that medical diagnosis can have, and in many cases it just isn't good. A person who is labelled autistic from youth can be seen by peers and counsellors as having such big gaps that they can't improve them, and sometimes they are given up on; worse, they are forced into treatments that aren't actually good for them at all.

I still need help from a counsellor who understand me. I don't think a doctor that studies autism would be that counsellor. Maybe for some people it is what they need, but I don't think so for me. I will have to find that teacher of meditation; or really, just anyone who knows how to be calm in the face of the difficulties of the world.


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OfflineAldous
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Re: I want a relationship, but I check all the wrong boxes [Re: CreonAntigone] * 1
    #27857575 - 07/10/22 04:14 PM (1 year, 6 months ago)

Oh sure, I hear you, no need to apologize. If you have been overly labeled, I can totally see how you need to move away from that. And meditation will only do good, and I suppose if you post here, you've found psychedelics can help too. Do not try to change or let anyone change you, just find your way to live in harmony with yourself and others. And good luck with that date :heart:


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InvisibleRezearch
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Loc: Midwest
Re: I want a relationship, but I check all the wrong boxes [Re: CreonAntigone]
    #28040173 - 11/08/22 12:41 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)

I definitely understand this. I was late diagnosed (30) as ‘autistic’ and Im definitely an  ‘Aspie’ as the best literal description of my own personality and traits, however like you said, it’s hard to identify as anything nowadays without feeling overwhelmed.

I experience constant ‘mood swings’ but it’s my passionate personality reacting to external stimuli that aren’t always dependent on my ‘mood’.

I definitely struggle with my own identify and gender issues and hoping to find clarity, while also realizing the imbalances that are there to find out what’s truly ME vs what is what I think is me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m carrying around a suitcase I didn’t pack, and just need to shake it all out and put back in what I want, vs replacing or throwing away what I really don’t need.

Hope that makes sense, would like to hear your experiences and maybe where you’re getting your creams if you want to PM.


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InvisibleDouble
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Re: I want a relationship, but I check all the wrong boxes [Re: CreonAntigone]
    #28041608 - 11/09/22 06:57 AM (1 year, 2 months ago)

Hey CreonAntigone, good to have you here.

As an hetero man, trans women are not my preference. However, i think sooner than later, your community will have a greater chance at dating more conventionally.

My argument is as follows, trans women mean less men and more women, which i believe is good. Not only that, but women with the brain of a man which is even better.

A lot of times, i enjoy having convo more with my gay friends than my straight friends because we can talk about interesting guy stuff but they are less violent than the average hetero men

There is someone out there that likes you for you, regardless of the stage of transitioning that you are currently going through, but i also understand you wanting to be more feminine to accomplish this since thats what you really desire,


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InvisibleCreonAntigone
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Registered: 05/30/21
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Re: I want a relationship, but I check all the wrong boxes [Re: Rezearch]
    #28042494 - 11/09/22 05:27 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)

I was talking to someone all summer, at least since I made that post talking about my date. And it just ended recently. They stopped talking to me nearly as much, I only heard from him once every 4-5 days and it was usually superficial, and I wasn't able to schedule anything with him in person. hadn't seen each other in person in over a month at that point. He told me he was going through some kind of 'crisis' but that he still couldn't talk about. So I just broke it off and said this infrequency of contact really wasn't enough to have a relationship.

I am conflicted. It really never developed into anything truly, and I feel it ended over something I had no control over. I had a suspicion that he was just using some kind of personal crisis as an excuse to cut off contact, but I kind of don't think that's true - I think he struggles to communicate. For reference, he was polyamorous and I was his second partner, and I'm sure that factored in; I was never totally on board with being a second partner and I thought it was unfair that he's regularly seeing one partner but I didn't get any consideration. So I broke it off.

But I am back to square one now, having felt more or less like I gained nothing, not even much experience at all, but that's life.

Ultimately there was a lot about this relationship that I just wasn't about, and the polyamory was the main thing, so I have learned at least what I want and need, and that this wasn't it.

Quote:

Rezearch said:
Hope that makes sense, would like to hear your experiences and maybe where you’re getting your creams if you want to PM.




What do you mean creams? I use topicals sometimes, but I home-make those.


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Offlinekoods
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Re: I want a relationship, but I check all the wrong boxes [Re: CreonAntigone]
    #28042833 - 11/09/22 09:03 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)

Quote:

My argument is as follows, trans women mean less men and more women, which i believe is good. Not only that, but women with the brain of a man which is even better.





Lol holy fuck


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InvisibleCreonAntigone
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Re: I want a relationship, but I check all the wrong boxes [Re: koods]
    #28042893 - 11/09/22 09:40 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)

Quote:

koods said:
Quote:

My argument is as follows, trans women mean less men and more women, which i believe is good. Not only that, but women with the brain of a man which is even better.





Lol holy fuck




We'd better start worrying about trans men, since they 'reduce the number of women'.

In all seriousness, that doesn't actually make sense because trans people don't conceive themselves as switching their gender, they are living the gender they've always felt. And not accepting them doesn't change the gender they are, or alter the ratio of one gender to another in any respect.


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InvisibleDouble
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Re: I want a relationship, but I check all the wrong boxes [Re: koods]
    #28043166 - 11/10/22 04:58 AM (1 year, 2 months ago)

Okay this stuff has many layers, i'm learning


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OfflineKryptos
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Re: I want a relationship, but I check all the wrong boxes [Re: Double]
    #28046032 - 11/11/22 08:17 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)

I mean...shittiness and morality aside...less of one gender does give that gender an advantage when it comes to dating...

Recently hooked up with a Russian girl, and she straight up said that Russian men (in Russia) are now expecting women to be hot, good in bed, and successful. Because the gender balance is tipped so far towards women, especially now with the war. There aren't enough men to go around, which is partly why she's in the US.


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InvisibleCreonAntigone
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Re: I want a relationship, but I check all the wrong boxes [Re: Kryptos]
    #28046555 - 11/12/22 07:27 AM (1 year, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Kryptos said:
I mean...shittiness and morality aside...less of one gender does give that gender an advantage when it comes to dating...

Recently hooked up with a Russian girl, and she straight up said that Russian men (in Russia) are now expecting women to be hot, good in bed, and successful. Because the gender balance is tipped so far towards women, especially now with the war. There aren't enough men to go around, which is partly why she's in the US.




China today has the opposite problem: due to the 'one child policy' and the fact that female children were often abandoned for adoption or even aborted or killed, a higher proportion of Chinese young adults are male. There are some villages which are so-called 'bachelor' villages, where the one-child policy's effects were so strong that there are groups of men with no options at all, just growing old alone. I assume in big cities, there is enough migration to mitigate this.


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Invisibleloladoreen
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Re: I want a relationship, but I check all the wrong boxes [Re: CreonAntigone]
    #28105777 - 12/20/22 10:04 AM (1 year, 1 month ago)

I think it sounds like you are making positive steps towards finding a relationship.
I related to a lot of your post. Different circumstances but same feelings.
Stay true to yourself and challenge yourself. Address your trauma.
You sound like a wonderful person and you are making great positive strides. Be proud of how far you have come.


--------------------
“One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.”


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