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Anonymous #1

Was I sexually abused as a child/ molested as a baby? Please help
    #27830773 - 06/21/22 08:00 PM (1 month, 19 days ago)

I finally got the idea that posting anonymously might be the only way I can start confronting this baggage is anonymously. I literally cannot say these words verbally and I have tried for decades even if the person I'm telling is someone I've known for a very long time on such an intimate basis that they know everything else about me and vice versa. Even this was not a possible topic I was going to run by my therapist.

So my dad is creepy. And not only have his actions made people think he was coming off as a pedophile, he groomed a teenager on an online video game that the best way to combat her boring small town and "annoying stupid family" was to collect her essential belongings on her birthday, go to high school like normal, and then let him kidnap her drive her across the state back to his home, and marry her on the same day she legally reached the age of consent.

So I don't know I really wish I could discuss this with someone and I hope I find some help here. If you want to make jokes because you are a deranged 4channer go right ahead I wont be offended. I've had people that were supposed to love and care for me say much worse I promise you, even abandon me so I wouldn't embarrass them infront of their second wife who was unaware he had any kids let alone several. That one was an adult, very pleasent, but unfortunately died of a supposed diabetic stroke in his care. Maybe. But I don't blame her family for wanting to kill him because they suspect him of murder. To tell you the truth I'm on their side and would him to show proof beyond him telling the emts what happened and no further investigation leading directly to her being buried.

So anyways I guess the creepy shit I can remember was all the kind of shit that would have plausible deniability but not really. He would often lay his head on my butt as a pillow. He was a constant precense in the bathroom and insisted on wiping me until I was 12. He also insisted on showering with me until the same time. One time he walked up and kept spitting all over me (I knew then those weren't sneezes but I didn't understand why he would lie about that and why someone would be really really looking forward to showering with their son) and said it's okay we just needed to take a shower together right now to clean up) Kinda funny he insisted I stop coming over shortly after that, really just abandoning me especially since his second wife found out he had many children and wasn't just a cool Bruce Willis chillin' after his wife lied about spousal and constant child abuse simply to steal all of his belongings and grow rich on child support despite still being very poor and working two jobs to make it work for all of us. That was just for show right dad? Fuck you you piece of worthless dog shit.

He changed me, underwear and all, while I was sleeping for church once. When we were watching anything he loved for me lay on his lap wearing only shorts where he would pet me for hours. The only thing I can remember that was overtly sexual was he was laying next to me pretending to sleep which I could easily tell at the time and he basically stong armed me and jammed his fingers between my legs, just missing my asshole, but over my shorts. Then he opened his eyes and said sorry he was dreaming and didn't know what he was doing. At the time I concluded that he must have really been sleeping but had a sex dream about my mom.

So that's pretty bad right? I know it looks bad but I can't really bring myself to abuse support group forums because I feel like my stories are so minor compared to theirs. This isn't all though and I think he touched me as a baby thinking he would be in the clear because those memories would "erase". These are mostly in the form of dreams or blips though but they are cemented in my head and I know I am remembering them accurately as opposed to the most of my childhood which I can't remember.

In many of my earliest dreams I would be chased from a monster, coming from my parents bedrooms and the solution was to pull down my diaper, bend over, and show them my butt when it caught up which is when I woke up every time.

I remember playing with barbies and I immediately took their clothes off and made one female watch in fear, while a "daddy" raped his daughter. I had the same dream multiple times. I heard people often substitute something in a trumatic memory to make it less real, so if that was supposed to be me that would explain it but why would I have this impression if it wasn't? I was three at the oldest.

I thought about sex often and wanted to be molested by a stranger as early as I could remember. I fantasized about sucking cock but when it came to girls I didn't really have any realistic imagery about them in my dreams or anything,

I remember seeing in a dream an out of body view of myself sitting on my pet monster's chest and it was sucking my cock. I was 3 or 4 at the oldest

Also I remember eating some pistatchios when I was probably 3/4 and thinking "MMMMMmmm!!! Tastes kind of like penis" and as an avid cocksucker I find the assessment to be a very valid one because yes they do share some notes and they are both very enjoyable. I know for a fact this memory is real because I almost said it out loud but realized that it would make me look gay and someone spent many years indoctrinating us that gay people needed to be sent to an island and nuked because they were evil and raped children. Them and people with down syndrome needed to be mass genocided according to I'm sure you can guess who. Isn't it tiring how on the nose the hypocrisy is every single fucking time?

So what say you guys? Am I reading too much in those dreams? This is the first time I've revealed any of this to a single soul, or even anywhere on the internet and you know what I feel kind of good like I literally lifted something off of my chest for the very first time. Do you think I should try to receive counselling on this or is it really nothing? This unexpected feeling of great releif is kind of encouraging.

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Anonymous #2

Re: Was I sexually abused as a child/ molested as a baby? Please help [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #27830779 - 06/21/22 08:15 PM (1 month, 19 days ago)

I would very much recommend looking for professional help, and cut all contact with him if you haven't.

All of the red flags are there, especially in regards as to how children internalize/rationalize this.

I don't know what to say, besides I really hope you are ok. No matter what actually happened, you are a person who is worthy of love. <3

Remember that also your trauma does not need to define you.

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Anonymous #1

Re: Was I sexually abused as a child/ molested as a baby? Please help [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #27830807 - 06/21/22 08:36 PM (1 month, 19 days ago)

Thank you so much kind person. I have cut contact with him but the unfortunate thing is... I have a little sister from his second marriage so any of my attempts to "visit HIM" where only a veiled attempt to talk to the unfortunate sweet girl. We've contacted CPS. Done multiple things. The second to last time we heard from her the guidance counseler arranged a meeting with my older sister to tell her that she was so depressed and mentally in a bad place that it would be best for her to spend the entire summer at my older sister's where she could "rest" and enjoy her family's company rather than spending 100% of her time in an apartment with a sick fuck who didn't let us have friends or do anything but go to and come right back from work if they had a job.

I cry for her often. I know I'm a fucking failure but I know even if I got into the main building somehow he wont let me in his apartment and would call the cops if I insisted on knocking. The last time we heard from her, she snuck away to call my sister b/c she found her number in the house somehow and told her that she misses us so much and she's so depressed and doesn't understand why we don't love her anymore. You see instead of telling her that he cut off all contact with us he said that we got bored of her and didn't think she was cool and wanted nothing to do with her. Nothing could be further from the truth. God dammit he's such a sick dark & demented fucking asshole. I thought about finding out what high school she went to and telling the principal I needed to see her but I don't know why I didn't just because I thought they might not believe me and that I was trying to shoot up the school or something.

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Anonymous #2

Re: Was I sexually abused as a child/ molested as a baby? Please help [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27830828 - 06/21/22 08:48 PM (1 month, 19 days ago)

Full disclosure, and you might not like the answer to this:

No matter how hard it is, you MUST remove her from his grasp.

If there is ONE thing from your abuse that could be spinned into a positive, it would be the ability to stop her from suffering at his hands.

What is the worst case scenario of him calling the cops on you? When cops arrive, could you not be like

Officer, this man abused me and I worry for my sister?

I know, fuck cops, BUT in this scenario maybe it could be the way to go, there has to be something here. I wouldn't write out the possibility of a private detective? I am not sure.

You should try to go to some sort of Abuse Survivor Group, like an AA. They might have better resources, knowledge, or ideas as how to do this.

I don't even know that my advice is good, legal or sane.

What about the mom from his second marriage? Have neighbors heard anything?

Is spray painting I AM A PEDOPHILE FUCK ABUSING MY DAUGHTER in his house a viable way to get attention to this? I don't know.

I'd also recommend a lawyer if possible. If not, at least some sort of Organization based around supporting abuse victims.

I feel for you, and I truly hope that there is some sort of happy ending here.

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Anonymous #1

Re: Was I sexually abused as a child/ molested as a baby? Please help [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #27830897 - 06/21/22 09:36 PM (1 month, 19 days ago)

You are right but so far the police/cps have been disinterested. No neighbors or people know anything and I already know that because no one that lives under him are allowed to have friends or talk to anybody. Yeah. Probably because any information that comes out from anyone close to him will be terrible. I had very limited visitation with my step mother and I really regret not standing up to him no matter if it was making a scene. There was a day, one of the three times I was allowed to visit, where I came over and she was in the bedroom draped in a blanket just sitting there.

I asked her what was wrong and she said she was depressed and after like literally just 30-40 seconds of being alone with her he started screaming "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING BACK THERE YOU BOTH NEED TO COME UP FRONT RIGHT NOW DAMMIT". I wanted so bad to tell her no matter what I was on her side and would fight for my life to support her and my new little sister in her new life here in America whether he was in the picture or not because he had been abusive in the past and if I understood if she was having any problems with him. But I was just a scared, sad teenager and listened to him at the time.

To paint even more of a dark picture this was my bed ridden late brother's first serious girlfriend ever since he couldn't go anywhere and he was always getting tumors removed and recovering in the hospital (agent orange causes his neurofibromatosis 2. A very cruel and painful disease that is 100% terminal from birth). So he was talking to her and chatting her up in the video game Phantasy Star Online until my dad realized I don't know women still exist I guess? I really don't know. Anyway after awhile her family and us were friends but he insisted that I was my brother's son instead and he was just an uncle and told me to remember that. Like a week later he said it was "too much work" for my brother to come over ever again for the one and only reason- to steal his girlfriend. I don't think we had a dreamcast at my mom's and he wanted to get him out of the picture. Motherfucker didn't even come to his funeral a couple years later. He never gave a fuck about any of us whatsoever if anything has become crystal clear over the years it is that.

I think I'm going to take my husband's idea that he pitched to me before he got too sick and passed away. We were ready to go do it but he literally was in too much pain to avoid the hospital where he passed away a month later so it never happened. They don't live very far from me and I know exactly where he lives. My husband said we should show up at night and knock on her bedroom window and put a note against it trying to establish that we love and miss and worry about her and that he was lying and that should could contact us at this number and we are here for her tooth and nail. And that if she wants to leave she's at the legal age to do so no matter what he says and he can't do anything about it. He should know I mean he literally used those facts to gain a child wife. So my sister has the capability to take her in and is willing to do so. Even if he isn't touching her he is terrible for one, he isn't preparing her for any part of life as a normal person and she's going to be so fucked when he croaks if we don't intervene when it comes to managing life, and the whole hermit thing has got to be horrific. At least from my childhood I had other family, and the rest of the world during the week. She has nothing and nobody he even stopped accepting the care packages from Japan because they are reasonably furious that she suddenly died, probably tried to imply she was unhappy if she was able to, and that he just wants everyone to move on and at most cry for him because he's always to victim in everything. All of us are always out to get him and if that's true now well it's his own fucking actions creating reality from the paranoid delusions and narcisssm.

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Anonymous #2

Re: Was I sexually abused as a child/ molested as a baby? Please help [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27831336 - 06/22/22 08:50 AM (1 month, 19 days ago)

Sounds like a plan, best of luck. Does she speak a language that he does not?

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Re: Was I sexually abused as a child/ molested as a baby? Please help [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #27831498 - 06/22/22 11:43 AM (1 month, 18 days ago)

I suffered several kinds of abuse growing up, at the hands of a group of victimizers.

I can tell you without any doubt that what you describe, if thats what happened then this absolutely points to an abuser. It is completely inappropriate behavior and you are right in assuming that it probably had an erotic charge for him.

You are in evidence that your father forces inappropriate behaviors on children.

Your dreams and unusual early sexual fantasies are suggestive that there might have been all out sexual abuse which you repressed, It likely was so intensely bad that you shut it out of your memory and that your father decided to not go that far with you again.

As one abuse survivor to another, I implore you to do everything you can so that the girl is safe.

Perverts get more extreme as they age. People get more casual about doing wrong when it has gone on successfully for longer.

There is the likelihood that he's being inappropriate with her with some regularity, but it might also be the case that he goes much further with her, and thart she is caving and thatr he therefore carries on.

While you may forgive him what he did to you, that is your right as the victim, you cannot stand for him carrying on with your sister.

If I were you i would ramp up briefly by telling what he did to many relatives, aunts and uncles included and let them help persuade you to go to the police to report whatr he did to you and how worried sick you are about your lil sister. In this way you create an avalanche of family on thre right side ofg things that will each take their actions even if you for understandable reasopns chicken out.

This MUST stop, and fast.

For her, 100%, but also for you, because imagine if years later she can tell what happened and you knew you could have stopped it but didnt.

I forgive you, we all forgive you, but please throw the first snowball to get the avalanche going.

Saying this non=anonymous to underline how much I stand by my words.

You, me, the victims, we have nothing to be ashamed of. Your father by the sound of it has no shame (dark triad), but a lot of explaining and time to do.

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Anonymous #1

Re: Was I sexually abused as a child/ molested as a baby? Please help [Re: Asante]
    #27832758 - 06/23/22 11:49 AM (1 month, 17 days ago)

Thank you. I vow to finally take up this mantle. My older sister tried with the CPS and police but I will try until I get a result. Even without the sexual abuse he's just not fit for being a caretaker of anything, not even friends. The only person he occasionally talked to was exceedingly creepy and who knows why they got along I don't really want to know and they met at church after the divorce I think. All I know was as a kid he really funked up my rudimentary vibe checker and I stood behind my dad 99% of the time he was around. He checked off every red flag you can imagine. Anything you can imagine, tack that on and it still wont be as creepy as him. Spider arms? Yep. Surrounded by nazi ghosts? Yep. Just ate SPARROW FUCKING PIE? Yep, he did that one day and offered me some so I don't see why he wouldn't waste his time cooking that instead of just eating a pile of dogshit on multiple nights. Way too much karma on reddit? This was the 90's but I'm sure he's got a mint now, probably bonus karma because they could smell him by just seeing his username (1488FUKEMYUNGUNIVERSITYALUMNI1488)

And why should she have to live with just him and only him? He was afraid we were trying to steal him from her but I think that's just a lie because he doesn't want her to talk.  That's always the case. That's why he didn't let me talk to my stepmom's and the reason he abandoned me the second time was because I was trying to talk my child step mom into enrolling into the local high school and possibly work at the business I was trying to start if she needed help getting some $$. I was also talking to her family because they were all deeply concerned and sending him death threats etc.. That was the red line for him. Someone that knew who he was trying to say unpredictable things to her without his prior consent, and definitely talking to "the enemy". I kept insisting that she was just young and bored with her family but they loved her and it was wrong to pretend that they didn't exist because you had to suck Empire Palpatine's 68 year old stunt double rejects stinky cock all day. HE HASN'T EVEN ABANDONED ME FOR BEING GAY YET! HE STILL DOESN'T KNOW and he's abandoned me twice now. But what does that even mean. You've never given any of us anything anyways. We were lucky my mom is a strong and very brave woman and remarried an incredibly man we call our real dad because he gave us stability and fought for us when we needed a rock. He has integrity. Something that biological POS knows nothing about. He couldn't even find a phone to say sorry to any of his kids or try in anyway to repair their relationships. I remember when I was 8 I was in a really serious car accident and was in the hospital for at least three weeks next to another brother, wondering why he never visited me. When I finally made it over I told him and asked where did he think I was all of that time and why didn't he call my mom? He said he just thought we (2 of my brothers would visit most weekends, another lived there for a bit/also visited on some/was older so would go smoke weed with friends on many other weekends/stopped going when the monster "relapsed" and beat him after his promise to not hit them ever again) didn't love him anymore like the "spiteful brats" that refused to talk to him and he wasn't going to waste time exchanging insults with my mom. I just changed the subject because I was really hurt and even at 8 I could tell that he was trying to make us feel sorry for him and fake his way into being the victim even though we literally survived a pretty serious scrape with death. I knew my mom would have definitely told him and probably just have hung up because she would never use the kids as a pawn to do passive aggressive shit in the divorce like he did on a constant basis.

So I had been stewing and thinking about this situation and ended up in a deeply depressed mood. Then it finally dawned on me why this situation and felt so hopeless and I felt so powerless. After her mother died I had tried my best to visit and get her to OUR family gatherings as often as possible. My older sister had her over sometimes and she responded positively but one day she pulled me aside and said she was distrubed because after going to the bathroom she said she was done and ready to be wiped at like 10. I went completely pale and realized it was already too late and she had suffered at least some of that abuse and was going to have to live with some darkness like myself. So the fuck happened biological scumbag? Did you think JACKPOT!!!! FREE AND FULL ACCESS TO A CHILD! as your second wife was dying of an anyeurism in front of you in the girl? Was my one and only chance to save her from all of it at her mother's funeral? Where you didn't bother to skype any of her family so it was just me you my sister and the priest? If I had been more quick on my feet maybe somebody in a video game could have bludgeoned his head right there where I could run and say "Hey Nambla but with robes and in temples, get your ass back in here and pop off another eulogy but get a little creative with it you definitely didn't earn that $500 I saw him hand you yet. Ole shitbag just had an aneurysm too he's got blood gushing out of his head, likely from grief. Then you're gonna help me lug him to the dumpster at his apartment but if you're too afraid of getting caught we'll just take him to the VA clinic where they will grind him up and use him as GI rations."

So now she's an adult so she can move out if she wants and will make that clear to her with the window thing. After that if she wants to leave and land him in prison or if he intervenes I can make sure the police ask about the wiping thing and so on. Now that I think about it I might just be able to clap his motherfucking ass and I would be so dearly honored to give my siblings closure. Even my mom would be overjoyed and I really hope things go that way, but I'm going to play it far more slowly if she doesn't see yet that he is abusive. She has been in his custody and only his for 99.5% of her life remember and suppoedly she's kind of  slow according to hist third marriage but his groomed wife ended up being a kind of a bitch and seemed irritated that he always treaded the kid "like a dmn princess", never acknowledged that it was weird for a 68 year old to be playing MMORPG geared more towards a young still in school crowd, implied that maybe we were not communicating with him effectively and weren't giving him more of a chance so we misinrterpretd that as abuse, in fact he seemed too kind to his daughter and didn't pamper the girl who literally had an amber alert for her disappearence (I have the link if you want me to DM it) which was dismissed because he planned it out so that she would be legal to pound and marry after the several hour drive home and any other angry friends/family could just be deleted from his answering machine.

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