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Anonymous #1

Narcissism
    #27802201 - 06/02/22 03:57 AM (2 months, 8 days ago)

I come here all the time. I post about this once every few months. Some people have even noticed that I post here with roughly the same "question. For some reason I never get an answer and almost always get told I'm a dickhead. And that just settles it for you guys. "Well hes a dickhead. End of story. Next topic."


But I continue to exist. So here I am again? Not that discussing anything with anyone on earth means anything. Not that convincing some select group of people of whatever means anything to the objective truth of whatever the concept being conveyed is.




Anyways. Preamble out of the way. I used to be a liar. A manipulator. And had a huge hardon for myself. I didnt even hear other people when they had complaints. I did this from age 0 to age 22 ish. I dropped Acid and literally overnight I decided to stop lying. I still occasionally lie. About very mild things. Though I would guess that I probably lie much less than the majority of people.
My last lie was this: I ate too much while out with my girl. We went to her house and I forced myself to puke secretly. Then I cleaned my mouth out with my finger and water. Then I used her toothbrush. She noticed later on that the toothbrush had been moved and asked me about it. I half-answered but did not fully explain that I used it.

So thats the kind of lies I'm talking about. And they are fucking rare as shit. I needed to have a clean mouth because I knew we were going to be making out. But I didnt want her to realize I used her toothbrush on a vomit mouth. It would be gross. I shouldnt have used her toothbrush.






Anyways. I'm horribly unhappy. Its been 10 years almost now. Of this new me. I feel like everyone hates me. Everyone thinks im full of shit. Everyone thinks im arrogant.


I'll have a rando convo with some rando stranger for 5 mins about motorcycles. The next 2 hours I'll have cringe faces about us talking. Even though I didnt lie. I didnt exaggerate. And we didnt even have substance to what we talked about.




I am literally happiest when I have 0 interaction with humans. Because then I have nothing to cringe about. I make weird fucking noises when I cringe. My face contorts. My whole body spasms.





People SEEM to like me? I dont fucking know. The voice in my head says they dont. And that I suck. And that I fucked up.


I tend to date women who I would be okay if they cheated. If I date a girl who is super awesome I quickly start feeling paranoid thats shes cheating. And then I destroy the relationship.










Everything always comes back to....... "When I used to lie no one thought I was a liar. No one accused me of lying. When I used to be arrogant. No one thought I was arrogant. No one accused me of being arrogant. When I used to be the old me people liked me. And now that I am not a liar.... people think I'm lying. Now that I'm not arrogant.... people think im arrogant."


Why the fuck am I being kind and nice and honest and completely pouring every god damn detail out of my mind into the world around me..... if people think its all bullshit? Why not just be full of shit and have people think im nice?




Does anyone understand this? Am I perceivable? Am I saying it right? What do I do to fix this? How do I fix it? What actions do you want me to take world? I will do the actions. I am willing to completely submit to any will. What do I do? How do I do it?







Whats the point? This is just a forum online of a select grouping of people. And within that grouping of people this is an even more select grouping of just anonymous posters. And there are concepts and ideas that the bulk of you hold that some other groups in society would strongly oppose. There is no objective truth. We are just tribalistic fucking cunts yelling at each other over the walls we have built.


Curse my brain. Curse this reality. Curse what I have become.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27802205 - 06/02/22 04:11 AM (2 months, 8 days ago)

I wonder if narcissism even exists. I wonder if children are naturally selfish and unaware of others. You grow up and maybe you get flooded with tons of bullshit from your parents about how special you are. Maybe you become pretty good at some shit. And then those factors combine and make your selfish personality last longer than it should.


Then something happens like your parents die. Or you drop acid. Or some how you see yourself. And you choose if you want to change. Or maybe sometimes it never happens. You stay deluded.



Can we really define it as a disorder? And not just a result of circumstance? Is there a poor homeless drug addict on earth who isnt a narcissist now? Who wouldnt lie and manipulate you for some handful of pocket change?




And what about overarching personality traits and things like vocabular that stay with you post transition to non-narcissist? Like a boy who cried wolf situation. You SOUND the same as you did before..... but youre not...... but everyone thinks you are.


Its not enough that the mind has changed. You also have to change the very way you speak and exist. You cant just say "You dont understand me." you have to say "Somewhere between me thinking and saying my thoughts and you receiving them there was a misunderstanding. The misunderstanding could have been my fault, your fault, or fault of language.... but a misunderstand took place. Allow me to attempt to rectify that."


And then you end up saying sheets and sheets and sheets of words. To try and not sound arrogant. Then because youre saying so many words it sounds like youre arrogant.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27802206 - 06/02/22 04:14 AM (2 months, 8 days ago)

I want this thing out of my brain. I want to just trust. I want there to be no internal dialogue about why someone said something or what it means that they said it at that moment. Why they closed the door or why they left it open. Why the bag of cereal wasnt closed. Why they didnt put their turn signal on. Why they did put their turn signal on.


Its all useful information if you are manipulating the situation. All it is to me now is a plague. An infinite endless plague. No matter how much I'm aware its useless information it remains information being provided to me. Endlessly. Analyze analyze analyze. Logic logic logic. Deeper and deeper. Get to the root get to the root.


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Anonymous #2

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27802248 - 06/02/22 06:28 AM (2 months, 8 days ago)

Who does the homeless person think they be talking to. Some times the homeless think I blend in and other times they're asking for a handout. When they think you look like them in a moment it can be a beyond generous person as those who do much for others end up on the street too. One doesn't have to be bi-polar to be passive-aggressive and they one is in a moment doesn't at all define who they can be in an hour.


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Anonymous #3

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #27802634 - 06/02/22 03:02 PM (2 months, 7 days ago)

I don't know what to tell you dude.

Are you suggesting it's your honesty that makes people think you're arrogant? That is patently absurd.

I don't lie or manipulate people, I am honest and no one accuses me of being arrogant or full of shit.

I don't know what you're doing wrong, but generally when people accuse you of being arrogant, it's because you are being arrogant.

It's good to be able to self-evaluate and say "I was a narcissist and I want to be better" but maybe you should consider that it's not as simple a flicking a switch, and it may be difficult to kick your narcissistic tendencies. There may even be some that you are unaware of.

Without knowing you personally, there isn't really much to go on here.

Maybe you should have this conversation face to face with some of the people in your life? Ask them straight up if they think you're full of shit and ask why?

Quote:


Anyways. I'm horribly unhappy. Its been 10 years almost now. Of this new me. I feel like everyone hates me. Everyone thinks im full of shit. Everyone thinks im arrogant.




Do people tell you that you're arrogant and full of shit? Generally they would have a reason for thinking that.

Are you full of shit?


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Anonymous #1

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #27802750 - 06/02/22 04:35 PM (2 months, 7 days ago)

I'm occasionally accused of lying. In an argument with a girlfriend they will suggest I'm being arrogant. Two of the last ten or so the last ten years.

I'll get called arrogant and a liar by coworkers who I believe are arrogant and liars themselves. Some co workers are fond of me. Want to go out and drink or whatever. I don't keep in touch when I move to a new job. Which happens every six months or so because I have work right limitations.

I have zero friends. So I don't talk to anyone that can call me arrogant. I just have a girlfriend at each moment.... Some co workers.... And I talk with my mom and brother on Facebook.

Online I'm called arrogant a lot.



I mean I could spend ten days explaining who I am and what all has happened to me and what I've been through yattaa yatta. I'd never be able to do it. I think we are all just trapped in whatever cards we are given. Shouting pointlessly into the void.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27802772 - 06/02/22 04:51 PM (2 months, 7 days ago)

Just temporary weakness. Posting about my brain.


I'll hardened up. Forget this site. Go about my routines. And return in a few months.



I dunno. To me psychedelics mean something. They help people. And the people who do them share a brotherhood. And I keep coming back thinking an answer is here. There's just never an answer.


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Anonymous #4

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27810654 - 06/08/22 11:27 AM (2 months, 1 day ago)

This isn't narcissism. This is low self esteem. What are your hobbies?


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Anonymous #5

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #4] * 1
    #27810689 - 06/08/22 12:09 PM (2 months, 1 day ago)

There certainly are objective truths. There are subjective truths too and these revolve around how we perceive ourselves.

I think you have a borderline personality disorder. It’s not your fault. You really should consider therapy.


Edited by Anonymous (06/08/22 12:19 PM)


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Anonymous #4

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #27810754 - 06/08/22 01:28 PM (2 months, 1 day ago)

I agree this could be bpd.

Therapy is required no matter whether it is or isn't though. 10 years unhappy? OP, you deserve to be happy man.


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Anonymous #6

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #27810811 - 06/08/22 02:56 PM (2 months, 1 day ago)

Yes, narcicism is real, and narcicistic personality disorder is defined in the DSM-V.

Narcicists actually have very low self esteem. Overt narcicists gejerally act like they don't and covert narcicists have a tendancy to self deprecate, using their low self esteem to manipulate the people around them.

I think you need to stop asking shroomerites anonymous for advice about this and seek professional help.


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Anonymous #4

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #27810860 - 06/08/22 03:44 PM (2 months, 1 day ago)

Ok, but narcissists aren't defined by low self esteem. In fact majority of people have low self esteem. The reason I don't believe this is a narcissist personality disorder is because OP cares about what other people are thinking and why they do what they do. Narcissists don't think of that, they are usually completely unaware. This is definitely a personality disorder, but it doesn't sound like narcissism just because he lied, manipulated and had a hard on for himself.

He might have or had a narcissistic trait, that's all.


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Anonymous #6

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #27810893 - 06/08/22 04:14 PM (2 months, 1 day ago)

Where in my post did I diagnose OP? No where. I just clarified that narcicists have low self esteem.

And narcicists generally do care what people think about them, because they rely on others for narcicistic supply and survival. They just don't care how other people FEEL.


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Anonymous #4

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #27810952 - 06/08/22 05:06 PM (2 months, 1 day ago)

OP specified what people are thinking in general, not just regarding him. That's what I'm implying.


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Anonymous #7

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #27815700 - 06/12/22 09:57 AM (1 month, 29 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

Does anyone understand this? Am I perceivable? Am I saying it right? What do I do to fix this? How do I fix it? What actions do you want me to take world? I will do the actions. I am willing to completely submit to any will. What do I do? How do I do it?






Perhaps reading Ecclesiastes while contemplating such surrendering you speak of would offer some guidance for the betterment of the community.


The crown of wisdom can be a heavy burden.


Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

Whats the point? This is just a forum online of a select grouping of people. And within that grouping of people this is an even more select grouping of just anonymous posters. And there are concepts and ideas that the bulk of you hold that some other groups in society would strongly oppose. There is no objective truth. We are just tribalistic fucking cunts yelling at each other over the walls we have built.


Curse my brain. Curse this reality. Curse what I have become.





Meaningless, meaningless! All things under the sun are meaningless.


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Anonymous #8

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #7]
    #27816747 - 06/12/22 10:34 PM (1 month, 28 days ago)

Honestly to the OP, people in general are pieces of shit... The world is a horrible place and no one cares about anything important except themselves, their thoughts and what they think. Most people can't have a meaningful conversation about anything, most people lie and most people aren't worried about other peoples emotions.

Honestly I am in your space but I realized at the same time non of them matter and I have to be able to survive myself and give myself the happiness I read.

I would usually ramble on in the negative fashion and say "Oh you're probably a spoiled, silverspoon white person who says they aren't rich or "well off" blah blah blah but in reality I understand and the only thing you can really do is live your life. Unless you are homeless, broken with nowhere and no family and really eating the ass of life... Don't do anything stupid, if you could come back, you'd probably regret it.

Dealing with the Societal Issues that SOCIETY calls "mental issues" is hard, you just have to find that little bit of light for yourself.


Edited by Anonymous (06/12/22 10:35 PM)


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Anonymous #8

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #7]
    #27816751 - 06/12/22 10:35 PM (1 month, 28 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #7 said:
Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

Does anyone understand this? Am I perceivable? Am I saying it right? What do I do to fix this? How do I fix it? What actions do you want me to take world? I will do the actions. I am willing to completely submit to any will. What do I do? How do I do it?






Perhaps reading Ecclesiastes while contemplating such surrendering you speak of would offer some guidance for the betterment of the community.


The crown of wisdom can be a heavy burden.


Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

Whats the point? This is just a forum online of a select grouping of people. And within that grouping of people this is an even more select grouping of just anonymous posters. And there are concepts and ideas that the bulk of you hold that some other groups in society would strongly oppose. There is no objective truth. We are just tribalistic fucking cunts yelling at each other over the walls we have built.


Curse my brain. Curse this reality. Curse what I have become.





Meaningless, meaningless! All things under the sun are meaningless.




Everything isn't meaningless just most of it doesn't matter lol. Also to the wisdom thing, usually that's it. I constantly scream at my wife about how everyone is a fucking moron, no one does anything right etc.

Oh and stop that small bullshit lying, it'll make you feel better. Stop the over stepping of boundaries too! That toothbrush bullshit is childish, should have told the truth OR just squirted some toothpaste in your mouth and swished lol.

Edit: OP came here for a little bit of guidance and got a bunch of fucking Narcissist who seen the title and jumped at it like they were being attacked. Figures.


Edited by Anonymous (06/12/22 10:38 PM)


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Anonymous #4

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #8]
    #27816762 - 06/12/22 10:46 PM (1 month, 28 days ago)

OP needs professional help which was advised.


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Anonymous #8

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #27816830 - 06/12/22 11:32 PM (1 month, 28 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #4 said:
OP needs professional help which was advised.




I actually agree. Go talk to some professionals.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Narcissism [Re: Anonymous #8]
    #27819842 - 06/14/22 09:23 PM (1 month, 26 days ago)

I-exist-within-the-reverberating-echoes-of-that-narcissist.

The boy who cried wolf. Thats me.

Only the wolf is eating me slowly. A 60 year death.


And its fair.
I deserve it.


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