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Sorry for such a lame post but I don't know where else to turn. It's always so much easier to turn to those that we will most likely never see in our lives for help sometimes. Anyhow..... I have a girlfriend who I love very much, unfortunately I am not a very good boyfriend to her. I have major issues with attempting to control her, and wanting to be the only thing in the world that makes her happy, and just getting upset about completely ridiculous things and of course if these things don't go how I want I take it out on her. I believe all of these problems to stem from insecurity, which I have been unable to overcome since I was as young as I can remember.(It wasn't until a year or two ago I finally had enough courage to talk to people at cash registers and I'm 19 years old.... LoL) Anyhow, as I have probably made semi-clear, I realize these are all personal problems and I need to change. I know the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one, unfortunately I don't know where to go from there. I know the things I get upset about are completely ridiculous, but they totally consume me to the point that I can't even think about anything else. Things that wouldn't mean anything to others take my whole mind over and take control of my reality.(According to my mother this is a common occurance in bi-polar types, not meaning that to be an excuse of any sort) I don't know how to make myself any better of a person and this, on top of the fact I'm constantly bringing the person that matters most to me down with me, is sending me deeper and deeper into a state of depression. I want to be a better person, but I just don't know how to control the way my brain interprets these things. Please Help Me! This girl means the world to me and I don't want anything more than for her to be happy and feel good about herself, but I know all I do at this point is the complete opposite. ANY advice would be greatly appreciated as I am completely at a loss and just falling further and further down the spiral. Oh yeah.... please don't just tell me to break up with her..... we've been together for more than 2 1/2 years and she is my world....
You sound like you are willing to talk about everything, I wish I could help, and I know people dont like psychiatrists, but they would be perfect for you in this situation. You seem to be getting depressed, and at other times your mind is racing, which only makes your next depression feeling worse. Well, im assuming this kind of, but Im not sure. Could be bi-polar, could be anything. Have you talked to her about these problems you are facing with yourself?
1) If you've been together for 2 1/2 years, your girlfriend knows about most if not all of your bad characteristics. She has accepted you despite them. What are you insecure about? Maybe you are insecure about yourself as a person. Try to find something in yourself you can be proud of, something that you feel gives you worth. Perhaps asking your girlfriend which of your character traits she finds appealing will give you a place to start.
2) Your girlfriend MAY have self-esteem issues of her own if she is putting up with your attempts to control her. Encourage her to deal with this as well, to stand up to you and express her feelings when you go too far. Perhaps you need help recognizing the manipulations as they are happening so as to prevent them completely in the future.
3) Try using daily affirmations to set and work toward small, achievable goals that gradually build up to your overall goal. "I will be more supportive of 'girlfriend's name' today than I was yesterday. I will be more aware of other people's emotions and how my actions influence them. I will not succumb to negative thinking." etc.
4) One thing that you MUST realize when trying to change the way you think or behave: There WILL be setbacks. This is no excuse for getting discouraged and giving up. It is a test of how dedicated you are to achieving your goal. The more you want to change your harmful behaviors, the easier it will be. Consider the potential consequences of your actions (ie. losing your girlfriend if you don't change, or being happily with her for a long time if you do) to build motivation.
5) It can also be very helpful to be held accountable to someone, especially if that someone is important to you. Whether it's your girlfriend, a therapist/counsellor, or best friend, keep them "in the loop" with your progress or failures, and allow them to encourage and help you.
I hope some of this is useful to you.
-------------------- Sometimes karma needs a little help.
Hey man. I can say my life has had its fare share of the same type of experiences.
When this was happening to me a lot... I realized that i had a lot of problems with atachment and being worried about how i acted with the other person.
My emotional attatchment always made me react to everything in the relationship... I didnt take things out on her so to say... but i felt as if i was, and it constantly brought me down...
After we finally broke up. I realized how much more i needed to focus on my self and my personal issues, rather than trying to concern myself over her issues, or our issues together. Getting a sense of "self" really helped me to cope with how i adressed her needs and concerns.
Once i had realized my sense of self i becames aware that a lot of the problems i was facing had to do with conflicts between emotional attachtment to the other person and feeligns of inadequacy or contradictions within my own self.
I couldnt tell you to break up with your girlfriend!!!
I didnt really "break" up with my girl friend. I had realized that there was nothing more that i could do, i was so down, she was so down , that i felt like it was impossible to solve the issues. The main factor in determining the outcome of our relationship was the distance we were from eachother...
Maybe try loving yourself.... knowing that you have you heart in the right place... You must learn to love yourself before you can have the love of others i think.