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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Question 1
#27756774 - 04/29/22 04:13 PM (1 year, 8 months ago) |
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How should I go about telling my boyfriend he's really starting to look old and he needs a makeover(like at least dye his greys) without hurting his feelings? He's not actually old. He's early 40s but he looks like he's in his 50s. He's in great physical shape, it's really the greys that make him look older. Everyone else his age around us looks their age except for him. I've made comments here and there, but he doesn't really understand what I'm trying to say. Like I just want to send him to a hair salon lol. Any advice? Thanks in advance.
--------------------
  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
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VP123
Strange



Registered: 06/27/19
Posts: 1,341
Loc: Midwest
Last seen: 10 days, 34 minutes
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You could ask him to do it for you. That you want to see how he looks like with less gray (women have their own special ways to convince their men). But honestly, be prepared. I never dyed my hair because when I see an old person without a single gray hair it looks weird to me. The skin doesn't match the "youthful" hair and it freaks me out. If my SO asked me, I would probably do it for her but only for a very limited time. How would I approach my co-workers when they see me the next day without a single gray hair? I would feel a little embarrassed.
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Re: Question [Re: VP123] 1
#27756837 - 04/29/22 05:19 PM (1 year, 8 months ago) |
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I hear ya, but he's not old. He's 41. That's what's bothering me. He would actually look his age if he shaved his mixed dirty blonde mostly grey beard and dyed his hair either dirty blonde or light brown. I've tried telling him to do it for me. It was a no go. I'm just asking how can I tell him it's unattractive and unpresentable without hurting his feelings. I'm like embarrassed of him a bit and am totally not feeling proud to have him as my partner. I feel terrible about it.
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  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
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split_by_nine
i am the liquor

Registered: 07/11/18
Posts: 21,288
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why do you feel embarrassed about his grey hair? is it the way you see him or the way you think others look at you two together?
-------------------- 🐴 hpoo or die
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Roflspammer
Strangest



Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 1,901
Loc: New Hampshire
Last seen: 10 hours, 46 minutes
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I would cut yourself the dramatic build-up and tell him what you just wrote. Nothing bad can really happen.
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BeeZee
Nunya



Registered: 06/08/20
Posts: 2,467
Loc: 321
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My wife likes the gray hair on me, I'm 33 by the way. I'm glad she does because I wouldn't do anything about it anyway lol
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jack_straw2208
Doctor



Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 3,115
Loc: Earth
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Re: Question [Re: BeeZee] 2
#27756862 - 04/29/22 05:57 PM (1 year, 8 months ago) |
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Trade him in for a newer model!
-------------------- If you can’t tell what you desperately need, it’s probably sleep.
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Re: Question [Re: BeeZee] 1
#27756882 - 04/29/22 06:11 PM (1 year, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
split_by_nine said: why do you feel embarrassed about his grey hair? is it the way you see him or the way you think others look at you two together?
The way I see him. He has aged 15 years in less than 4 years just because of the colour of his hair. I have had some people I was showing pictures to that are in their mid 30s go "oh he's an old guy". It really hurt me because he's actually not old and I personally was seeing it, but I just kinda ignored my feelings. I'm embarrassed because it's not attractive to me and I obviously want to be attracted to him. If he was actually in his 50s I would be, but he's not so.
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Roflspammer said: I would cut yourself the dramatic build-up and tell him what you just wrote. Nothing bad can really happen.
He's already upset and annoyed. I didn't show him, but I said it. I basically told him he's not taking care of himself and I'd like us to do something about the grey. He said he's shaving his head and face cause it's something he doesn't want to take care of and he also said "sorry I'm not one of those fob boys you hang around with". I was like, this is isn't coming from comparing you to anyone else. The only thing I didn't say was how he looks 15 years older. I think that would really make him upset.
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BeeZee said: My wife likes the gray hair on me, I'm 33 by the way. I'm glad she does because I wouldn't do anything about it anyway lol
I used to like it, but his face is aging as we all do and the grey isn't complimenting anything anymore.
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  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Quote:
jack_straw2208 said: Trade him in for a newer model!
No, he just needs to take care of himself, looks wise.
--------------------
  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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I said it, straight up explained it makes him look older than he is. I can tell he's hurt. I told him I love his hair(on his head) like the style, not the colour. He asked me to stop going on and on about it. So I'm not going to.
I guess I should point out we had planned to fool around together and I basically postponed it to have this conversation with him. Of course I just offered him a blowjob and he said no cause he's clearly upset at me.
Honestly, I think it had to be done. I know the truth hurts, but I did tell him I'm telling him this because I love him and want to spend my life with him.
--------------------
  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
Edited by r3volution.gurl (04/29/22 06:48 PM)
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Anonymous #1
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Quote:
r3volution.gurl said:
I know the truth hurts, but I did tell him I'm telling him this because I love him and want to spend my life with him.
The truth here is that he is getting older (we all are) and he is no longer attractive to you. Honestly, there is a good chance that dyeing his hair will not make him more attractive to you. How would you feel if he began to wish you looked younger, or looked like the models in a magazine? It seems to me that there may be deeper problems. Even changing the color of his hair will not make him look young forever. Is acceptance of the inevitable an option for you? Are you trying to change him for your benefit or his benefit?
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SharaVabdas



Registered: 03/23/22
Posts: 489
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Post deleted by SharaVabdas
Reason for deletion: Shroomery is full of bigots and I'm leaving.
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Quote:
Anonymous #1 said: The truth here is that he is getting older (we all are) and he is no longer attractive to you. Honestly, there is a good chance that dyeing his hair will not make him more attractive to you. How would you feel if he began to wish you looked younger, or looked like the models in a magazine? It seems to me that there may be deeper problems. Even changing the color of his hair will not make him look young forever. Is acceptance of the inevitable an option for you? Are you trying to change him for your benefit or his benefit?
The real issue from my perspective and those around us is he looks like he's neglected himself(which technically he has) and it makes him look much older than he is mostly because of the unhinged grey. That's what's unattractive. I'm not asking him to completely change his hair colour necessarily, I'm asking him to do something about how his hair and beard looks right now. Like some kind of style or purpose, not looking like he's neglected himself. The issue for me isn't that he's 'getting' older, it's that he is neglecting his appearance so he looks way older than he actually should look. Like his potential. I explain in more detail below.
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SharaVabdas said: My fiancé calls me an old man and I am 37. She’s not wrong.
41 qualifies as old. These changes are not uncommon at that age.
She told me up front, “I’m gonna ask you to dye your hair one day, old man.”
She likes my grey now but I only have a little. I’ve had it since I was 20, though.
You might be asking for an impossibility here.
You can’t necessarily do this without hurting his feelings. If he cares about you, though, he’ll want you to be honest with him and he’ll get over it and give it a shot.
Unless it’s like super important to him to be accepted as he is, in which case it might be a bigger discussion to have.
At the end of the day, hiding how you feel will lead to bigger problems down the line. It is not always possible to both spare our loved ones’ feelings and be honest with them.
The key to a healthful relationship, whether romantic or platonic, is open and honest communication. That can take a little courage sometimes.
True, I have grey strands here and there at 27 which I will probably go blonde once it gets too visible(I have my natural hair colour now). I loved his slight grey on the sides before, but he also took much better care of his appearance then as far as nice clothes, shoes, tanning etc. The amount of grey now, just makes it look all grey, no dirty blonde or brownish tone at all, it's like 3 different flat greys and white on the chin part of his beard, like hobo-ish.
He seems better, he's chatting to me, laughing etc. I will respect his wishes and not bring it up again at least for a week. I do plan to bring him shopping, get him some nice clothes, new shoes because he just seems like he's neglected himself. All his clothes are old, have holes, stains and plus the grey hair too... my mother commented about it to me privately because she was concerned about him. She's bought him some clothes and he's loved them. He did say he wants to shave all his hair and beard though so I mean it's really his choice. He hasn't had extra money for himself for about 6 months now so I mean I understand his position to an extent. As of right now, I'm not interested in bringing him to my work(they have told me to bring him multiple times) because this is truly the worst looking version of him the entire 9 years we've been together. I'm also going to pay so he can get his teeth fixed because he broke his veneer last year and is REALLY self conscious about it.
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SharaVabdas said: He’ll get over it. It’s such a trivial thing for him to do for you, honestly, and he’ll basically forget about it after he does it a few times.
My fiancé told me I can never shave my beard because I don’t look right and it hurt my feelings and I didn’t really want to cuddle, but I ended up preferring having a beard all the time anyway.
Good luck!
I appreciate the support and what you've shared. One of the reasons I think this is especially important for him to look his best is because him and I have an open relationship(non-monogamous), we've had it for 8 years. Let's just say he hasn't been with another woman for quite some time and I on the other hand am still occasionally with other men. Other women I don't think will find him extremely attractive like I know he can be. I just want him to be more presentable mostly for himself to feel good about himself because his current appearance and effort says he doesn't feel good about himself.
Present year(we are pretty drunk and stoned in the photo lol)
 5 years ago
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  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
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SharaVabdas



Registered: 03/23/22
Posts: 489
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Post deleted by SharaVabdas
Reason for deletion: Shroomery is full of bigots and I'm leaving.
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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I agree. I do believe he is depressed, at least a little bit. He definitely carries the world's issues on his shoulders. He probably notices he's aging of course(who doesn't). He works out everyday, his hygiene is above average, but he just doesn't care much of his appearance like he used to or takes care of his clothes. No ironing etc. Wears lots of t-shirts and hoodies mostly that are old and should probably be replaced or only used for working on our property off grid.
He does have a few mixed drinks almost everyday. Doesn't get drunk though. Smokes weed. He used to be an opioid(heroin) and ghb addict so I mean it could be worse. I'm not complaining about a few drinks and a couple joints a day, at least for now. He is currently working hard in regards to his financial gains for the future. It's just a matter of time before he's financially back on his feet.
I originally just kinda said to myself, well he's getting older, it is normal, nothing he or I can do about it but I actually went out with a man in his 50s last year(still see him once in a while) and he actually looked younger than my bf(they are both white). That's when I said to myself, this isn't just normal aging for my bf, but straight up neglect. The guy I went out still looked like a man over 40, was dressed really nice, crisp clothes, actually had his hair cut probably by a professional and was clean shaven. He had no grey cause his hair was dyed but it looked really natural. Obviously this isn't to say I am comparing my boyfriend to him, but it made me realize my bf was doing the bare minimum or less. Back then, my boyfriend worked security. I saw him clean shaven, hair cut and styled nicely and in a suit every weekend. He stopped working security maybe 3 years ago. I'm lucky to get him in a dress shirt once every two months lol.
Overall, I think I needed to tell him this today and of course I will be there to help him with it because I want to look at him the way I used to and I know he can age gracefully. I'm going to pamper him really
Thanks for listening and your advice eh, greatly appreciated.
Hahahahaha that really resonates because we are step grandparents already actually, but still, I want a daddy too, not a grandpa
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  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
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Roflspammer
Strangest



Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 1,901
Loc: New Hampshire
Last seen: 10 hours, 46 minutes
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Those people don't really look the same aside from a few characteristics. Has he had any medical care in the intervening time? Does seem like quite a bit of aging going on there, more so than just 5 years of middle life. How often is he seeing his primary? How stable has his weight been?
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Quote:
Roflspammer said: Those people don't really look the same aside from a few characteristics. Has he had any medical care in the intervening time? Does seem like quite a bit of aging going on there, more so than just 5 years of middle life. How often is he seeing his primary? How stable has his weight been?
So he went from over 200lbs to just under 200lbs throughout a 3 year course. He is still muscular. He just doesn't eat as much during the day, does too much snacking at night, but he has a heavy smoothie every morning. He probably is not eating enough calories though. He's lost pretty much all his fat. I can really notice it in his face. He's been healthy as far as needing medical care. I just asked him as a joke if he needs any medical care and he said "yeah, nature" so he could be definitely depressed because of the city life currently. He rarely sees his physician, he doesn't get sick often.
I think I'm making a hair salon appointment for both of us this week. Going to get him to shave his beard, get the salon to do an actual hair style cut and dye his hair light brown. I think it'll make a huge difference. This was a new shirt his daughter got him for Christmas lol

8 years ago
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  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
Edited by r3volution.gurl (04/30/22 09:42 AM)
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flugelizor
Furious ball of nothing


Registered: 11/16/08
Posts: 2,107
Loc: Western NY
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I don't want to be negative, but something about this thread is bugging me. People age. It's natural. Not sure what you mean by "let himself go."
He looks OK to me  Have you ever heard the expression "if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" ?
Seems like a cliche bit of BS, but perhaps it applies here. Most guys don't color their hair ... ever! We think of it as narcissistic and/or pathetic. (I'm talking men only! Women feel free to experiment. That's what you do!)
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flugelizor
Furious ball of nothing


Registered: 11/16/08
Posts: 2,107
Loc: Western NY
Last seen: 4 hours, 52 minutes
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If my wife told me to color my hair because I let myself go I would feel hurt too. If she said "color your hair because I have a kink, do you want a BJ?" I would say "sign me up, what color?"
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split_by_nine
i am the liquor

Registered: 07/11/18
Posts: 21,288
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-------------------- 🐴 hpoo or die
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