| Home | Community | Message Board |
|
You are not signed in. Sign In New Account | Forum Index Search Posts Trusted Vendors Highlights Galleries FAQ User List Chat Store Random Growery » |
This site includes paid links. Please support our sponsors.
|
| Shop: |
| |||||||
|
Registered: 07/14/16 Posts: 7,948 Loc: Here |
| ||||||
|
Long story short, war branded 9yo child finally escapes war, starts new life with family in another country. I'll be 39 soon, my PTSD symptoms have their flow and ebb, last few weeks have been tsunamis. But now I'm experiencing symptoms I've never really noticed before, it's like my subconscious is all of a sudden geared towards creating imaginary scenarios/assumptions that all share a similar theme which is always associated with extremely self destructive stuff.
Plz bare with my English, it's not my first language usually it's pretty good but right now my brain operates at 20% of normal. Anyway. Here's an example of what I mean. Today I was walking in my neighborhood and walked past a car that was parked but the engine was running. Immediately my mind produced a vivid imagery of me being run over by the car. Immediately as I notice this I try to shake it off ask myself "wtf is wrong with you dude.." then literally second later I walk past a dog poop on the street and immediately I see a vision of me stepping in the pile of dog poop. it's not an intrusive though it's like I chose to think this scenario but I wasn't consciously aware of it in the moment. Before I went out the front door I imagined that someone was standing right outside with a gun drawn pointed at my forehead and pulled the trigger. This time as well it felt like I had control over this thought, I mean as I become aware of thinking it I also feel that I was cpnsciosly aware of thinking it but still didn't have control over it. I'm only able to eat like once a day and even then I have to force down the food cause I know conceptually I'll starve to dead if I stop eating, but every cell in my body feels like it's telling me to stop eating, like some underlying theme is suicide. For the record I've never felt suicidal not even close, I have support from friends, family and the state provided health service. Sometimes I sleep for 30h in a row, wake up and are awake for 5-6h then I can sleep for 24h in a row, as you can imagine I can't get much food or water during these instances, imo yet another (reinactment?) of death/dying/killing one self. I just want to snap out of this since it's scaring me, it's like my subconscious is telling me "kill yourself" by making assosoations to suicide even tho consciously I'm trying to focus of staying positive and my goal is to do what I can to recover. Idk if I constructed this the way I wanted but I can probably clear something up if someone ask me something specific. I just want to know has anyone experienced something similar before and how to face this challenge?
| |||||||
|
Mage Registered: 02/06/02 Posts: 86,795 |
| ||||||
|
Its best to discuss this with your therapist, (s)he may have insights that we don't.
| |||||||
|
Registered: 07/14/16 Posts: 7,948 Loc: Here |
| ||||||
|
She has at least 30years experience as therapist I've been seeing her for over two years weekly, i dontnwanna sound arrogant like im claiming to understand some thing better than her but I've noticed that she isn't aware of all the newest studies and concepts.
My main objective for now is to try and find someone that has experienced something similar and if anyone knows how to stop negative thoughts or even how to deal with a situation when a negative thought suddenly pops in, do I try to counter with a positive thought or do I try to just ignore it. My therapist gives me generic advice like breathing exercises and it works for 5-10min but then the negative thoughts still seep in and its actually imoressive how easily these thoughts sneak in even while i feel that I'm in the moment and aware of my thoughts, then BAM suddenly i realize I've been visualizing some.really fucked upside shit for like 10 seconds or more.
| |||||||
|
Registered: 07/14/16 Posts: 7,948 Loc: Here |
| ||||||
|
Today i will try a technique i read, illegal put a rubber band around wrist and then each other time i get w negativevthought I'll pull on the rubberband and let go to receive a painful slap, supposedly this will eventually make thwbmind associate bad thoughts with pain and the mind will hopefully learn to not go to those places that cause the rubber band slap.
But im very open to ideas. Thanks
| |||||||
|
Stranger Registered: 05/30/21 Posts: 2,875 |
| ||||||
Quote: I think you are fighting too much with yourself. I think you need to have more confidence. Even though you are struggling you are here, speaking clearly and openly about your issues. Your function is at 20%, make a note of it and try to get that number up. Even if you can't do anything else better, get to 21%. That would be proof of self growth. I think you need to let distressing thoughts come but process them. You are basically afraid of your own thoughts. The next time you get one of these thoughts, try just acknowledging that it was a thought you had, and nothing else important about it. Some of our thoughts are a little random.
| |||||||
|
Stranger Registered: 05/30/21 Posts: 2,875 |
| ||||||
Quote: Then you just need to remind yourself of this when you get these thoughts. Reminder. Just say to yourself this very sentence, say 'i've never felt suicidal not even close.' Remind your mind that. Then try to figure out why you got the thought. Intrusive thoughts are your mind showing you potential bad. Here we see it is not just related to self-harm - because you imagined a man with a gun, but there would be no way for you to act that out. I think you are now worried about this self-harm thing as another additional intrusive thought. Intrusive thoughts about instructive thoughts, stacking. When my OCD was bad, I used to worry that I'd think about something, because I thought it would remind me of another thought that'd be distressing. It's self-fighting, self-deceptive. You need to be true to yourself, and to believe yourself when you talk with yourself. You need to become a bigger supporter of Mateja. I think you really have a deep love and respect for yourself, and you'll get a lot better.
| |||||||
|
Stranger Registered: 05/30/21 Posts: 2,875 |
| ||||||
Quote: I have been diagnosed with OCD, and a lot of your symptoms remind me of me. I would suggest you look into a therapy program that is specifically designed to deal with intrusive thoughts. It is called exposure and response therapy, ERP. Quote: So what becomes immediately clear reading this is, this style of therapy does deal with how we respond or react to our thoughts. Your whole post was about how you're scared of this thought you had. I think one of these therapists who specialize in ERP could help. I am not saying you have OCD, but I'm suggesting you talk to an expert in it since intrusive thoughts are a really strong sign of it, the main sign essentially. ERP is about changing your response to be different. Quote: Don't counter. That's actually adding another intrusive thought. I had a whole set of rituals for how to deal with certain thoughts. It is actually far better if you just forget to respond. So try to practice non-response to the thoughts. Edited by CreonAntigone (04/29/22 05:52 AM)
| |||||||
|
Registered: 07/14/16 Posts: 7,948 Loc: Here |
| ||||||
|
I've been doing CBT and EMDR for a cpl of years with my therapist idk what effect it has had so far but in general my depression and anxiety has progressively gotten worse since 2018. I actually don't believe I have any kind of OCD (except for whats normal i guess)
I've been practicing mindfulness for over 10 years, and honestly its been probably 4-5 years since i got to the level of not even being able to be absent minded for more than a sec or two. Even during the time i act like a fool im fully aware myself the entire time i literally couldn't go back to not being aware if i wanted to. Here's another example of something that's occurring, if I hear a sound or a voice or whatever my brain will briefly immediately interpret the sound negatively even if for just a split second. If I see something suddenly i will often see the negative version of the sight for a splitnsecind before i register the real (often neutral) input. Its simply as if the Amygdala in the brain has completely stolen all processing power from the frontal coretex. I struggle to eat once a day currently and even swallowing water can be very hard, imagine being thirsty but drinking a glass of water feels like eating a heavy meal sometimes. Loud noises make me uncomfortable especially if someone in my vicinity shouts. Periodically these symptoms seem to be less intense but its always one step forward and two steps back. Right now im focusing on keeping personal hygiene routines like brushingbmy teeth every day and showering at least 2-3 times a week.
| |||||||
|
Shroomery Secret Service Registered: 04/22/02 Posts: 20,529 Loc: PuppetMasterFlash Last seen: 17 hours, 15 minutes |
| ||||||
|
There is a phenomenon "The call of the void" which a LOT of people experience. It's the sudden urge to do things like jump from a great height, or swerve into oncoming traffic, even though you don't want to actually die.
You should still see a therapist though. https://www.healthline.com/heal -------------------- Nothing says love like grannies prolapsed anus! quote]Urb said: I know... Its fucked up... Ill fix it minyana..[/quote]
| |||||||
|
Registered: 07/14/16 Posts: 7,948 Loc: Here |
| ||||||
|
When im buying food at the grocery store (or attempting to buy food) it feels as if im totally naked and as if the items im buying are revealing the most intimate details about myself and it feels as if everyone in the store knows it. There's this older lady that sits right outside the grocery store each day and begs for money but she's not homeless or anything i see her kids sometimes drop off their dog's and she watches him, they're a normal family im guessung she collects money for some cause or whatever, but every time i walking past her (and i never carry change) i feel as if I'm walking past a poor, desperate, dying person in distress and I'm just the biggest coward in the universe for not stopping and saying hi and giving her money.
At times i will will to another grocery store that's 5 times further away just cause i can't handle the stress of walking past her. But these are just involontary sensations/emotions that i can't control. If i go to pay for something and i notice that you have charged me extra i don't complain cause if i did it would feel as if I'm the one asking you to givee something for free that i don't deserve. I have a hard time deciding which of these things are actual thoughts and conceptualizations in my mind or which are simply emotions/feelings that cant be put into words. Shame and guilt seem to be the underlying theme most often. Anyway i just wanted to make it a bit more clear what im experiencing. The worst thing you cam do toe is offer me options, no matter how certain i am of something and i know what i want, as soon as someone offers me options i get completely stuck.
| |||||||
|
Registered: 07/14/16 Posts: 7,948 Loc: Here |
| ||||||
Quote: Thanks for the tip i appreciate. I am aware of that phenomena but didn't know it was called "the call of the void". As i tried to describe its not as if I have any kind of fear of jumping infront of a carry i know i wont do that nor does it worry me, but nonetheless my brain will sort of automatically think that thought and more or less try to envision this happening bit ad i said i don't feel in the leadt that there is a possibility pf this occurring but its still depressing and demoralizing that im at some level doing this to myself anyway for no reason. Last summer i got hit by a car at slow speed while crossing the street on my bike, i looked bothbways but didn't see the car at all, luckily i jumped off the bil which got ran over. 3 days later though i got hit by a bus also while riding bicycle and that time i broke my arm and elbow, but i didn't see the bus until it hit me. You know how of you repeat a word over and over it suddenly öoses its meaning? That's how traffic can be for me sometimes, if I look left and right then let's and right now again just to make sure, all of a sudden i see the cars but i have no clue if they're a second away or 10 seconds away. In those cases i just join other pedestrians and i cross when they cross.
| |||||||
|
Anonymous #1 |
| ||||||
|
I read some of the posts, though not all. That being said, I can't imagine what it feels like to be in your shoes.
The PTSD sneaks in on us during the most inconvenient times. I always felt as though I were being watched, every time I stepped out my front door, back door, out of my house during daylight hours. Nighttime was nearly normal and calm. The way I got past it was to start telling myself a mantra. My mantra was..."You're just not that interesting, you're just not that interesting", over and over, until I believed it absolutely. The problem with your PTSD is that you have been, could be, may be in real danger. That is a feeling that you need to keep near the surface and not dismiss it until you can confirm that you are not in real danger. It has served you well in the past, you are alive. Some try and numb this with alcohol or drugs, meds, etc. In my experience, the calming exercises from the doctors only work if you believe they work. I would have panic attacks in public places. Sweating profusely, loss of color, stomach and body ache, rapid heartbeat, and shallow breathing to the point of hyperventilation. The exercise to start with when in crisis, is to get back into your body. Close your eyes and block out everything around you. Slow your breathing, only breathing in through your nose, make it deep, and just listen to your own slow breath filling your lungs, then holding a second, then very slowly exhaling from your mouth. Then recognize what you hear around you. You may hear chaos, or nothing at all, at least to start with. As you distract your brain with a simple activity, your body will loosen up, fingers and toes will unclench, each part of you will relax when it wants to, in its own time. Take your time, no matter where you need to be at the time, it is better to arrive safely and late. Those who matter don't mind and those who mind, do not matter. With eyes closed, mind quiet, out loud if you can, describe what you are hearing. Children playing, birds squawking, a train, maybe you hear something that you recognize, and each time that you use this method, that sound pops up. This can grant you insight to triggers that you didn't realize in your conscious mind. So, just like any exercise, you have to practice it until it just comes to you with ease when you need it. Noise canceling headphones help. One more bit, the Four Agreements may help change your perceptions, if you let it. On YouTube, they have the audiobooks for free. Don Miguel Ruiz is the author. Best wishes on your journey, you are strong, a survivor, and only you hold the key to the lock in your mind.
| |||||||
|
Another Earthling Registered: 01/16/18 Posts: 285 Loc: Colorado USA Last seen: 1 year, 5 days |
| ||||||
|
I'm not trying to be critical of you in anyway, OK? I need you to understand this but things you say seem to contradict each other. Sometimes in a single thought. Based on what you've shared, what you're describing does sound like intrusive thoughts to some degree and there seems to be some sort of dissociation going on. You say that your brain is operating at 20%. If this is true, this is not a good thing and needs to be looked into. With that much loss of cognitive functioning, something is going on. How's your diet? Are you eating a lot of crappy carbs?
Being suicidal means consumed with the thought of taking your own life and if you're developing plans, you need to speak with someone right away. But thoughts of you dying or being killed are not true signs of suicidal ideation. You have state medical care. I'd suggest being evaluated by someone qualified but I'd definitely warn to being very careful what medications they might want to put you on because they are not the answer. Poor brain function is a sign of poor nutrition unless something is wrong biologically. As far as fearing death from from eating one meal a day, I've been eating one meal a day for almost a year now. It's called intermittent fasting and the developing science behind it is mind blowing. It promotes autophogy. Check out Dr David Sinclair and his work. There are other experts, but I suggest starting with him, then begin to check out others. And I've fasted for as long as 30 days. By day 4, I was burning ketones and never felt better in my life. Our brain LOVES ketones. It's a much more efficient fuel for the body snd mind. Check out Dr Dominic D'agostino and his work. He launched his career by creating a ketone supplement for Navy divers for DARPA. He highly recommends intermittent fasting for as long as 3 days or more as well as calorie restriction. But with all of this said, you really do need to seriously consider being evaluated by a competent psychologist at the very least in order to at least get some idea why your mind is operating in this gear man. Something is not right and it very well be something as simple as poor nutrition, meaning the quality of the food you eat. Pasta is not food, it's fuel, it lacks nutrition. I wish you the very best for a safe recovery out of this tail spin. -------------------- personal note: "It’s fair to say I’m stepping out on a limb, but I am on the edge and that’s where it happens.”
| |||||||
|
Pipe and Paper Afternoon Registered: 10/25/16 Posts: 319 Loc: Hidden Study Last seen: 11 months, 5 days |
| ||||||
|
Some self destructive thoughts come and go for most people and I think it's normal for to go through these phases if you're any kind of three dimensional human (especially the way the world is now.) As a terminal case myself I can say there's a big difference between an occasional semi-abstract self destructive thought and that point where you're planning for things in detail and you're extremely happy. It's the purest happiness, that feeling of inevitability. That's when you really need to seek immediate help if you actually feel any value in your existence or have any quality of life whatsoever.
Otherwise probably a good idea to talk to someone anyway but don't go thinking there's something wrong with you or branding yourself suicidal. Maybe it's just a sign that you need to work some things out with a therapist that are bothering you. (In additional to terminal myself I worked in a psych unit and ER psych unit for 6 years and had to talk to pre and post suicide attempt patients on a daily basis.) -------------------- Great threads for first grows and beyond⬇️ PF Tek Quick Coir/Verm Substrate PF Cakes as Spawn Fahtlocks!(Ziplock tek) Shoeboxes What senses do we lack that we cannot see or hear another world all around us?
| |||||||
|
Resident Falconer Registered: 11/28/22 Posts: 333 Loc: Mars Last seen: 2 months, 5 days |
| ||||||
|
Hey Mateja. I am familiar with you through your water tub tek (thank you). I also have PTSD, from the military though. I am concerned about you and hoping you're ok.
| |||||||
|
Highentist Registered: 08/29/22 Posts: 874 Last seen: 4 months, 19 days |
| ||||||
|
Mateja has been MIA for a minute, hopefully and probably he's fine out in the world doing stuff, and we'll see him again in the future.
With that said, there are some ways to control situations like this, I can't say that you'll immediately have your life changed by following them, but if you continually try to do the things I explain here, you will have better control of your emotions, internal monologue, and general happiness. I figure since this thread exists, and as Mateja is currently MIA, I can leave this here for when he comes back, and anyone else who may have similar issues and see this. So the main trick, isn't really a trick... it's just the smart thing to do. When we are having hard times, it is always exacerbated by our mind. Sometimes the problems are entirely in our mind. Sometimes it seems like the problem is strictly our mind. Whatever the circumstance, our happiness and day to day control of our emotions is regulated and dictated by our mind. How do you fix your mind betraying you with terrible thoughts everyday? Practice. First, be consciously monitoring your internal monologue all day. The stuff you say to yourself. When shits dark it may be "I wish I could blink myself out of existence and have everyone who knows me just forget me. I want to wipe myself out of history so that nobody is sad and I can disappear without causing others harm". On a lesser level, you encounter a problem and in your head you decide you can't handle it. You encounter a bit of frustration and your mind takes that to the darkest place it can go. Whatever the case, your mind will often be throwing up the worst shit at you. Partially, because that's how we force people into action when they're going through shit, by making them realize how shitty things are and that something needs to change. So the mind punishes you so that you take action and resolve the issue. What used to be a matter of life or death (I need food), and it spurned you into action so that you wouldn't die (I'm speaking evolutionarily, so in the past, before we created this world of abundance, life was do or die and everything was do or die, it isn't like that anymore). So our brain is giving us "Do or die" vibes, but in reality it's not that big of a deal, we're not going to die, everything is going to be fine. Yet the brain will grab small problems and blow them the fuck up into do or die type things. Now, this last bit isn't particularly based on study, just my own understanding of things and to set the stage for the next stuff which matters. The key to fixing this problem, is to be aware of what your mind is doing. If you constantly monitor your internal monologue, internal dialog, self talk, whatever you want to call it, then you can start to do something about it. What you need to do, is replace your negative, self defeating, thoughts with thoughts that provide you pathways to victory. Let me give you some examples. Say a car is just speeding by and driving kinda crazy. "What a fucking moron I hope he gets in a wreck", not a good thought, not a terrible thought, but better than that is "Fuck, he must really have to get where he's going, I hope he makes it there safe." That may not be the best example, but that scenario can be addressed in any number of ways. If we focus on negative stuff, we become negative and that shit is like a virus, it infects us and all those we surround ourselves with. Another example would be someone being a complete dick to you. Sometimes I'll see it happen, and I'll have to go over to the person who just got chewed out and say "Look, did you do something deserving all that rage? No. So why did they direct all that rage at you? Because they couldn't direct it at whomever they're actually mad at, and they're not good at controlling themselves." It doesn't mean you don't get pissed at people, it means you always give people the benefit of the doubt and assume they've got a reason for being a jackass that isn't related to you. I want to be clear, I'm not saying every asshole deserves you to assume they're an angel. I'm saying if it's the first or second time someone is being shitty, assume there are reasons for it. Maybe they argued with the wife that morning, maybe someone in their life is struggling, maybe they're struggling. What I know is this, whoever is angry and being a dick, is not as happy as I am, and them being a dick isn't going to impact my happiness, because I won't allow it to. Ultimately, we all allow ourselves to be pissed. Did a voice just go up an octave? That means I should work to calm the situation, not get louder myself. This is a bit of an aside from what I was trying to get at, but I'm going to leave it in here with hopes that it provides some utility rather than distraction. To give a slightly better example. The other day I had a bacterial monotub (my first mono so far), and when I was informed of what happened, this was my response. We can alter our perspectives. I don't default to happy thoughts and positive vibes, or at least I didn't until I read some books and figured this out. I used to have tons of struggles and problems mentally that seemed uncontrollable, yet something manageable only becomes that way because you figure out how to treat it. Your mental health is manageable. You can improve it. It starts with fixing your self talk. Now, I could ramble a lot more about this, I'm long winded and have the time. Yet, I don't think I'd be able to make as much progress as some videos could. Ultimately, this is a mix of CBT, positive self talk, and the growth mindset. These are 3 very valuable things to study, and while the information they give you may be superior and call for different things than exactly what I've written here, you can manage this stuff. Now I'm going to link to a lot of videos, a whoooooole lot of videos. If you're really going through it and happen upon this post, you'll have a lot of help figuring out exactly what I'm getting at here. So, having said all of that, and trying to read it back it seems like my advice is a bit less direct than I need it to be. To put it simply, monitor your mind all hours of the day. When things go dark, inject positive thoughts, not random positive things but positive replies. "This is going to take all fucking day". "I am going to have this done by the end of the day, then I don't need to deal with it for a long time". "This fucking sucks and I want to die", "This is annoying but it'll be over soon". Instead of reveling in our frustration, tame that shit and inject some positivity. I've got 1hr and 15m or so of videos here, the first 3 are short though, 2 min, 5 min, 10 min. The last 3 are longer, but more helpful probably. I strongly suggest, that if you are actually have some struggles right now, and you want to change things, give these videos some time. Take notes. Write out what you've learned or want to take from it. Write out how you're going to do it. Do as much as you can. You are worth it, and it will absolutely help. Fixing your mental health is worth so very, very much, so put the time in. Put the work in. Do what you must, to be who you actually are, not who your mind has you feeling like. First, something that I feel sets the entire stage for all of this. The parable of maybe. This is not only for children, not at all. Growth mindset Positive self talk Cognative distortions (CBT type stuff) Catastrophizing Intrusive thoughts I highly recommend the channel Therapy in a Nutshell, she covers so much more than just what I'm talking about here. There's an endless amount of things out there to help us all, we just have to know which help out there is going to be viable for us. We can watch tons of videos and none of them may spark what we need, but there is something out there that will. So keep searching. I only figured all this shit out because I make more money thanks to my studying all of this. It can be hard to personally motivate ourselves for betterment, but if you think about the ways improving your mental health will improve your bank account, it can be beneficial to frame it like that and highly incentivise yourself. Also, there's always a possiblity you have an undiagnosed mental condition, I had one for over 30 years without knowing it. Figuring it out made myself and my entire family make a lot more sense. I'd ramble a lot about all of that and how to figure it out, but then I'd have to get into too many personal things and I've already rambled for infinity. I hope this helps someone though, don't give up on betterment. Watch some videos, decide what you need to do to change your reality. Use the tools you've worked hard to grow to help you as well. Lastly, remember, nothing changes in a day. Little changes in a week. There can be small changes in a month. It's going to take a few months before you really start bashing down shitty thoughts and replacing them with positive, growth oriented thoughts almost every time. Yet it will become your standard, if you keep trying at it. If you're familiar with meditating, what is that? Monitoring your mind, and eliminating your thoughts to achieve some inner peace and mental rest. What am I suggesting here? Monitoring your mind and replacing your negative thoughts with positive or growth oriented thoughts. What is that? Well, it's basically an extended branch of meditation in my view. It's a logical next step. Maybe intentional lived meditation would be a decent term for it, but considering I didn't make it up and others definitely do this shit, perhaps I shouldn't be naming things. Conceptually I think that may help others understand what I'm suggesting better though. Either way, for everyone reading this now or in the future, you got this shit. Believe in yourself, make your mind your ally, and get back to living! edit - and if you can't watch every video at the same time, remember this post and get back to it when you have time. Then look into other stuff on the subject doing your own self study. You're worth it! -------------------- If you've never grown mushrooms before, here's how you start. First, follow the Updated PF Tek, put 4 holes in jar lids not 1, and use a water tub! The next move is Shoebox Tek. After that you move onto grains, agar, monotubs. Agar is easy, just do it. Other useful links - Picture guide for how things should look and proper surface conditions guide Growing APE or PE? P9 pseudo casing tek Edited by Excess Taters (01/18/23 04:35 PM)
| |||||||
|
Newly enrolled Registered: 11/30/22 Posts: 180 Last seen: 4 days, 23 hours |
| ||||||
|
I was diagnosed 7yrs ago. I still search for relief myself (hard to finds sometimes). Thinking is overrated so i try not to think too much. IME trying to understand something not fully understandable drives me nuts and i have to let things be and let go. Just try to find peace. Im with social anxiety too due to not being able to leave the house alot in the past 6yrs so the confrontation with people and feeling that "people watch and know" hasnt and idk if will go away, i just dont get out much, but im past the point of caring almost and most people are so self absorbed into their life and what they are doing to care about little ole me so i try not to waste time worrying about. Nonetheless wish you well, i send good/chill vibes. Peace 🙏👍✌️🙂🍄
| |||||||
|
Chaotic Neutral Registered: 08/17/21 Posts: 884 Last seen: 5 months, 22 days |
| ||||||
|
Wow another hermit 👋
I also have these fantasies usually it's when I'm driving. And think what if I had a head on with that semi I see driving by. Other times my family is a victim of home invasion and I'm the only survivor. To turn to a life of revenge. Never considered suicide. Such a waste
| |||||||
|
Resident Falconer Registered: 11/28/22 Posts: 333 Loc: Mars Last seen: 2 months, 5 days |
| ||||||
Quote: Just to put people's mind at ease, Mateja got back to me through DM. He's alright and just needed a break from social media.
| |||||||
|
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs Registered: 05/12/07 Posts: 69,310 Loc: The Inexpressible... Last seen: 4 hours, 41 minutes |
| ||||||
|
So what you have is called violent intrusive thoughts. Its basically unwanted violent-related thoughts that you cannot control. I wouldn't say they are suicidal thoughts per say, its more like disturbing thoughts related to dangerous or painful situations. Typical suicidal thoughts are things like hating yourself when you look in the mirror, being extremely depressed about life and actively and consciously planning on how to hurt yourself in various ways, etc. Its a bit different from intrusive thoughts.
Some basic info on intrusive thoughts: https://www.msn.com/en-us/healt Another good source: https://www.healthline.com/heal The two major causes are PTSD (which it sounds like you have) and OCD. I actually have some of this condition, but its a mild version. Im a bit OCD so occasionally I have intrusive thoughts about things like razor blades, knives or other sharp objects (needles are the worst). I recommend getting into mindful meditation. With lots of practice and experience, mindful meditation is extremely helpful for dealing with intrusive thoughts. Mindful meditation can allow you to recognize an intrusive thought but not to engage or "participate" in it. You become a 3rd person bystander instead of a 1st person experiencer. But its something you have to practice regularly to get to that 3rd person perspective. Meditation is a skill that requires maintenance but the result will be very beneficial to you. Also, if you havent already, I recommend experimenting with different psychedelics, either in microdoses or infrequent larger doses. Psychedelics like mushrooms can "reset" the brain from issues caused by PTSD and other related mental issues and can be very beneficial, in the right context. Just make sure to do lots of research on psychedelics before partaking in them. I hope this helps. ![]() Edit: i just realized how old this thread is. Thanks for the update Hyebrid -------------------- "What you must understand is that your physical dimension affects everyone in the higher dimensions as well. All things are interconnected. All things are One. Therefore, if one dimension is broken or out of balance, then all other dimensions will experience repercussions." - Pleiadian Prophecy 2020 The New Golden Age by James Carwin PROJECT BLUE BOOK ANALYSIS! (312 pages!) | Psychedelics & UFOs | Ready to Contact UFOs? | The Source on Mushrooms | Trippy Gematrix | Dj TeknoLogical | Fentanyl Test Kits R.I.P. Big Worm || The Start of the Ascension Process was 2020. Welcome to the Next Great Era of Earth 🌎🌍🌏 ![]() ![]() Oregon Eclipse Festival 2017 :: Aug 19th - 21st :: Pure Paradise ![]() ![]() Very Effective LSA Extraction Tek | 💧 Advanced Cold Water LSA Extraction Method 💧 | ![]() Mescajuana - Mescaline with Marijuana | DMT Dab Bongs | UFO Technology! Shpongle Edited by LogicaL Chaos (01/25/23 02:37 AM)
| |||||||
|
Registered: 07/14/16 Posts: 7,948 Loc: Here |
| ||||||
|
I re-read this entire thread just now thank you all so much for so many great links and explanation it's take a while to check it all out but what's important is I'm finally able to lable these things as "Intrusive thoughts" and it feels reassuring to read that many of you have experienced something similar. Im also starting to see some connections and things are becoming clearer. I know now why I've always been scared of pressure cookers or even the smallest gas cans, it took me a good 2 years or so of growing before I started feeling somewhat comfortable working with sterilizing.
I got extremely spooked one time at work in 2010 I was loading containers with these 2.5m tall gigantic gas canisters with the forklift and the floor was wet and slippery so I totally spun around on me with load and when I crashed I actually crashed with the tip of the forks perfectly into the top vents of a few of these canisters to the point of the cents were totally bent and shit, and the way the truck and the loaded ended up I was somewhat stuck inside the truck with my head inches away from what I thought was gonna be a massive explosion any second, so this sheer terror of uncertainty fucked my up more or less for life, when I'm periodically not in a good place I'm even scared to hold a lighter, sometimes when I'm on the couch or in the bed on my phone I keep a book on top of my crouch not becsuse I conceptually belive there's schnsce that the battery in the phone will explode but it's just so I will be more relaxed and not have to remind myself to breath correctly. So when I realized this I also started to become aware of the other things I get Intrusive thoughts about and basically they're not just random without context or background I think most are related to stuff that had happened or is going on. I've had psychos sending be death threats on messenger posting horrible torture videos and what not, and it's dangerous people but haven't heard from them in 2 years or so, I think they could be in prison, but that shit will make you look over your shoulder once or twice, especially if they're from the same city so the easiest thing to do is to stop going out more or less or totally avoid places where those kinds of nightmares can be encountered. Anyway just wanted say thank you all and give a quick update, I weigh around 77kg now and when I wrote this post I don't think I weiged more than 65, I've cut out alot of bad habits and I'm excersising and walking more but these things are very periodocial and I don't expect anything to completely go away but I'm hoping that this time it will at least stop increasing in intensity and start to get better but for that to happen I think I will have to do more myself and be more active in trying to repair and heal I haven't done nearly as much as I should have but I'm looking forward. I will thank some of you personally some more in PM's when I get the chance just wanted to say I appreciate everything from everyone. Peace
| |||||||
|
Resident Falconer Registered: 11/28/22 Posts: 333 Loc: Mars Last seen: 2 months, 5 days |
| ||||||
|
I'm glad you're doing better than before. Some improvement goes a very long way. I completely understand being aware of every possible hazard and every possible scenario that can play out and how that can give chills down your spine/ cause you to not be ok.
Something that really helped me was CBT therapy, but even more helpful was CPT-A therapy. CPT-A focuses more on PTSD. It is very intense and hard at first, but by the end of it, you have tools to help you in your everyday life. I hope to see you around more. Edited by Hyebrid (01/25/23 12:09 PM)
| |||||||
|
Chaotic Neutral Registered: 08/17/21 Posts: 884 Last seen: 5 months, 22 days |
| ||||||
|
Thank you for the info. Not sure if your talking to me. But I probably do have PTSD. Having a hard time finding any other phychedelics. Everyone keeps saying online that acid is more available than ever. But I cant find a tab
| |||||||
|
Chaotic Neutral Registered: 08/17/21 Posts: 884 Last seen: 5 months, 22 days |
| ||||||
|
Lol I just reread some previous posts and seems your talking to someone else. I'll assume your knowledge is for everyone and thank you
| |||||||
|
Resident Falconer Registered: 11/28/22 Posts: 333 Loc: Mars Last seen: 2 months, 5 days |
| ||||||
Quote: I was talking to OP (Mateja) but yes anyone who has PTSD can benefit from CBT and CPT-A therapies. CBT therapy is great for reframing negative thought patterns, and CPT-A focuses on the traumatic events and how to reframe those in a way where it takes the spicyness out of the "spicy nostalgia" as I like to say. CBT is a traditional back and forth conversation, where CPT-A incorporates assignments and essay writing along with CBT. I am starting EMDR therapy March 1st, and am told that it is extremely helpful for PTSD. Edited by Hyebrid (01/25/23 05:32 PM)
| |||||||
|
Registered: 07/14/16 Posts: 7,948 Loc: Here |
| ||||||
|
I think you're gonna notice the benefits of EMDR within the first 3 sessions and it's not always easy to notice the effects, at times I feel a lot more peaceful when I leave the treatment center and at times I feel the after effects a bit in the body it just feels a bit uncomfortable but it passes soon.
I'm sure most people know how EMDR works but I will just clarify one thing and hopefully whoever wants to experiment with it on their own (it's very possible) then you will k ow how to do it on your own. My psychologist explains it as when you're eyes are moving laterally and scanning left and right across huge distances that also sends a message to your subconscious that you are standing or walking out in the open space (meaning your brain is registering that you are apparently not 'afraid' of being out in the open where you will be noticed) if your eyes on the other hand are moving in many directions across short distances then than can indicate to your brain that you are in a confined space and possibly you are there to hide from immenent danger and this affects the Amygdala and can even stimulate it to grow u porportionally large. This explanation makes perfect sense to me, so I have figured that if I was to start walking daily to work with my EMDR out in nature I would probably choose an open area such as a huge valley between two mountains over a dense forestår any kind of forest for that matter. I believe that you really want to send a message to your brain through your eyes that you are not even trying to hide inside a forest but that you are as much out in the open as possible if that makes sense?
| |||||||
|
Registered: 07/14/16 Posts: 7,948 Loc: Here |
| ||||||
Quote: Hey! Can I ask why you believe that you have PTSD? I don't expect you to share anything personal I'm just wondering if you have experienced something traumatic during one even like for example getting shot or being in a car accident (typical PTSD) or if you have experienced for example being threatened repeated times during prolonged periods or having experienced traumatic events over and over which can absolutely result in CPTSD (COMPLEX-PTSD) which sounds very similar to PTSD but it's actually something only remotely related to PTSD and has to be treated in a completely different way as I'm learning. I guess I'm asking you Hyebrid the same question, I'm curious about how you guys perceive your conditions and possibly what's caused it and as mentioned I don't expect y'all to share what you don't wish to share. Peace
| |||||||
|
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs Registered: 05/12/07 Posts: 69,310 Loc: The Inexpressible... Last seen: 4 hours, 41 minutes |
| ||||||
|
Hey Mateja!
Glad to hear that you are doing a lot better and actually responded back to an old thread. Sometimes users will just disappear and it leaves everyone in the thread confused as to what happened. Your comeback is much appreciated! That story about the gas canisters is scary as fuck! I would have PTSD from that as well. Being in a situation that puts your life at risk scars people for life. Having paranoid thoughts about small containers from that experience is totally understandable. A lot of people will develop phobias from interactions with certain things that put their lives in danger (snakes for example). One time I drove from Washington to Oregon (USA) in the middle of Winter, during a snow blizzard. Driving on that freeway in those conditions at night was one of the scariest experiences of my life. I never want to repeat it ever again and I have some PTSD from that experience. Same with driving in freezing rain that just happened in December. Awful weather! And your story about people giving you death threats online. That would make anyone paranoid! I once got a phone call from an online ad I had for selling a bike about some guy who clearly had violent thoughts. He was threating me over the phone, a complete stranger, real bizarre stuff. Those kinds of experiences will put most people on edge for days or even weeks afterwards. But back to you, it sounds like you are figuring things out and doing some self-healing. Thats great news! Abombs, i was replying to Mateja (the OP) but its advice for anyone suffering from similar experiences really.
| |||||||
|
Resident Falconer Registered: 11/28/22 Posts: 333 Loc: Mars Last seen: 2 months, 5 days |
| ||||||
Quote: For me it was 2 events that happened 6 months apart from one another. I was electrocuted and received a traumatic brain injury. It was an accident that could have easily been prevented by my leadership who didn't heed my warnings of the unsafe conditions and ordered me to proceed. The next incident involved a training mishap that ended in a very gruesome death of another military member which also could have been prevented with proper training and leadership present at the time. I went 14-15 years without addressing it and pretending like it didn't bother me, until I hit rock bottom with a gun in my mouth in July 2021. Up until maybe 3 months ago, this would have been hard to talk about and I would be embarrassed to admit it...but it's good to talk about even if I do go into full fight/flight/freeze shivers. Kind of why I got worried about you after discovering this was your last thread before disappearing. Edited by Hyebrid (01/25/23 10:19 PM)
| |||||||
|
Chaotic Neutral Registered: 08/17/21 Posts: 884 Last seen: 5 months, 22 days |
| ||||||
|
I may have been on a trip when I said i thought I had PTSD. I think I am now thinking some sort of trauma thing. A doctor had suggested schizotypal personality disorder. But that was after a couple short conversations following months of going on and off meds to trip heavily.
Mines not as exciting. I feel like I grew up lonely a good household in the country. My parents worked long hours operating the home business. They fought often things often got broken. I had good friends growing up as long as they were on there own. If there were two or more they would anyways bully me together in typical 90s kid fashion. When I got to high school I made new friends and we liked to get drunk and high together have find memories of those years. Then after getting into a good job and meeting nice cute women and started making a family. She got depressed and blackout drank and mentally twisted me for 7 years. I became bitter and depressed and also drank for a while. Became An alcoholic then exercise junky then abused steroids and then pot. Now alternative states of concousness. You now know more about me than any on person on the planet. Though which is also probably why I can't seem to get help Forgot to add. The bullying by friends in groups has left unable to attend group functions. The more loved ones around the worse. Also the ex would get shitfaced and be an obnoxious hitch at every function. So a bunch friends out family plus drunk wife 🤬 Edited by Abombs (01/26/23 01:00 AM)
| |||||||
|
Chaotic Neutral Registered: 08/17/21 Posts: 884 Last seen: 5 months, 22 days |
| ||||||
|
The things I experienced on one of my recent trips would probably have nearly destroyed most.
| |||||||
| |||||||
| Shop: |
|
| Similar Threads | Poster | Views | Replies | Last post | ||
![]() |
Suicidal thoughts... *DELETED* ( |
4,952 | 23 | 11/20/04 10:12 PM by Druginduced | ||
![]() |
Suicidal Thoughts | 3,987 | 10 | 03/08/03 07:00 PM by carbonhoots | ||
![]() |
To those who ever wished to commit suicide. ( |
64,971 | 52 | 09/30/18 12:31 AM by danish322 | ||
![]() |
when is suicide an answer? | 2,641 | 10 | 05/19/03 11:04 PM by Anonymous | ||
![]() |
Contemplating Suicide | 1,821 | 7 | 05/20/03 08:34 PM by daba | ||
![]() |
PTSD and the meds that come with it | 722 | 2 | 11/14/07 06:55 PM by mushroomplume | ||
![]() |
suicide hotline? | 4,859 | 18 | 02/18/03 09:09 AM by wyldtouch69 | ||
![]() |
My brother shot himself 8 days ago and he died in my arms ( |
3,402 | 20 | 07/11/13 08:48 PM by Adden |
| Extra information | ||
| You cannot start new topics / You cannot reply to topics HTML is disabled / BBCode is enabled Moderator: CherryBom, Rose, mndfreeze, yogabunny, feevers, CookieCrumbs, Northerner 1,219 topic views. 1 members, 0 guests and 2 web crawlers are browsing this forum. [ Show Images Only | Sort by Score | Print Topic ] | ||


|| The Start of the Ascension Process was 2020. Welcome to the Next Great Era of Earth 🌎🌍🌏 


Mescajuana - Mescaline with Marijuana
