My father was a giant raging asshole who knew how to make money as an accountant but did not know how to love, it's hard to blame him when his childhood was far worse than mine, he was abused by his father both physically and sexually (He was one of 5 brothers). He is also by far one of the most intelligent human beings I've ever met but his emotional intelligence is that of a child sometimes. I got his anger and intelligence from him, it certainly was not from my mother, bless her heart.
As soon as my grandmother found out she left him and divorced him, but the damage did to him was done, he never knew what it was like to have a loving father who would encourage him.
He did his best and I appreciate everything that he's ever done for me, but his tough love is not what I needed to grow as a human being and finally at 30 years old, with a loving partner and supporting me mentally and emotionally, I realize how damaged I really was. How angry I was, how angry I was at the world, my father, the current state of affairs, the way the future is heading, all of it pissed me off.
My mother was always a kind woman, loving, caring, compassionate, but she also let my father get away with things that even she said she regrets letting happen. All of my tenderness for animals and caring/love definitely came from her. I love you so much Mom. I wish I could see and hug you every day....
But....I was a rat in a cage. They did not let me do anything as a young teen, my older sister was the crazy one partying from ages 13-16 and raging and they "learned" from her to not let me go out and do shit, essentially. Being nearly 3 years older than me, that was enough time for me to get cut off from doing the same shit she did.
It forced me to sneak out to have fun with friends (Even harmless fun like playing video games), it forced me to turn off my phone and to do whatever I wanted. It forced me to be somebody I didn't want to be, otherwise I would have just been trapped in that house with white walls and nothing else on them. Nothing creative, no colors, no art, nothing. White walls.
My lover, bless her heart, turned me onto Art, onto being creative, into drawing, into playing the keyboard, into light shows, tapestries and so much more.
She showed me another side of life I never knew, never had, never could appreciate. She saved me from a very deep and dark path of rage and destruction.
I have not always been the best man, the most kind, sometimes uncaring and at times perhaps even cruel. I regret all of those things, I wish I was a better man.
I want to be a better man. I want to be better. I want to do better. Every day I want to be a little bit better than the last.
I am on a journey to become healthier in both mind and body. I welcome you to join me or if you feel like you are at the peak, feel free to share your experience on how you got there.
Peace.
-------------------- Lead by example, words mean little when your actions don't reflect what you say. Spread kindness, love, empathy, compassion. Learn from mistakes. Try and do better. Each day is a new day, try to make it a better one. Coconut and Avocado is awesome for the skin. MIND OVER MATTER

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