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Anonymous #1
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Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner
#27617303 - 01/13/22 11:46 AM (2 years, 15 days ago) |
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31yo male and, like the title says, I'm coming to realize that I am somewhere on the asexual spectrum.
Since I was very young, I've always felt like I valued sex way less than what I perceived in others. I went through a period in my late teens and 20s where sex was more interesting, but it was also heavily tied to my MDMA abuse and almost entirely within the confines of a single relationship that spanned from ages 18-21.
Since then, sex is almost completely uninteresting for me. I stayed single for a few years before getting back together with my ex (big mistake), we broke up again, and a few months later I met someone who I really hit it off with, but I still just wasn't interested in sex. For her sake, I tried, but eventually my lack of interest became apparent. We broke off our engagement 1.5 years ago and I've been single since.
Now I'm finding myself wanting a partner, but not for sex. I want someone to come home to, cook meals with, plan vacations, all the things that people do with their SO's, but I don't know how to approach relationships given that most have a reasonable expectation of sexual attraction to their partner.
The more I settle into acceptance of this facet of my identity, the lonelier and more isolated I feel. How am I ever supposed to find a compatible partner this way?
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gopher
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#27618086 - 01/14/22 04:20 AM (2 years, 14 days ago) |
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Dating profiles, say friends only, say you are ace, looking for a roommate, lgbt dating sites might have some aces
Its tough, you are probably going to have to put effort into this like you are searching for a dream job
Ask an ace subreddit, they probably have better tips then me or anyone else on shroomery
-------------------- For most of the normies out there, an operating system is just a bootloader for Google Chrome. Since Disney has obtained tremendous value from the public domain, knows how important the public domain is, and is firmly determined to never contribute anything to it. My pronouns are He and Him, and my adjectives are Fat and Jazzy
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gopher
Coffee Bean Extraordinaire



Registered: 11/22/17
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: gopher]
#27618087 - 01/14/22 04:22 AM (2 years, 14 days ago) |
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I almost relate, not really, but I'm subby, and most girls expect the guy to be Dom, so it can seem like I'm not into the sex if I feel pressured to take control
-------------------- For most of the normies out there, an operating system is just a bootloader for Google Chrome. Since Disney has obtained tremendous value from the public domain, knows how important the public domain is, and is firmly determined to never contribute anything to it. My pronouns are He and Him, and my adjectives are Fat and Jazzy
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: gopher]
#27618194 - 01/14/22 07:38 AM (2 years, 14 days ago) |
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Quote:
gopher said: Dating profiles, say friends only, say you are ace, looking for a roommate, lgbt dating sites might have some aces
Its tough, you are probably going to have to put effort into this like you are searching for a dream job
Ask an ace subreddit, they probably have better tips then me or anyone else on shroomery
Your suggestion of a subreddit is a great one, thank you for your thought-out advice.
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oursoulsinmotion
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: Anonymous #1]
#27618404 - 01/14/22 11:01 AM (2 years, 14 days ago) |
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CreonAntigone
Stranger

Registered: 05/30/21
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: gopher]
#27622996 - 01/17/22 09:56 PM (2 years, 10 days ago) |
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Quote:
gopher said: Dating profiles, say friends only, say you are ace, looking for a roommate, lgbt dating sites might have some aces
Its tough, you are probably going to have to put effort into this like you are searching for a dream job
Ask an ace subreddit, they probably have better tips then me or anyone else on shroomery
This leads me to an interesting question.
In a hypothetical asexual couple, what separates it from close friendship? Is there anything concrete? Usually levels of touch and intimacy are used to designate this for non-ace people.
Friends can be hypothetically as dedicated as an ace-couple. Is there some kind of exclusivity, and what kind would it be?
Honestly the idea of 'friends only' dating really intrigues me - to conceive of dating as merely seeking for different sorts of friendship. This escapes the baggage of dating. I have no desire for sex so I have been dealing with the very same issues as OP.
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gopher
Coffee Bean Extraordinaire



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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: CreonAntigone]
#27623177 - 01/18/22 04:46 AM (2 years, 10 days ago) |
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I dont know, I'm not ace, but if I was I'd imagine I'd still like stuff like cuddling, but then again, I'd cuddle with friends so
-------------------- For most of the normies out there, an operating system is just a bootloader for Google Chrome. Since Disney has obtained tremendous value from the public domain, knows how important the public domain is, and is firmly determined to never contribute anything to it. My pronouns are He and Him, and my adjectives are Fat and Jazzy
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: CreonAntigone]
#27623261 - 01/18/22 07:51 AM (2 years, 10 days ago) |
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Quote:
CreonAntigone said:
Quote:
gopher said: Dating profiles, say friends only, say you are ace, looking for a roommate, lgbt dating sites might have some aces
Its tough, you are probably going to have to put effort into this like you are searching for a dream job
Ask an ace subreddit, they probably have better tips then me or anyone else on shroomery
This leads me to an interesting question.
In a hypothetical asexual couple, what separates it from close friendship? Is there anything concrete? Usually levels of touch and intimacy are used to designate this for non-ace people.
Friends can be hypothetically as dedicated as an ace-couple. Is there some kind of exclusivity, and what kind would it be?
Honestly the idea of 'friends only' dating really intrigues me - to conceive of dating as merely seeking for different sorts of friendship. This escapes the baggage of dating. I have no desire for sex so I have been dealing with the very same issues as OP.
This is a great question and one I am still working out for myself. I very much enjoy cuddling with a partner and kissing, but that's about where my physically intimate interests end. What I really crave though are the other aspects of a long-term relationship - the closeness that comes with living closely with another person, celebrating in their successes and lifting them up in challenging times, enjoying holidays together, planning vacations, just building up a life together.
I guess for me, what then separates a relationship from a friendship is the commitment to a life built up together; I might seek friends' advice about major life changes, but I'm ultimately going to make decisions that are right for me. In a relationship, this means making sure my decisions are right for *us*.
As a side note, I was interested to learn that some people consider themselves 'grey' aces, meaning they have little to no intrinsic interest in sex but are willing to engage in it (and may even enjoy it) to fulfill their partner's needs. I don't consider myself to be in this category but it indicates to me that each person needs to decide for themselves where their boundary between friendship and relationship lies.
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CreonAntigone
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Registered: 05/30/21
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: Anonymous #1]
#27624021 - 01/18/22 09:51 PM (2 years, 9 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #1 said: This is a great question and one I am still working out for myself. I very much enjoy cuddling with a partner and kissing, but that's about where my physically intimate interests end. What I really crave though are the other aspects of a long-term relationship - the closeness that comes with living closely with another person, celebrating in their successes and lifting them up in challenging times, enjoying holidays together, planning vacations, just building up a life together.
I guess for me, what then separates a relationship from a friendship is the commitment to a life built up together; I might seek friends' advice about major life changes, but I'm ultimately going to make decisions that are right for me. In a relationship, this means making sure my decisions are right for *us*.
This is very interesting. I could see myself planning a life with friends but you're right, I wouldn't really ever consider it as an 'us' thing. But maybe I don't really want that at all, so maybe a relationship is not what I'm looking for. At the same time I do want closeness with people, a lot more than I currently have, and spending time together and emotional support.
Quote:
Anonymous #1 said: As a side note, I was interested to learn that some people consider themselves 'grey' aces, meaning they have little to no intrinsic interest in sex but are willing to engage in it (and may even enjoy it) to fulfill their partner's needs. I don't consider myself to be in this category but it indicates to me that each person needs to decide for themselves where their boundary between friendship and relationship lies.
I think gray ace is a broad term that means a lot. The first time I heard it referred to people who don't like sex but are interested in some kink things.
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dyel



Registered: 10/15/21
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: CreonAntigone] 1
#27628242 - 01/22/22 10:46 AM (2 years, 6 days ago) |
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get your sex hormones checked (testesteron free and bound, shbg and most important estrogen). now before you come at me please listen for a second, we do a lot of stuff that nukes our own hormone production (alcohol, drugs, shit sleep, shit food, lack of excercise...etc) it's just a simple blood test and should not break the bank.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: dyel]
#27628636 - 01/22/22 04:06 PM (2 years, 6 days ago) |
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Quote:
dyel said: get your sex hormones checked (testesteron free and bound, shbg and most important estrogen). now before you come at me please listen for a second, we do a lot of stuff that nukes our own hormone production (alcohol, drugs, shit sleep, shit food, lack of excercise...etc) it's just a simple blood test and should not break the bank.
1) I've felt this way since I was a little kid, so I'm pretty sure alcohol and drugs have nothing to do with it, and nothing else you mentioned is a problem for me. 2) I don't consider my lack of interest in sex a problem so why would I spend a second or a penny on a blood test?
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r3volution.gurl



Registered: 10/20/21
Posts: 6,250
Loc: Canada
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: Anonymous #1]
#27630197 - 01/23/22 09:25 PM (2 years, 4 days ago) |
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Quote:
gopher said: Dating profiles, say friends only, say you are ace, looking for a roommate, lgbt dating sites might have some aces
Its tough, you are probably going to have to put effort into this like you are searching for a dream job
This is the best advice on this matter imo.
I wish you to find exactly what you're looking for OP. Not easy, but totally possible.
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  "Souls love. That’s what souls do. Egos don’t, but souls do. Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed-all the beings around you are souls. Be one, see one. When many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet. We will be one. One love. And don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies: it’s all one. It’s one energy." -Ram Dass
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CaptainTrips420
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: gopher]
#27630572 - 01/24/22 06:27 AM (2 years, 4 days ago) |
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Quote:
gopher said: I dont know, I'm not ace, but if I was I'd imagine I'd still like stuff like cuddling, but then again, I'd cuddle with friends so 
I don’t think it’s defined by physical intimacy. I have done sexual things with friends before but didn’t date them. Like friends with benefits but I actually feel the opposite of OP. I want someone to have sex with no strings attached. I think I should have sex with prostitutes because it’s so much better and cheaper than dating someone. If you date someone you have to buy them food and listen to their problems and they talk and talk. I just want to have sex then they leave me alone. “A prostitute is like every other woman they all trade something for sex and they do it well” But seriously I can’t stop thinking about OP he wants exactly what I don’t like about dating someone. Plus I don’t like to be emotionally involved because I always get my heart broken.
Edited by CaptainTrips420 (01/24/22 06:31 AM)
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gopher
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: CaptainTrips420]
#27630596 - 01/24/22 06:43 AM (2 years, 4 days ago) |
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I think prostitutes are nifty too, but its not because I dont enjoy dating, its because of my codependency, and my weirdness, I'll start shoving the person I'm dating in my God shaped hole, and I'm afraid of a new date thinking I'm too weird, so just going in for the sex and not hanging out with the person solves that problem
That's why I'm so comfortable around my ex, she's known me for 10 years, knows all my weirdnesses and is pretty cool with it, but we don't find each other sexually attractive anymore (we both got fat, we both used to be skin and bones when we met), so we are just friends
-------------------- For most of the normies out there, an operating system is just a bootloader for Google Chrome. Since Disney has obtained tremendous value from the public domain, knows how important the public domain is, and is firmly determined to never contribute anything to it. My pronouns are He and Him, and my adjectives are Fat and Jazzy
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CaptainTrips420
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: gopher]
#27630606 - 01/24/22 06:57 AM (2 years, 4 days ago) |
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OP do I’m curious do you masturbate? If you do do you not think of sex? I find it hard to masturbate without thinking about sex and I masturbate up to 5 times a day. But sometimes I don’t for as long as a week.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: CaptainTrips420]
#27630898 - 01/24/22 11:47 AM (2 years, 4 days ago) |
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Quote:
CaptainTrips420 said: OP do I’m curious do you masturbate? If you do do you not think of sex? I find it hard to masturbate without thinking about sex and I masturbate up to 5 times a day. But sometimes I don’t for as long as a week.
Very seldom (a few times a year?) and I take no enjoyment from it. It's more just like biology won't stop and I don't know any other way to make my dick stop being hard. I always feel really gross after. The goal when I do masturbate is to finish as fast as humanly possible and get on with my life. I do use porn for visual stimulation but I have zero desire whatsoever to participate in whatever I'm watching.
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CaptainTrips420
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: Anonymous #1]
#27631045 - 01/24/22 02:04 PM (2 years, 4 days ago) |
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I haven’t ever meet anyone that just doesn’t find sex sexy. I thought it was like part of everyone like I thought everyone feels some sexual desires. Did something happen that changed how you felt about sexuality? You said you felt this way as a kid but what about it makes you disgusted? It is kinda nasty if you think to hard about it but seeing a woman in pleasure really makes me horny. Also I love the feeling of it. Do you not feel like the pleasure outways the disgust you feel? It’s honestly a better feeling than most drugs in my opinion.
I too half to work on self disgust because I can’t do gay things without feeling guilty or disgusted with myself. I’m somewhat bi sexual but definitely prefer women. I understand how you feel a little after I watch gay porn and masterbate I feel this sadness in me. Idk maybe I’m just not gay. I’m somewhat of a manwhore I would sleep with almost anyone who wanted to but not if it was for love or something I just want sex with no strings attached it’s actually hard to find because they always want to date eventually. It’s been years since I dated anyone and I haven’t had legit sex I have had oral and hand stuff but never real sex.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: CaptainTrips420]
#27631326 - 01/24/22 06:23 PM (2 years, 3 days ago) |
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Nothing happened to change how I feel; I've mostly always felt the same about it. The general premise that sex = pleasure is what has never sat right with me. I don't get any pleasure out of sex. To me, it's just work. Zero fun whatsoever. It's not so much that I find sex "disgusting" as much as I just find it uninteresting and a waste of time and energy. I would rather be doing almost anything else. Video games, bass fishing, calculus homework, cleaning my house, freaking anything.
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Shrooms4menow
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#27692161 - 03/12/22 07:49 AM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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an asexual spectrum seems contradictory- woldn't you just be on a sexual spectrum?
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Coming to terms with being Ace but wanting a partner [Re: Shrooms4menow]
#27692664 - 03/12/22 03:40 PM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
Shrooms4menow said: an asexual spectrum seems contradictory- woldn't you just be on a sexual spectrum?
Well, I think we all know what he means, and that's the important part.
I am Anon #8 here: https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/27673250/fpart/3/vc/1 And my only advice, is please don't fake it. There are definitely wonderful women who feel the same! We only have one life, and if you trick a horny girl into marriage everything may be acceptable, but neither of you are living true to your needs.
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