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Invisiblercraft
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Registered: 02/06/22
Posts: 31
Level 5 Shrooms, Solo Arrogance. Second trip went south. * 1
    #27665845 - 02/20/22 02:18 AM (4 months, 7 days ago)

Long story short: Tripping alone without experience is dangerous, as many many people here warned. I thought that I could do it alone and navigate anything, that I'd learned enough mechanisms to maintain control and redirect. I am grateful to have had someone to call, though they were an hour away.

Now that it has been a couple of days, I am feeling better about it. I feel so humbled by what I went through. The power of mushrooms deserves respect. I need to prepare even better for big trips in the future, if I decide that I need to go that deep again. I will likely explore lower doses, but not for a while.


----------
Background
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A week ago, I took my first trip using my first successful flush, just under 2 grams. It was a very enjoyable experience, but it fell short of what I was going for. I would say it took me to level 2. The day was perfect, beautiful. I experienced a good afterglow for the whole week after. I was already trying to plan my next dose. To this point, nobody in my life knows what I've been doing. I didn't plan on telling anybody, either. I thought that I'd spent enough time here, and spent many many months preparing myself for the potential experiences.

My desire was to learn. About myself, about existence, and all of that stuff. I thought it would help me renew motivation or discover some insights about how I should grow and live my life. I wanted to experience ego death. To look so deep into myself that there would be no self. I wanted to see the indescribable.


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Everything is Awesome
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On Thursday, I measured out 5.8 grams. Melted some chocolate and mixed in the crushed, dried cubes, then cooled it in the fridge. At 5PM, it was consumed. I took a warm shower, put on my favorite clothes. Brought my headphones, pulled up a 3 hour psych mix without ads. I made sure my dog was fed and walked. I had the house to myself the whole weekend. Nobody would need me until after the trip was over at 11pm or 12pm. I had fasted since a light breakfast. I was in a wonderful, happy mood. I raised my bed to a reading position, closed the door, turned off the lights except for a small warm lamp in case I needed to get up.

At 5:30 I was working on getting into a good starting point to explore. I was browsing the top posts of the year in /r/spaceporn for inspiration.

Then I put the headphones on, and closed my eyes to start enjoying the trip. Everything started off really well. As the waves hit me, I started crying and smiling, and feeling pure euphoria. I kept on saying "thank you". So grateful to be experiencing this feeling. I was immersed in the feeling that everything is good. Everything! I was reaching up to my face to feel the tears and wipe them away. My body was vibrating and tingling. I was curling my toes and hands, giggling to myself.

But I wanted more. I started trying to ask questions. Why are we here? What is reality? I asked to be shown the answers. I didn't really hear anything back, but I accepted that I needed to wait a bit longer. It hadn't been that long yet. I returned to enjoying the body high and waves of euphoria.

There was some nausea at this point, but nothing that bad. Keeping still was enough. At a couple of points, I wanted to lay down more, so I'd try to reset my bed to the laying position, except it triggered a bit of nausea and gas. I had some major burping episodes. Putting the bed back up was the right call. I started getting very comfortable.

As I went deeper, thoughts kept trying to pull me back to reality. I reassured myself that I would be back, I was just going away for a little while. Going on a trip. Don't worry about me, I will be ok. Like there was this feeling that people would worry about me. But I needed to go away for a while, I needed to rest. God, I hadn't rested in so long. I was cold, and pulling blankets over myself wasn't enough. I had a light fan blowing on me.

Eventually, I was overcome with the most complete and perfect enveloping warmth. I felt ultimate calm, peace, and tranquility. I could breathe in so deep, and sigh with a phenomenal relief. I was still muttering "thank you" over and over. Expressing love for my mom, my partner. But, I still asked for more. At this point, I stopped asking questions, and instead had the feeling that I wasn't supposed to ask a question. What did "it" want me to do? I don't know what "it" was -- the mushrooms, the universe? It wasn't a being with any form, or anything I recognized. I can't think of any other way to describe it. But nothing I came up with was satisfying or the right thing. Do you want me to grow and propagate spores? No... Do you want me to share this experience and bring others here? No... Several more attempts later, I felt frustrated, furrowed my brow. Maybe I just need to wait. Can you just show me?

At this point, I started running through my preparation checklists to see where I was. Walked the dog, check. Home alone, check. Water, check. Check check check. I drummed my hands together, impatiently waiting. I wanted more. I wanted to leave. I started telling my conciousness "no". "stop". "stop." "STOP". At some point the voice didn't sound like myself. I laughed at that thought. There were points in the music where words spilled out, "we are from the future, everything is going to be ok". This was also funny to me. I had enough left that I knew it was just the music.

All this time, my eyes were closed. I can't remember any distinct visuals. On the occasion that my eyes opened to reorient blankets, the room was swimming.

At some point, the music stopped. But it didn't stop, it was like I'd fallen in between the notes. Like time had stopped. I was laying, in a womb. Enveloped in warmth again, feeling so rested. Feeling an immeasurable relief and rest. I'd needed to rest for so long. I was so, so grateful. I felt like I was underneath a frozen pond, but the pond was warm. I was looking up at the surface. I was sinking, but it was ok. I felt like this was it. It was about to happen. I was about to leave and disintegrate. I said "byeeeeeeeeeee...." and it just... trailed off. I cannot put words on what transpired after that. There was no more me.


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Things go south
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The next thing I remember, I suddenly removed my headphones. I felt oddly lucid, out of nowhere. Looking at my phone, it was only 7:50. Somewhere that should have been around the peak. I was confused. I heard my dog whining at the door, and I got up to greet her. I bent down to hug her and say how much I loved her. How it was her and me, together, just the two of us, we were going to do great things. I wandered around my house, stood in random places. Not thinking about anything, just being... confused. I ran my hand through my hair and felt extremely sweaty, started getting a headache. I started wondering what was happening, was this real?

I wasn't sure where I was or what day it was. I thought about calling my mom. I felt like things were starting to go badly. But I didn't want to worry her. Eventually, I stumbled back to my bed. It's feb 17th. 7:53. I took mushrooms. The trip isn't over yet. Just go lay down.

The next things I remember were... what felt like loops. I kept on waking up, rolling around. Reminded myself - it's feb 17th. Check my phone, it's 7:58. Why is time moving so slowly? Close my eyes again. My dog is up on the bed licking me, stepping on me. I ask her to go away, I need more time. I'm still tired, I'm not ready to come back yet.

This loop repeats over, and over, and over again. Eventually I start to wonder when it is going to end. I start to worry that it is never going to end. Flashes of reality start going through my head but don't make sense. Work doesn't make sense. How am I going to go back to work on Monday? I get this overwhelming dread that I broke reality. That it's never going to be normal again, that I won't be able to return to where I started. I try to remember... I took 5.8grams at 5pm. It's 8pm. You were in bed. Feb 17th. Thursday. I tried to get back into the same position I started but I couldn't remember what that was. I thought that I was in a fever dream. Like I was really sick. The covers had no beginning and no end. I went through bouts of being drenched in sweat, and then dry. I was crying, but my eyes were dry. I drank water, but I couldn't drink water. I thought that I would be lost here forever, or I would return at the wrong point in the timeline - back in my childhood bed, recovering from sickness. Or I was a homeless person who died in the street, overdosed on fentanyl.

I feel like I've been alone for so long. Like I haven't talked to anybody in an eternity. Like I might never get to talk to anyone I love again. I tried to call out to my mom, to my dog. I miss you.


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Reaching out for help
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An amount of time passed that felt like eternity. Looking at my phone, it's now 10PM. Somehow I get enough courage to call my mom. I tell her that I need help. I took mushrooms, can you come over? Sorry I know it's late, sorry. Can you come over though? She is an hour away. She starts getting ready to leave, but I can't tell if I'm actually talking to her. Did I call her? Is this just my mind playing tricks? Nothing she is saying makes sense. I asked her to stay on the phone with me and keep talking. I think that if there is a continuity of conversation I can't get lost again.

Over the next hour, I hang up on her about 7 times and call her right back, just to check if it is real. A couple of times I wait for her to call me back. When she does, waves of relief wash over me. I keep testing her, asking questions about where she is. I ask for stories about when she was growing up. She asks me questions and tells me stories. Every time it makes sense, I get a little bit more confident that this is real.

She says she's on my street. The longest hour of my life is almost over. I'd been checking my phone thinking 15 minutes had passed but only 2 minutes had. Finally, she's almost here. I feel so much fear. What if she says she is here, and nobody is in the driveway? I see headlights. The front door opens. I hug her the hardest that I've ever hugged anyone in my life. An overwhelming sense of relief.

I spent the next hour basically sobbing into her lap. Telling her that I thought that I'd died, that I couldn't tell what was real. That I wasn't sure that I was real or she was real, or if I would ever stop feeling like this. I told her a lot of stuff that I'd never told anybody. My struggles with alcohol, and pot, and other things. She holds me and tells me it will be ok, she loves me no matter what.

I show her everything I've been doing to grow mushrooms. I comment "how fucked up is this? what the fuck and I doing? why am I like this?" I trash my small grow, but stop short of getting rid of my ability to start over.

Finally at 2AM, I am able to go to sleep. It wasn't much of a good night. I've spent the last two days trying to understand the entire experience. Why it went bad, when everything started so good.


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Reflecting
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I'm going to take a significant break from mushroooms, but I don't feel like I'm done.

I do not regret this trip. I do regret being so arrogant as to think I did not need help from anybody. I should have told my mom, and had her in the house to help in case things went bad BEFORE the trip. But I wanted the full alone experience. I thought -- the chances of it going bad are so low, I can always call her on the 1% chance that it really does go badly. Maybe it was necessary, though. The experience was surely different. I feel like I gained some insight into the types of mental problems people face, questioning reality. I didn't come away with anything really satisfying though. I kind of feel hollow. Like, there are no answers for me there. Maybe I went so deep and found the bottom, and it was just empty. I can't really put my finger on it. Maybe there is something there and I didn't reach it? Maybe my ego still got in the way and interrupted the experience? I need more time to process.


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Questions
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Does the fact that I've experienced this make me better equipped to handle it in the future? Or will any preparation we try always be thwarted in ways we can't predict? I'd like to think that my fears were due to the new experience, but worry that similar experiences will always be possible, or perhaps end even worse.



Edited by rcraft (02/20/22 03:14 AM)


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InvisibleBarnaby
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Re: Level 5 Shrooms, Solo Arrogance. Second trip went south. [Re: rcraft] * 2
    #27665851 - 02/20/22 02:52 AM (4 months, 7 days ago)

You are a young and weak man.  If you see your arrogance why fear it?  I need loved ones and my pets and friends and family.  One does not yet they are a good part of many people and their lives.

Last thing in the world I would want to be around is family and some people when in that level of consciousness.  The only bad trip I ever had was at my Mothers house.  Cats got it, they sense the heightened awareness yet so much with family doesn't like to made plain and expressed. 

There is also the first degree felony for it so that fear is warrented.

Just grow up and learn.  Nothing against just beginning and having a "sitter" as they call it nowadays yet don't put your trust in all the wrong places.  I go to nature.  It is really accepting of you and everything comes back to you and your personal existance on this earth and other things one explores.

Hope the best for you to be, think, and be yourself and explore all the wonderful possibilities one has while in time in a body.  Is quite an amazing tool to use.  We are eternal.  Life has great meaning but is just a blink to it. 

Is fun to be here.


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Invisiblejack_straw2208
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Re: Level 5 Shrooms, Solo Arrogance. Second trip went south. [Re: rcraft] * 2
    #27665855 - 02/20/22 03:10 AM (4 months, 7 days ago)

I think it is crazy to purposely take enough psychedelics to disolve one's sense of self, akin to bungee jumping or skydiving.

I'm not sure there is much inherent value in the experience beyond the thrill.

Plenty of folks who don't do drugs seem to "get it" and plenty of folks who do psychedelics seem very much to not "get it"

I think low to moderate doses can be fun, it's okay to be thrilled but still be able to hold a conversation with a relatively sober person..

It is very rare that a person's tripping insights are able to be communicated/integrated to the non-tripping mind (even to one's self), but tripping is almost always fun if you don't overdo it.

Not all mindfucks are enjoyable or even useful. The real trip is that you're lucky enough to have someone in your life that will drive an hour in the middle of the night to care for your trippin ass.

I would stick to lower doses and maybe look into meditation or like Tai Chi or something if you want "answers".

If you are going to take high doses without a sitter, make sure to have a benzo on hand.

Well written trip report. It's okay to get high though, everything doesn't have to be this mystical quest for sacred knowledge, but even if it was, there are many more efficient routes than psychedelics, IMO.


--------------------
If you can’t tell what you desperately need, it’s probably sleep.


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OfflineDave Bowman
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Re: Level 5 Shrooms, Solo Arrogance. Second trip went south. [Re: Barnaby] * 3
    #27665856 - 02/20/22 03:11 AM (4 months, 7 days ago)

Man, that sounds like a really rough time, especially getting your mom involved.  I take it she isn't too fond of drug use?

It sounds like you've done a lot of research in other areas, why would you think over doubling the dosage for only your second trip would be a good idea?  They even have a dosage calculator on this site and I don't think a Level 3 or even 4 would have suggested over 5 grams.

I'm honestly not trying to be an asshole, but as you can see these things are fucking powerful and should be respected.  If you didn't get what you were looking for at under 2g, maybe 2.5g or 3g or the dose I started with 3.5g would have been better for only your second time.

I hope everything is OK with you and your mom and your relationship is OK.  A break is probably good but remember when you go back and get a trip that doesn't do it for you, slow incremental dosage increases are what its about for avoiding incidents like this.

To answer your question: I think this experience will absolutely help you in the future should another one start to occur, however, it 100% doesn't prevent you from getting another experience like this again - especially if you start voyaging into (what I personally consider) heroic doses of 5+ almost 6g.

For what it's worth, I've tripped hundreds of times on LSD, some very large doses, and 95% of them solo.  The singular only "bad trip" I've ever had similar to this (extreme thought loops, extreme time distortion, 'how am I going to go back to work like this", etc.) was on 3.5g of mushrooms solo when I was relatively inexperienced - it was maybe my third or fourth trip.

For me personally, any time I've started to enter a headspace that was similar, I'll try the 'ol "scene change" and stop what I'm doing, change rooms, and it's usually pretty good and cutting it off solid before anything spirals.  This may not work for everyone, but this is my personal way of handling it.

Also for what it's worth, I've never truly had a "bad trip" ever since that solo mushroom trip many, many years ago.  Good luck.


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OfflineDave Bowman
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Re: Level 5 Shrooms, Solo Arrogance. Second trip went south. [Re: jack_straw2208] * 2
    #27665858 - 02/20/22 03:15 AM (4 months, 7 days ago)

Quote:

jack_straw2208 said:
If you are going to take high doses without a sitter, make sure to have a benzo on hand.




You were posting while I was posting but I have to come back and back this up 1000x.  I always have my "emergency eject" bar of xanax always somewhere super available "just in case" I need to terminate the trip.  I've only had to use it twice and both times I think I would have been find if I just stuck it out for 10 more minutes.

I would never, ever, ever solo trip without my emergency eject pills readily available.  It's literally the only reason I keep benzos in the house.


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Invisiblercraft
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Re: Level 5 Shrooms, Solo Arrogance. Second trip went south. [Re: Dave Bowman] * 1
    #27665864 - 02/20/22 03:31 AM (4 months, 7 days ago)

Appreciate the comments so far, thank you.

Barnaby -- I shouldn't have advised what anyone else should do, or that you "should" have certain people around to help (I edited the main post to take out that posturing). What I meant is that for me, that is what I feel would have been a better choice. I understand that there are plenty of reasons one would not want to be around family when having these experiences. I would say the same for me, for everyone in my life *except* my mother.

Quote:


I'm not sure there is much inherent value in the experience beyond the thrill.




I wasn't going into it for the thrill, but I see your perspective. There are certainly a lot of people on here who think that there *are* deep answers or insights to find on a trip :smile: But now, I don't think that I'll find anything with high doses. Definitely have been looking into other ways to seek answers - meditation, yoga, Tai Chi. Or being ok without answers, and just living in the present. Those are certainly on my mind. Good suggestion.


Quote:

It sounds like you've done a lot of research in other areas, why would you think over doubling the dosage for only your second trip would be a good idea?  They even have a dosage calculator on this site and I don't think a Level 3 or even 4 would have suggested over 5 grams.




Well, there are subsets of people on here that swear by the creed of "going big is the only way to do it". And I got deluded into thinking that, because others seem to be able to handle it, perhaps I could too (probably aligned with my bias of having high tolerances for alcohol and pot). Definitely not my best judgement call.

Quote:

Man, that sounds like a really rough time, especially getting your mom involved.  I take it she isn't too fond of drug use?




Thankfully, my mom is nothing but comforting and supportive. I'm sure she would like me to not experiment like this but she never imparts judgement or makes me feel bad for what I did. I love her so much.

Quote:


I would never, ever, ever solo trip without my emergency eject pills readily available. 





Definitely on my list of potential future preparations!


Edited by rcraft (02/20/22 03:33 AM)


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InvisibleBarnaby
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Re: Level 5 Shrooms, Solo Arrogance. Second trip went south. [Re: rcraft] * 1
    #27666972 - 02/20/22 09:54 PM (4 months, 7 days ago)

Build them up, Lol.



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Invisiblemicrobiome88
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Re: Level 5 Shrooms, Solo Arrogance. Second trip went south. [Re: rcraft] * 2
    #27720292 - 04/04/22 02:29 AM (2 months, 26 days ago)

rcraft,

I had nearly exactly the same experience as you two years ago. 2nd trip, high dose, panic attack, had to call someone to come sooth me (not my mother, just a very non-judgemental friend.) Here is the link to my report, it might be of some small comfort.

https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/26798593

My experience is that yes you will be better equipped to deal with it in the future. I don't think you were particularly arrogant - ignorant is probably a better word. It seems like you have researched the experience and process well enough beforehand. Its just that there is always a gulf of distance "x" between theoretical knowledge and practical experience.

I agree with taking some time between now and your next so that you can continue to integrate (it has been a month since you posted as I write this.) My bad trip, or challenging as some folks say, was close to the most valuable experience I have ever had.

I wish you the best and look forward to the report of your next.


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Invisiblewolfman42
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Re: Level 5 Shrooms, Solo Arrogance. Second trip went south. [Re: rcraft] * 2
    #27720571 - 04/04/22 10:41 AM (2 months, 26 days ago)

Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing rcraft. You are not ignorant or arrogant. You are not weak. What you did takes courage. And you should commend yourself for that. You were genuine. You were seeking answers. This is a good reason to take a trip.

This experience was most likely level 4 and not complete loss of ego. No entity contact nor out of body or full ego dissolution.

Had you had a good friend around your experience may have gone into a level 5 but I believe adrenaline and anxiety kept you from going deeper.

For ego death and level 5 experiences I would suggest strong cubes like Penis Envy. Have a friend around next time.

I would not trip around a parent or family member. Too much emotional baggage with family. It should be a good friend who has no ulterior motives. Just someone who is there for you should you need them to get something like water for instance.

I don't think this was quite the trip you were after. But still as you said it was a great learning experience. This is a good perspective to have.

There is some caution with the higher doses because they are so powerful. So I would certainly not push it or over do it. But there is nothing wrong with high dose trips and level 5 experiences when done in the proper set and setting.

Mushrooms of course are not the only way to awaken but they certainly can play an integral role. One must remember that the integration following a high dose trip is extremely important.

It is a kind of second childhood after an awakening trip. We must learn to grow up with our new understanding. This means we won't be going on another high dose trip for a while and not many in general. Because at some point the tripping will take you farther away from it. It only serves to introduce you to the beyond. It is not needed passed a certain point.


Edited by wolfman42 (04/04/22 04:33 PM)


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Invisiblercraft
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Re: Level 5 Shrooms, Solo Arrogance. Second trip went south. [Re: wolfman42] * 1
    #27721448 - 04/04/22 11:17 PM (2 months, 26 days ago)

Quote:

microbiome88 said
I wish you the best and look forward to the report of your next.





I indeed have read your story, it was definitely comforting to see that others had similar experiences. Thank you for the thoughts :smile:

Quote:

wolfman42 said:

This experience was most likely level 4 and not complete loss of ego. No entity contact nor out of body or full ego dissolution.

Had you had a good friend around your experience may have gone into a level 5 but I believe adrenaline and anxiety kept you from going deeper.

For ego death and level 5 experiences I would suggest strong cubes like Penis Envy. Have a friend around next time.

I would not trip around a parent or family member. Too much emotional baggage with family. It should be a good friend who has no ulterior motives. Just someone who is there for you should you need them to get something like water for instance.

I don't think this was quite the trip you were after. But still as you said it was a great learning experience. This is a good perspective to have.





Yea, I think you are right - I have been reading many trip reports and a lot of the experiences people state in "level 4" seem to be along the same lines. I probably panicked and exited, entering anxiety/panic, instead of "surrendering" and diving all the way in. At least, that seems right based on how I remember it :smile:  I am starting to think that dosage and levels aren't so clear cut -- I sense that I could reach those higher levels on lower doses with more control, as I journey down this path.


---

I took one small trip since then, an easy 2g morning. It was nice, I just relaxed with some music and let myself be soothed. The best way I can describe is is that the music was "combing" my brain, untangling everything. Imagine how grass flows in a gentle river, just flowing (with the music), and when there was a break between songs, the current stopped, and the grass gently came to a rest. I felt great the rest of the day.


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OfflineAldebaran
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Re: Level 5 Shrooms, Solo Arrogance. Second trip went south. [Re: rcraft] * 2
    #27739315 - 04/17/22 09:58 PM (2 months, 13 days ago)

Good trip report, very honest and relatable, a good read :thumbup:

I'll comment on some things you say and aspects of the trip which seem most relevant to the whole experience. Sorry for the long post - this brings back a lot of memories!

Quote:

My desire was to learn. About myself, about existence, and all of that stuff. I thought it would help me renew motivation or discover some insights about how I should grow and live my life. I wanted to experience ego death. To look so deep into myself that there would be no self. I wanted to see the indescribable.




These are reasonable motivations, but this sounds like a programme for a series of trips at varying doses. To attempt all this through one big trip is expecting too much; a degree of patience is required when you are exploring psychedelics.

The increase in dose is also obviously a big issue. In my own experience, unless you barely tripped at all, doubling the dose on mushrooms will give a massive increase in intensity that you will be totally unprepared for and probably regret when it hits you. Tripling the dose is going to be even more extreme. Effects ramp up very quickly as you increase the dose; a certain amount is required to take you over the threshold of tripping, but after that things rapidly get very intense the more you take. Matching the dose to your desires and expectations is not easy!

:wonka:

Quote:

I thought that I could do it alone and navigate anything, that I'd learned enough mechanisms to maintain control and redirect.




You've probably heard this general idea already, but taking higher doses is more about being able to give up control of your mind and having some faith that you will be OK if you do - i.e. learning how to "surrender" to the trip.

Quote:

I wanted more. I started trying to ask questions. Why are we here? What is reality? I asked to be shown the answers. I didn't really hear anything back




High doses do often produce a sudden feeling of "being shown all the answers," a feeling of revelation as you peer behind the scenery of reality, but I would be wary of taking this at face value. It's as if mushrooms tell you a variety of stories and it's up to you to choose which ones, if any, you believe afterwards. But during a trip you may have no choice about what you believe - the feeling of knowing is so strong that you just have to go with it. 

In other words, I think trying to apply logic and reason to anything in the middle of a trip is a fools errand. You can certainly gain worthwhile insights into philosophical issues, consciousness for example, but this is more by reflecting on your trip afterwards than the tangled mindfuck you experience during it.

The direct experience of spiritual / mystical states of mind during the trip will be far more valuable than overthinking in a manic attempt to make sense of them. 

:raptorjesus:

Quote:

Eventually, I was overcome with the most complete and perfect enveloping warmth. I felt ultimate calm, peace, and tranquility.




Going back to the aim of trip, it is worthwhile asking yourself what you really want. Do you want to reach this "ultimate calm, peace, and tranquility" and stay there, or do you want to put yourself through something "indescribable" which may be absolutely incredible but also very harsh.

Maybe part of the reason you found the trip difficult is that you reached this point of tranquility during the comeup, but were then brutally forced into the peak of a very strong trip. I rarely feel this type of calmness before the peak of a strong trip because I know what's coming.

I think the general aim a lot of people have when tripping is to reach some serene state like this. When you ask "maybe there is something there and I didn't reach it?" I would describe the 'something more' as a development of this state of euphoria into a bliss which is so intense, indescribable and overpowering that it becomes a mystical experience, something that feels deeply significant.

This may be the general aim of "ego death," but reaching states like this through the brute force of dosing high is not an easy path, and it is worth reflecting on what the "death" part actually entails.

Quote:

I get this overwhelming dread that I broke reality. That it's never going to be normal again, that I won't be able to return to where I started.
I thought that I would be lost here forever, or I would return at the wrong point in the timeline - back in my childhood bed, recovering from sickness. Or I was a homeless person who died in the street, overdosed on fentanyl.

I feel like I've been alone for so long. Like I haven't talked to anybody in an eternity. Like I might never get to talk to anyone I love again.




For me, this is what it feels like to be on the brink of that type of "ego death" trip. You are becoming unmoored from reality, from yourself. Normal life seems strange and long ago, something you are saying goodbye to forever.

This isn't the trip veering off in the wrong direction, this is what it feels like to take a large quantity of psychedelics. Everything is coming in sideways and you are heading south because that is where you have to go. It can feel like being crushed by an unbearable mental pressure, like panic, that there is less and less room inside your head to exist in, that you are dying or going insane or both.

I think your issue here is that being obliterated by this part of the trip didn't develop into any significant or satisfying mystical experience, it was just a mindfuck. Possibly quite a lot happened and you just can't piece it together. I do think you can 'overshoot' when doing this - you increase the level of insanity but decrease the amount of the trip which feels meaningful, or you end up feeling like you just "weren't there" and missed a big chunk of your own trip.

:psychoactiveair:

Harsh trips make more sense if you experience something meaningful after going through the meat grinder of cognitive dissolution. Unconsciousness is not really the aim here (you could just drink vodka), instead the idea is that at the moment your everyday consciousness dissolves, a massive wave of bliss rushes in and becomes your reality, like a universe of pure consciousness revealing itself.

Quote:

I am starting to think that dosage and levels aren't so clear cut -- I sense that I could reach those higher levels on lower doses with more control, as I journey down this path.




Yes, I think you are right. You experienced some aspects of what you were seeking but in a disjointed way that was not satisfying and more like a harsh mindfuck. Some things would work better at lower doses (like introspection into your daily life) and you might get more out of a higher dose, and be able to navigate it better, if you build up to it gradually. The mind on psychedelics is a labyrinth that takes time and patience to explore, if you have the curiosity to do it.

:spiralflip:

I think part of respecting the power of the drug is taking sufficient for the type of trip you want, but being honest about what you do actually want, and being careful with dosage because you know what it is like to take too much.

Quote:

Does the fact that I've experienced this make me better equipped to handle it in the future? Or will any preparation we try always be thwarted in ways we can't predict? I'd like to think that my fears were due to the new experience, but worry that similar experiences will always be possible, or perhaps end even worse.




Experience is always helpful, but trips are always going to be unpredictable and sometimes unpleasant. Sometimes you will have to face your fears, especially at high doses, but this isn't necessarily a bad thing if the overall trip is worthwhile. Negative emotions are a normal part of a trip and trying to avoid them completely can be counterproductive. Over time your comfort zone expands, and mental states which would have frightened you once become a normal part of a trip. At the same time, you may reach a point where increasing the dose results in diminishing returns, so you settle at a dose level where trips are exciting and satisfying but don't scare you in the way they might have done before.

:aliceshocker:

Sometimes the "heroic dose" ends up being an epic quest to get back where you started, only to discover you were fighting yourself all along. You can learn a lot from mushrooms, but some of the lessons are harsh, like letting go of your illusions about yourself and accepting who you are.

One important lesson of harsh experiences at high doses could be summed up by saying "it's supposed to be like that" - buy the ticket, take the ride. The other is that the fear you sometimes feel during a strong trip, the gnawing sense of foreboding that something awful is waiting for you, is an illusion. The thing you fear is just your own mind, and you don't recognize it as being part of yourself. Instead of trying to avoid this thing you are afraid of, you need to surrender to it, it's the same thing as the bliss you are seeking.

I think you might enjoy exploring shrooms in the future, just take your time and be more careful with the doses. To really enjoy high doses I think you need that burning curiousity to venture deeper, and to secretly enjoy those moments when things have gone a little too far. To venture a little further each time is a challenge, but plunging too far can be an ordeal.

:scaryshroom: :feelsshroomyman:


--------------------
I wrote that, but I meant something else


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Re: Level 5 Shrooms, Solo Arrogance. Second trip went south. [Re: rcraft]
    #27769006 - 05/08/22 08:11 PM (1 month, 23 days ago)

Mushrooms are intimidating to me. 3.5g is the most ive ever taken, and I have no plans to ever take more because its absolutely mind blowing.  Ive experienced a complete flood of happiness and joy on that amount, and thats all ive ever wanted from a drug honestly. I would be absolutely scared shitless to try a 6g brain scramble and have no idea what I could possibly gain.
If I called my mom I would probably retire from shrooming also, but im 44 and shes not in driving distance.


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