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Anonymous #1

Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective
    #27619565 - 01/15/22 08:50 AM (2 years, 2 months ago)

Haven't slept, sick with heart ache.
I would love some outside perspective on an ongoing problem in my relationship.  I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall, and there are so many details to this long and messy saga.  I will try to keep it short and concise but am happy to offer clarification of the specifics if it will help in understanding the situation.  I'm trying to explore creative, out of the box solutions for this heartbreaking situation.

I have been in a relationship that has just past the 10 year mark.  It has been a wild, magical rollercoaster of love, connection, and growth.  My partner and I have a home together, many ongoing projects, pets and I feel like we are just generally a great team.

The only bump, or really mountain that stands in the way is the accusation of me cheating on my partner, from my partner.

They say that whenever we go out they hear people talking about me, how I cheated, and how they feel sorry for them.  When I ask about who said what, and where I have been met with answers like "It doesn't really matter" "I hear about it from everyone, everywhere I go"
I offered to confront and talk about it with the people that they hear saying it, and I'm told they will just lie about it to our face.  I've been persistent about following up with any of the "shit talkers" but I'm met with "that will do nothing" so I haven't followed that route.  Nor do I even know who to confront because I'm not given the specifics.

I suggest that maybe it was misheard.  Dancefloors at raves are awfully loud, and I have a hard time hearing anything anyone says to me without yelling.  They tell me they have really good hearing, better that most people.
I suggested maybe they are hearing whisperings of the mind.  They can be so loud sometimes. This suggestion gets a response saying I'm gaslighting them and making them question their reality.

When this was first brought to my attention (years ago) by my partner, we were coming off a rave party, pretty high on MDMD.  I'm sure the MDMA helped my partner open up to something that they were bottling inside, to that I am thankful.

Unfortunately, because I was high, tired, hungry, young, and dumb I reacted instead of responded.  I cried, yelled, and felt confused.  I've only had stars in my eyes for this person since I met them, so this news was crushing to me.  Needless to say the conversation went nowhere, all the hard feelings remained.

As we fast forward through time life goes on, but the accusations would come forward again and again.  I'll admit that I didn't navigate many of them well, each accusation opening an old wound, while simultaneously making a new one.
I would react in anger and sadness instead of compassion for my partner that I so dearly love.  A lot of the accusations would come after going to a party, high on Molly.  There have also been accusations of me cheating on my partner in our own house, sneaking down to the basement to get some.  Supposedly my partner has heard me bragging about whatever it is I did in our basement.  When I ask what they heard me say, when and where I am met with "Just think about it"  "You know what you did"  A few occasions I would get a specific "You said this to this person"  When I would say that I didn't say that, or try to offer insight on what was actually said in a conversation I'm accused of lying.

I've done my best to imagine how my partner must feel, and have validated that for them. I've also had moments of calm, thoughtful, listening and responding communication from my side, but they always are shut down by my partner telling me that I'm full of shit,  I'm lying to them, and they aren't stupid.

I've definitely done some things that I'm not proud of in our relationship, but I've owned up to my mistakes (I'm human) apologized many times, and respected boundaries that have been laid down by my partner.  I have never been unfaithful to them.  Our sex life is amazing, I have no reason to seek out other sexual adventures.  I'm also madly in love with my partner, and don't even feel attracted to anyone else.

I stay in the relationship despite the accusations because I know I am faithful and I have nothing to hide. I also love the life that we've created together, and really think that this could be worked out. The accusations just cut deep like a knife to my heart.

Can anyone relate?  I could go on forever with detail on the lengths I've gone through to try and figure out what the fuck is going on.  I've suggested a couples therapist that I'd be willing to pay for to get some professional outside perspective, but that's been shot down.  I've suggested that we sit down with a friend, whom we both trust and cares about us to listen to our story and offer insight.  Also shot down.

I am looking to find a local therapist/counselor in my area for myself.  If feels hard because I'm trying really hard to save money, and I know that paying for a therapist is going to set me back. It also feels scary because if I spend a bunch of money on a therapist it will also be harder to move in a city where rent is outrageously high.  I've been homeless before, and it's not something I want to revisit.  I know it's something that is going to be vital for my mental health though, and I need to figure it out.

So spilling my heart anonymously on shroomery was just another creative and free idea to add to the stack of ideas that I've tried.  I've been awake for way to long, to stressed to sleep.  I'm hoping this post will at least get me rest, as it is something that feels really good to get off my chest on a different platform. (I journal a lot also)

I'm open to constructive criticism, advise, relatable stories, weird out of the box ideas, or super conventional ideas.  Any thoughts are appreciated <3

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Anonymous #2

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27619629 - 01/15/22 09:42 AM (2 years, 2 months ago)

Are you a male or female, and is your partner a male or female? Psychologies of the genders vary and internal conflicts that arise and manifest as this differ as well

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Anonymous #1

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #27619640 - 01/15/22 09:51 AM (2 years, 2 months ago)

I'm female, my partner is male.  I'm younger by 5 years

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Anonymous #2

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27619644 - 01/15/22 09:55 AM (2 years, 2 months ago)

Gotcha-- first thanks for writing. I'd be interested to know why you think he thinks you are cheating on him.

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Anonymous #3

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27619677 - 01/15/22 10:22 AM (2 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

They say that whenever we go out they hear people talking about me, how I cheated, and how they feel sorry for them.  When I ask about who said what, and where I have been met with answers like "It doesn't really matter" "I hear about it from everyone, everywhere I go.

......

I offered to confront and talk about it with the people that they hear saying it, and I'm told they will just lie about it to our face.  I've been persistent about following up with any of the "shit talkers" but I'm met with "that will do nothing" so I haven't followed that route.  Nor do I even know who to confront because I'm not given the specifics.






Sorry you are going through this. It is hard to offer one's thoughts without listening to both sides of the story. Sometimes partners will resort to emotional manipulation in order to get power over the other partner. It can be a threat to leave you, to take the kids away from you, saying they don't want to be with you anymore,.... anything that will trigger you and have you do anything they ask you to do (without getting anything in return). Usually an accusation of cheating is accompanied by the threat of separation, which you do not mention here. However, your story is hard to understand. You say the accusation comes from your partner and yet, you mention other people (they) who seem to back those accusations. It gives the feeling that your story is incomplete or maybe there's more going on here. Drug use in parties can easily impair one's best judgment and/or our understanding of social boundaries. Is it possible that some behavior while under the influence may have been interpreted as cheating? Sorry but this situation seems very complicated to understand. What would be the motivation of a partner accusing the other of cheating if it didn't happen? Any chance that your partner (or them) don't want to discuss it at all because you have a history of not listening to other people's concerns?

Edited by Anonymous (01/15/22 10:22 AM)

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Anonymous #4

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27619712 - 01/15/22 11:08 AM (2 years, 2 months ago)

If EVERYONE is spreading the claim that you cheated, it should be easy to find 10-20 of them and talk about this issue. Record the conversations with your phone with their consent. May reveal a trend about what has or has not been said by ‘everyone.’

The major issues I see from my limited perspective are 1) his willingness to believe rumor over your word & 2) his rejection of the couple counseling plan. These actions feel immature, weak & manipulative.

I’d maybe set a deadline for making measurable progress or making an exit.

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Anonymous #1

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #27619731 - 01/15/22 11:26 AM (2 years, 2 months ago)

Thanks for your response.  He just threatened to leave last night, and has prior saying he can't take the bullshit lying anymore. I responded in a "How can I support you/fix this" kind of way." but also tell him that I want him to be happy.  If leaving is what does that for him I won't beg him to stay.

I'm sure my sleep deprived post, that I was trying to keep anonymous as possible for respect reasons, is all over the place.

The whole thing is mind boggling.  He says every time we go out he hears people say things.  I take into account childhood traumas (on both sides) drugs, and the possibility that someone is spreading nasty rumours (possibly an ex?)

Imagine this scenario. 9 years ago, desert party, weekend, lots of drugs.  My ex is at the same desert party.  Throughout the party there are times we are separated and mingle with different people.  He said he heard me having sex.  He knows what I sound like, and heard my moans.  He heard people at the party talking about "that girl, and the poor guy she is with"

Here's the hard part.  He didn't tell me that this was his party experience until 2 years after the desert party.  2 years later at the end of a rave night, both of us rolling, is when he brings this up.  He was carrying it around for 2 years and I feel very sad that he didn't bring it up sooner.

My ex is an asshole, I was menstruating the desert weekend, so I was horrified when he made the accusation.  Also, with the 2 year buffer I was grasping for any sort of memories I could piece together to ease his mind.  He pulled out these memories how I disappeared for long periods of times (I suggested weird bathroom trips, I did get lost/ turned around wandering to look for a relief spot) and how I was being extra friendly with my ex.

I reassured him many times that he was the only person I was romantic with that whole weekend, but with the 2 year period what could I really say?  I couldn't remember all the little details of a drug filled weekend.  I was however lucid enough to KNOW what was happening with my body.  He suggested that I may have been too high to remember being gang banged.  I'm only sexually active with my partner and monogamous. My body would remember any sort of sexual encounter, nor did I black out.

He never believed me, it got swept under the rug.  As the years went by he would say every party we went to he would hear about the desert party.  At bars, at warehouses, in our own home.  This spiraled into more accusations of me cheating in the present saying that it was exhilarating for cheaters to cheat and hide it from their partners.

I also mentioned drug induced schizophrenia.  I've personally had a schizophrenic episode while on a research chemical in my early 20's, so it felt like something I could relate to.  I thought everyone was whispering about me in a negative way.  I read that schizophrenia can onset in late 20's early 30's and then leave.  I mentioned it not to blame him, make him feel guilty, or make him think "that he was crazy"  in his words.  But just to find another idea that could explain what was happening.
He responded with rage, said that I was gaslighting him.  I took it back immediately and have never brought it back up again.  He said that was a boundary of his, not to be called crazy.  Schizophrenia is more common than I think people know about, so I wasn't trying to call him crazy but suggest that it is something that could happen.  I respected his boundary and have tried to find a million other things what could be going on.

We don't really party that much.  The occasional new years, halloween, summer party.  We started not going out when he said he would hear it every where we went.  Covid felt like a gift, because we love each others company and had a solid year of just the two of us.

I would love for him to share his story, with another person present, and myself.  He doesn't want to.  I want him to feel heard, but the only people he has told was me, and some random people that he said he's felt a connection with who are outside of our friend circle.  I encourage him to talk about it with other people, but then I feel hurt and betrayed at the thought that he is telling people that I cheat on him.  I'm sure he is also feeling betrayed if he thinks I am lying to him.

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Anonymous #1

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #27619751 - 01/15/22 11:50 AM (2 years, 2 months ago)

That's a good idea.  Recording conversations with consent.  We are going out at the end of the month and I'm hoping to have friendly conversations with some people in the party scene.  I wanted to have his consent before I started asking random people it they have heard about our relationship, but when I've asked that's when I get the, "They would lie to you response." I've talked to a couple of my friends about it, then told him I shared with them.  I'm then accused of gossiping about him. This then fuels the "people are talking about me" thoughts, so I stopped talking to my friends about it and started journaling furiously.  Partly for my sanity, partly to have records of the he said she said bullshit.

One of my friends asked me if I was cheating on him because she heard from one of her friends that he told her about. (fucking grapevine)  I immediately told my friend what was happening and she believed me.  It felt like he was manifesting the rumour he was talking about.  I brought it up to him, and how it's not true.

He accused me a being sneaky and manipulative last night.  I asked him how I was being manipulative and he couldn't really tell me.  Now I feel guilty for oversharing (and sneaky) on a public forum.  But I've been a member of shroomery since 2014 and love the variety of insight from this community.

I do my best not to call names or play the blame game because I feel like it gets in the way of effective communication.  I do however yell when I get upset.  I bad coping mechanism I learned from my father.  He said that when people lie they get upset.  I always apologize for yelling and make sure to add that I'm angry, sad and overwhelmed. I then do my best to take space and then re-enter the conversation when I'm calm.  Again, I'm human and feel like I don't have the proper tools to navigate this situation.  I've looked online, followed blogs, therapists on social media for generalized skills and help.

I've thought about leaving, but the how would be super messy.  It also feels not fair to leave a man I love because of something that isn't even real.  I would have to uproot my whole life.  It is this dumb cycle of everything being perfect until this issue rears it's ugly head.

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Anonymous #2

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27619756 - 01/15/22 11:56 AM (2 years, 2 months ago)

It sounds like it's getting worse from my perspective instead of getting better. Would you agree?

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Anonymous #1

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #27619766 - 01/15/22 12:11 PM (2 years, 2 months ago)

I try to practice good listening as best as I can.  I'm sure I could always do better. How long can you listen to someone accuse you of a bullshit lyer in a super nasty way?
The situation is super complicated, and not easy to explain, with many layers.  I'm not sure what the motive is, that's why it feels so hard.  His past two girlfriends cheated on him.  I brought up hurt wounds and trust issues.

I thought for awhile that he may be cheating on me because he was making friends with random girls that he didn't want to introduce me to.  I looked at his phone texts many times to confirm if he was cheating.  Not one of my finer moments.  Talked to him about my concerns, told him I looked at phone and brought up weird conversations with the new friends.  He told me not to look at his phone, I stopped.  It wasn't right for me to do in the first place.  I'm sure that didn't help trust issues.  He told me he was just wanting to make new friends.  I choose to believe him. I really don't think he's cheating on me.  Our love life is pretty special.  I did ask last night if he would introduce me to one of his newest friends who is an young, attractive, raver girl.  He met her at the bar.  I was referring to her as "the Bar girl" not very respectful of me.  He has shared her name and who she is.  I feel jealous and weird about these platonic girl relationships that  he doesn't want me to be a part of. I want to be respectful of his personal relationships. I'm excited that he wants to introduce me to one of his new friends.

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Anonymous #2

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27619771 - 01/15/22 12:20 PM (2 years, 2 months ago)

As someone who has had trust issues, with platonic and romantic partners, I believe that this may be an actual action you can do:

both of you need to have each others passwords.

I used this approach and found that the repetitive paranoid thoughts on my end were quelled and eventually eliminated when I was able to see even her deepest thoughts, and her vice versa. This is of course me; I just don't see how you can repair trust with blind faith-- that is a breeding ground for paranoia.

Perhaps this may be an option? Instead of closing off, open up?

I never understood why privacy in an intimate relationship was something that needed to be preserved after a couple years.

What are your thoughts on this?

Caveat: he sounds pretty manipulative, do you worry about him violating boundaries? Reading each other like a book is not a boundary to me, but certainly manipulation is.

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Anonymous #5

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #27619772 - 01/15/22 12:20 PM (2 years, 2 months ago)

Run, run like hell
This will never stop
Will post more about this later

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Anonymous #2

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #27619780 - 01/15/22 12:26 PM (2 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #5 said:
Run, run like hell
This will never stop
Will post more about this later




I wouldn't say it will never stop; but it will require work with the potential that it may never stop. There is always potential to heal, but it may require significant sacrifice of both of your time and lifestyle. To make a difference, you need to change your status quo. Only that sacrifice may be your decision to make-- ask this:

Where do I want to be, who do I want to become, and are my current actions leading me in that direction?

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Anonymous #1

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #27619798 - 01/15/22 12:36 PM (2 years, 2 months ago)

I don't know if it is better or worse.  It felt horrible to begin with.  Sometimes it feels better, sometimes it feels worse.  Sometimes it depends on how I handle it.  Last night was horrible.  I've been working a lot, feel stressed, and miss his company.  He hung out with a new friend girl (the one he said he would introduce me to at the end of the month) on my only day off in awhile.  I immediately cried, asked if he would change his tea date so he could spend my one day off with me.  He ignored my request, so we made a compromise. When he was done with tea we would hang out and make music together.  Music date. 
I made a plan to hang out with a girlfriend.  We went to a nearby hotsprings, it was nice. He said they were meeting at noon. I left around 11:30.

I came back around 2, feeling refreshed and excited to welcome him home.  He didn't return until 5.  3 hours for me to ruminate on how it felt weird that he was choosing to hang out with his new "Bar girl" friend connection over his girlfriend of 10 years.  He works from home, makes his own schedule, it would have been so easy for him to switch tea days.

I told him I felt excluded, I was tired, angry, and called the girl "bar girl" a lot of times.  He told me they didn't meet up until later 1:30 and we didn't plan an exact time for our music date. (this is true)

This led to fighting and the accusations of me lying.  The digging up of the old "you cheated on me"  accusation.  fml thanks for listening to all this poop

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Anonymous #2

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #27619803 - 01/15/22 12:41 PM (2 years, 2 months ago)

To be honest, given that you are saying your truth, he sounds more suspicious than you.

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Anonymous #1

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #27619813 - 01/15/22 12:50 PM (2 years, 2 months ago)

Thanks for the reflective questions.  That feels very helpful.  I saw my life living on our mini farm,  making art and music with my partner, being a part of our community, in love with each other and life.  That is probally a co-dependent dream, but it sounds so nice.
  Things are starting to fall in place for me.  I'm saving money, I've created a clientele that I love.  The rent is outrageous in this town, and because of so many people moving here rentals are REALLY hard to come by.

I'm so in love with him.  He is normally the sweetest to me, considerate, he's incredibly talented.  If I left I would have to leave this town.  I would have to leave my home and all of the animals that live here.  My heart would be too broken to even look at him.  That's on me though.  Not him.

For awhile he said that he was cursed.  Someone put a hex on him.  This took away from the accusations, but then the hex idea faded away....  I feel like black magic is very real, so I was supportive in helping him sleuth the hexor.  It was some kind of explanation that didn't involve me lying or cheating.

Edited by Anonymous (01/15/22 12:50 PM)

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Anonymous #1

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #27619830 - 01/15/22 01:03 PM (2 years, 2 months ago)

I love this idea!!  I've shown him my phone password, given him permission to read my journals.  He said he didn't want to, whether he has or not, he hasn't told me.  I hope he has.  I want him to understand where I am coming from, and I want to understand where he is coming from.  I haven't been on FB in forever, but he's always welcome to look in my messages.  I have nothing to hide.

He still doesn't want me to look at his messages.  He will share snippets of his conversations on his terms.  I can't control that.  Years ago when I thought he could be cheating I was pretty demanding that he show me his messages.  I threatened to leave.  He showed me.  The convos were weird, but not cheating.  I felt horrible about it.  When another new, young, hot girl friend popped into his life I felt insecure.  Looked at his phone.  Told him about it.  They were fun and flirty, but not cheating.  I added these girls as friends on FB with the intent to make friends with them.  He became angry when I did so.  It did feel weird of me to do, but I really just wanted to meet the people that were in my partners life.  He told me that if couldn't understand his need for friends outside of us, we weren't going to work out.  I stopped using FB, it's super dumb anyway.  And haven't looked at his phone since.  If privacy in his life is what was needing to build trust with me I was happy to give it to him.

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Anonymous #6

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27619852 - 01/15/22 01:31 PM (2 years, 2 months ago)

Chances are, if he's making female friends that he doesn't want you a part of then he's trying to get laid. Already has. Or you know, sort of trying to put him in a situation he wouldn't say no to. In my opinion if he won't believe you, and you won't accept an open relationship, then it sounds too complicated to work. There's nuance I'm sure, you can't tell us everything in a few posts. Maybe he's an awesome guy and I'm wrong. But if he's that insecure and there's a high likelihood he's picking up girls then it doesn't matter if he's lying about the accusations(I think he is, he's fishing) or if he did actually hear anything. He doesn't believe you. It's been years and years of this. 9 years and he doesn't believe you. I'd never say a relationship can't get over cheating because it can but if the trust is gone then so is the love.

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Anonymous #6

Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #6] * 1
    #27619854 - 01/15/22 01:34 PM (2 years, 2 months ago)

Straight dudes in relationships don't go out of their way to make female friends because it undermines the trust. Not that dudes can't be friends but most normal guys don't need attention as a personality trait so if they want attention it's for a reason.

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InvisibleLynnch
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Registered: 04/29/09
Posts: 7,935
Re: Accused of cheating, looking for outside perspective [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #27619858 - 01/15/22 01:39 PM (2 years, 2 months ago)

The vague nature of the accusation, and "hearing people talk" when coincidentally you're both high as fuck in crowded spaces... sounds like drug induced psychosis.

Or a guilty conscience.

Or both.

I don't know how you regain the trust in this relationship, as he has simply chosen to believe that you cheated. And now he's hanging out for hours with some random chick from a bar? Uh, yea, red flags dude.

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