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OfflineDivided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings

Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 8 years, 6 months
Please help me
    #2751362 - 06/01/04 12:20 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Last Weds. I had a really bad trip and I feel terrible about everything. You might be surprised, it wasn't shrooms or acid that did it to me, but too much weed. I was careless, smoked way too much and was scared out of my mind. I felt completely out of control and isolated from everything else. I was confronted with complete meaninglessness of everything, and this horrifying void that I couldn't (and still can't escape from). It was like the weed was eating my mind until my thoughts were totally decimated and all I could feel was disorentiation, anxiety and primal fear.
I was smoking by myself and just had too much and experienced the most frightening 3-4 hours of my life. This was much more intense than the mescaline experience I had last month. To make it worse I was completely alone the whole time and had not expected it.

It has been about five days and I still feel really bad. During the day I'm alright for the most part, esp. in the morning after sleep. But as night falls I start feeling anxious and depressed about everything, and the most overwhelming sense of anguish I have felt. Perhaps worse than when my mother died when I was ten, but I'm not sure.
Life seems completely alien and fake to me. Everything is superficial and it seems there is no comfort in anything. Nothing means anything, except pain. All of my happy memories and thoughts seem transparent or very far away.
Everyone seems very distant to me, and I feel like I am trapped in my own mind, worse that my mind is the only thing in existance.
I have become over conscious of the passage of time. Kind of like being stoned the past disapears from relevence very quickly and I feel stuck in the constantly changing moment. I can't hold on to anything, everything is impermanent. I get overwhelmed thinking about death and all the suffering in the world.
On a philosophical level my experience has showed me the truth and necessity of Buddhism, that life is suffering created by impermenance, desire and ego. But I can't be free of suffering and ego and I am horrified by impernance and nothingness. All i want is this pain to go away.
Meditation is aside from sleep, the only thing that really seems to calm me, but everytime I do it I risk getting caught in a snowball of negative thoughts.

I can't sleep anymore without hours of agony and eventually Benadryl. I can't really sleep well until morning when I can hear people around the house. Sometimes I feel like I could just break down and cry.
I try to keep my mind occupied, but right now I am living at my Dad's house and all of my freinds have moved away, and we have no TV. I am all alone. My Dad goes to bed at 8:30 and never talks about anything personal.
I am living in a dark and lonely basement because my room was given to my stepmom's kids. I feel so lonely and isolated. I may feel pretty weird around other people, but when left to myself it's so hard to fend off these painful thoughts.
I'm moving to Phoenix in a few days for a music recording school where I barely know anyone. I'm driving by myself from Washington State, and possibly without a car stereo.
Things are slowly getting better but I am still sad and overwhelmed. I still feel mentally strange from the weed, the feeling that usually goes away in a day.

I need somebody to talk to me or comfort me. Please help me.


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InvisibleTODAY
Battletoad
Male

Registered: 09/25/03
Posts: 10,218
Loc: Metropolis City, USA
Re: Please help me [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #2751493 - 06/01/04 12:40 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

first...no more weed. weed isn't for everybody, it certainly isn't for me (as i have come to find out) and it doesn't sound like it is for you.

second...time heals the bouts of depression but i really have no idea what you could do to feel better because i have been through some bad times caused by nothing but my own head and the shitty feelings eventually went away.

this move of yours seems like a good idea. you might ahve felt trapped in that house. its good to get out and go...even if you don't know anybody where you are going.

i hope you get better soon.


--------------------

ca'rouse (k-rouz)
intr.v.
To engage in boisterous, drunken merrymaking.


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Offlinefilthysock
puresoul

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 2,080
Loc: Bergen, Norway
Last seen: 10 years, 5 months
Re: Please help me [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #2752055 - 06/01/04 04:22 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

The reason I dont smoke weed anymore is because of a trip with weed, I just cant smoke weed anymore. Some people say weed+shrooms is a must, I say forget it.


--------------------
Magic mushrooms are not addictive, the shroomery is!


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OfflinePotIsYourFriend
Pot Inspector

Registered: 04/23/04
Posts: 550
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
Re: Please help me [Re: filthysock]
    #2752178 - 06/01/04 06:18 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Need to go see a shrink, probably had a problem before the weed....


--------------------
"Prohibition...goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes. A prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded." Abraham Lincoln December, 1840




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OfflineJCoke
dream observer
Male

Registered: 02/17/04
Posts: 1,229
Loc: maryland Flag
Last seen: 1 year, 10 months
Re: Please help me [Re: PotIsYourFriend]
    #2752225 - 06/01/04 07:32 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Reality is where ever you are at the moment, don't know if that helps you, but that always comforts me when tripping.


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Offlinefilthysock
puresoul

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 2,080
Loc: Bergen, Norway
Last seen: 10 years, 5 months
Re: Please help me [Re: JCoke]
    #2752543 - 06/01/04 11:19 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

PIYF, in my situation I did have problems at that time, anxiety problems from smoking to much pot, but that one trip with the weed blew the problem out of proportion. I'm less paranoid than I was back then sober, but equally paranoid every time I toke.
Something got shortcircuted up there related to weed... sorry for jacking th thread, but I think me and Divided Sky have a smimilair problem.


--------------------
Magic mushrooms are not addictive, the shroomery is!


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OfflineDivided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings

Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 8 years, 6 months
Re: Please help me [Re: filthysock]
    #2753188 - 06/01/04 03:29 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

I think i had some form of minor depression, especially after my mescaline trip, but because of that I decided not to trip for a couple of months. And yet, I did trip, really hard and completely alone. Now I think I have major depression.
Most of it stems from feeling like I know too much. I can see my thoughts as superficial sensory impulses and that the world I live in is an illusion in my own mind. This really depresses me because I think I had issues with lonliness to begin with. Being trapped inside your mind all alone is too much. It's like in Pink Floyd's Breathe "All you touch and all you see, is all your life will ever be," Well I think I can really see that now. Not just think it, I can observe it and it really scares me. I'm not really a person anymore, just a bunch of electro-chemical impulses, and reality isn't what it used to be, it's all in my mind.
I just want to live my life and enjoy it, but this awareness and these thoughts make it hard to do that anymore. Life is not what I had thought it was.
I feel like everything is painfully simple and meaningless. Like there is no mystery to anything, it's all mathematical and cold. Humanity is an illusion, and all the comfort I've found in it is gone. I can appreciate the fact that life is infinitely complex and often very beautiful, but when reduced to the single frame, moment-to-moment consciousness in my mind it seems so limited and small.

I'm going to find a therapist or something and maybe get on some medication, but it is hard because I am going to be moving in a day or two.

I think I'm going to quit the drugs, if not for a few months than permanently. If I ever do any again I won't stray beyond 'extremely' low amounts of weed, and low doses of shrooms or mescaline. Though they still seem appealing to me, I think they move me farther away from reality and deeper into myself, the opposite of what I really need.

thanks for the replies


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Offlinefilthysock
puresoul

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 2,080
Loc: Bergen, Norway
Last seen: 10 years, 5 months
Re: Please help me [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #2753830 - 06/01/04 06:19 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

You seemed to have cracked the matrix and figured it out. Maybe the way you are seeing things is the way they really are. Take joy in that, at least try. If life seems boring, mathematical and cold, seek meaning in something more.

To me what you are describing sounds exciting... people take psychedelics to find out stuff like this.


--------------------
Magic mushrooms are not addictive, the shroomery is!


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
 User Gallery

Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,360
Loc: In the jungle
Re: Please help me [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #2754244 - 06/01/04 08:23 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Hi Divided Sky,

I think you are on the right track.  Simply staying away from weed and any other drugs will definately help ease the way you are feeling.  Listening to what your mind and body are telling you in regards to substances is pretty important, and I think you understand that.  Maybe one day you will feel ready to experience tripping or smoking weed again, but until then, just enjoy being sober.  I know that is easier said then done.  Remember that anytime you need to feel grounded, come to the Shroomery and talk to anyone here.  Feel free to PM me anytime. 

I had an "incident" with weed after my first egoloss experience a few weeks ago.  For some reason, smoking it that same week of my trip brought back all the mental stuff that I had experienced during my trip, in which weed was involved.  Fortunately, I was able to handle the insanity and terror I felt by merely closing my eyes and simply "existing."  After a few deep breaths, I was able to relax and set any fear aside and enjoy the high. 

In the days afterward, I too felt like you described, and it was very unnerving.  I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about it, because I thought that anyone I told would say that I made crazy by drugs.  Even I wondered at this for a few harrowing days.  Drugs had always been my allies in the past, and it was hard to accept that possibly they had brought on that mania. 

Let me say, that those feelings and crazy thoughts do go away after awhile, or at least for me.  What I did was keep busy, focusing on exercising and eating right, and doing lots of reading.  Internally I've accepted and have learned to appreciate the thoughts and feelings that still linger.  That's not an easy thing to do.  To be honest, I think I am actually grateful for the trauma that occured after my egoloss trip, and then the weed experience afterward.  It makes me more cautious as a tripper and a smoker, that's for sure.  I also think that it has made me a more wise individual. 

So in closing, I admire you for seeking help to regain that quality of life.  You'll be okay, just remember that.  You've just briefly lost contact with ground control.  :wink: 

:heart: :heart:

*me*


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OfflineDivided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings

Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 8 years, 6 months
Re: Please help me [Re: filthysock]
    #2754303 - 06/01/04 08:38 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

filthysock said:
You seemed to have cracked the matrix and figured it out.  Maybe the way you are seeing things is the way they really are.  Take joy in that, at least try.  If life seems boring, mathematical and cold, seek meaning in something more.

To me what you are describing sounds exciting... people take psychedelics to find out stuff like this.




Well, it sounds cool on paper, but when you can see it all the time it is unerving. The problem is IMO drugs can't bring you to the Buddhist enlightenment. They will show you the premise for Buddha's teachings, that life is impermancence, desire is caused by suffering, the senses are an illusion, the self is an illusion, thoughts are an illusion. But they do not rid you of that clinging or desire. Meditation clears the mind of thoughts and desire, but drugs force a mind that is not ready into ultimate awareness.
When you can't let go of your self, and your own life it can be a painful experience. I now understand the concept of reincarnation, the soul clings to the world too much and can't let go and so is forced back into life once again. I feel that feeling all the time now. Like I'm trapped between illusion and nothingness. It is hard confusing to deal with, and makes life difficult to enjoy.

I think if you want realizations like this seek them through meditation, because you are not forced into the experience if you can't handle it. Meditation takes away desire and clinging, which enable you to handle the oneness. That path brings peace of mind, but the chemical route seems mentally hazardous.

BTW, thanks for the kind words filthysock and Ellemyshade :heart:


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OfflinePhishgrrl
Walking in thetall trees...
 User Gallery

Registered: 05/03/04
Posts: 5,079
Last seen: 11 years, 5 months
Re: Please help me [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #2756242 - 06/02/04 11:10 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Hi Divided Sky. Have you ever tried chakra meditation? Sounds like you could benefit from doing some work with your heart chakra. You seem to know about Buddhist meditation, well, you can do that and focus your breathing in your heart. Do it as often as you can and see what happens.  Also you could find some mandalas to focus on, and bring those into your heart. I have been through similar shit, I know how you feel and it is awful. That's why I quit doing drugs for a long time. Music is so key. Also, doing nice things for others would help you a lot too. Good luck, and much Love!
Namaste...... :heart: :hug:


--------------------
Once in awhile you can get shown the light

In the strangest of places if you look at it right...



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OfflineRob_K
s p a c e d

Registered: 03/23/03
Posts: 447
Loc: London
Last seen: 3 years, 22 days
Re: Please help me [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #2757724 - 06/02/04 07:26 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Yeah man I agree with Phishgrrl.. Get out there in the world and put out something positive. There was a time when I was at university when I started doubting reality and spending all my time alone. I joined Samaratians which is a volunteer service that people call when they are down or alone. I found that making some kind of difference in other people's lives helped me deal with my own.

I also think your music recording course sounds like it's just what you need.. Ok you don't know anyone on the course, but isn't that exciting? You're going to meet a bunch of new people who care about the same thing you do and you're going to have a great time tasting some freedom away from your inherited family..

If all else fails, try this.. go sit on a beach under the stars or when the sun is setting, listen to some incubus or one of the more recent Red Hot Chilli Peppers albums (or even some of my tunes) and think about how much beauty and purity there is to be found in the world. Breathe in some of that air and find your own space.. Remember that no fucker is going to bring you down because you are Divided Sky and the world is a better place because you're in it..


You can beat this my friend, but you have to let yourself beat it.

Good luck!  :sun:

Rob


--------------------
-{ divined from the mind }--

My music


Edited by Rob_K (06/02/04 08:55 PM)


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OfflineDivided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings

Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 8 years, 6 months
Re: Please help me [Re: Rob_K]
    #2758132 - 06/02/04 09:35 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Thanks alot guys.

I have to say, when I keep myself busy during the day I feel alright, even though I am way oversensitive. But when things die down I get overwhelmed. I can't deal with simple things. I can't pay attention.
At night is when I can't bear it. I'm alone with nothing to do and feel really down.
I wish I never learned these things. I just want to live life. I'll do my best to be active and reintegrate myself. I know what I really need is to get involved in life and place myself back in consentual reality. It feels so hard.

I've concluded that the only safe attitude towards drugs is to use them for a specific personal purpose, and keep them in moderation. When people take them just for kicks, or in attempt to open their minds they are playing with fire. The cosmic knowledge is too much for anyone to know. If drugs have any place at all in our lives it should be to help us in a very focused way connect with the things in our lives better. If they move us out of our lives and reality they are bad. For me, I wish I had given up them after my mescaline trip last month.


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OfflineCleverName
the cloudsshould know meby now...

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 1,121
Loc: red earth painted with mi...
Last seen: 11 years, 18 days
Re: Please help me [Re: Phishgrrl]
    #2758430 - 06/02/04 10:49 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

great advice phishgrrl. everyone here has given great advice.

i was in a major depression for months, then my 18 month yr old nephew stayed with us. he helped me to open my heart again, love. that was a major thing, i found. when one becomes depressed and feels isolated and everything that comes with depression, we tend to close our hearts off from people, ourselves, and love. love is so important.

i guess ill just add this:
let yourself be open and life will be easier. a spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. a spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.


--------------------
if you can't find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?

this is the purpose


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