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Anonymous #1

In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do?
    #27352172 - 06/17/21 10:58 AM (2 years, 9 months ago)

Hey all,
Adult male in early thirties here. I'm on here because I became interested in shrooms since they grow near me and I have a number of pretty chronic (lifelong) mental health issues. Namely depression and anxiety, and the main cause of my struggles is severe, chronic insomnia that is so truly debilitating and often brings me to the edge of madness, and insufferable pain.
Before things got so bad I was a successful, fit and healthy person, with great prospects and ambition and had achieved many good things to be proud of.

Late 2019 I quit my job of 15 years in the hope it would boost a potential change and ultimately help me in my struggles. It was a technical, skilled, well paid job that I enjoyed and the company were very accommodating to my illness. But the opportunity came up and I went for it. 'Change is good', i thought.
2020/COVID struck, and I was stuck at home jobless, running out of money, unable to sleep, losing my mind, and then my girlfriend left me because she wanted kids imminently and i was too ill to face it and refused, despite loving her greatly.
I managed to get a shitty part time job which doesn't cover my bills really and I'm still slowly running out of money, unable to afford shit, while my mental health deteriorates even further, slowly.
I hate my part time job, it's low skilled and low pay, but I am an intelligent and skilled man, who is just too ill to find or take up another career, and too ill to date or connect with others properly.
I have absolutely zero self-esteem or worth, lonely as f**k and skint as f**k, with no prospect of things improving. I've had years working with various therapists, working my ass off, and tried many medications, but absolutely nothing works long term. I constantly do my best to be a good person, but inside I absolutely despise myself and consider myself a waste of air on this earth.

What would you do in my situation?

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Anonymous #2

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27352189 - 06/17/21 11:08 AM (2 years, 9 months ago)

Whenever I've been in the dumps, I always  continue to tell myself 'it can always be worse'. And that's true, just remember there are poor souls out there with much worse situations.

Best advice I can give is to continue to seek out help for your mental concerns. As much as we tell ourselves we can fix it on our own, it just doesn't work that way. In terms of bringing your life back on track, it's absolutely up to you. You have to put in the effort man. And I assure you that if you do, you will get what you want. Sitting and sulking, or just waiting for something to happen, will end in failure.

I was in your position 10 years ago, and I worked for change in my life, now I'm 40 and things are going great.

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Anonymous #1

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #27352206 - 06/17/21 11:18 AM (2 years, 9 months ago)

I'm continuously putting in the effort, and I have regular therapy. I'm constantly doing heavy lifting to try and sort my life out.
I know things could be worse, but every week edges away towards being worse and worse. I'm going to run out of money, then what? That will be worse. The loneliness will only get worse, because I won't ever meet anyone in my condition. I'll never work a job that I know i have the potential for. My self worth is non-existent yet it continues to be in freefall. I used to be a very successful human, and every day I cant help but think about that. I'm 1% of what I used to be and what I expected of myself.

I have some 'normal' days which feel like euphoria, and I do my best to make the most of themm when I have the energy. But mostly, I spend life wishing I would just die already. That feels fully rational too. I genuinely want to give up, after all these years. I know suicide is wrong but f**k i wish it wasnt.

Edited by Anonymous (06/17/21 11:19 AM)

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Anonymous #3

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27352345 - 06/17/21 01:20 PM (2 years, 9 months ago)

What part of the world are you in?

Loneliness is a bitch alright. I didn't experience it, or financial hardship, until this past year, and I'm nearly forty.

Go easy on yourself man. It's been a really hard year for us all. Millions have fallen into poverty cause COVID. Millions have experienced feelings of isolation they never had before.

You gotta learn to forgive yourself, you're only human, and as long as you're trying your best, you can find some peace with that. And if you're not, then do what you must so that you are. Things will work out in the end, and we need these rough patches so that we have the resilience and fortitude to make that happen.

You can't get to being a better person without these hardships.

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Anonymous #4

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #27352371 - 06/17/21 01:36 PM (2 years, 9 months ago)

I'm glad you're reaching out.

It's been hard here too. If you don't like your job can you find another job that's at least fun? I always thought a job like Trader Joe's would be cool. Go camping or take a road trip.

suicide... Usually good shit is right around the corner.

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Anonymous #1

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #27352430 - 06/17/21 02:26 PM (2 years, 9 months ago)

I'm in the UK. Most of what i mentioned has been the case since i was around 12. It's not COVID's fault. I'm 34 now. Every relationship failure i've had has been catalysed by my mental health. And every one of those I've been unable to get over as a result.

There is so much in life I want to do. I spend all of my energy on trying to be active and to learn/better myself, and being in the outdoors. I know how to look after myself. I literally just took a roadtrip lol.
But I am constantly knocked back by the chronicity of my insomnia. Every therapist and psychiatrist has been unable to help me work it out. I have PTSD from some of the most severe episodes of insomnia, which have had me hallucinating and on the very edge of psychosis. I would not wish it on my worst enemies.

But the crux is I get so little sleep that I just can't cope with literally ANYTHING for any length of time. This means no job change, no future career, no goal setting, no relationships, no life progress, no major change. I just couldn't cope. No life.
I'm so over it. I just need to sleep. It's been YEARS since I have classed myself as a chronic insomniac. Anybody that experiences so little sleep would have terrible mental health, even as an otherwise healthy person. I was already on the back foot.

My life is a total mess and a total contrast to what I imagined and would ever want for myself, and this is what makes me so sad. I can't get out of this terrible hole that is my own life experience. I wish I would either totally lose my shit and my own consciousness, or else just die. Or get better. Which i really can't see happening, or have any answer to help me move towards it.

Edited by Anonymous (06/17/21 02:31 PM)

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Anonymous #4

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27352454 - 06/17/21 02:45 PM (2 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
There is so much in life I want to do.




I don't sleep well either. I can think of a couple of things that totally wear me out.

kids. Maybe find a job where you be a summer activity leader of some sorts.

you sound like a fit lad. do some cross training in something like skateboarding or something you never do. Every time I go I get totally worn out by trying to not fall on my face.

Just ideas i'm throwing out there. I have hope for you. btw get some fish & chips for me.

love yourself. you sound like a great person

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Anonymous #1

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #27352463 - 06/17/21 02:54 PM (2 years, 9 months ago)

Unfortunately its more complicated than simply exercise or wear myself out. It often has the opposite effect. Some doctors have actually suspected bipolar disorder due to endorphins from  sending me 'overboard', and stopping me sleeping altogether.

When i say insomnia I don't mean just simply poor sleep. I mean next to NO sleep, for weeks at a time. I get crippling anxiety around sleep the rest of the time, for obvious reasons.

Thanks for the compliments mate. I know i'm a decent person, which is why I hate that i cant access anything anywhere near my potential that person. It gets too hard. I want to give up.

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Anonymous #4

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27352475 - 06/17/21 03:05 PM (2 years, 9 months ago)

I'm sorry if I wrote that wrong. Working out to wear yourself is not good long term.

Just enough to have fun.

I'm sure you've tried taking it easy?

Especially being online. With the internet being accessible 24/7 it has not helped my sleep.

Back to kids. Does that interest you? I'm sure there are lots of kids that need supervision during the summer months.

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Anonymous #1

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #27352492 - 06/17/21 03:22 PM (2 years, 9 months ago)

Thanks for the suggestions. It's been years. Some things work sometimes and some times they don't. I'm not really in any fit mindset to be looking after kids though. Plus I know I'd never be a fit parent to boot. That makes me feel worthless as human. Maybe that's just Darwinism. It's a shame 'cos there's a lot I could pass on to a kid, if I were fit. 3 amazing women have left me because I couldn't face potential parenthood.

My therapist even told me "(I'm) currently too ill for therapy" which is a hard thing to hear, but there was context i promise haha.

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Anonymous #4

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27352516 - 06/17/21 03:45 PM (2 years, 9 months ago)

Give yourself a break man. Only you can do that.
Someone told me recently "Relax- stress can kill you"

We really are all "ill" to some extent. I figure I'm gonna die one day. Might as well ride it out. Life is unpredictable and that may be the beauty of it.

Edited by Anonymous (06/17/21 03:45 PM)

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Anonymous #5

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27352527 - 06/17/21 04:00 PM (2 years, 9 months ago)

Sounds like you should start a boxing-based mens club that devolves into an anarchist cult :tongue2:


I think your math is off. You are likely 50% diminished, and capable of a lot more than you're giving yourself credit for. You know what you were able to do just a few years ago.

I think you need to distinguish between your illnesses and problems, and the negative thinking you've built up around them. Your problems will take work to fix (but they are fixable you know), the negative thinking on the other hand- you can change that today.

You got a shit job? You can absolutely get a better one.

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Anonymous #6

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27370650 - 07/01/21 04:04 PM (2 years, 8 months ago)

I have severe insomnia also, OP. For years. Much of your post and thread has resonated with me deeply. It's pretty uncanny on some levels how similar you sound to me actually.

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Anonymous #7

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #27376974 - 07/06/21 09:28 PM (2 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
Hey all,
Adult male in early thirties here. I'm on here because I became interested in shrooms since they grow near me and I have a number of pretty chronic (lifelong) mental health issues. Namely depression and anxiety, and the main cause of my struggles is severe, chronic insomnia that is so truly debilitating and often brings me to the edge of madness, and insufferable pain.
Before things got so bad I was a successful, fit and healthy person, with great prospects and ambition and had achieved many good things to be proud of.

Late 2019 I quit my job of 15 years in the hope it would boost a potential change and ultimately help me in my struggles. It was a technical, skilled, well paid job that I enjoyed and the company were very accommodating to my illness. But the opportunity came up and I went for it. 'Change is good', i thought.
2020/COVID struck, and I was stuck at home jobless, running out of money, unable to sleep, losing my mind, and then my girlfriend left me because she wanted kids imminently and i was too ill to face it and refused, despite loving her greatly.
I managed to get a shitty part time job which doesn't cover my bills really and I'm still slowly running out of money, unable to afford shit, while my mental health deteriorates even further, slowly.
I hate my part time job, it's low skilled and low pay, but I am an intelligent and skilled man, who is just too ill to find or take up another career, and too ill to date or connect with others properly.
I have absolutely zero self-esteem or worth, lonely as f**k and skint as f**k, with no prospect of things improving. I've had years working with various therapists, working my ass off, and tried many medications, but absolutely nothing works long term. I constantly do my best to be a good person, but inside I absolutely despise myself and consider myself a waste of air on this earth.

What would you do in my situation?





Its as if I am typing what you are saying. We are the same. I'm sure there are millions of us out there.


All I can tell you from within the hole we exist...... Dont drink alcohol. Dont do drugs. Dont smoke cigs.

And if you can..... have a healthy diet and exercise regularly.


These are direct changes we can make as masters of our own fate. And you must be strong enough to integrate them into your life. You are no random bitch. Some weak stranger. You are YOU. You're a fucking nasty badass human with the strength of will to blot out the sun. Harness that power and make yourself better every god damn day. Incremental change.



Other than that another thing I hold on to is that eventually we will find a life partner. The older we get the more our dating pool changes. At 48 years old for example..... other 45-55 year old people will be desperate for a relationship. Also they will have been weathered by their own storm..... and know themselves more. Be able to be a better partner to you.


You wont be single for your whole life. Not a chance. So dont worry about being alone for life.




And I suppose..... be aware youre not there alone struggling. I too struggle with being the nice guy who gets walked over. Knowing full well I could trample across the lot of them.

We sleep well at night with our integrity intact. That is OUR benefit.



Keep fighting the good fight. Sorry you feel this way.


Much love. Good vibes.

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Anonymous #8

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #7]
    #27377035 - 07/06/21 10:55 PM (2 years, 8 months ago)

Real talk

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Anonymous #9

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #8]
    #27408133 - 07/30/21 06:28 AM (2 years, 7 months ago)

I know a guy who loves crack, he swears by benedryl for sleep.

Try painting. Volunteer at the food bank or whatever.

Road trips are good for building inertia.

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Anonymous #10

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #27433885 - 08/19/21 02:06 AM (2 years, 7 months ago)

Hey I'm also 34 with treatment resistant PTSD.
I had a breakdown in 2012, then started therapy. Obviously this was no quick fix. I finished therapy at the beginning of 2020.

I've been trialled on so many medications I've lost count. Most of them either did nothing or made me worse (more self harming, more suicidal, even pissing myself every time I fell asleep, or just generally psychotic). Those drugs are awful! I'm now on an SNRI that works for me, however you do build a tolerance over time and so I recently had to up my meds (panic attacks) which makes you feel like shit, like you just can never be free from the illness.

I see my illness like asthma: my meds are like a preventer inhaler. I microdose shrooms when life begins to get depressing, like a Ventolin inhaler for acute episodes.

The trouble with shrooms is that they are a stimulant and don't help you sleep. I had sleeping issues with my mental health also, but didn't find out about melatonin until about 2018. This is also not a quick fix - you have to be on them for about a month before you might start noticing anything.

Melatonin is a naturally occurring hormone which is released at night to aid falling asleep. Cortisol is released in the morning to wake us up. It's also released in times of stress (associated with a fight/flight response). The balance between these hormones regulate the circadian rhythm. When people are exposed to long term stress, or over exposure to cortisol, this contributes to deteriorating mental health, irregular circadian rhythm and inability to sleep, then difficulty waking up.

My advice is to try it for 6 months and see how you go. Take it away the same time each evening after dark. It won't make you go to sleep like sedatives, it's just giving your body what you need when you need it. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to sleep. Take up reading at night or learn a language or play sudoku. Something using your mental ability that doesn't require moving round.

In addition, continue with gentle exercise 4 times a week, make meal times at the same time each day, and try to shower every day (sorry, I know how hard all these seemingly simple things seem when you aren't well).

Melatonin changed my life, and I no longer take it as of February. I also got a dog in April, never had one before but I can highly recommend as an adjunctive therapy - I never expected a dog would be so good for my mental health and it sounds like you need a friend and sidekick right now.

As far as work goes, it sounds like you are smart and can do anything you put your mind to. If you have hobbies, maybe start there as a potential job industry?

Hope this helps xo

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Anonymous #11

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #27450139 - 08/30/21 09:14 PM (2 years, 6 months ago)

I dont really understand why people cant get past something.... I see or experience something horrible and I just move on... I'm going to have to eventually right?

I would say try to get your job back since u say u liked it. And get your girl back if u say u loved her. Take a deep breath and realize your good at a lot of stuff. Take pride in what you're good at because that can make you who you are to others and yourself. Once you understand yourself you will be able to be confident because you will accept yourself. If you can be healthy in that way kids will change your entire life while keeping everything somehow the same and raising them will be one of the most rewarding things.

Take some time to learn about yourself... be brutally honest...not dramatic and real ...not exaggerated with yourself. Hiding and repressing never helps. You can do this because you're capable of almost anything.

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Anonymous #12

Re: In my 30s, life feels fucked. What would you do? [Re: Anonymous #11]
    #27459566 - 09/07/21 05:17 PM (2 years, 6 months ago)

Call out to God for help, seriously.. put aside any and all notions of who or what you think He is.. "But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul."

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