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OfflinePDU
travel kid vs.amerika
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Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 10,675
Loc: beautiful BC
Last seen: 8 years, 6 months
Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: CleverName]
    #2769505 - 06/06/04 04:18 PM (19 years, 9 months ago)

* * * unfounded Rhetoric - Rhetoric * * *


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OfflineGus
Back in town.

Registered: 07/16/03
Posts: 1,503
Loc: Quebec, Canada
Last seen: 15 years, 3 months
Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2769884 - 06/06/04 06:41 PM (19 years, 9 months ago)

hummmmm cookies...

Welcome back PDU, glad to see you around here again!

Seems to me you have the situation under control, great job :thumbup:

Here's a trick: whenever you want to do some coke, just call some friends, take the Hookah out and smoke some good ol' MJ instead  :grin:

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OfflinePDU
travel kid vs.amerika
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Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 10,675
Loc: beautiful BC
Last seen: 8 years, 6 months
Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: Gus]
    #2770103 - 06/06/04 08:40 PM (19 years, 9 months ago)

Thanks for the welcomes Gus.

However, see - i find fault with solutions such as those proposed. Replacing one questionably/objectively harmful behavior with one which is quantitively less harmful - is not a Solution.

In order to find a solution one must address the problem - not with a less destructive replacement, but understanding of the root cause.

_____________________________________________________________________

To elaborate on the situation;

I was a chronic marijuana smoker - proud to the bone for 3-4 years - In retrospect i see the reasons being; Sadness, avoidance, numbing, stupid contentness, and in general a dulling of existance - All reasons which are practiced in order to fill a void.

VOID.

What is it? lack of - substance, emotion, exposure, ambition, direction, happiness, feelings, thoughts - etc.

Still in retrospect i see the EXTREME detriment marijuana payed me through my most important developmental years - Rather than helping me fill the void - it helped me forget i had a void.

NOW, with cocaine - There was NO reason to be doing it aside from the fact that i could. Sure fast heart rate, euphoria, the rush of the score .... reasons, but not valid ones - more like excuses to justify going off track.

The fact is that i was doing cocaine for no reason aside from the fact that it was there and i wasnt saying no.

Cocaine messed up my life for this brief period, hardly noticable to the outsider, but cocaine didnt fill a void. I had no void to fill. Life treats me better than 99.8% of the people out there, and i pull together the rest magnificantly - Cocaine was the only thing there was to bring me down ... and it did ... Just not in-escapably.

Without it, life's jagged little piece's are comming back together.

Whenever i want to do some coke - i wont replace my inexcusable behavior with a slightly less stigmatized one.

Rather, Whenever i want to do some coke - Ill think about every reason i have NOT to do coke. I will think about the power I have over MY decisions. I will think of How much of a BETTER person i will be for fighting my battle, rather than letting it fight me to the ground.

Anyways, thanks for the positivity guys - I guess im just not your typical addict.


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OfflinePDU
travel kid vs.amerika
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Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 10,675
Loc: beautiful BC
Last seen: 8 years, 6 months
Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2776667 - 06/09/04 12:39 AM (19 years, 9 months ago)

And yet i still want it. Its not an option, but why - why do i think about it - dwell. Why? 2 - 3 weeks at most - horrific behavior - my nose still pagne's ... My gums bleed. Why do i want it ....

Strong, but agrivated.

Glad im experiencing this, the way i am.


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Offlinewrestler_az
PsiLLy BiLLy
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Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 13,679
Loc: day dreams of a mad man
Last seen: 1 day, 14 hours
Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2777131 - 06/09/04 05:47 AM (19 years, 9 months ago)

you want to do it for the same reason virtually everyone in the coke scene wants it....addiction. i had my days with the chronic coke use while living with a coke dealer...i moved out of that place a couple years ago and i still  wake up some mornings wanting a line or two. coke is a very hard thing to quit doing, especially once youve gotten used to it, once it becomes routine...like your cookies. there isnt really an easy fix all plan here....staying away from the coke scene helps, but its hard these days. alot of my friends growing up through highschool have entered the scene, am i just supposed to turn my backs on my best friends cuz im not strong enough to say no? you seem very determined and goal oriented and i have no doubt in my mind that you can and will do what you need to do. i wish i could say more, but quite frankly im still not quite done fighting it. if it was right here in front of me right now i dont think i could not do it. but its not here in front of me right now, and im not doing it...so thats one good thing i suppose :grin:

good luck man....


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how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 

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OfflinePDU
travel kid vs.amerika
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Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 10,675
Loc: beautiful BC
Last seen: 8 years, 6 months
Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: wrestler_az]
    #2793927 - 06/15/04 02:45 AM (19 years, 9 months ago)

Alright guys -

Im so sorry to everyone i responded so defensively to. I was wrong, ive slipped, ive fallen, the hole is deep.

I KNOW this is over, there is no choice. I want to LOVE life, and i want to have my personality back.

Anyways, so here's the current story - I stopped June 1st, and on June 10th my roommate celebrated with 2 small lines of some new stuff, we had a fantasticly productive nite - just like it all started out; we read to each other, wrote, worked on art and clothing projects, and played music ... Positive completely.

But of course the downfall. The night after that i gave in and did a half flap, and smoked rock the nite after. Said id break my pipe, but didnt ... Then a couple lines with my roommate, and finally 2 lines and i called it quits - re signed my contract and got REAL low on my situation. Yet tonite i found some, and couldnt resist ... i could, but didnt. Got real low after doing a couple chongers - Super fast heart rate - and honestly i felt worse than i ever have - worse than when my first girlfriend admitted to me to sleeping with my best friend, broke up with me in his house, and then got into his bed and slept beside him while i cried all nite. Yes.... that bad. Not only that, ive lied to so many friends.

THATS how i know its bad. Well amonst everything else ... its bad.

Ive seen the people at the top, and the bottom...

I mean, right now im in my first ever apartment, downtown ... choosen for location - all the other tenants are crackheads and just watching what goes down on the street is disgusting and scary. I used to be good friends with a man who owned one of the largest houses in town, greatly prominent ... and clean. I watched my college buddy slangin put and shrooms to the college, turned to whites, and within 4 months his 8" stacks of 20's had disappeared into poverty.

No fuckin more. I cant temp myself....

shit, help me.


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Offlinewrestler_az
PsiLLy BiLLy
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Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 13,679
Loc: day dreams of a mad man
Last seen: 1 day, 14 hours
Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2793948 - 06/15/04 03:04 AM (19 years, 9 months ago)

i wish i could, but the truth of the matter is you gotta help yourself....im not sure how much your into the idea of a rehab, but it has helped some people...might be a posibility...besides that, all i can say is keep at it, you can quit this shit...


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how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 

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