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OfflinePDU
travel kid vs.amerika
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Registered: 12/04/02
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Would you talk about life with me?
    #2743717 - 05/29/04 08:55 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Well, 3 or 4 months ago - and long before that, i was a very regular and constructive poster... life's been hectic, and ive been away for awhile - but i miss this place, and will be using this post to re-integrate. Hello to the new, and old users.

So whats this all about?...

Well, before i left i was in *super development* mode, making major life transitions. My old posts here reflect the transition from sad and lost to optimistic and ambitious... Since then, ive ended a very important friendship due to his destructive habits, gotten a Job i love and flourish at, started to get involved in my community, and have gotten out on my own for the first time...

All experiences - and living with my best friend (might aswell say we're the same person we are so alike) is awesome, although slightly less productive this first month, than it should be - and here is why.

Cocaine. The devils advocate.

Through and through i am a psychedelic guy, i had my destructive marijuana habit in the earlier years of highschool, but aside that, psychedelics have helped me become quite fantasticly different in a well received way. Never a caffeine addict, or pill junkie, never an abuser in any way - PDU - Proud drug user - staying proud by the most critical standards.

Psychology/ working with people is my niche - and during my development i found a passion for even working with my friends at overcomming their addictions ... and its something im interested in pursuing during part of my career.

But....

Id never felt any form of addiction at all, maybe food ...

but now, being on my own, and doing well - the oppurtunity to destroy myself and my soul with the develish powder comes up WAY too often. Self control is there, moderation, knowledge and support - yet for a couple weeks ive thrown them out the door. A couple small binges (especially small by most *problem users* standards), and fairly regular use - probably daily even if only a couple line's or a gummer..

Now, because of my psychedelic experiences and out of body experiences, i can say with confidence i am more aware of my body than a majority of people, and consequently i am more aware of the subtle cravings and the resulting emotions - which is a good thing.

I know, and have always thunk of cocaine in a completely negative manner - the consequences, the money, the ego, the stigma, the organizations, the violence, and the people ive seen go down - Any form of regular use is negatve in EVERY way....

(continue'd in response...)


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GO OUTSIDE.


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OfflinePDU
travel kid vs.amerika
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Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2743722 - 05/29/04 09:15 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

So, now - Stopping (i could say Trying, but that show's doubt - continuing is not an option)

I have SO MUCH to fill my life with;

books
learning
talking to people
experiencing life
exploring art
gaining credentials
entrepreneuring
working with kids
writing zines
making music
etc, etc, etc...

When i want a line, its just like when i want a cookie. So ill explain, there's a coffeeshop i frequent many times daily, who makes the best cookies ive ever had. Ive gotten in the habit of eating 2 or 3 daily, i really enjoy them, its routine, a ritual ... and i would say they improve my quality of life just through mindset. Fact is, i like being in control, and its hard to say no to the cookie - I live super close and walk past the place a million time's a day - that spells; Oppurtunity. - Naturally i think about it, i want it, i want it oh so bad - whats 75 cents? Where else will 75 cents purchase something that will satisfy me on the same level as one of these cookies?

Its not like i'll experience cookie withdrawl - but if i dont buy one or two or three - it will constantly be on my mind, and its just too easy to justify.

The similarities are comical, relatable, and ironic.

I like to be in total control - and since ive been into psychedelics ive considered every food and nourishment i take as mind altering, and acted appropriately. (for example, off good chocolate i get very noticably euphorically high. Impaired off headache medication.) So i find myself giving into temptation too much, weather its eating meat, giving in for some fast food, or sucking another line up my nose ... its the same psychological response putting the craving and desire over what I want. The worst part about it, at this point, is that im aware that i dont want any of this, yet i do it anyways - its just like kicking myself in the face.

Anyways, after this, ill do one more line ... read, and feel ashamed of myself.

My roommate who mostly feels the same, is taking this on with me, we might have on more night of reflection, and then thats it, for awhile, No more recreational use - no more giving in.

Any feedback at all is appreciated - I hope to keep this thread alive sort of as a log - just something to look at as a reminder. Help me do that.

Much thanks - hope i get to talk to some new people. Hopefully we can all learn.

Much love guys.


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GO OUTSIDE.


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Offlinebitmonkey
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Registered: 05/13/04
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Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2743741 - 05/29/04 09:43 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)


Hey PDU,

Sounds like you have your habit under control, which is good. How much do you know about NLP and hypnosis? They can be very useful for this sort of thing.


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OfflinePDU
travel kid vs.amerika
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Registered: 12/04/02
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Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: bitmonkey]
    #2743759 - 05/29/04 10:14 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

please share, i know very little.


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OfflinePDU
travel kid vs.amerika
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Registered: 12/04/02
Posts: 10,675
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Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2744260 - 05/29/04 02:14 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

I definately ended up getting another half flap to continue my nite sleeplessly, just finished now at 11am, pot and ghb have very good feelings flowing ... they are soon to run out. Its my only day off, and i have some important - supposed to be sober kinda things to do today. I hope ill get a couple hours sleep shortly.

So pointless,

-First time ive stayed online for a long time in age's, not bad when its raining... or your on outrageously wicked coke.

Anyways, i think this will probably be my last time for a decent amount of time unless i end up for one last nite that will actually be productive friendship wise before the first. Then we quit together. June first has been building up in my head, in self preperation, and anticipation. My head works like that - i have to set a completely irrelevant time to initiate something new, and let it build inside me covering every scenerio and emotion attached, so im prepared fully without a doubt or hint of hesitation.

Im gonna tidy up my lifestyle a fair bit - first month out on my own has been a bit reckless - onto; working with kids, putting on shows, writing, cutting out gluttony, aswell as ego games, eating less meat and saving more money, exercise, lifestyle, focus - etc etc etc.

One more month and were in a house rather than an apartment and itll just solidify all the progress i/we make.

- i actually feel dumber after all this - no less physically messed. Lesson learned..

So, sleep or a couple more rippers...


--------------------
GO OUTSIDE.


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InvisibleKackleDude
transmundaneother

Registered: 06/11/02
Posts: 863
Loc: Close to the Edge, Down b...
Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2744371 - 05/29/04 03:06 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Best of luck man, sounds like you're very driven and on the right path.
Quote:

So, sleep or a couple more rippers...


<<--that's the thought pattern that needs to be broken.


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yeeeahh, it's gonna be well wicked


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InvisibleLeViTY
I missed theark.

Registered: 10/10/02
Posts: 1,988
Loc: CA
Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2744388 - 05/29/04 03:14 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

You've obviously made a lot of progress recently; and that's something that should make you very proud of yourself.

Addictions are the worst, both physically and mentally. I know it sounds stupid, but I have a super intense addiction to food. I think about it all the time, and even get anxious and panicky if food isn't available for my consumption.

It seems like you're living a pretty active life. When I want to get my mind off of food, I make myself busy by playing guitar or going out with friends, or even just reading old magazines. Your idea of going to get a cookie to deal with cravings is a really good idea. Maybe you could do more NEW things to take up your time instead of having time that makes cocaine usage an option.

It's really good that you have a friend who can support you and help you deal with this. Friends are amazing when it comes to stuff like that. It's also really impressive that you're able to admit that your behavior isn't good and that it needs to be changed.

I wish you luck, man. I know you'll come out of this.


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OfflineSheepish
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Registered: 04/02/02
Posts: 10,137
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Last seen: 1 month, 1 day
Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2744988 - 05/29/04 08:20 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Welcome back. I was wondering where you had dissapeared to.


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Offlinebitmonkey
Stranger
Registered: 05/13/04
Posts: 8
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2745008 - 05/29/04 08:37 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)


PDU,

I could tell you a lot about NLP and hypnosis, but if you want help with a specific problem like this it's much much better to see a trained NLP practitioner in person. NLP is a brief therapy approach to treating stuff like addictions, it's normally a one or two session job. Look for a psychotherapist who advertises as an NLP practitioner or NLP master practitioner.


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OfflinePDU
travel kid vs.amerika
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Registered: 12/04/02
Posts: 10,675
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Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: bitmonkey]
    #2745875 - 05/30/04 07:15 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

ah well, im confident in myself without a doubt.

Just not being in denile about it, and talking talking talking about it with everyone i can - is awesome therapy.

Ill see if i can find some reading material on NLP.


--------------------
GO OUTSIDE.


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Offlinebaraka
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Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2747728 - 05/30/04 09:42 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

As hard as it may be, the best thing you could do is not be around the coke scene.  Watching people chop up lines and around poeple who are high on the stuff is going to make it a lot rougher to stay away.

Eat acid and shrooms rarely and just smoke herb and you will be a ok :smile:.


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This is the only time I really feel alive.


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OfflinePDU
travel kid vs.amerika
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Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: baraka]
    #2749098 - 05/31/04 05:35 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

na, its easier to stay away, when you see the destructiveness of their habits. Just the exact reminder of what i dont want to be.

Just gotta acknoledge the fact that i choose to thrive, or die. ITS MY CHOICE.

thanks guys.


--------------------
GO OUTSIDE.


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OfflinePDU
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Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2751850 - 06/01/04 02:27 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

The power of the mind eh? Shit, no problem, and its not going to be hard to stay away. Just had to convince myself of that fact.


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GO OUTSIDE.


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OfflineGrandpa
Oh, my achingback

Registered: 07/22/03
Posts: 265
Loc: Springfield
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Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2762084 - 06/04/04 02:23 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

go pdu.

I have a friend who was just like you, a professed psychedelic lover, always condemned coke, who started experimenting with it because it fit it with his open mind to new things.

Quickly he was binging ever weekend, doing a few lines a day, and i think the worst it got was a 3 day binge where he had to stop because his nose was so clogged.

I hate addicts. They have such a one track mind.

Your a psychedelic man PDU. Remember that. We're brothers on that level along with almost everyone on this forum. Haven't we learned from our experiences yet?

Leary says: Turn on, Tune in, and Drop Out.
He doesn't mean drugs or high school or anything expliciit like that.
He means turn on, get your mind in that mindset, open to new things, greet, and than after the initial meeting, the high, you need to tune in, explore the netherregions, make all the best memories you can muster. Than you must drop out. Stop. It all comes to an end anyway. Don't delude yourself to far, you always have to drop out. It's the rhythm of life.
Turn on, Tune in, drop out, turn on, tune in, drop out.

:smile:


--------------------
I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs.
--Nancy Reagan, former First Lady


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OfflinePDU
travel kid vs.amerika
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Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: Grandpa]
    #2762223 - 06/04/04 03:50 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

i find images of rocks in my head. "pipe dreams" so to speak. Glistening stones crushing under a card, graphic details of my name, and my pictures on my ID crushing my vice, The spray of fine dust, the arch of the curved line. White dust, must never come between, me and who i am.

Sometimes the brilliant idea of a cocopuff, or crack rock comes to mind .... then my consciousness returns to remind me, why i signed a contract to stay far away.

its not hard, its not hard at all - its just the realization that subtle urge's like this are to be turned down - rather than givin into.


--------------------
GO OUTSIDE.


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OfflineSeussA
Error: divide byzero

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Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2763094 - 06/04/04 01:44 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

> then my consciousness returns to remind me, why i signed a contract to stay far away.

Be careful of time... if you are like me, then after a while you forget the bad and remember the good...


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Just another spore in the wind.


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Anonymous #1

fith me? [Re: PDU]
    #2763124 - 06/04/04 01:55 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

gfdg


Edited by Anonymous (04/28/11 03:09 PM)


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OfflinePDU
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Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #2765277 - 06/05/04 03:27 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

I dont think thats true at all. I can, and always will, no matter what be able to get cocaine.

The problem is the fact that i think about it, when i know i dont want it. Its not a challenge in the SLIGHTEST to say no - Yeah, i get physical cravings, i might even dream about it .... im thinking about it right now, and for the past while. But no is an easy word - I would have never let myself binge for a few weeks if i wasnt in the situation i was in, and now my body is kicking my ass for it. Thats how life goes - I wont put myself in the situation again because i know im vulnerable - I might bust up a ball with some friends twice a year or so, or even just suck a gerb back and do some personal work every 5 months or so - Im not keeping track of any timelines or anything like that - but i know im in control, and when i feel confident and can assess the situation as

"Yes, putting this bag of acidic powder up my nose is going to be a beneficial thing which will not be negative because i wont let it be - and this is how im going to do that --->"

Its jsut i have more faith in my knowledge, reasons, and self control than to think that MY ACTIONS depend on the situation.

To doubt oneself is one's biggest weakness.


--------------------
GO OUTSIDE.


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OfflinePDU
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Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2767744 - 06/06/04 01:17 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

So where's the facts about what ive done to my nose. Its been 4 or 5 days, and my nose is still scabbing. Seems thinner, and more sensitive ... I definatley know people without any Cart. left inside ...


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GO OUTSIDE.


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OfflineCleverName
the cloudsshould know meby now...

Registered: 08/26/02
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Re: Would you talk about life with me? [Re: PDU]
    #2768655 - 06/06/04 12:37 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

you need to disassociate yourself from the whole coke scene....that means getting away from friends, places, and activities that promote coke.

tell your friend you dont want to do it anymore, so your moving out, and dont hang out places and with people doing the things you did when you were on coke.


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if you can't find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?

this is the purpose


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