Hi all, here's my report from a long-awaited trip last night, after successfully weening myself off anti-depressants (mirtazapine) in order to do so safely and effectively. Recently starting vaping indica weed has helped me massively with this.
The trip is very fresh in my head so if anything seems completely bonkers that's why haha. Some of it is from notes I made during the trip.
I suffer long term with chronic depression, insomnia and anxiety, and psychedelics have always been on my mind as a way to explore this and potentially benefit me. Past trips have always been slightly marred by my anxiety and medication interactions, hence not rushing into it again. Surprisingly, my use of cannabis has felt more psychedelic and introspective than i ever expected, and I use it as a great tool. The perfect preparation a trip, and it has really opened up meditation for me in a big way.
I'm fortunate that in my area there are MANY Libs growing in season, and last year during lockdown I must have picked nearly a wet kilo! But the circumstance at the time, terrible mental health, relationship breakdown, financial worries, meds etc meant that i knew tripping was a bad idea. Luckily I stored them in doses in a glass jar with loads of silica sachets.
Prep:
With so much experience dealing with my own mental illness, I am a pretty insightful person and know what feelings to expect from a given situation.
At the front of my notebook, I wrote myself a list to hold close during my trip, that would ground me if I started to lose sight of my goals. List as follows:
- Love yourself and be kind to yourself.
- Thoughts are just thoughts, wherever they wander, they are still just thoughts.
- Don't be afraid to stare back at negative past events and bad memories, you are here to learn from them.
- Accept life how it is - it is meant to be like this.
- YOU WILL BE FINE
- Keep learning.
- In the history of time and space, you are irrelevant and unfathomably tiny.
The Trip:
I tied up the loose ends of the day and settled into an easy watch on Netflix, and prepped my Volcano for a few tasty hits of the Kush I'm using, hoping it would settle any anxiety/panic I would experience on come up.
I didnt want to overdo the dose so I decided on 1.5g (ground espresso fine), particularly given the locals had all said that 2020 was a very strong year for the little Libs. I did however, prep it using lemon juice, and diluted with warm water, and drunk it over 15 mins or so.
I switched off my TV at 9pm and put on the beautiful album 'New Energy' by Four Tet. Within another half an hour, my living room transitioned steadily into becoming a totally different scene, reminiscent of Venice (i dont know why, my floor was a canal!). Initially i was able to enjoy these visuals, while also being able to snap myself back into reality whenever I wanted. Within another half an hour, I was inhaling the beautiful scent of Four Tet's harp sounds, and my living room was a breathtaking scene of neon, light emitting itself from nothing, and i fell in love with my hifi speakers. I have never seen such beautiful colours.
2 or 3 times I found myself convulsing in pure rapture, ecstasy, and the only way I could handle it was by weeping with joy that I haven't felt in years.
I remembered why i was here and why I had decided to take this drug. To learn, and try to develop a healthy perspective of myself and the world, instead of perpetual self-hate that I deal with daily.
With the open-eye visuals still in full swing, I began to realise that everything, absolutely everything in my perception is completely the creation of my own brain (or my consciousness, which I think is more fitting). With this realisation, utter gratitude for the sheer scale and range of things that I, as a human being, am able to experience, hit me hard, in a wave of grateful euphoria.
It struck me that every sentient being that has ever existed has the same capacity as me to perceive such beauty, terror, emotion and sheer awesomeness, and that 'I' (my conscience) is, in fact, the infinite universe, and every thought we have opens up a new possibility in our own universe, exponentially. 'I' is everything and nothing, simultaneously. You are infinitely tiny and insignificant, yet what your conscience gives you is the entirety of reality and existence.
Another theory that arrived was that the time window we exist in, its events, thoughts, and everything that exists in it, is merely a giant coincidence of an unfathomably huge number of events that have collided and come together perfectly by chance, fleetingly, to create what we experience right now, only to pass and become chaos once more.
I noticed that if I got too close to a definitive conclusion on these theories, it would seem something was teasing me, not allowing me to know too much.
I have a bad relationship with memories and the past, and sitting there I felt 'memory' sitting on my right shoulder, with a purple/red hue. An old woman, who I called 'Memory'. She slowly explained to me (with the help of closed eye visuals) that even the worst memories only become negative when they are not cherished regularly, and are allowed to fester without attention. There is some ineffability to this, and I am yet to reflect on it properly but it seemed quite profound.
Occasionally I would become overwhelmed with the magnitude of these thoughts and that my brain could create such things. At these times I would stare back at my comforting list, and become grounded again. That notebook was my life support and i'm so grateful I wrote the things on it.
My music of choice ended, and with that I decided to go and lay in my bed. Even on a good day, bed always induces anxiety because I have had such bad and traumatic experiences with chronic sleep deprivation and all the knock-on effects. The thought of it terrified me, especially without music. But I told myself I am here to learn, and found myself grateful for the preparation I had done prior to the night.
As I climbed my stairs, the visuals took a break, but I pushed open my bedroom door into the dimly lit room to find that my bed and covers were dark, and surrounded by smouldering embers and flames. A terrible sight.
My desire to confront my anxiety around insomnia and the association with my bed overtook my fear, and I slowly climbed into the scene, enveloped myself inside the burning, smouldering bed, smiling to myself as i knew that this had taken a certain bravery, and commitment to the trip.
As mental comfort settled back in, the terracotta walls and exposed woodwork of my bedroom glowed warmly, with subtle patterns on the walls and ceiling, but they seemed to be fading and the trip was moving further into my conscience. The outside world was irrelevant. I had brought my ipod upstairs with me, but it although it wasn't switched on, music was playing. Upon realising this, I again found myself grateful that my brain could create music, all on its own.
I shut my eyes, and dropped deeper into intense introspection. I decided to look at the bad memories and regrets in my life. In a sepia landscape, I saw my soul, and it was crying. I don't know if it was mother nature or the one I am calling 'I', but it came to the crying soul, and embraced it with forgiveness. "It's OK, you are doing your best. Don't be scared", it said. It was a wonderful moment.
It was about 12.00am now, and I was wide awake and a little restless, and feeling mentally fatigued, so i decided to get up and grab a cold beer, and put my focus on enjoying my senses for a bit. Contrary to the last time I tripped, the beer tasted a little bland and gave me slight nausea, but I didnt worry too much. I figured I must be coming down, and there were now next to no visuals apparent.
I sat up in bed with my ipod now on (Four Tet again), trying to relax. The trip was purely in my head now, and felt like a very introspective, mindful but strong anxiety. I still clung to my notebook for grounding. A prominent thought, "be in tune with yourself" suddenly popped into my head. I didn't know how to interpret that at the time, so i wrote it down as it seemed important.
I'm not sure if this is a thing, but i was becoming very fatigued and loaded and I wanted the trip to end, but knew it wouldn't do just yet. It almost felt like boredom, but i tried to embrace it and I once again shut my eyes, and eventually found myself back in the sepia landscape. I wanted to ask myself why I was here. 'I' replied, "you do not need to be here, you are doing just fine". This was extremely comforting, and paradoxically, I realised that I would not have found this out if I hadn't taken this trip. "You are doing just fine".
This lead to more note-making, and here is what I wrote:
"You thought you didn't love yourself. Would a person without love for themselves be seeking to improve themselves, constantly nurturing themselves, like you are? And upon realising that, you realise that you do not need to better yourself. You are fine. I love you"
I find myself emotional reading that again. It was my soul talking to me through the pen, and it told me it loved me.
It got to 1.30am and I felt extremely fatigued, yet still wide awake. Time to chill and allow my brain to rest, I thought. I went back downstairs, got some food and threw South Park on the TV, with another bit of Kush from the vape. At 3am I became drowsy and fell into a great sleep, although annoyingly I'd forgot to turn my 6.30am weekday alarm off!
My mind still feels 'full' with some anxiety, but I trust this will ease in the next day or two with some rest.
I hope this report was a good read for you and not too longwinded. I'm not sure what 'level' it equates to, but given it was only 1.5g I thought it was quite strong, and hopefully useful.
The main difference between my normal consciousness and the consciousness I experience while using either weed or psilocybin is that I can allow myself to fully accept or believe positive, affirming thoughts when i am high. This is my focus when I use these tools to meditate, and hopefully, steadily, it may change my outlook on life and self in the everyday scenario.
The coming few days will hopefully yield some more reflections and unpacking. It will be a while now before my next trip.
Edited by Tom66 (08/15/21 10:11 AM)
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one thing that can be removed from your pre trip affirmations:
"- In the history of time and space, you are irrelevant and unfathomably tiny. "
as true-ish as that may seem to be, it challenges one's defenses, and that references more egoic discomforts.
instead, take from your trip visions eg:
"It struck me that every sentient being that has ever existed has the same capacity as me to perceive such beauty, terror, emotion and sheer awesomeness, and that 'I' (my conscience) is, in fact, the infinite universe, and every thought we have opens up a new possibility in our own universe, exponentially."
It helps to observe and reconnect with how nature, which is its own cause, causes everything, permeates us and everything, and is everything all the time - and how it is perfect as it is while it keeps on naturing.
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