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InvisibleBlue_Lux
τό κᾰτᾰπεπτωκός φροντιστής
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 12/07/19
Posts: 4,664
Loc: chillin' on Charon's skiff
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: tholos]
    #28672443 - 02/23/24 08:38 AM (4 months, 13 hours ago)

I'm not sure I believe in humanity anymore. People are too dumb and/or wretched.


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I the music, not the bling
atissimæ profundæque
                              veritates amandæ sunt,
                              sic ideo necesse est:
                              res maxima amanda est.
                      potus sitis bene scimus
                cum nos id adeo explet,               
              cum alto hic movet imus:
                res maxima omnis amor.

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Offlinespirit_shadow
Beta Crypt 3
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 29,008
Last seen: 4 hours, 44 minutes
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: Blue_Lux] * 1
    #28672487 - 02/23/24 09:16 AM (4 months, 12 hours ago)

The shaking has come back the past few nights. The other night it was so bad I thought for sure an earthquake was about to occur. It HAS to be seismic activity as I live right on a seismic zone....


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I'm so old school I don't even know what old school means.....(this account is automated, all posts related to illegal activities or advice thereof are strictly from numerous online sites and are for informational purposes only)- Circa 2011
Ban lotto

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InvisibleBlue_Lux
τό κᾰτᾰπεπτωκός φροντιστής
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 12/07/19
Posts: 4,664
Loc: chillin' on Charon's skiff
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: spirit_shadow] * 1
    #28672517 - 02/23/24 09:33 AM (4 months, 12 hours ago)

Lol. They're digging beneath you! Take cover!


--------------------
I the music, not the bling
atissimæ profundæque
                              veritates amandæ sunt,
                              sic ideo necesse est:
                              res maxima amanda est.
                      potus sitis bene scimus
                cum nos id adeo explet,               
              cum alto hic movet imus:
                res maxima omnis amor.

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Offlinespirit_shadow
Beta Crypt 3
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 29,008
Last seen: 4 hours, 44 minutes
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: Blue_Lux] * 1
    #28672599 - 02/23/24 10:39 AM (4 months, 11 hours ago)

I'm all for joking but if an earthquake does happen directly under me I'm gonna be pissed 💀


--------------------
I'm so old school I don't even know what old school means.....(this account is automated, all posts related to illegal activities or advice thereof are strictly from numerous online sites and are for informational purposes only)- Circa 2011
Ban lotto

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InvisibleBlue_Lux
τό κᾰτᾰπεπτωκός φροντιστής
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 12/07/19
Posts: 4,664
Loc: chillin' on Charon's skiff
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: spirit_shadow] * 2
    #28672654 - 02/23/24 11:09 AM (4 months, 10 hours ago)

Call me beforehand. I'd go for a nice earth swallowing and plummeting right about now. Naw im kiddin. But realistically, shit seems like it's about to hit the fan like Krakatoa.


--------------------
I the music, not the bling
atissimæ profundæque
                              veritates amandæ sunt,
                              sic ideo necesse est:
                              res maxima amanda est.
                      potus sitis bene scimus
                cum nos id adeo explet,               
              cum alto hic movet imus:
                res maxima omnis amor.

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OfflineThe Ecstatic
Chilldog Extraordinaire


Registered: 11/11/09
Posts: 34,324
Loc: 'Merica
Last seen: 8 hours, 18 minutes
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: Blue_Lux]
    #28672918 - 02/23/24 02:50 PM (4 months, 7 hours ago)

Guys is this good




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OfflineGenesisCorruptedS
Taoist, Writer, Student, Artist
Male Unread Journal User Gallery


Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 08/01/23
Posts: 12,909
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 1 hour, 13 minutes
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: The Ecstatic]
    #28672932 - 02/23/24 03:00 PM (4 months, 6 hours ago)

IMO
Above thirty percent is considered shit poster quiality

20s are average

10 and below is really agreeable. You rarely have the last word.

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InvisibleGenericHero
crap dangit this sucks!


Registered: 07/07/20
Posts: 2,336
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: The Ecstatic]
    #28672943 - 02/23/24 03:14 PM (4 months, 6 hours ago)

Quote:

The Ecstatic said:
Guys this is good







No, it isn't


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halfass mycology

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InvisibleGenericHero
crap dangit this sucks!


Registered: 07/07/20
Posts: 2,336
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: GenericHero]
    #28672962 - 02/23/24 03:40 PM (4 months, 6 hours ago)

My stash was getting old. I dissolved it into alcohol for freezer storage. Cooked a fifth down to five fl oz. Shit tastes like Heineken. I don't hate it


--------------------
halfass mycology

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Offlinetholos
Stranger
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Registered: 03/06/23
Posts: 564
Last seen: 2 days, 3 hours
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: twighead] * 1
    #28672969 - 02/23/24 03:51 PM (4 months, 6 hours ago)


Shrek (film)/Transcript
This is the transcript for the 2001 film, Shrek.

Transcript
The DreamWorks Pictures logo plays out, with dreamy music playing underneath. At the end of the logo, the S's in "DreamWorks" and "SKG" turn green and sprout ogre ears, matching the film's logo. Credits saying "DreamWorks Pictures Presents" and "A PDI/DreamWorks Production" appear.

A ray of light shines down on a leather-bound storybook. The book opens and a Scottish-accented voice begins reading its text:

SHREK: Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower. For her true love and true love's first kiss.

The voice laughs. A big, green hand rips out a page of the book and shuts it closed.

SHREK: Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of -

We see an outhouse and hear the sound of a toilet flushing. Out steps SHREK, an ogre, who tugs at his underwear and shakes his foot of the page still stuck to his shoe. He looks lovingly at the swamp he calls home, and goes about his daily routine. This includes taking a mud shower, brushing his teeth with bugs, bathing in a muddy pond, gathering giant slugs for dinner, and painting a warning sign.

In a nearby village, an angry mob gather up to go after Shrek. At night they gather their torches and pitchforks and enter the swamp, trampling over Shrek's warning signs. Shrek sees them after investigating the commotion, rolling his eyes. The villagers stop outside Shrek's home, unaware that Shrek is sneaking up behind them.

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

VILLAGER 1: Think it's in there?

VILLAGER 2: All right. Let's get it!

VILLAGER 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

VILLAGER 3: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

Shrek chuckles, revealing himself to be standing behind the mob.

SHREK: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant.

The mob gasp.

SHREK: Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin...

Shrek slowly approaches as the villagers back away in fear.

VILLAGERS: No!

SHREK: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

VILLAGER 1: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

The villager waves his torch in Shrek's face. Shrek casually licks his fingers and pinches the flame, extinguishing the torch. The villager drops it.

VILLAGER 1: Right...

Shrek terrifies the mob with a great frightening roar, his spit extinguishing all the remaining torches. He wipes his mouth and waits for the villagers to stop screaming.

SHREK: (Whispering) This is the part where you run away.

ALL: (Screaming!!!)

Shrek laughs as the men drop their torches and pitchforks and run away as fast they can.

SHREK: And stay out!

He looks down and picks up a wanted poster dropped by one of the villagers. He reads it aloud.

SHREK: "Wanted. Fairytale creatures"?

He sighs and walks off. dropping the poster to the ground.

THE NEXT DAY - FOREST

Fairy tale creatures are put in chains and led into wagons by Duloc Guards. The Captain of the Duloc Guards sits at a table paying a line of people their rewards for turning in the fairytale creatures. Those waiting in line include Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Geppetto who is carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer carrying the Three Little Pigs.

GUARD: All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!

THE CAPTAIN: Next!

GUARD: (Taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half)

THE CAPTAIN: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

The captain hands over the reward to the villager who turned the witch in. The villager mutters to himself.

VILLAGER: Lousy twenty pieces...

GUARD: Get up! Come on!

Waiting in line is Donkey on a leash and his owner. He looks in horror at the witch and a group of dwarves being loaded into a wagon.

GUARD: Sit down there! Be quiet!

Mama Bear and Papa Bear are locked inside giant cages, with Little Bear in his own cage.

LITTLE BEAR: (crying) This cage is too small.

DONKEY: (To his owner) Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

OLD WOMAN: Oh, shut up. (Smacks Donkey)

DONKEY: Oh!

THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got?

GEPPETTO: This little wooden puppet.

PINOCCHIO: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows)

THE CAPTAIN: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

PINOCCHIO: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!

Geppetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table.

THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

THE CAPTAIN: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

OLD WOMAN: Oh, go ahead, little fella. (Donkey stays silent).

THE CAPTAIN: Well?..

OLD WOMAN: Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. (Smacks Donkey again) Talk, you boneheaded dolt, talk!

THE CAPTAIN: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

OLD WOMAN: No, no, he talks! He does. (Moving Donkey's lips) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talking-est damn thing you ever saw.

THE CAPTAIN: Get her out of my sight.

OLD WOMAN: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and starts floating upwards.

DONKEY: Hey! I can fly!

PETER PAN: He can fly!

THREE LITTLE PIGS: He can fly!

THE CAPTAIN: He can talk?!

DONKEY: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (The pixie dust's effects begin to wear off) Uh-oh. (He drops out of the air and hits the ground with a thud.)

THE CAPTAIN: Seize him!

Donkey dodges the guards as they try to grab him and runs deeper into the forest.

GUARDS: He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn!

Donkey escapes deeper into the forest and runs head first into Shrek's backside. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him and glares down at Donkey. Donkey looks scared of Shrek for a moment, but he quickly hides behind him after seeing that the guards have caught up to him.

THE CAPTAIN: You there. Ogre!

SHREK: Aye?

THE CAPTAIN: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and...(Shrek slowly approaches the group of guards, the guards visibly frightened by him) transport you to... a designated...resettlement...facility?

SHREK: Oh, really? You and what army? (Smiles)

The Captain looks behind himself and sees that all the other guards have abandoned him. The Captain tucks tail and runs off. Shrek shakes his head and starts walking back to his swamp. Donkey, impressed by Shrek, follows him.

DONKEY: Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!

SHREK: Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa!

DONKEY: Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

SHREK: (Annoyed) Oh, that's great. Really.

DONKEY: Man, it's good to be free.

SHREK: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

DONKEY: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before loudly roaring in is face.

DONKEY: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks!

Shrek walks off. Donkey reappears ahead of him, dangling from a felled log.

DONKEY: Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.

SHREK: Why are you following me?

DONKEY: I'll tell you why. (Drops from the log. Singing) "'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have friends..."

SHREK: Stop singing! (Picks up Donkey by his ears and tail) It's no wonder you don't have any friends (drops him).

DONKEY: Wow. Only a true friend would be that truly honest.

SHREK: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

DONKEY: (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh...really tall?

SHREK: No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?

DONKEY: (Shakes his head) Nope.

SHREK: (Surprised) Really?

DONKEY: Really, really.

SHREK: Oh.

DONKEY: Man, I like you. What's your name?

SHREK: Uh, Shrek.

DONKEY: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of "I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me" thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. (They come over a hill overlooking Shrek's home.) Woo, look at that! Who'd want to live in place like that?

SHREK: (Annoyed) That would be my home.

DONKEY: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. (Looks at Shrek's "keep out" signs) I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

SHREK: I like my privacy.

DONKEY: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint and they won't leave. And there's that big awkward silence you know? (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?

SHREK: Uh, what?

DONKEY: Can I stay with you, please?

SHREK: (sarcastically) Of course!

DONKEY: Really?

SHREK: No.

DONKEY: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (Donkey pushes Shrek up against the door) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

SHREK: Okay! Okay! But one night only.

DONKEY: Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the hut)

SHREK: Ah! What are you...no! (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No!

DONKEY: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin'... I'm makin' waffles.

SHREK: (Groans in frustration)

DONKEY: Where do, uh, I sleep?

SHREK: (irritated) Outside!

DONKEY: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door, shutting Donkey outside) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me...


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InvisiblePowdered_Toastman
I'm a teapot


Registered: 05/30/11
Posts: 2,181
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: Powdered_Toastman] +
    #28334868 - 05/25/23 11:43 PM (52 minutes, 50 seconds ago)
Reply to this postReply  Reply to this postQuote  Quick ReplyQuick Reply

SHREK'S HOME - NIGHT

Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits down, lights a candle made out of his own earwax, and begins eating. Donkey looks inside from a window, and then lays down by the front door. Shrek is about to take a bite when he hears a creaking noise. He stands up with a huff.

SHREK: (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside!

DONKEY: (from the window) I am outside!

Shrek hears a noise from inside and turns to find the source. He sees several shadows moving and looks around. He sees the Three Blind Mice on his table.

MOUSE 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

MOUSE 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

GORDER: (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.

SHREK Got ya. (Grabs Gorder, but he escapes and lands on his shoulder.)

GORDER: I found some cheese. (bites into Shrek's ear)

SHREK: Ow! (tries to grab him)

GORDER: Blah! Awful stuff. (jumps down to the table)

BLIND MOUSE: Is that you, Gorder?

GORDER: How did you know?

SHREK: Enough! (he grabs all three mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey!

Shrek turns around and sees that the Seven Dwarves have put Snow White, sleeping in her glass coffin, on the table.

SHREK: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table! (pushes the coffin away)

DWARF: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

SHREK: Huh?

Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is laying in the bed.

BIG BAD WOLF: What?

Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door.

SHREK: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy?

He opens the front door and throws the Wolf out. He sees that a horde of fairytale creatures have set up camp in his swamp.

SHREK: Oh, no. No! No! (He dodges out the way of a group of witches flying on broomsticks)

The Three Bears (minus Mama Bear) sit around the fire, the Pied Piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.

SHREK: What are you doing in my swamp?!!

Shrek's voice echoes throughout the camp and everyone falls silent. Gasps are heard all around. The Three Good Fairies hide inside a tent.

SHREK: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

DWARVES: Hey! Quickly. Come on!

More dwarves run inside the house and shut the door behind them.

SHREK: No, no! No, no. Not there! Not there!

Shrek fiddles with the door handle, unable to open it. He gives Donkey an annoyed look.

DONKEY: Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

PINOCCHIO: Well gosh, no one invited us.

SHREK: What?!

PINOCCHIO: We were forced to come here!

SHREK: By who?!

LITTLE PIG: Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice.

SHREK: (Sighs) Alright. Who knows where this... "Farquaad" guy is?

The crowd gasps at the mention of Lord Farquaad. No one answers.

DONKEY: Oh, I do. I know where he is!

SHREK: Does anyone else know where to find him?

Baby Bear raises his hand but Papa Bear quickly lowers his hand down. The Big Bad Wolf and a wizard point at each other.

SHREK: Anyone at all?

DONKEY: Me! Me!

SHREK: Anyone?

DONKEY: (Jumping up and down) Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

SHREK: (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention all...fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out! In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

After a brief silence, the crowd erupts into cheering and applause. This was not Shrek's intention. A group of birds drapes a cloak made of flowers around Shrek's shoulders, much to his annoyance.

SHREK: Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me.

Shrek brushes the cloak onto the floor, while the birds come back to place a wreath of flowers on Donkey's head. They make their through the crowd.

DONKEY: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

DONKEY: (singing) "On the road again...", sing it with me, Shrek!

As they walk away from the crowd Shrek grabs the torch from a dwarf cheering them on, who refuses to let go. Shrek shakes the torch until the dwarf falls into a pond.

DONKEY: "I can't wait to get on the road again."

SHREK: What did I say about singing? (yanks the wreath off Donkey's head)

DONKEY: Can I whistle?

SHREK: No.

DONKEY: Can I hum it?

SHREK: All right, hum it.

Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. The pair walk off into the night with Shrek's torch lighting the way.

DULOC - DUNGEON

A masked man is pouring a glass of milk. Another man is shown walking down the hallway towards a set of doors. As he is let into the room by two guards, we can see that the man is abnormally short. The masked man is dunking what looks to be a small person into the glass of milk.

FARQUAAD: (stepping forward) That's enough. He's ready to talk.

The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk by Thelonious and is slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad manically laughs as he walks over to the table. When he reaches the table we see that he is too short to see above it. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.

FARQUAAD: (he picks up the Gingy's severed legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!

GINGY: You're a monster!

FARQUAAD: I'm not the monster here, you are. (throws one leg at Gingy) You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world (crumbles his other leg into dust). Now, tell me! Where are the others?!

GINGY: Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.)

FARQUAAD: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he grabs one of Gingy's gumdrop buttons)

GINGY: No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons!

FARQUAAD: All right then. Who's hiding them?

GINGY: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

FARQUAAD: The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN: The muffin man.

FARQUAAD: Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

GINGERBREAD MAN: Well, she's married to the muffin man.

FARQUAAD: (Shocked) The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN: The muffin man!

FARQUAAD: She's married to the muffin man...

A door opens and the Captain of the Duloc Guards steps in.

CAPTAIN: My lord! We've found it.

FARQUAAD: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in!

More guards enter carrying an object covered by a sheet. They mount it on the wall and the Captain removes the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. Everyone stands in awe.

GINGERBREAD MAN: Ohhhh...

FARQUAAD: Magic mirror...

GINGERBREAD MAN: Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad smacks him off the table and a trash can. ) No!

FARQUAAD: Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

MIRROR: Well, technically you're not a king.

FARQUAAD: Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying?

MIRROR: What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

FARQUAAD: Go on.

MIRROR: (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And...here they are!

Bouncy gameshow music begins to play. Using himself as a screen, the Magic Mirror reveals three shadowy portraits of princesses. Farquaad seems confused but watches on silently.

MIRROR: Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime! Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome...Cinderella!

An image of Cinderella doing housework flips to a portrait of Cinderella in her ball gown putting on the glass slipper. Farquaad looks at her approvingly and the Captain claps.

MIRROR: Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy.

An image of the Seven Dwarves flashes on the screen. The guards laugh at the Mirror's joke.

MIRROR: Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is.! Come on, give it up for Snow White!

The mirror shows a portrait of Snow White in her slumber. Farquaad seems even more pleased, and everyone else claps this time.

MIRROR: And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!

The mirror shows an image of a giant dragon besides a tower and then of a giant castle surrounded by lava. A bright fire shines on the screen and Farquaad covers his eyes. This doesn't seem to deter his interest.

MIRROR: But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!

The mirror shows a portrait of Princess Fiona leaning on the window of her tower. Once again everyone else claps.

MIRROR: So, will it be: bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?

The mirrors flips through each princesses' portrait. The guards shout out different numbers while Farquaad frantically tries to decide.

GUARDS: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

FARQUAAD: (To himself) Two? Three? One? Three?

THELONIUS: Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord!

FARQUAAD: Okay, okay, uh... number three!

MIRROR: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

Wild applause erupts from the guards. Farquaad is captivated by the portrait of Fiona.

FARQUAAD: Princess...Fiona...she's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...

MIRROR: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

Farquaad doesn't listen to the mirror at all, too busy formulating a plan.

FARQUAAD: I'll do it.

MIRROR: Yes, but after sunset...

FARQUAAD: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament! (smiles evilly)

DULOC KINGDOM - EXTERIOR

Shrek and Donkey come out of the field just outside the Duloc parking lot.

DONKEY: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.

The two gaze up at Duloc Castle, a building that towers over the rest of the kingdom.

SHREK: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

DONKEY: Uh-huh. That's the place.

SHREK: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

Shrek laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.

DONKEY: Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

MAN: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry!

A man and woman run through the castle's entrance. In front of the gate is a series of ropes hung in a maze for crowd control. A mascot wearing a giant head resembling Farquaad stands at the end of the line. Shrek and Donkey exchange looks.

SHREK: Hey, you!

The mascot screams at the sight of Shrek and begins running through the roped path to get to the front gate.

SHREK: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just-- I just --

Shrek sighs in frustration and then begins pushing his way through the ropes. The mascot runs into a wall and knocks himself out. Shrek pushes through the entrance's turnstile, but Donkey gets caught in it and lands on the ground with a thud. Donkey sheepishly smiles and Shrek sighs in annoyance.

DULOC - INTERIOR

Shrek and Donkey look around the square, which is deserted. The trees and grass are neatly cut and the rows of houses all looked exactly the same. Chirpy music quietly plays from a set of loudspeakers.

SHREK: It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?

DONKEY: Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing.

WOODEN PEOPLE: Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town / Here we have some rules let us lay them down / Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine / Duloc is perfect place / Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your... face / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is perfect place.

Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture, both of which are dumbfounded.

DONKEY: Wow! Let's do that again!

Donkey makes ready to run over and pull the lever again but Shrek quickly grabs him by the tail.

SHREK: No. No. No, no, no!...No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare from afar and head over to investigate. A voice sounds from the distance.

FARQUAAD: Brave knights! You are the best and brightest in all the land, and today one of you shall prove himself better and brighter than all the rest.

As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena, Donkey hums the Duloc theme song.

DONKEY: Our swamp!

SHREK: Let go, Donkey!

DONKEY: You let go!

SHREK: Stubborn jackass!

DONKEY: Smelly ogre.

SHREK: Fine!

Shrek suddenly lets go of the branch, tripping Donkey over, and he walks away.

DONKEY: Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

SHREK: Well, I'm through with you!

Donkey starts following him.

DONKEY: Uh-uh! You know, with you it's always "me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention!

Just as Shrek nears the door to his home, Donkey jumps in front of him. Shrek walks in another direction.

DONKEY: You are mean to me! You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

SHREK: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

DONKEY: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

SHREK: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you...for stabbing me in the back!

Shrek enters the outhouse and slams the door behind him.

DONKEY: Uhhhh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.

SHREK: Go away!

DONKEY: See! There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. And all she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

SHREK: Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature! I heard the two of you talking.

DONKEY: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about...uh...somebody else.

After a brief silence, Shrek comes up of the outhouse.

SHREK: She wasn't talking about me? Well then who was she talking about?

Donkey turns his back to Shrek.

DONKEY: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?

SHREK: Donkey!

DONKEY: No!

SHREK: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

Donkey turns his head back to raise his eyebrow, and then looks away again. Shrek sighs.

SHREK: I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid...ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?

DONKEY: Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

SHREK: Right. Friends?

DONKEY: Friends.

Shrek and Donkey shake on it.

SHREK: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

DONKEY: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

SHREK: The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

DONKEY: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.

Donkey whistles loudly, and Shrek looks up to see Dragon flying overhead.

SHREK: Donkey?!

DONKEY: I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

SHREK: (laughs) Aw, come here, you.

Shrek scratches Donkey on the head.

DONKEY: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.

Shrek climbs up the chain still slung around Dragon's neck. Dragon lifts Donkey up with her hand. They take off, soaring through the clouds and to Duloc.

DULOC CATHEDRAL - INTERIOR

The church is packed with citizens. Fiona and Farquaad are standing at the altar as the priest conducts the ceremony. Thelonius stands nearby, golding a pillow on which rests the two wedding rings. Men with prompter cards hold up cards that says 'Revered Silence'.

BISHOP: People of Duloc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union....

Fiona glances nervously at the window, noticing the sun slowly dropping toward the horizon.

FIONA: Um-

BISHOP: ...of our new king...

FIONA: Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

Farquaad chuckles then motions to the bishop to indulge Fiona.

FARQUAAD: Go on.

DULOC CATHEDRAL - EXTERIOR

A large group of guards stand outside the cathedral on watch. Suddenly Dragon lands nearby and the guards flee in terror. Dragon looks back at Donkey after him and Shrek climb off of her back.

DONKEY: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that?

Dragon smiles, and nods, and takes off towards the town streets. Shrek runs for the cathedral doors but Donkey hurries to get in his way.

DONKEY: Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?

SHREK: What are you talking about?

DONKEY: There's a line, there's a line you gotta wait for. The priest is gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." And that's when you say, "I object!"

SHREK: Oh, I don't have time for this!

DONKEY: Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me!

Shrek pushes past him but Donkey pins him against the door.

DONKEY: Look, you love this woman, don't you?

SHREK: Yes.

DONKEY: You wanna hold her?

SHREK: Yes.

DONKEY: Please her?

SHREK: Yes!

DONKEY: (singing) "Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness". (talking) The chicks love that romantic crap!

SHREK: All right! Cut it out! When does this guy say the line?

DONKEY: We gotta check it out.

INTERIOR

As the bishop talks we see Donkey through one of the windows as Shrek tosses him up so he can see.

BISHOP: And so, by the power vested in me...

EXTERIOR

SHREK: What do you see?!

DONKEY: The whole town's in there.

BISHOP: I now pronounce you husband and wife...

DONKEY: They're at the altar!

PRIEST: ...king and queen.

DONKEY: Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

SHREK: Oh, for the love of Pete!

Shrek runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.

INTERIOR

Fiona and Farquaad are leaning in to kiss, but are interrupted when Shrek bursts through the doors. They both turn to see him running down the aisle.

SHREK: I object!

FIONA: Shrek?

Fiona initially looks happily surprised to see him, but quickly becomes upset. The bishop gasps, shuts his book, and quietly slinks off.

FARQUAAD: Oh, now what does he want?

The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek walk ahead towards the altar. They respond positively to him and begin to do "the wave".

SHREK: Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean.

FIONA: What are you doing here?

FARQUAAD: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding...

Shrek initially seems taken aback by Farquaad's unnessarily harsh comment, but he quickly brushes it off and turns his attention towards Fiona.

SHREK: Fiona! I need to talk to you.

FIONA: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me--

She leans over to kiss Farquaad but Shrek pulls her away by the hand.

SHREK: But you can't marry him!

She frees her hand from his grip.

FIONA: And why not?

SHREK: Because--because he's just marrying you so he can be king!

The crowd gasps.

FARQUAAD: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him--

SHREK: He's not your true love.

FIONA: And what do you know about true love?!

SHREK: Well, I--uh--I mean...

Fiona is taken aback by this.

FARQUAAD: Oh, this is precious. (laughs) The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs)

Farquaad gestures to the man with the prompter card holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs.

FARQUAAD: An ogre and a princess! (laughs)

Shrek looks back at the laughing crowd and then down at the floor, dejected.

FIONA: Shrek, is this true?

Just as Shrek opens his mouth to speak--

FARQUAAD: Who cares?! It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!

Farquaad holds Fiona's hand, puckers his lips, and leans toward her. She looks down at him with disgust, and then averts her attention to the window. The sun is just about to set.

FIONA: "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

Fiona backs up and gives Shrek a sheepish smile. As the sun sets, she changes into her ogre self. The crowd gasps and one person faints. Shrek stares at Fiona in astonishment, and then grins.

SHREK: Well, uh, that explains a lot!

Fiona locks eyes with Shrek and smiles.

FARQUAAD: Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now!

A large amount of guards run in and grab ahold of Shrek and Fiona.

FARQUAAD: Get them! Get them both!

FIONA: No, no! Shrek!

Shrek and Fiona try to grab each other's arms but are pulled away from each other. Farquaad grabs ahold of his crown and puts it on.

FARQUAAD: This hocus-pocus alters nothing! This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See?! See?!

FIONA: No, let go of me! Shrek!

SHREK: No!

FARQUAAD: Don't just stand there, you morons!

SHREK: Get out of my way! Fiona!

FARQUAAD: Kill him if you have to--but get him!

Shrek angrily fights back and knocks out a few of the guards, but they are able to subdue him through sheer numbers.

FARQUAAD: Beast, I'll make you regret the day we met! I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you!

FIONA: No, Shrek!

FARQUAAD: And as for you, my wife!

Farquaad pulls out a dagger and holds it to Fiona's throat.

SHREK: Fiona!

FARQUAAD: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king!

Shrek manages to pulls his arm free and he whistles loudly.

FARQUAAD: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have--

Suddenly Dragon, with Donkey atop her head, crashes through a large window behind him. Farquaad drops his weapon and looks up.

FARQUAAD: Arrrggghhh!

Dragon swoops down and swallows him up in one gulp. The guards either run away or step back.

DONKEY: All right! Nobody move! I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.

Dragon roars, causing most of the guards to away in fear. The remaining guards let go of Shrek and Fiona, backing away.

DONKEY: I'm a donkey on the edge!

Dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground.

DONKEY: Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

The congregation laughs and cheers.

DONKEY: Go ahead, Shrek.

SHREK: Uh, Fiona?

FIONA: Yes, Shrek?

SHREK: I -- I love you.

FIONA: Really?

SHREK: Really, really.

FIONA: I love you too.

Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and shows it to the congregation. Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers while the magic works around her. Fiona's voice is heard although she isn't moving her lips.

VOICE: "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide and light up. The force of the spell blows against the crowd and all the windows. All except for one with an image of Farquaad on it, which Dragon breaks with her fist. Fiona is lowered to the ground and Shrek runs up to her.

SHREK: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

Fiona slowly stands up, still an ogress.

FIONA: Well, yes...but I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

SHREK: But you are beautiful.

They smile at each other.

DONKEY: I was hoping this would be a happy ending.

Shrek and Fiona kiss and the kiss fades into...

THE SWAMP

...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now joined in matrimony in Shrek's swamp. Among the attendees are the fairytale creatures once banished to the swamp, as well as a few Duloc Guards. Shrek and Fiona walk down the aisle to their awaiting carriage, which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. They end get into a cat fight and Dragon catches the bouquet instead. Donkey looks nervous, but Shrek and Fiona give him reassuring looks. The Gingerbread Man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane.

GINGERBREAD MAN: God bless us, every one.

The guests party and dance as Donkey takes over singing the song. Shrek and Fiona ride away in their carriage. Cut to a storybook that reads "And they lived ugly ever after...THE END".

DONKEY: (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

THE END




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OfflineMystikal
Arranger
Male


Registered: 11/13/21
Posts: 1,577
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 1 day, 4 hours
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: tholos]
    #28672972 - 02/23/24 03:56 PM (4 months, 6 hours ago)

:africaface: Shrek! Thank you for sharing, I'll be sure to read it all.

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InvisibleGenericHero
crap dangit this sucks!


Registered: 07/07/20
Posts: 2,336
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: Mystikal]
    #28672975 - 02/23/24 03:59 PM (4 months, 6 hours ago)

I heard there was a secret chord that David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music do ya


--------------------
halfass mycology

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Offlinetholos
Stranger
 User Gallery


Registered: 03/06/23
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Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: GenericHero] * 2
    #28672977 - 02/23/24 04:03 PM (4 months, 5 hours ago)

Quote:

GenericHero said:
I heard there was a secret chord that David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music do ya





The brown note I reckon

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InvisibleNichrome
dog fart
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 12/17/18
Posts: 7,255
Loc: Zone 5
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: tholos]
    #28672981 - 02/23/24 04:07 PM (4 months, 5 hours ago)



--------------------
question everything, it's very responsive



“Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves - slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh


Gypsum

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Offlinetwighead
mͯó
I'm a teapot


Registered: 08/27/08
Posts: 30,540
Loc: Glenn Gould's Fuck Windmill
Last seen: 5 hours, 5 minutes
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: Nichrome]
    #28673033 - 02/23/24 04:59 PM (4 months, 4 hours ago)

WHATS IT TO YA HALLAJLEJUHHAH


--------------------
¿Check out some art m8?


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Offlinegopher
Coffee Bean Extraordinaire
I'm a teapot


Registered: 11/22/17
Posts: 14,351
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 8 hours, 6 minutes
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: Nichrome]
    #28673034 - 02/23/24 04:59 PM (4 months, 4 hours ago)

si=ucijZ4_w2UPOrAZr


Guys juice is doing a premier, stop in and say hi


--------------------
For most of the normies out there, an operating system is just a bootloader for Google Chrome.

Since Disney has obtained tremendous value from the public domain, knows how important the public domain is, and is firmly determined to never contribute anything to it.

My pronouns are He and Him, and my adjectives are Fat and Jazzy

:kratom:

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Offlinetwighead
mͯó
I'm a teapot


Registered: 08/27/08
Posts: 30,540
Loc: Glenn Gould's Fuck Windmill
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Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: gopher]
    #28673035 - 02/23/24 04:59 PM (4 months, 4 hours ago)

I'm a teapot


Registered: 08/27/08
Posts: 29,736
Loc: Glenn Gould's Fuck Windmill
Last seen: 2 seconds
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: Nichrome]
    #28673033 - 02/23/24 03:59 PM (4 seconds ago)
Edit postEdit  Reply to this postReply  Reply to this postQuote  Quick ReplyQuick Reply

WHATS IT TO YA HALLAJLEJUHHAH


--------------------
¿Check out some art m8?


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Offlinegopher
Coffee Bean Extraordinaire
I'm a teapot


Registered: 11/22/17
Posts: 14,351
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 8 hours, 6 minutes
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: gopher]
    #28673037 - 02/23/24 05:03 PM (4 months, 4 hours ago)

Quote:

gopher said:
si=ucijZ4_w2UPOrAZr


Guys juice is doing a premier, stop in and say hi





This guy is hilarious, he talks to himself


--------------------
For most of the normies out there, an operating system is just a bootloader for Google Chrome.

Since Disney has obtained tremendous value from the public domain, knows how important the public domain is, and is firmly determined to never contribute anything to it.

My pronouns are He and Him, and my adjectives are Fat and Jazzy

:kratom:

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Offlinetwighead
mͯó
I'm a teapot


Registered: 08/27/08
Posts: 30,540
Loc: Glenn Gould's Fuck Windmill
Last seen: 5 hours, 5 minutes
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: gopher]
    #28673038 - 02/23/24 05:05 PM (4 months, 4 hours ago)

magic marker


--------------------
¿Check out some art m8?


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InvisiblePatrickKn
I'm a teapot

Registered: 07/10/11
Posts: 21,014
Re: Thread Killers - Shroomerys Most Lethal [Re: twighead] * 2
    #28673042 - 02/23/24 05:08 PM (4 months, 4 hours ago)


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