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OfflineNonagon Infinity
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I have feelings for a good friend's ex
    #27123173 - 01/03/21 03:45 AM (3 years, 1 month ago)

A little over a year ago, one of my best friends started dating a woman he met through his work. He introduced me to her, and she's super cool. Great sense of humor, easy to talk to, kind, cool with psychedelics, you get the picture. At the time, he was relatively inexperienced with relationships. This is the first woman he ever had sex with, and I think he came across a lot of stuff he wasn't really expecting. I was one of the first people he would talk to whenever they experienced bumps in the road together, so I knew a lot of the details of their relationship just from that.

As for her, I would consider her a good friend. Most of the time, if one of my male friends has a girlfriend, I would only ever spend time with her if he invited her to something I was doing with him. That wasn't the case here. She and I were in contact during their relationship independently of him. We would text about stuff, but it was all strictly platonic. She never made a move on me or anything, and though I liked her, I never really considered her as a prospective romantic partner due to her relationship with my friend.

After a few months, the bumps in the road for them start to become bigger, and it's clear to me that they're either going to enter an extremely toxic dynamic with one another, or they're going to break up. My friend has a long conversation with me telling me that he's pretty much going to break up with her the next time he sees her. When people open up to me like that, I tend not to be the sort of person who gives out advice - I do more listening than talking, and I essentially just encouraged him to follow his heart and trust that he was making the right decision.

A few days later, she reaches out to me over text, saying that she's really confused about her relationship with my friend and that she just needs a third party to talk to about it. I offer to meet her at a coffee shop, and we get together. In my discussion with her, I discovered a very different picture of her relationship with my friend than the one he had been painting for me. Without getting into specific detail, he had done some stuff to her that wasn't exactly kind or respectful - borderline abusive, but that's too strong a word for what was actually going down. My conversation with her now had a clear purpose: she was basically looking to have her feelings validated. She felt that something wasn't right with his behavior, but whenever she talked with him about it, she would leave feeling confused, convinced that maybe she was just making a big deal out of nothing. I think the psychological term for this phenomena is gaslighting (I know that's a bit of a buzzword these days, but I think this is a legit example of it). I reassured her that she wasn't making a big deal out of nothing, and that her feelings were totally valid. She tells me that she plans on breaking up with him the next time they see each other. I don't tell her about my discussion with him earlier where he essentially came to the same conclusion - I just give her the same sort of encouragement, telling her to just follow her heart and trust that she's making the right decision.

After that, the conversation keeps going. We just start talking about life, the universe, and everything. We discuss other relationships we've had in our lives, there's a lot of laughter, a little bit of crying. There's a genuine connection here, and I find it to be pretty inspiring. When the discussion wraps up, she expresses gratitude for the conversation. She's obviously feeling better, and I feel pretty good about it as well. They break up, and she kind of slips out of both of our lives. I never told him about the night I met up with her because I didn't feel like it was super important to tell him about it. There was definitely a connection between her and me, but neither of us let it escalate to a physical thing, so I figured there was no harm in just keeping it to myself.

Fast-forward to the present. My friend is happily involved with another woman, pretty much over his ex as far as I can tell. It's been probably close to a year since she and I had that conversation at the coffee shop, but it really stuck with me, and I have a feeling I'm not the only one who feels that way. Anywho, I had an experience that reminded me of her around Christmas, and I just decided to reach out to her. I didn't even know if she still lived around these parts. I told her about what happened, told her I was thinking of her, and I said I hoped she was having a killer holiday season in spite of the pandemic and everything. Much to my surprise, she responds enthusiastically, saying that she's been thinking about me recently as well, along with a bunch of other details about her current situation. It was almost like we picked up where we left off.

I've got some sort of feelings for her, and it feels pretty mutual. I don't necessarily think it will go anywhere romantically, nor am I really trying to go that direction with her right now, but the line of communication between us is open, and I'm happy about that. The only complication is that I'm still really close with my friend. We still hang out pretty regularly, and I have no idea how he would feel about me talking to his ex. I value my friendship with him a whole lot, and I don't want something like this to come between us.

My intuition tells me that it's probably best to just let her be. There are plenty of other cool women out there who didn't also happen to date one of my best friends. My intuition has been wrong before, though. I wish I could just take my own advice: follow my heart, trusting that I made the right decision.


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OfflineTight Lunchbox
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Re: I have feelings for a good friend's ex [Re: Nonagon Infinity] * 1
    #27123808 - 01/03/21 12:29 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

I usually go with what my instincts tell me.

When I was younger I would never think of being in a romantic relationship with someone who one of my friends previously dated, but I no longer feel that way. If your friend has moved on and is dating someone new then I don't see the harm in it, and if he is a good friend he'll want you to be with the person who makes you happy, even if that person happens to be his ex.


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InvisibleLynnch
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Re: I have feelings for a good friend's ex [Re: Tight Lunchbox] * 1
    #27125169 - 01/04/21 03:30 AM (3 years, 1 month ago)

I wish you had 'bumped into' this girl somewhere, so you could mention that to your friend and see how he responds.
If you were to pursue something, it is probable that there will be some kind of discomfort with your friend. It sucks, but we're all at least a little jealous and possessive deep down. But you know him better than we do. Maybe he's completely over it and would be more happy for you.


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OfflineNonagon Infinity
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Re: I have feelings for a good friend's ex [Re: Lynnch]
    #27134235 - 01/07/21 11:05 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Tight Lunchbox said:
If your friend has moved on and is dating someone new then I don't see the harm in it, and if he is a good friend he'll want you to be with the person who makes you happy, even if that person happens to be his ex.



Yeah, that rings true with me for sure. I imagine there would be some amount of discomfort if things were to progress between her and me. At the very least, it would probably create some distance between us. Either way, I couldn't see even something like this leading towards him resenting me (and, if he did end up resenting me over developing a connection with someone I feel passionately about, then I don't really care to have him as a friend anyway, ya know?).

If things do progress and he and I become more distant as a result, I don't even think that would be the worst thing in the world. Friendships fluctuate throughout life, and the human mind has a knack for turning an unknown future into a catastrophe. This situation is probably worse in my mind than it would actually be in reality.

As a related aside, I once dated a girl in high school for about six months. I know that's not a terribly long time, but it's a long time for a high schooler haha. Anyway, after we broke up, one of my best friends met her under different circumstances after we had all graduated, and they wound up developing a significant relationship with one another (deeper than the one I had with her, in my opinion). It was a little awkward at times. He made efforts to keep his relationship with her separate from our friendship, and I didn't really care to see her either. Nevertheless, we remained friends through the whole thing. They're not together anymore, and he and I are still very close friends. We've found ways to just laugh about the whole thing and it's even become somewhat of a bonding experience for us. I never felt any resentment towards him, so I think it's fair for me to ask for the same sort of respect in my current situation.

Quote:

Lynnch said:
I wish you had 'bumped into' this girl somewhere, so you could mention that to your friend and see how he responds.




Yeah, that would be a nice way to bring it up in conversation, but it's also not necessary. Overall, it's not even something I really need to talk to him about until it comes up organically (if it goes anywhere at all). The way I see it, I don't need to ask his permission to be in communication with her. It might be awkward, but it's not something I presently feel guilty about or anything.

Quote:

Lynnch said:
If you were to pursue something, it is probable that there will be some kind of discomfort with your friend. It sucks, but we're all at least a little jealous and possessive deep down. But you know him better than we do. Maybe he's completely over it and would be more happy for you.



Yep, I agree about the inevitable discomfort and possessiveness. Ultimately, I think it's something he and I can get through, though. I've been through similarly complex situations, and true friends will support you no matter what.

As things stand right now, she and I still talk, and the connection is great, but I'm not really pushing it in any direction for the time being. She's a really cool person, and there's a lot for us to talk about. She told me she always kind of felt like there was a missed connection between us due to the circumstances under which we originally met, and she seems pretty grateful that I made an effort to restore that. I guess we'll see where it goes from here.


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InvisibleMojo
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Re: I have feelings for a good friend's ex [Re: Nonagon Infinity] * 1
    #27141942 - 01/11/21 12:30 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

As you gain in years you will notice strong friendships outlast temporary relationships, and strong relationships outlast temporary friendships.


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OfflineNonagon Infinity
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Re: I have feelings for a good friend's ex [Re: Mojo]
    #27141972 - 01/11/21 12:45 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Mojo said:
As you gain in years you will notice strong friendships outlast temporary relationships, and strong relationships outlast temporary friendships.



Very good way of putting it. I'll probably steal that :smile:

You're absolutely right, though.


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OfflineNonagon Infinity
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Re: I have feelings for a good friend's ex [Re: Nonagon Infinity] * 1
    #27144902 - 01/13/21 12:34 AM (3 years, 1 month ago)

Update: today was a pretty big day with respect to my OP. I've been in touch with this woman, and it's going great! Communication is fluid - I'm into her, she's into me. Pretty sweet.

Tonight, I sat down with my friend and just told him about what's been going on. I just told him I really value my friendship with him, and that I just needed to be straight-up with him, and I told him I've been in touch with her recently. Much to my relief (though, not really to my surprise), he was totally cool with it, and he really appreciated that I just told him about it rather than allowing it to get to a point where he found out via other means. That went about as well as I could have asked for!


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InvisibleLynnch
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Re: I have feelings for a good friend's ex [Re: Nonagon Infinity]
    #27146054 - 01/13/21 02:27 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

:highfive1:
Good job dude. Another win for honesty.


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