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Anonymous #1

Another episode of dysfunctionality
    #27128061 - 01/05/21 11:56 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Hey comrades,

I have been lurking for about a decade, woth very seldom posting. I see the world through a more collective le s and establishing an atomized online prescence has always been difficult for me. But today I am coming to the shroomery to ask those of you with good heart to show me some clarity. My only real friend has only been with a few women in his years and isn't the most knowledgable when it comes to relationships, however much he tries. I will thank you all in advance- this is a read.

Basically, in the summer of 2017 I got out of a long distance relationship from high school. After a few months, I met my current partner. After a month we became pregnant with our first son. While she was pregnant she had hyperemesis graviderum, and was vomitting on average 10 times a day, could barely function, or even hold a job. I jumped to her side and made sure she was taken care of. This is when we decided itd be best to struggle, but allow her to be home to raise the kid. He was born, but our relationship started to get rougher. Spring 2019 was the worst we had ever been, but into the summer we perservered and we're doing very good loving eachother. That June I was in a near death car accident and haven't been the best mentally or financially since. Shortly after, she decided our son needed a sibling close in age. I pushed back, but she made it contingent on the relationship to get what she wants and evem threatened IBF. Of course I eventually caved, but it would stick as a major source of tension.

Early 2020, after the TWINS were born, her parents kept our son the night we came home despite plans to have him dropped off, they also ignored all co tact from us until after he was in bed. A year prior, her dad assaulted me in a drunken fit. This started a process for her of remebering childhood abuse. These events combined created the conditions that would propel her to liberate herself from the hold it had on her. I tried to be a diplomat listening and trying to mediate. She was sure she didn't want either of her parents involved with us, and it was apparent I was on her side, but believed the tongue could fox the issue. This culminated in June when a series of events got her dad and police involved. I told her I wouldn't let her parents in, but after she left I wanted to discuss what occurred. I got her from the ward a few hours later and she was so betrayed when I eventually told her. This was the end of her parents involvement.

She told me this would make her not prone to reactionary violence, but it seemed to get worse. Her parents harassed her with narcissistic letters, love bomb gifts, and even circled our neighborhood and told lies to our neoghbors. She wanted to move states and I had wanted to live in a state where I cpuld legally grow for awhile. I had to pull up 12 pre-flowering girls a few months back because her mom mentioned the three letter organization of orphan makers.

Another point of tension happened this past late summer. After a playground trip, I talked shit about some entitled white girl who was being rude to my son. She started shitting on me for it HARD. As we were pulling in she said she was gonna slap me when we got inside. I said nope and got myself a tall boy. I came home and told her I needed to calm down downstairs, but she followed me to take the beer. I previously had a little issue with the bottle but wasn't battling bad alcoholism at this time. After blocking my brew with my body she gave up and said she would call the cops and falsely accuse me of drunken domestic violence. I assured her I'm not going to jail for that and I'd make sure to blow a couple of them state-sanctioned thugs away with me. She got scared by this notion and called her friend to come pick her up and take her to a hotel. After I forcefully got her friends address I let them go. Even though O wanted them gone all week they came back the next night. She wanted me to pay her friend back for the hotel...obvipusly I said fuck that it wasn't my choice. And that was it.

We were set to move in November. She found an empty pint of jager (the terrible urge needs to be satieted a couple times a month to remind me why its a shitty drug) a few weeks before and went ballistic. The next morning she woke up screaming and tearingapart the kitchen as I was leaving. She took my car keys. This morning turned into me receiving property and some physical violance from her. She recoiled into a catatonic state, and I had to call off work to be with the kids, because she was still in this state. She was better in the evening. The next day, it was going to be a third day in a row of this. More events happened but it ended with me putting a round into the drywall. She told me she tried overdosing the day before so I guess in a way I was trying to scare her in a way that scared me. And of course, her and my parents teamed up to throw me in a ward for a week.

Now this is the event that is causing me to reach out.
I approached her to calmly talk about how I don't like how her mom and her call my political philosophy delusional. I agreed it is passionate and obsessive, but clearly did not match up with delusional. After several dehumanizing words, I gave up on her validation and went to work. I texted my friend venting and stated that if she practices astral meditation, it could be hypocritical to call anyone delusional. While I was gone she called and thoroughly apologized. I got home she asked to see my phone for something, and I told her what I told my friend. She got super insecure, said she could never regain this lost trust, we're never having am intact family, and stormed to bed. The next morning, I told my friend what happened and mentioned she thinks shes gonna get me to watch the kids while she works part-time to save money and not pitch in with bills. Fuck no I was in debt for years so this woman could be a stay at home mom. She woke up and was civil, but looked at my phone and saw this. I maintained it wasn't talking shit, I was talking to my friend how I feel. Next thing I knew the kitchen was being thrown apart and she was screaming at me. I faced the violence until I couldn't and eventually snapped and messed up a crochet toy she was in the process of making. I left to go to my friends an hour away but she called me back. First it was "come home. I want to talk, if you dont talk I'll invite someone else over to talk." I declined. Then it became "You're a dad. Come help take care of your kids." I fought this but ended up going back. I got home and she didnt need help. She just wanted to argue more. After she kept telling me I talk shit, I wondered if she talked shit. I asked for her phone amd saw not only did she download tinder and was talkong actual shit about me to a random dude, but the rest of it was very provocative. That is the moment my body automatically voiced "whore". I kept name calling as she tried to justify herself. I told her this would cause issues with co-parenting down the road, slammed the door and drove to my friends. She recoiled into a catatonic and suicidal state later and called me to say she deleted tinder and only wanted me and didnt know why she had to be so angry.

I hold on to a lot of resentment for past points of tension. Growing up woth a viole t and verbally abusive father, she naturally gets over things quicker. I look at this as an opportunity to really step back and get over that shit so it isnt always underlying. I did break her first finoshed crochet project and feel terrible for it. She has no drive to do it again, but is still in the catatonic state now.
I have been taking skullcap and low dose cannabis tincture since I've been out of the ward. I think she would benefit from this but refuses when she is in a state of mind it would help.

I am not sure what I am asking, I guess just looking for feedback. Several details were glossed over, but y'all did enough reading. Will love be able to fix this?

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Anonymous #2

Re: Another episode of dysfunctionality [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27128141 - 01/05/21 12:29 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

There doesn't seem to be any love there. Lots of drama and co-dependency. It always takes two to tango.

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InvisibleLynnch
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Re: Another episode of dysfunctionality [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #27129508 - 01/05/21 11:37 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Man. I think maybe get a time-machine, go back, and don't have kids with someone you've only known for a month.
Sorry. I think you two have problems that won't be solved with a forum post.
A few things jump out to me.
You put a round in the drywall IE you fired a gun in anger? You need to get rid of that thing before something awful happens.
There seems to be an issue with alcohol.. I'm not accusing you, but I hope you are entirely honest with yourself about your consumption and if it is affecting your life.
You both are checking each other's phones, in hope of finding something to abuse the other with. It's gotta stop. You need to practice trust in a healthy relationship.
You both sound young and immature, and are stuck in a cycle of tit-for-tat abuse because??? There are healthy ways to have disagreements and resolve differences.
Your kids need a healthy environment without all of this chaos. Figure out how to make it work, for them.
Do you love her?

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OfflineNonagon Infinity
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Re: Another episode of dysfunctionality [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27134272 - 01/07/21 11:43 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
More events happened but it ended with me putting a round into the drywall.




That ain't cool, man. I'm not saying that in a judgmental way (we all make mistakes), but I hope it's a wakeup call: destroying property like that during an argument with your partner is like... one step away from physical abuse. If I was arguing with a partner and they started damaging our home, I would be pretty freaked out and probably feel a bit threatened.

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
I kept name calling as she tried to justify herself. I told her this would cause issues with co-parenting down the road, slammed the door and drove to my friends.




Again, not cool, man. Your partner doesn't sound like the most perfect person, either, but you gotta take some responsibility for your own actions.

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
I am not sure what I am asking, I guess just looking for feedback. Several details were glossed over, but y'all did enough reading. Will love be able to fix this?



That's a good question, and I think the answer depends on what love is all about for you. For some people, "love" just means making your partner feel special, taking her out on dates, having sex with her, and offering compliments. However, relationships are hard work, and sometimes there are more important things in life (maybe being a father is what's most important for you, but I don't want to make that assumption). In my opinion, love isn't always easy. Sometimes, love means having difficult conversations, making sacrifices, and giving each other space. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for someone is just let them live a life without you.

To put it another way: have you considered separating and raising the kids with joint custody? Some parents make a better team when they don't live in the same house. My parents were much better parents as a divorced couple than they were when they were married. When my folks were married, it was extremely dysfunctional. There was constant fighting, violence, alcoholism, shouting, infidelity, and more. When they were divorced, they were still flawed people (all people are flawed in some ways), but they were distancing themselves from a relationship that was causing both of them stress, pain, and suffering. To that extent, they started taking better care of themselves, which ultimately led to them being better parents. I have healthy relationships with both of my parents now, and I would describe them as happily divorced. Just food for thought.

One final piece of feedback: To be frank with you, I think having children with someone you've only known for ten months was a big mistake. Additionally, I think it was an even bigger mistake to decide to have a second child with her when you didn't really want to. I don't know what IBF is, but if your partner was threatening you in any way, basically coercing you into having a child with her, I think that's pretty fucked up. However, even though she coerced you into it, you still ultimately agreed to do it with her, and I guess the only thing I can say is that you have to learn to live with the consequences of your actions in that regard.

Look, we all make mistakes in life, and sometimes we make mistakes that we can't really go back on. I think a lot of what you experienced with her parents, with her bogus threats to call the police on you, and all that other garbage could have been avoided had you simply not had children with her, but that's not the situation you're in. All of that said, I recommend not dwelling on it too much. At a certain point, you have to just trust that you're not on the wrong path in life. Life isn't about finding the right path or anything like that, and it's not about fixing mistakes, either. It's more like painting a picture than it is about getting to a destination. Paint whatever you like with the colors you have available to you, ya know?

Best of luck to ya.


--------------------
Nonagon Infinity Opens the Door

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