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InvisiblePenroc3
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relapse and recovery
    #27127538 - 01/05/21 05:08 AM (3 years, 23 days ago)

recently i meet a bar contact and wheil my DOC isnt benzos per say but benzos are in my top 3 drgus the other two being coke and dope.

I have been clean for years from the coke and dope and am im a methadone clinic

all that being said what is your out look on relapse and recovery?

I deleted all their contact info and blocked them and what not, I hate to ghost people but they were to easy to get and way to cheep.

i personally am looking at it as a bump in the road, no one told me to stop or pulled me aside so it didn't get bad THIS time.



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InvisibleAmanita86
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3]
    #27127541 - 01/05/21 05:17 AM (3 years, 23 days ago)

Do what you have to do to not take that shit..


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OfflineLeeHarvOz
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Amanita86] * 1
    #27127579 - 01/05/21 06:05 AM (3 years, 23 days ago)

shit goes down hill for me fast as soon as i get a bunch of bars.


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Invisiblemetalfaith
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: LeeHarvOz]
    #27127618 - 01/05/21 06:39 AM (3 years, 23 days ago)

Quote:

LeeHarvOz said:
shit goes down hill for me fast as soon as i get a bunch of bars.



I was going to say this, but I guess if he doesn't have anyone contact info that's a pretty big speed bump.. but we all know how to score drugs.

OP, this is how overdoses happen. Literally exactly like this.

Please flush that shit. You know you need to, that's why you made this thread.


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Offlineanatomality
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: metalfaith] * 1
    #27127627 - 01/05/21 06:45 AM (3 years, 23 days ago)

Well, why do you want to do these drugs? Do you honestly want to do them?
Why did you stop? Do you want to stay clean? What will you get out of it?
Do you deserve this? All good questions man, only you know the reasons and whys.

What are you trying to accomplish? This is your life, and you are free to lead it however way you choose.
I mean, freedom is terrifying.
Don't hurt yourself is a good place to start, but like I said, it's totally up to you, never forget that.


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“The strength of a person's spirit would then be measured by how much 'truth' he could tolerate, or more precisely, to what extent he needs to have it diluted, disguised, sweetened, muted, falsified.”


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Offlinemorrowasted
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: anatomality]
    #27127663 - 01/05/21 07:25 AM (3 years, 23 days ago)

Flush em dude. Once you have had a couple all bets are off


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InvisiblePenroc3
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: morrowasted]
    #27127698 - 01/05/21 08:10 AM (3 years, 23 days ago)

those are long gone.

i like benzos because everyday now seems like someone just hits re-start

Im kind of high strung as it is

its nice having zero fucks given.


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Offlinemorrowasted
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3]
    #27127715 - 01/05/21 08:21 AM (3 years, 23 days ago)

Long gone as in you ate them all or as in you flushed them? That looks like 52mg of xanax. Your post makes it seem like you took them. Please tell me you did not take 52mg of xanax


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InvisiblePenroc3
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: morrowasted]
    #27127726 - 01/05/21 08:30 AM (3 years, 23 days ago)

lol no

thats about a weeks worth.

and that was 2 weeks ago.

i feel like for me a real relapse would be using a needle or doing dope/coke


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Offlinemorrowasted
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3]
    #27127732 - 01/05/21 08:35 AM (3 years, 23 days ago)

Oh i assumed you had just gotten them right before you made the thread for some reason. I am frankly impressed you were able to avoid doing so

Taking that much xanax on a binge just seems like a recipe for jail and or serious panic attacks on the rebound


But you do you bro

Hope you got some people in your life that care


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InvisiblePenroc3
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: morrowasted]
    #27127756 - 01/05/21 08:50 AM (3 years, 23 days ago)

yeah i have a good program and a good family

i was just curious about what peoples thought about what is a slip and what is a full on relapse of if there is a difference


i had a wicked dope habit and never stole anything from anyone or did and really sketchy shit and have very few ghosts from that life dont linger anymore.

most of my friends died way to young.

abstinence is just another word for failure to correctly comprehend a situation


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Offlinemorrowasted
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3]
    #27127779 - 01/05/21 09:05 AM (3 years, 23 days ago)

Within the context of using language to describe psychology, each person is entitled to use whatever semantics work best for them.

As a former addict I found the fact that they made a big deal out of it when you use again to be counterproductive. Its like you lose all your social credit and take a major blow to your confidence.


The way i think about it is just if I used, I used. I know I shouldnt, so when I do acknowledge that I shouldnt keep on doing it. I dont ruminate over whether my use constituted a relapse or a slip. I just think of it like a mistake and learn from it as much as possible. This has been way more effective for me. I spent a long time being totally sober and doing jack shit with my life about being miserable as fuck. I "make mistakes" sometimes these days but my life is infinitely better than it was when I was in a mode of feeling shame everytime I did so


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InvisibleZombi3
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3]
    #27128071 - 01/05/21 11:58 AM (3 years, 23 days ago)

You shouldn’t need to be on methadone still if you’ve been off the dope for years as you state.

I think you need to be honest with yourself about why you’re still on the methadone.
Either you’re looking to get “high” with a more socially acceptable and medically supervised drug or you think you’ll relapse if you quit.
In either scenario you and I both know getting on the bars will lead you back to dope, quickly.

Methadone shouldn’t be needed any longer than 3-6 months if you’re actually truly trying to get clean.
Methadone just holds you in a state of suspended junkiedom, you’re not using but you’re still an addict.
You aren’t clean until you’re off the Methadone.

Now add Xanax into that mix and not only are you playing with 2 CNS depressants and increasing your chance of concerning or fatal respiratory suppression but you’re also leading yourself back down the road of addiction.

Stay away from the Xanax and taper off the methadone OP.

Unless youre looking forward to relapsing that is..


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Offlinemorrowasted
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Zombi3]
    #27128099 - 01/05/21 12:12 PM (3 years, 23 days ago)

Quote:


Methadone just holds you in a state of suspended junkiedom,
Methadone shouldn’t be needed any longer than 3-6 months if you’re actually truly trying to get clean.




No offense dude but you're in a state of nonsuspended junkiedom from what I can tell, with no apparent interest in "getting clean" either


I used to have your attitude, that users who get on sub or methadone maintenance just wanna keep getting high without all of the rigamarole of obtaining black market drugs.

Now my attitude is, so what if they do? If they tell me that's how they choose to live, whatever. I wouldn't want to be dependent on subs forever, but I'm not going to sit and judge anyone who decides to make that decision for themselves.

I know multiple people with long term suboxone dependencies that a) don't ever seem to be high to anywhere near the extent that heroin addicts get high and b) have basically normal lives. wives, children, decent jobs, a reasonable level of interest in doing the kind of stuff "normal" people do like socializing, exercising, and playing sports, and stuff in their apartments rather than at the pawn shop, etc. I don't know anyone with a heroin dependency that has an even remotely normal life. There may be some rare folks out there in early heroin addiction, or some celebrities with a whole team of enablers and an endless cash supply for whom things seem to be going alright, but choosing to keep using heroin rather than getting on suboxone is, in my mind, choosing to give up on participating in life at all- it's choosing to kill your SELF and behind a body that is operated exclusively by the midbrain like a parasitic demon sitting in the cockpit of mech warrior. Sub users may be "suspended junkies", but junkies inevitably become "suspended lives".

I'm starting to really really understand the extent to which addiction is a brain disease. It could be that, as with schizophrenia, there are some people in whom the disease pathology is so severe that the best way to optimize functionality and reduce harm is for those people to be on lifelong drug therapy. I don't like the idea of people NEEDING to be dependent on pills to function in this society, but I think some people do, and it's time we throw away the set of assumptions we have about which kinds of lifelong drug dependencies used to treat brain diseases are worthy of judgment and which are not.


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InvisibleZombi3
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: morrowasted]
    #27128105 - 01/05/21 12:15 PM (3 years, 23 days ago)

Ok doctor thank you. I stand by what I said.


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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Zombi3]
    #27128149 - 01/05/21 12:33 PM (3 years, 23 days ago)

The guy already stated he used all the xanax and didn't cop any dope.

I, like you, suspect that if he keeps it up, he'll inevitably go back to it.

But mostly I find it baffling that someone who seems extremely unabashed discussing his heroin addiction, seems to be putting down those who choose a methadone or suboxone dependency.

"You're not clean if you're doing XYZ". It's the same pompous, holier than thou exclusivity you hear in 12 step meetings- if you smoke weed you're not sober, if you take subs you're not clean, etc.

Ironically, a big principle you hear being discussed is, "Take your own inventory". That means you focusing on your own problems and finding solutions to them. Just because you find a solution to your problem doesn't license you to judge anyone who claims they resolved a similar problem in a way that satisfied them using a different method.

It's like the people who lose weight on a fad diet, say carnivore, and their holier than thou attitude over other diets: "How dare other people lose weight and get healthy without totally giving up 90% of the food that tastes good in this world? I'm better than stronger than they are for never never ever eating bread so my weight loss counts for more than their weight loss even though they seem to be just as happy with their results as I am with mine." I personally lost weight and kept it off for 6 years while eating fuckloads of carbs, and I know people who have gotten onto suboxone and stayed away from heroin for years. I know a shroomerite actually whose life I helped save when at his 21st birthday party following a heroin overdose who has now been on methadone for 9 years and, as I described, leads a reasonably productive, normal, and happy life.  because you personally used methadone as a temporary crutch between your bouts of heroin use doesn't mean everyone does.


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InvisibleZombi3
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: morrowasted] * 2
    #27128359 - 01/05/21 01:55 PM (3 years, 23 days ago)

I meant what I said as advice coming from someone who’s been in the same scenario.
I wasn’t in any way trying to put OP down for his choices.

Methadone still elicits many side effects that over a long period of time are hard on the body.
Due to prolonged QT intervals it can cause heart murmurs among other potentially serious side effects when taken for prolonged periods.

You can get clean off dope and detox using Methadone in as little as a month. Every Methadone clinic I’ve ever been too have maintained that it’s not beneficial to take methadone longer than 6 months. It has all the same damaging effects on the body as other opioids.

I completely hear what you’re saying morrow; but I don’t personally believe it’s safe to be on Methadone for 9 fucking years. What kind of help is that? Keeping someone addicted for that long. While I agree that Methadone addiction is far easier to assimilate into a normal productive lifestyle than heroin is, I still don’t feel that’s the best course of action.

How can you possibly not address the root of your addiction over a course of up to 9 years?

Perhaps it’s just my body chemistry but hey man I’m infinitely happier and feeling so much healthier since tapering off methadone. I couldn’t even imagine the toll a 9 year addiction to methadone would have on your body and psyche.

Opioids are something you need to remove from your life entirely. Methadone is a godsend it will help you get clean. But you need to be honest with yourself when it’s time to get off it it’s time to get off.

If you’re so hopelessly addicted to opiates and have such low self control then I agree remaining on methadone for the rest of your life is preferable to using heroin or whatever. But it’s not without its consequences.

And for the record the experiences I’ve been discussing are past experiences. I was a heroin addict.
I took methadone for over a year, and then I relapsed for a few weeks cuz I was terrified about the surgery I had in December. But I’ve cleaned up completely now and removed myself from the scene.

Of course you won’t see an insignificant single month of sobriety as a victory but you can’t just start at a year clean can you? It’s a day by day process and it needs to start eventually. Such is the exact purpose of methadone therapy. To get you clean not to replace another addiction.

The only reason I ended up relapsing is because the methadone kept me in the culture. I saw other addicts when I would go urine test, I saw other addicts when I filled my script.. Every week I would run into a dealer or at very least I would know where they were hanging out because the patients at the methadone clinic talked. Even tho I had deleted my dealers numbers I knew i was never more than a short convo away from some dope if I wanted it. If I had been honest with myself and tapered off the methadone after 6 months when I felt like I was in control then I could have spent the next 6 months enjoying sobriety and I honestly don’t think I would have relapsed. But I kept on taking the methadone because I enjoy depressants, that mind set right there is why I relapsed, I was enjoying my methadone intake. This in turn leads to the thought that “hey if I can enjoy one daily dose of methadone without relapsing I can prolly get away with one hit of heroin right?”
As long as you’re on methadone you end up self identifying as a recovering addict, just recover and call yourself an ex addict. Or you know, celebrate being clean! It’s the best feeling you can make.

I was ready to give up the methadone within 6 months but didn’t because I wasn’t ready to give up being an opioid user because I had lost all my self worth and didn’t know who I was anymore. Methadone was my identity. I was a Methadone user. My doctor kept on telling me to taper because Methadone addiction can end up consuming your identity more than heroin since it’s socially accepted and you need not hide it, everyone praises you for “getting clean” but you know deep down this addiction is no better than the last.

I hear what you’re saying and I was just trying to offer OP what I still think is sound advice. Sorry you took it as judgmental.

Between the two of us and our posts I think OP can choose his own course of action.
Stay addicted to the methadone, or taper off and see how much better your biological processes function and get your identity back. It makes no difference to me how long one chooses to remain on methadone, but I know from my personal experiences and those of many friends around me that it’s almost never more beneficial to remain on methadone longer than a 6-10 months than it is to be blatantly honest with yourself and get off of it and back to a normal functioning level, not just a relatively functional level.

Such is my experience.

I don’t have any personal experience with Suboxone to say anything about that.


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OfflinetheRealrollforever
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Zombi3]
    #27128389 - 01/05/21 02:08 PM (3 years, 23 days ago)

:notyou:


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Offlinemorrowasted
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Zombi3] * 2
    #27128406 - 01/05/21 02:15 PM (3 years, 23 days ago)

Quote:



Opioids are something you need to remove from your life entirely. Methadone is a godsend it will help you get clean. But you need to be honest with yourself when it’s time to get off it it’s time to get off.

If you’re so hopelessly addicted to opiates and have such low self control then I agree remaining on methadone for the rest of your life is preferable to using heroin or whatever. But it’s not without its consequences



opioids are something that nearly every addict SHOULD remove from their life entirely.

People who are 200lbs overweight SHOULD lose 200lbs. But when they lose 50lbs I still congratulate them for making strides.

I know that chronic methadone and sub use has negative effects. And i agree that for those who can pull it off, tapering is better than chronic maintenance. If you cant pull it off after repeated attempts I would say chronic maintensnce is better than active heroin addiction.

I think we are pretty much on the same page. Sorry i assumed you were still using.

All I am really trying to say is at the end of the day OP needs to learn to listen to his gut and just be honest with himself. Sooner or later we all find ourselves in a situation with nobody but ourselves to rely on, and if we have habituated ourselves to depending on others to hear the truth about our behavior, we are in trouble


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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3]
    #27128577 - 01/05/21 03:39 PM (3 years, 23 days ago)

Quote:

Penroc3 said:

i was just curious about what peoples thought about what is a slip and what is a full on relapse of if there is a difference




Special language like "slip" or "relapse" obsures the fact you always make a choice to use. Instead of saying, for example, "I relapsed last week" just state what happened, "I decided to use last week." The moment we label a decision as a "slip" or "relapse" we surrender our power.


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InvisiblePenroc3
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Zombi3]
    #27128733 - 01/05/21 04:54 PM (3 years, 23 days ago)

i have other physical issues that if it I weren't on methadone it would be back to regular opiates.

ill take my strong opiates with help from now on.

weather I like it or not I am an addict, methadone saved my life.

would you tell a diabetic to stop taking their medication?


you clearly have no idea the dark and deadly world that heroin brings along

and basically ALL research points exactly opposite of what you are saying


methadone helps me from getting high and helps keep me safe

what's wrong with that?


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Offlinemorrowasted
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3]
    #27128801 - 01/05/21 05:17 PM (3 years, 23 days ago)

Zombi3 actually does have an idea. A good one. Hence my confusion


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InvisibleZombi3
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: morrowasted]
    #27128939 - 01/05/21 06:07 PM (3 years, 23 days ago)

I believe in you.
You can do whatever you set your mind too.
Throw your phone in a lake, move to a smaller city with less drug presence, get a councilor to help you figure out the root of your addiction...
There are other steps one can take to stay clean that don’t involve relying on Methadone or Suboxone and continuing to destroy your body brother.
If you want to be clean there are steps you can take and support you can rely on.
Hell this website is full of so many amazing people who will provide you with all the support you need or just let you vent.

And believe you me good sir, I have a very VERY intimate idea what opiate addiction is all about and where it takes you..
I would have thought that was pretty obvious based on what I’ve been saying not only in this thread, but elsewhere in the forums also..

We’re not hear to lie to you we’re here to tell the gods honest blatant truth and can be the support you need, you just need to reach out.
But it seems like you’ve already made a decision for your future based on what I’m reading here..

Take a gander through this post I shared a few days ago and then tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Quote:

Zombi3 said:
2020...
Was complete chaos and sucked ass for me.

I hit a breaking point with the pain in my legs and feet and ended up with the most severe heroin addiction I’ve been in for the last 4 years. It was taken to a whole new level of self destruction. In part due to the massive rise in Fentanyl laced heroin. Too many of my friends died this year.

- A close friend died in January from a Fentanyl OD under a freeway overpass in a puddle of his own vomit. He was homeless and I let him stay at my apartment as much as I could. But he preferred to be on the street. So it goes...

- My best friend died in February, Heroin OD. And sadly it goes...

- I overdosed on heroin/morphine in March and woke up in the hospital. This is how it goes..

- My buddy OD’d shooting pills in at a house party in mid March, he was in the garage so nobody noticed until morning. So it goes sometimes...

- My friends little sister OD’d on Fentanyl in April. She was very gifted at music. She played guitar, piano, flute, French horn, and most memorably for me, the harmonica.. and so it goes..

- My girlfriend OD’d in May. Fentanyl, Carfentanyl, FuranylFentanyl, traces of Heroin and Clonazepam also. She looked so peaceful. Like she was asleep, in a bed we had set up in a private office in an abandoned GM factory. It’s a junkie haven. We had shot up together, I knew it wasn’t Heroin as soon as the rush hit. It was too cold and fast. All I remember is nodding out first and hearing her call my name asking if I needed the Narcan, then I woke up an hour or so later and she was peacefully wrapped up in the blankets. I leaned over to wake her up and she was cold. I was paralyzed, my mind was going a million miles a minute in no direction. I gave her a shot of nasal spray Narcan while I fumbled about in a chaos of emotion looking for the injectable Narcan. I knew she was gone already but I gave her 1.5 shots of Narcan injected into her arm anyway praying I was wrong. Completely deafening silence proceeded. It was nightmare fuel that experience. I called the paramedics and stayed with her until they came and pronounced her dead. The only form of humility and brief moment of humanity I was able to get out of that was when I dropped off her jewelry at her moms house. I couldn’t bear to see them in person so I put it in the mailbox. So it goes...

- In June one of my friends was killed in a hit and run. Tho the story in the scene is that he owed money to a gang and they ran him down on purpose. He had a kid and a wife. So it goes I suppose...

- My deceased girlfriends sister committed suicide in July; she jumped 65ft from a bridge onto a freeway. This sparked a bunch of suicides in my city; 11 people between July and early September jumped from the same spot and killed themselves. The 12th person survived miraculously, though was paralyzed from the waste down. The city held a candlelight vigil, a priest read a terrifyingly sad bible passage, gave me hella chills; unless that was the heroin.. and so it goes.. there’s still to this day a visible mark on the pavement from all the blood of various jumpers. They cleaned it with something but it just left a creepy dark spot on the pavement. A wet looking irregular spot about the size of a person. You get a cold feeling in your spine just looking over the edge at the mark on the freeway down below. The city then put up suicide prevention barriers all over the bridge in less than 2 months. It was a huge project.

- My job laid off 126 people in September. All my friends. I only escaped the layoff because I was on medical leave. I’ll be fired upon my return. So it shall go...

- I overdosed on Fentanyl laced heroin in August. Took 3 shots of Naloxone to wake me up. If I wasn’t at a junkie house with a bunch of people carrying Narcan I would have died. If only 1 person was there with only 1 Narcan shot I would have died. So it goes...

- A friend I’d known for 7 years OD’d on fentanyl laced heroin in August. So it goes...

- I overdosed on heroin in August and only narrowly avoided dying. My dealer called the ambulance since he didn’t have Narcan. Him and his girl dragged me across the street and gave the ambulance that address in true junkie fashion. I woke up with 4 cops and 3 paramedics standing over me. In order to not heat out my dealers house I ended up telling them I shot up in the alley nearby and stumbled that far before it was lights out. Told them I had no idea who called them. This is how it goes...

- In September I was jumped and robbed for $400 cash and a ball of Heroin. They broke my nose, 2 of my fingers, and I didn’t make rent that month. So it goes...

- About a week later I was picking up Heroin with my supposed friend. He claimed to not have cash and the nice person I am I told him I’d buy him a point bag to get rid of his dope sickness so he would be well enough to busk or whatever he wanted to do to get his own dough. When I returned from picking up he suckered me with a left hook from hell knocking me in a daze to the ground then gave me a swift kick to the gut. Completely winded at this point he stole the dope and his girl pulled up 1 second later in a car and they took off. Altho I heard karma got them good and they were caught with open alcohol containers at a ride stop a few hours later.

- At the end of September I was jumped, beaten, and robbed for a 1/4 pound of Blue Dream cannabis, 165 tabs of LSD and a 1/4oz of MDMA. Fuck I’m still fucking mad about that one..

- In October my best friend in the entire world who I’ve known since 1997 and who’s been my room mate since 2012 finally got sick of my junkie lifestyle and without notice moved 4 hours away. Hasn’t bothered to answer any of my correspondence since then. Feels bad man. So it goes I suppose...

- Also in October I overdosed one last time for the year on Heroin in my car while waiting for my dealer. I did my last shot which was more like 2 full shots. If my doors weren’t unlocked and my dealer didn’t have the sense to see what had happened or if he hadn’t shown up at the right time then I prolly would have died. He hit me with nasal Narcan which I always keep a stash of in my glove box. Called the ambulance and bolted. I woke up hearing sirens, I could taste the Narcan drip in my throat so I pieced together what happened relatively quick, moved my car 4 blocks before the ambulance arrived and I had explaining to do; then I called my dealer back and met him 5 minutes later only another 3 blocks from where I was. So it goes...

- On Halloween 2 local girls who frequented the squat my dealer was living at OD’d on Carfentanyl and Diazepam. So it commonly goes..

- In November I broke 2 wisdom teeth. They rotted out from all the heroin and lack of a proper diet and oral hygiene. Had all 4 pulled a week later. So it goes..

- Also in November I had met a new girl who I liked but she drowned along with her dog when she was all benzod out and walked out onto the ice of a local lake and fell through. I wasn’t there, she was missing for 2 weeks before she was found. The ice froze over where she fell through so her and the dog were traveling the lakes current under the ice for 2 weeks before a warm spell came through and melted the ice enough for the body to be found. Eerily this was the same lake that Paul Bernardo dumped his first victims bodies encased in cement. She was a beautiful girl with a heart of gold. The story haunts my dreams also, it’s nothing short of nightmare fuel.

- December is when things started to look up. I had removed myself from the heroin scene because I couldn’t possibly keep up emotionally with all the fucked up shit that was happening. I had been off on medical leave since April trying to find a surgeon to operate on my foot. But COVID had shut down elective surgeries for the better part of the year, and I was considered elective not an emergency. Finally after lockdown restrictions loosened and surgeons had open room I was approved for surgery on December 18th. I had moved out of the 2 bedroom I was sharing with my best friend (tho I spent most nights at a squat or in my car or at a girls place) and moved into another apartment. I’ve had the new apartment since November 1st and haven’t spent one single night there, tho I’ve faithfully paid my rent each month, it’s basically a really expensive storage unit at this point. But I was tapering off the dope in preparation for my surgery. Which didn’t work I was shooting right up until 2-3 days before surgery. When I got to pre-op with dozens upon dozens of track marks in my arms I told them it was from 14 days prior because I knew they wouldn’t put me in surgery if they knew there was still junk metabolites in my system. I then went cold turkey and got off the dope because I have a hard cast on my foot and can’t get into any footwear therefore can’t go outside in the cold or do my own groceries so I moved in with my dad temporarily so he can cater to me and help me heal, the doctor kept repeating it’s a risky surgery with a high failure rate. So life goes...

- On Christmas morning one of my closest friends OD’d on mail order 3-methylfentanyl in a Tim Hortons bathroom stall.

- On Boxing Day an acquaintance hung himself from the hay loft of his parents barn. So it goes..

This year in review? I just want to forget 2020 ever happened. I’m in a terrible amount of emotional distress. I’m trying to find something solid to ground me to reality because my tether snapped many months ago. I feel brain damaged from all the heroin, my emotions are sporadic and don’t always make sense, I react to situation with emotions that are completely out of place. Like I said I couldnt possibly keep up emotionally with what was happening around me. Tho things are calmer and making more sense now that I’m detoxed off the junk, I’m eating proper meals 3x a day, I’m taking Xanax as prescribed for my panic attacks, anxiety, and insomnia, and I’m in a more positive environment.

Still. I wish I could have wiped the memories from 2020 completely off the slate last night at midnight.




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InvisiblePenroc3
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Zombi3]
    #27129154 - 01/05/21 07:41 PM (3 years, 23 days ago)

i know you have experience on the dark side, you and i have spoken about it.

i obviously dont think 4 or 5 days of taking some bars and smoking a J is not a relapse because of my walks on the dark side a few xanax seems trivial at best

all i know is that my life is MUCH MUCH better in so many ways when i am in a methadone program/

in what i call terminal addiction(where you are playing with you like) the drugs are actually the end of allot of dangerous and otherwise scary shit is what i am recovering from.

i would rather take methadone everyday than being dead, obviously


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InvisibleZombi3
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3]
    #27129164 - 01/05/21 07:49 PM (3 years, 23 days ago)

I’m sorry I don’t recall our earlier conversations :frown:


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InvisibleLizardWizard
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3]
    #27253793 - 03/15/21 10:46 AM (2 years, 10 months ago)

edit: nvm man, you're not fucking worth wondering even.


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InvisibleNiffla
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3] * 2
    #27253825 - 03/15/21 11:14 AM (2 years, 10 months ago)

I thought this was going to be about Eminem's two albums Relapse & Recovery





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InvisibleNiffla
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3]
    #27253830 - 03/15/21 11:17 AM (2 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

Penroc3 said:


I deleted all their contact info and blocked them and what not, I hate to ghost people but they were to easy to get and way to cheep.






I had to do this back in my coke and benzo days. It had to be done. There was no way around it.


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InvisibleLizardWizard
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3]
    #27253841 - 03/15/21 11:23 AM (2 years, 10 months ago)

nvm, dogshit is still not worth it.


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InvisiblePenroc3
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Niffla] * 2
    #27267598 - 03/24/21 02:49 PM (2 years, 10 months ago)

just got approved for a month of take-home at my clinic

still clean from dope and coke as well as needles, I have to have my doctor give me my testosterone shots as my hands shake like a leaf.


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