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Penroc3
hypno toad



Registered: 11/03/02
Posts: 2,796
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Zombi3]
#27128733 - 01/05/21 04:54 PM (3 years, 23 days ago) |
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i have other physical issues that if it I weren't on methadone it would be back to regular opiates.
ill take my strong opiates with help from now on.
weather I like it or not I am an addict, methadone saved my life.
would you tell a diabetic to stop taking their medication?
you clearly have no idea the dark and deadly world that heroin brings along
and basically ALL research points exactly opposite of what you are saying
methadone helps me from getting high and helps keep me safe
what's wrong with that?
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morrowasted
Worldwide Stepper


Registered: 10/30/09
Posts: 31,377
Loc: House of Mirrors
Last seen: 3 days, 21 hours
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3]
#27128801 - 01/05/21 05:17 PM (3 years, 23 days ago) |
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Zombi3 actually does have an idea. A good one. Hence my confusion
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Zombi3
Bella Ciao!!



Registered: 01/11/13
Posts: 27,086
Loc: Bat Country
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I believe in you. You can do whatever you set your mind too. Throw your phone in a lake, move to a smaller city with less drug presence, get a councilor to help you figure out the root of your addiction... There are other steps one can take to stay clean that don’t involve relying on Methadone or Suboxone and continuing to destroy your body brother. If you want to be clean there are steps you can take and support you can rely on. Hell this website is full of so many amazing people who will provide you with all the support you need or just let you vent.
And believe you me good sir, I have a very VERY intimate idea what opiate addiction is all about and where it takes you.. I would have thought that was pretty obvious based on what I’ve been saying not only in this thread, but elsewhere in the forums also..
We’re not hear to lie to you we’re here to tell the gods honest blatant truth and can be the support you need, you just need to reach out. But it seems like you’ve already made a decision for your future based on what I’m reading here..
Take a gander through this post I shared a few days ago and then tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Quote:
Zombi3 said: 2020... Was complete chaos and sucked ass for me.
I hit a breaking point with the pain in my legs and feet and ended up with the most severe heroin addiction I’ve been in for the last 4 years. It was taken to a whole new level of self destruction. In part due to the massive rise in Fentanyl laced heroin. Too many of my friends died this year.
- A close friend died in January from a Fentanyl OD under a freeway overpass in a puddle of his own vomit. He was homeless and I let him stay at my apartment as much as I could. But he preferred to be on the street. So it goes...
- My best friend died in February, Heroin OD. And sadly it goes...
- I overdosed on heroin/morphine in March and woke up in the hospital. This is how it goes..
- My buddy OD’d shooting pills in at a house party in mid March, he was in the garage so nobody noticed until morning. So it goes sometimes...
- My friends little sister OD’d on Fentanyl in April. She was very gifted at music. She played guitar, piano, flute, French horn, and most memorably for me, the harmonica.. and so it goes..
- My girlfriend OD’d in May. Fentanyl, Carfentanyl, FuranylFentanyl, traces of Heroin and Clonazepam also. She looked so peaceful. Like she was asleep, in a bed we had set up in a private office in an abandoned GM factory. It’s a junkie haven. We had shot up together, I knew it wasn’t Heroin as soon as the rush hit. It was too cold and fast. All I remember is nodding out first and hearing her call my name asking if I needed the Narcan, then I woke up an hour or so later and she was peacefully wrapped up in the blankets. I leaned over to wake her up and she was cold. I was paralyzed, my mind was going a million miles a minute in no direction. I gave her a shot of nasal spray Narcan while I fumbled about in a chaos of emotion looking for the injectable Narcan. I knew she was gone already but I gave her 1.5 shots of Narcan injected into her arm anyway praying I was wrong. Completely deafening silence proceeded. It was nightmare fuel that experience. I called the paramedics and stayed with her until they came and pronounced her dead. The only form of humility and brief moment of humanity I was able to get out of that was when I dropped off her jewelry at her moms house. I couldn’t bear to see them in person so I put it in the mailbox. So it goes...
- In June one of my friends was killed in a hit and run. Tho the story in the scene is that he owed money to a gang and they ran him down on purpose. He had a kid and a wife. So it goes I suppose...
- My deceased girlfriends sister committed suicide in July; she jumped 65ft from a bridge onto a freeway. This sparked a bunch of suicides in my city; 11 people between July and early September jumped from the same spot and killed themselves. The 12th person survived miraculously, though was paralyzed from the waste down. The city held a candlelight vigil, a priest read a terrifyingly sad bible passage, gave me hella chills; unless that was the heroin.. and so it goes.. there’s still to this day a visible mark on the pavement from all the blood of various jumpers. They cleaned it with something but it just left a creepy dark spot on the pavement. A wet looking irregular spot about the size of a person. You get a cold feeling in your spine just looking over the edge at the mark on the freeway down below. The city then put up suicide prevention barriers all over the bridge in less than 2 months. It was a huge project.
- My job laid off 126 people in September. All my friends. I only escaped the layoff because I was on medical leave. I’ll be fired upon my return. So it shall go...
- I overdosed on Fentanyl laced heroin in August. Took 3 shots of Naloxone to wake me up. If I wasn’t at a junkie house with a bunch of people carrying Narcan I would have died. If only 1 person was there with only 1 Narcan shot I would have died. So it goes...
- A friend I’d known for 7 years OD’d on fentanyl laced heroin in August. So it goes...
- I overdosed on heroin in August and only narrowly avoided dying. My dealer called the ambulance since he didn’t have Narcan. Him and his girl dragged me across the street and gave the ambulance that address in true junkie fashion. I woke up with 4 cops and 3 paramedics standing over me. In order to not heat out my dealers house I ended up telling them I shot up in the alley nearby and stumbled that far before it was lights out. Told them I had no idea who called them. This is how it goes...
- In September I was jumped and robbed for $400 cash and a ball of Heroin. They broke my nose, 2 of my fingers, and I didn’t make rent that month. So it goes...
- About a week later I was picking up Heroin with my supposed friend. He claimed to not have cash and the nice person I am I told him I’d buy him a point bag to get rid of his dope sickness so he would be well enough to busk or whatever he wanted to do to get his own dough. When I returned from picking up he suckered me with a left hook from hell knocking me in a daze to the ground then gave me a swift kick to the gut. Completely winded at this point he stole the dope and his girl pulled up 1 second later in a car and they took off. Altho I heard karma got them good and they were caught with open alcohol containers at a ride stop a few hours later.
- At the end of September I was jumped, beaten, and robbed for a 1/4 pound of Blue Dream cannabis, 165 tabs of LSD and a 1/4oz of MDMA. Fuck I’m still fucking mad about that one..
- In October my best friend in the entire world who I’ve known since 1997 and who’s been my room mate since 2012 finally got sick of my junkie lifestyle and without notice moved 4 hours away. Hasn’t bothered to answer any of my correspondence since then. Feels bad man. So it goes I suppose...
- Also in October I overdosed one last time for the year on Heroin in my car while waiting for my dealer. I did my last shot which was more like 2 full shots. If my doors weren’t unlocked and my dealer didn’t have the sense to see what had happened or if he hadn’t shown up at the right time then I prolly would have died. He hit me with nasal Narcan which I always keep a stash of in my glove box. Called the ambulance and bolted. I woke up hearing sirens, I could taste the Narcan drip in my throat so I pieced together what happened relatively quick, moved my car 4 blocks before the ambulance arrived and I had explaining to do; then I called my dealer back and met him 5 minutes later only another 3 blocks from where I was. So it goes...
- On Halloween 2 local girls who frequented the squat my dealer was living at OD’d on Carfentanyl and Diazepam. So it commonly goes..
- In November I broke 2 wisdom teeth. They rotted out from all the heroin and lack of a proper diet and oral hygiene. Had all 4 pulled a week later. So it goes..
- Also in November I had met a new girl who I liked but she drowned along with her dog when she was all benzod out and walked out onto the ice of a local lake and fell through. I wasn’t there, she was missing for 2 weeks before she was found. The ice froze over where she fell through so her and the dog were traveling the lakes current under the ice for 2 weeks before a warm spell came through and melted the ice enough for the body to be found. Eerily this was the same lake that Paul Bernardo dumped his first victims bodies encased in cement. She was a beautiful girl with a heart of gold. The story haunts my dreams also, it’s nothing short of nightmare fuel.
- December is when things started to look up. I had removed myself from the heroin scene because I couldn’t possibly keep up emotionally with all the fucked up shit that was happening. I had been off on medical leave since April trying to find a surgeon to operate on my foot. But COVID had shut down elective surgeries for the better part of the year, and I was considered elective not an emergency. Finally after lockdown restrictions loosened and surgeons had open room I was approved for surgery on December 18th. I had moved out of the 2 bedroom I was sharing with my best friend (tho I spent most nights at a squat or in my car or at a girls place) and moved into another apartment. I’ve had the new apartment since November 1st and haven’t spent one single night there, tho I’ve faithfully paid my rent each month, it’s basically a really expensive storage unit at this point. But I was tapering off the dope in preparation for my surgery. Which didn’t work I was shooting right up until 2-3 days before surgery. When I got to pre-op with dozens upon dozens of track marks in my arms I told them it was from 14 days prior because I knew they wouldn’t put me in surgery if they knew there was still junk metabolites in my system. I then went cold turkey and got off the dope because I have a hard cast on my foot and can’t get into any footwear therefore can’t go outside in the cold or do my own groceries so I moved in with my dad temporarily so he can cater to me and help me heal, the doctor kept repeating it’s a risky surgery with a high failure rate. So life goes...
- On Christmas morning one of my closest friends OD’d on mail order 3-methylfentanyl in a Tim Hortons bathroom stall.
- On Boxing Day an acquaintance hung himself from the hay loft of his parents barn. So it goes..
This year in review? I just want to forget 2020 ever happened. I’m in a terrible amount of emotional distress. I’m trying to find something solid to ground me to reality because my tether snapped many months ago. I feel brain damaged from all the heroin, my emotions are sporadic and don’t always make sense, I react to situation with emotions that are completely out of place. Like I said I couldnt possibly keep up emotionally with what was happening around me. Tho things are calmer and making more sense now that I’m detoxed off the junk, I’m eating proper meals 3x a day, I’m taking Xanax as prescribed for my panic attacks, anxiety, and insomnia, and I’m in a more positive environment.
Still. I wish I could have wiped the memories from 2020 completely off the slate last night at midnight.
-------------------- You’ve Met With A Terrible Fate, Haven’t You?
Click here to enter this weeks Ban Lottery!! In Crust We Trust
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Penroc3
hypno toad



Registered: 11/03/02
Posts: 2,796
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Zombi3]
#27129154 - 01/05/21 07:41 PM (3 years, 22 days ago) |
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i know you have experience on the dark side, you and i have spoken about it.
i obviously dont think 4 or 5 days of taking some bars and smoking a J is not a relapse because of my walks on the dark side a few xanax seems trivial at best
all i know is that my life is MUCH MUCH better in so many ways when i am in a methadone program/
in what i call terminal addiction(where you are playing with you like) the drugs are actually the end of allot of dangerous and otherwise scary shit is what i am recovering from.
i would rather take methadone everyday than being dead, obviously
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Zombi3
Bella Ciao!!



Registered: 01/11/13
Posts: 27,086
Loc: Bat Country
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3]
#27129164 - 01/05/21 07:49 PM (3 years, 22 days ago) |
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I’m sorry I don’t recall our earlier conversations
-------------------- You’ve Met With A Terrible Fate, Haven’t You?
Click here to enter this weeks Ban Lottery!! In Crust We Trust
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LizardWizard
GnomeGrower




Registered: 01/07/15
Posts: 13,688
Loc: the parking lot
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3]
#27253793 - 03/15/21 10:46 AM (2 years, 10 months ago) |
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edit: nvm man, you're not fucking worth wondering even.
-------------------- The best things in life can be smelled on one's fingers.
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Niffla



Registered: 06/09/08
Posts: 46,482
Loc: Texas
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3] 2
#27253825 - 03/15/21 11:14 AM (2 years, 10 months ago) |
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I thought this was going to be about Eminem's two albums Relapse & Recovery

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HAIL OUR NEW OTD KING
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Niffla



Registered: 06/09/08
Posts: 46,482
Loc: Texas
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3]
#27253830 - 03/15/21 11:17 AM (2 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
Penroc3 said:
I deleted all their contact info and blocked them and what not, I hate to ghost people but they were to easy to get and way to cheep.
I had to do this back in my coke and benzo days. It had to be done. There was no way around it.
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HAIL OUR NEW OTD KING
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LizardWizard
GnomeGrower




Registered: 01/07/15
Posts: 13,688
Loc: the parking lot
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Penroc3]
#27253841 - 03/15/21 11:23 AM (2 years, 10 months ago) |
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nvm, dogshit is still not worth it.
-------------------- The best things in life can be smelled on one's fingers.
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Penroc3
hypno toad



Registered: 11/03/02
Posts: 2,796
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Re: relapse and recovery [Re: Niffla] 2
#27267598 - 03/24/21 02:49 PM (2 years, 10 months ago) |
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just got approved for a month of take-home at my clinic
still clean from dope and coke as well as needles, I have to have my doctor give me my testosterone shots as my hands shake like a leaf.
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