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OfflineRise against
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Dealing with low confidence and anxiety * 1
    #27123002 - 01/03/21 12:31 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

I'll try not to make this a pity post because that's not my intentions, looking for advice I guess.

So I had a tough upbringing, some pretty significant childhood abuse and severe substance abuse from my teens and into my mid 20's. I'm 30 now. At my lowest, I was living homeless and spent a winter in below zero weather due to emotional issues and heavy stimulant use. I got off stims and started drinking really heavy and got into a fair amount of legal troubles but was lucky en ough to avoid felonies. Also ended up homeless again and attempted suicide, which put me in a coma for a week. I went to long term rehab (15 months) and straightened my life out.

I haven't drank or used a drug in 4 years (besides occasional psychedelics) and things have really changed quite rapidly. I have a great career, I own a nice house, and also bought another nice house that I rent. I'd like to start a real estate business and buy a few more rentals in the near future. Things are going really great and I'm proud of the progress I have made, but I really struggle connecting with people and developing friendships and relationships. I have no problem getting dates. I can get multiple dates in a week if I try but really have only ever been in 1 relationship that lasted more than a couple months. That one lasted 6 months but fizzled out. I'm shy, and it's hard for me to be open about my past. I still feel shame and guilt. I get a lot of anxiety being "close" to anybody and have a hard time trusting. I do get lonely and would like to find someone.

I've heard that putting yourself in uncomfortable situations is the best way to grow. I don't avoid the discomfort but don't feel like I'm making progress in that part of my life. I still deal with a lot of depression and anxiety. Any advice or comments are appreciated.

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InvisibleLynnch
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: Rise against]
    #27123036 - 01/03/21 01:06 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Getting dates is one thing, meeting someone you really connect with enough to have a long term relationship is another. It's okay that it's hard to find that person. That, by definition, will be someone unique.

I feel you on the shame and guilt, sort of. I had my crazy times. I don't want to date a crazy raver that rolls every weekend, but it's hard to relate to anyone who hasn't had that experience. If anything, you should feel pride for what you've overcome.

Do you have a life outside of work? Where you might meet someone like-minded?

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OfflineRise against
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: Lynnch]
    #27123054 - 01/03/21 01:21 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

I go to the gym a lot and spend a lot of time Hunting, fishing, backpacking, camping, and snowboarding. I love to be outside. Most of the women I've dated I've met online. I don't go to the bars and that's what most people do in my town. I have met some women at the gym it's just kind of awkward when it doesn't work out and still see them at the gym

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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: Rise against]
    #27123098 - 01/03/21 02:11 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Thank you for sharing your story. Its very difficult getting over the past, especially when you've have gone thru a ton of trauma, pain, depression, substance abuse and dark times.

I would like to move your thread to Physical and Mental Wellbeing due to the delicate nature of the topic: https://www.shroomery.org/forums/postlist.php/Board/42

Sound like a good idea?


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OfflineSeriously_trippin
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: LogicaL Chaos]
    #27123201 - 01/03/21 04:19 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Taking a step into the abyss is sometimes the only option. The first step is the hardest. I do think communication and sharing is a teachable skill


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InvisibleBarnaby
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: Rise against]
    #27123277 - 01/03/21 06:42 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Been on the streets in the past by choice because of my anxiety and panic attacks.  You didn't mention taking any meds or marijuana so guessing you don't.  Easy to get dates when one has a house and good finances and educated guess, showing some confidence, you do have some self esteem.

Anxiety and depression.  See a therapist.  You are a straight edger so take some prozac, see a therapist, marry, have some kids, live in your house, enjoy your money in how you see fit, and build your real estate buisness.

Endless bliss and happiness.  The American dream realized.  Mine are different but best in yours.

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OfflineIce9
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: Barnaby] * 1
    #27123292 - 01/03/21 06:56 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Putting yourself in uncomfortable positions is a for of CBT or cognitive behavioural training.  I would also suggest talking to a doctor and getting intouch with a therapist or psychiatrist.  Medicine of the ssri/snri type may not be your thing and lots of people tell tall tales about how bad it it was (they almost all have some type of undesirable side effect, though it varies from med to med and person to person).  I would try to get on one, even if you only plan on staying on it for a year.

One big note, it takes approximately 30days to get effects from these and nearly 3 months to get acclimated to how they affect you.  In short, it takes time and commitment.  Your doctor can explain more, but in my case they literally saved my life, I have without a doubt that I would have attempted suicide and at the time I had access to thinks lik potassium cyanide, so the attempt would have a near 100% success rate.  Don't be afraid of the drugs and be honest with your health practitioner.  If there is a side effect you cannot tolerate, ask to be put on a different med.

The meds, coupled with therapy (CBT I mentioned earlier amongst other techniques) can do wonders for your self-esteem issues and anxiety.  Good luck I wish you the best in the world as a person who suffers major depressive disorder, Social anxiety disorder and generalized anxiety disorder which has led e to abuse benzos on and offer for the better part of 2 decades.


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The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -- George Brenard Shaw

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InvisibleBarnaby
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: Ice9]
    #27123350 - 01/03/21 07:47 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Yeah, assumptions make asses out of you and me both.  I have had a psychiatrist for over ten years.  Wonderful woman.  You write your post like I am a 16 year old.:shrug:

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OfflineIce9
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: Barnaby] * 1
    #27123364 - 01/03/21 08:02 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Barnaby said:
Yeah, assumptions make asses out of you and me both.  I have had a psychiatrist for over ten years.  Wonderful woman.  You write your post like I am a 16 year old.:shrug:




OK, I wa trying to helpful to not just you but other's who have the same issues.  I suggest you not take things on internet personally, or wrongly out of context.  Obviously my answer got under your skin, why is that? I assure you I wasn't trying to treat you like a child, but was giving what has worked for me to some degree, and it's repaid with that response.  I guess no kind deed goes unpunished.  You may also have anger issues if an internet stranger got to you that strongly. Why even respond when ignoring it would have been infinitely easier.

Ask yourself that question, maybe it will lead to some type of catharsis.


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The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -- George Brenard Shaw

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InvisibleBarnaby
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: Ice9]
    #27123656 - 01/03/21 11:00 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Regarding Benzodiaepines: "They are a recreational drug, and being one doesn't exclude it's potential as a medicine." Yukon Cornelius.

All I need to know.  Hail Satan compared to your Catholic beliefs.  Know thyself.  What it has created in this world.  Go live where the Spaniards conquered and what those countries are like or go visit them.  How did it turn out.  Quite satanic yet I will wear a cross.

I like the word and its meaning more than that bullshit.  a moment of sudden revelation or insight. Epiphany. 

So phoney and fake.  Catharsis.  Maybe you are the type to drag a cross miles and whip oneself and want the world to be like what the Spaniards conquered and like Mexico, Guatemala, El Salvador.  Though I wish them the best!  Will be sure to visit again soon!:loljesus:  Wear that cross.  Or drag it.  Really don't give a shit.  Your life speaks your works and testimony.



Nope.  Not for me.  In the way you view it.
:loljesus:


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OfflineIce9
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: Barnaby]
    #27124000 - 01/03/21 01:48 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Obviously my answers are not to your liking, so you revert to ad hominem attacks.  Not sure why you think because I used the word catharsis, that I must be Catholic, or even religious... talk about assumptions. :whattefuck2: Well good luck with your low self-esteem and anxiety. :stevolmao:


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The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -- George Brenard Shaw

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OfflinePsion
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: Ice9]
    #27125264 - 01/04/21 05:01 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

my own self-esteem issues i eventually solved by learning to live my own dreams, not another's. that whole sappy thing about "being true to yourself" is good advice, though of course you have to learn what your true self is - which means a lot of reflection, and getting outside your comfort zone, trying new things to see what things you actually enjoy. in short -

have fun! don't freak out over being "the best" at something, or even being "good" at something. laugh at how terrible you are at surviving in minecraft, mock your horrible origami crane that looks like a mutant tree and name it Killer, find amusement at the strange look your pet gives you when you sing off key to your favorite tunes at the house. you don't have to be good - you just have to live your life and give it your best shot with the most enjoyment you can. don't force yourself into faking life. don't put on masks for others, and most especially don't put on a mask for yourself - not unless your survival literally depends on it. (trust me, it rarely ever does - 99.9999% of the time, i find that honesty really is the best policy.)

if you live life just for the sake of enjoyment and learning, you will find, as time passes by over months and years, that your confidence grows, and ironically, your skill in various things you suck at also tends to grow over time too. your awful singing gets less awful, your origami cranes go from mutant trees to passable then one day your doing 3 hour long video tutorial origami tigers and wondering whatever possessed you to try and why does it actually look like as advertised, and you chat with strangers much more easily about the various fun things you've been doing lately - because you've been DOING things instead of just the same old routine every day.

mix it up. have fun. carpe diem!

Edited by Psion (01/04/21 05:03 AM)

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Offlinemorrowasted
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: Psion]
    #27125376 - 01/04/21 06:33 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

See a therapist. A male therapist.

If you dont click, see another one.

Trust me. The right therapist can totally change your life.

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OfflineMorphinTime
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: morrowasted]
    #27125396 - 01/04/21 06:44 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Why male?  I talked to an old counselor yesterday and she was basically a therapist on top of being an administrator now.  Talking to her left me with such a a great feeling. Women can be therapists too, regardless of who their clients are


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Offlinemorrowasted
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: MorphinTime] * 2
    #27125547 - 01/04/21 08:19 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

I guess I am prejudices by own personal experiences.

I tried seeing many female therapists for years and never clicked with any of them. A couple of male therapists I didnt click with either, to be honest. Maybe it is just a fluke that the one I clicked with turned out to be male, but I got the sense that when he was helping me understand how my insecurities show up in my behavior he was speaking to a kind of personal experience that to me seems to be uniquely male. It could just be that my communication dynamics with women are (or at that time were not) conducive to therapy, though.

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OfflineSpiralspider
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: morrowasted]
    #27125678 - 01/04/21 09:34 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Sorry about the answer but dealing with relationships it can be easy as it can be hard. its not about being easy or hard.

its a question of priorities mainly and im going to give my psycologic opinion because I dont do do it for a long time.

from a psychologic point of view getting into a relationship its a natural process if you are a normal person, that shouldnt be a problem, you connect with someone change some words and feelings and if you like you get again in contact with that person and so on so on. the anxiety is of course what we call to precipitation, impulse and irresponsibleness, and they are truth there is no denial of that.
Still from the psychological point of view a person is considered normal if that impetuosness is controlled and is no longer a problem and your urges are not influencing your preferences. Because that is something there is a mistery at least for me, look, do you choose or you accept any kind of mating possibility? For me there are some kinds of mating options that arent considered to be with me in a relationship even though I highly need a female independent and stable company.
Its obvious my question is why its forbidden to sometimes get to know people you dont find attractive while its preferable to choose attractive people.
From what i read from Jordan Peterson we have like a order of priorities and if the ones on the basis are not met we cant have the other and the order we need to be related securely to someone.

So with this in mind you can think of something its missing to be connected to someone?

I mean there can be a lot of reasons but we cant choose them all, we must choose the option that is best  for us or then accept whatever life give us very unlikely.
I really like psychology and im sad and crankey I dont talk much about that.

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InvisibleBarnaby
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: Spiralspider]
    #27125861 - 01/04/21 11:06 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Wow, I can still post here?  Deal with your shit and be a man.  This whiney garbage, blah.

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OfflineMorphinTime
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: morrowasted]
    #27126112 - 01/04/21 12:46 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

morrowasted said:
I guess I am prejudices by own personal experiences.

I tried seeing many female therapists for years and never clicked with any of them. A couple of male therapists I didnt click with either, to be honest. Maybe it is just a fluke that the one I clicked with turned out to be male, but I got the sense that when he was helping me understand how my insecurities show up in my behavior he was speaking to a kind of personal experience that to me seems to be uniquely male. It could just be that my communication dynamics with women are (or at that time were not) conducive to therapy, though.





Oh, I see where you're coming from.  I clicked with most of the female therapists I've seen, only seen one guy, but he was fine.


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OfflineMorphinTime
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: MorphinTime]
    #27126122 - 01/04/21 12:50 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

I thought there were two Barnaby's for a sec haha.


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InvisibleBarnaby
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Re: Dealing with low confidence and anxiety [Re: MorphinTime]
    #27128465 - 01/05/21 02:51 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Ha, ha, NOPE!  Funny to a juvie though.  Will give you that.:glittershitz:

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