(I just wanted to post this somewhere. I'm usually too embarrassed to post about ritual stuff that I do but I wanted to record my preparations and procedure for next time.)
I'm 30-mumble years old and a late bloomer—I only started with weed three years ago, due to being a big ol' square. But I've had depression since university and years of tinkering with my meds has only got me to "sad but stable," so I wanted to see if psychedelics could do better.
I've had quasi-psychedelic experiences (idk what to call them) on really heavy weed edibles, with CEV's and cosmic oneness and all that, so I felt like I was okay to take a step further and use shrooms. I'm a professional astrologer (really) and so I wanted some spiritual replenishment after a busy season of working with a lot of new clients. I acquired some shrooms and elected a date ("election" here is a term for checking the astrological transits to choose an auspicious time for something).
(Specifically, if anyone's interested, I wanted to catch the Moon in Pisces for spiritual receptivity and the Sun in the last degree of Sag for joy and wisdom-seeking, while getting Libra on the ascendant for a beautiful, balanced trip. The great conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn was just occurring in the 5th house for pleasure, Saturn adding weight and substance. Mercury's combust, which isn't ideal, and Venus is peregrine but conjunct my natal Mercury/Venus. Not a bad chart given what I had to work with.)
I laid in some Gatorade and ginger ale, then cleaned my living space (and cleansed it ritually as well with incense). I fasted for six hours. As the time for the election got close, I made some prayers to the planets (just the Orphic hymns) and expressed my intent to the mushrooms, saying, "I know you are a sacred being and an important medicine, and I believe that you can help me." I asked it to help me with my self-esteem and let me feel closer to the Divine.
The mushrooms were in the form of a chocolate bar (3.5 g), so no problem getting them down the hatch. I took a Gravol (dramamine) for nausea, and that's the one part of the prep I regret, because I felt the side effects from the pill and it didn't even stop me from vomiting.
20 minutes later I felt the body buzz, which lasted for about two hours. I was enjoying it but a little worried that the dose hadn't been high enough—I'd been expecting something heavy on insights and introspection, and the waves of pleasure seemed a little too recreational. But it's hard to be mad about waves of pleasure, so I kept waiting.
I was watching TV (Noah Hawley's Legion, which I'd seen multiple times) and began to find it annoying, which was my cue to put my headphones in. The nausea started, and my head became too heavy to sit upright.
I was slumped over face-first in the empty mixing bowl, unable to remember how to start puking. I kept drooling, and the spittle that came out was the primordial spit of Atum that created the universe—I could see infinite space in the bubbles.
Finally, somehow, I got to the bathroom, where I still couldn't remember how to puke. I couldn't walk upright because my body really, really wanted to be on the floor. I was staring into the toilet bowl when I saw the first bona fide visuals, as a stain on the bowl began to grow rootlike fractals. The bowl became overgrown with moss that disappeared and regrew as I watched it.
I was a little bummed that I couldn't enjoy the visuals due to the nausea, but after I crawled back to my room I realised that if I just puked I'd be able to enjoy the trip. Trying to hold back the nausea was the problem. I finally got it out and watched it bubble and shift and change in the bowl. More primordial soup.
I lay down on my stomach on the floor, which was where I stayed for pretty much the next 6 hours. As I listened to my playlist, it all began to sound (no matter what genre I listened to) like the chanting of country people during a seasonal festival. I vaguely remembered that it was the solstice, but by now it was extremely difficult to think in words at all. I was only aware of the music and the few visuals in my range of vision. (My glasses were off so that I could lie down more comfortably, so I could only look at things about 5" from my face.)
I spent some more time in the primordial ocean, and then the theme of the images started to change: I realised that the peasant singing was for the birth of something special, and I saw images of livestock being born, calves and lambs, eggs laid in warm straw. As I lay on the floor, I realised that I was the new calf, and the songs were for me, because the universe was so glad I was alive. I experienced being like a baby for awhile, precious and perfect and safe.
That was the primary insight I got out of the trip, that life is sacred and a cause for rejoicing, and that we are all profoundly welcome in the universe. The rest of the trip was just spent lying on the floor with my music, slowly becoming able to control my phone again and form words, recognising my favourite singer's voice (and also his guitar playing, which blew my mind because it was like he had two voices that he could use at the same time).
Weirdly, I kept remembering lines from this poem, which I haven't thought about since Victorian Lit class in university and which made no emotional impression on me, then or now. I'm shocked that I retained any of it in my long-term memory, but apparently I did and the mushroom found it in the archives.
After 7.5 hours I was physically tired and wanting to sleep, and I felt like I'd learned all I was going to. I waited a while and then took a clonazepam after 9.5 hours. Exhausted the next day.
I didn't have a sitter and I don't regret that, because I would have been more self-conscious and more inclined to try to label my experience. I felt deeply trusting of the mushroom the whole time because I could tell that it was doing something therapeutic for me, even if the nausea was uncomfortable.
So far, I've had marked good effects on mood with none of the jittery, amped-up feeling that I've had with SSRIs. I definitely plan to do this again, depending on how long the effects last for me. Next time I'll get dried shrooms and make a tea/lemon tek...but I also won't fight the nausea if it's there. I've had worse nausea from meds that did me less good.
Overall, 100% satisfied. The mushrooms did exactly what I asked them to do and I'm very grateful.
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This was a very nice read, I assure you there is nothing here to be embarrassed about. You took things seriously, as you should have, and it sounds like it was worth the effort. I hope you continue to gain from this experience and, if need be, that you are able to revisit the mush in the future.
-------------------- Knowledge is finite, ignorance is infinite.
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