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PsiLLy BiLLy ![]() Registered: 08/11/02 Posts: 13,676 Loc: day dreams of a mad man Last seen: 11 hours, 18 minutes |
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By everything? All the time?
I've managed to learn to play pretend enough to hold a job and participate, somewhat, in society... But, it's always there, ready to take me over once the distractions get put away. I don't like being like this. I've learned to cope through denial and suppression. And drugs. Lots of drugs. but this isn't enough anymore. I need help. Maybe I need a diagnosis. Maybe some medication? I also cant help but think, why bother? At this stage in my life it may be too little too late. The timing of this thing, my life, it just always feels, off... Like, I'm a wave, just slightly out of phase with this reality. Maybe somewhere out there there's a version of me, that matches perfectly, and is the happiest guy on the planet. It's always so close, but always just out of reach. This one isn't even about the girl. This one's been a long time coming. How much of this can I actually do something about? Free will doesnt even feel like a thing. Feels like I'm an actor, bound to a script I didn't agree to. Shittiest movie, ever.
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Lawful Good Registered: 11/27/19 Posts: 1,106 Loc: Tennessee |
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Most people are overwhelmed. So you're not alone in this.
Take some evasive maneuvers, because eventually, the universe will pwn your ass if you're not brave and pure and righteous. So generally, you're going to want to seek the moral high ground and be pure about it, in secret. But don't let the ladies catch on to that. All women hate religion, unless it's their personal flavored one. And think about moving. To another state or to fucking India. India has some nice, gangster-ass women. What's that line about the truth setting you free?
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PsiLLy BiLLy ![]() Registered: 08/11/02 Posts: 13,676 Loc: day dreams of a mad man Last seen: 11 hours, 18 minutes |
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I am in a different state. Didn't help. Just have less friends now.
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Lawful Good Registered: 11/27/19 Posts: 1,106 Loc: Tennessee |
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Well, it's the middle of winter. But even so, seek and ye shall find, man.
All it takes is a present and a little initiative to make friends with someone.
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Another Earthling Registered: 01/16/18 Posts: 285 Loc: Colorado USA Last seen: 1 year, 5 days |
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Feeling overwhelmed could be a sign of anxiety but I wouldn't be too quick on taking benzos... Ever try meditation? Edit: I feel overwhelmed quite often... It's a strange and wicked world out there.
-------------------- personal note: "It’s fair to say I’m stepping out on a limb, but I am on the edge and that’s where it happens.” Edited by Nikon Addict (12/19/20 11:54 PM)
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Registered: 08/09/19 Posts: 1,936 Loc: North EU Last seen: 4 days, 11 hours |
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Get help bro, it's not too late. It can be a great thing to get a professionals perspective and it might be right. Then you might get the right therapy for your issues. Sounds kind of like depression and anxiety with ASD to me (or more likely the other way round)
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Shroomery Secret Service Registered: 04/22/02 Posts: 20,529 Loc: PuppetMasterFlash Last seen: 2 hours, 2 minutes |
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Quote: Move back. I got a spare bedroom for your whore ass when you do. Otherwise Apathy is my weapon against it. Not the healthiest method, but its better than constant anxiety. Do the therapy thang. Come spend some time with your desert homies. Sometimes you just need to GTFO for a bit. -------------------- Nothing says love like grannies prolapsed anus! quote]Urb said: I know... Its fucked up... Ill fix it minyana..[/quote]
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PsiLLy BiLLy ![]() Registered: 08/11/02 Posts: 13,676 Loc: day dreams of a mad man Last seen: 11 hours, 18 minutes |
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no, you move here! i like it here. or, i want to like it here.feel like i'm right on the verge anyway.
i think that's a big part of the problems right now. end of 2019, going into 2020 i was doing pretty good. 2020 really was, going to be my year. or so it was looking. i actually had some goals i was working towards, a job i like pretty good, working out, losing weight, fixing my teeth and shit. getting ready to FINALLY get the fuck out of my moms house and my own place. started hanging out with this girl... then i shit all over myself with another DUI, then covid hit, and now im back stuck in this tiny fuckin montana town, unable to drive, nowhere to go anyway, nothing open. i had finally started to let myself feel hopeful about some shit and now look. right back in the crapper. it's all my own fault. only makes me feel worse about it. i do need to quit the booze though . seems to be a common denominator. but more than that, my emotions got me all fucked up right now. i'm either all wrapped up in some shit i have no control over, or completely over/under reacting to the shit i do. it really is overwhelming. that part of my brain just feels like it got a short or something. i don't know. i am gonna look into getting some therapy. pretty anxious about that though. on some level i feel i should be able to get this shit together on my own. maybe it's a pride thing.
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Shroomery Secret Service Registered: 04/22/02 Posts: 20,529 Loc: PuppetMasterFlash Last seen: 2 hours, 2 minutes |
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For sure quit the drinking. It's what got you in this position in the first place right?
Being stuck sucks. I've been there and it can wear you down hard. All you can do is try to make the best of it and start resolving the root causes of your issues. Therapy can really help you identify and come up with proper methods of attack on those issues. The state of the country isn't helping either. The general mood set of the world around you will bleed into your every day life even if you don't notice it having a direct effect. There is nothing shameful about needing to get help from the outside world. Check the sticky feevers posted for some good detailed info on types of therapy and look for something that fits you. Could be helpful as well to look into some hobbies you can do solo at home. Something to help distract you from the nonsense. One of the big things I love about online gaming for example is I can pick and choose when I want to be 'social' with my gamer buddies, sometimes on mic, sometimes not, and I can just turn off or put my focus into something that isn't the mess of the world and life. Hobby can be whatever, just something that won't increase your anxiety level. Avoid things that will require lots of store trips for example since you can't currently drive. They would be possible trigger points. Love ya meng! If we dont manage to get you down here for a visit in this coming year I'll make sure to find a way to come up there. -------------------- Nothing says love like grannies prolapsed anus! quote]Urb said: I know... Its fucked up... Ill fix it minyana..[/quote]
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Stranger Registered: 11/01/14 Posts: 12,263 Last seen: 52 minutes, 6 seconds |
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Make an impact.
Gaming is fun, I just got lvl 80 cooking in OSRS. Nice little hit of dopamine, there. Almost like drinking half a six pack. 2/3rds of a six pack, actually. That's about how deep I am right now. Nowhere near the point of writing a blacked out drunk post and then deleting it, at least, but I digress. One thing I did, during grad school, was build a compost pile. At first, it was just a shitty pile of leaves sitting on a bare patch in the corner of the yard. But, ya know, whatever. What's the difference between a compost pile and a pile of shit from my yard? Then I'd occasionally dump grass clippings onto it. When I felt like it, at least. Most of the time, it was easier to take off the bag and let the mower do the mulching it's supposed to do, according to the salesman. One of my neighbors started bitching about it. Sure, it was in a far corner of my yard, but, as he said, "when that breeze hits it"...Well, it was toss it or take care of it. So I bought a pitchfork. I actually bought a shipment of pitchforks, because it was cheaper to buy a few dozen off alibaba than it was to buy one from Home Depot, but the rest were donated to the local urban garden. No idea what they're gotta do with a crate of Chinese pitchforks, but that's not my problem. Anyway, so I started flipping the compost pile once in a while. Couple times a week. Honestly, I was too lazy to put that shit in garbage bags. Helped with the smell. No smell at all, as long as I flipped it 2+ times every week. Neighbor stopped complaining. The next spring I remember looking out the kitchen window while making breakfast one day, and seeing this bright green bush in the corner of my yard. Thought it was weird, because it was a bit early in the year for new growth. Wandered out there, and there it was, growing out of the middle of my shitty little compost pile. I mean, this pile was maybe 4x4x4 feet the last summer. This spring, it was maybe 4x4x1 foot. Probably less tan a foot tall, to be honest. But here was this bright, green, bush growing out of my compost pile. It was a weed, of course. Not something I wanted growing, so I ripped it out, buried it in the pile. That summer, I got annoyed at the number of those same plants that kept popping up around the compost pile. I got so annoyed, I almost didn't realize that the area around the compost pile was clogging up my lawnmower faster than usual. The summer, I had more grass clippings than normal. I flipped the compost pile a bit more often. Another year came and went. By this third year, I had realized the extent of my folly. The grass within a 10 foot radius of my pile grew several times faster than the rest of the grass in my yard. It was starting to become a little bit annoying, since my mower's powered wheels didn't have enough juice to fight through it anymore. At least on my schedule of mowing every six weeks. Ground was a bit softer too. Instead of the hard pack red clay than made up most of my yard, there was black dirt covering the area. Plus all of the worms, goddamn. Every time I stuck my pitchfork in the pile and lifted it, there were dozens of worms sticking out of the bottom. Digging all up into the dirt. It's been a few years since then. That bare corner of my yard is unrecognizable. Used to be a bare patch, then a fence, and then between the fence and the road is a good bit of my property as well, it's just outside the fence. There's a treehouse there, from a previous owner. Now, if I want to make it to the treehouse, I need a machete. Twice a year I go back into that corner of the yard with a chainsaw. I've expanded the pile a bit. I built some 6x6x8 wooden frames, and stretched chain link on three sides to keep it contained. Twice a week I go out and flip the whole thing from one enclosure to the next. It's a fair bit of work. I calculated it at one point, comes out to just over a metric ton of dirt. Takes about 40 minutes. It's decent exercise. I remember talking with some neighbors a while back at a barbecue, they were asking me how often I had my lawn fertilized because it was so green. I told them I never fertilized it, I didn't give a fuck about my lawn. I just had a compost pile. Did you know that most of my neighbors were paying to have their lawns fertilized monthly? And to think, it all started with a stanky pile of yard garbage and a weed growing out of it. Edit: Hey look, I'm 60% of the way to lvl 81 cooking. Sharks are pretty fast. Edited by Kryptos (12/20/20 11:55 PM)
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lunatic wielding pressure cooker Registered: 11/16/17 Posts: 697 Loc: Somewhere in the |
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Quote: Oh, I am overwhelmed by everything, all of the time. Quote: Jealous. I've never kept a job longer than 8 months. Even then I think I managed to keep it because my boss took pity on me, or maybe he just didn't want to train someone else. I am technically competent, but I can hardly pull myself out of bed a lot of days. I lost 300 dollars from my last paycheck because I couldn't get myself to log the hours. I seriously needed the money too. Quote: Yup. Quote: I convince myself that it is like this for everyone, and they just don't realize it yet. That way I can feel superior. I am fighting the urge to word this as an assertion, but because I really do believe in the veracity of depressive realism and philosophical pessimism, but they can be true and be coping mechanisms at the same time. Quote: Yup. Quote: Try other ways to cope. Drugs are remarkably efficient, but as with any coping mechanism, your body will find a way to reach equilibrium eventually. In other words, you will get used to it; you will need more and more; eventually you cannot logistically take or do enough. All the ways of coping I have tried have been like this. Long distance running is a pretty good one for me. Intellectual pursuits are good. Any kind of artistic catharsis as well. Meditation is probably the best but it is really hard. I don't recommend these because they are "healthy" or fundamentally different than taking drugs. They aren't. They just work, and if you're like me you'll need as many things like this as you can find. There's only one cope that I regret trying and that was to seek the admiration of others, and especially to seek the approval of our culture. Our culture is cruel, and insane. Trying to gain the approval of anyone raised in our culture--or god forbid the approval of society as a whole--will invariably make you do cruel and insane things. Quote: Maybe, but you should learn what you are getting yourself into. Read the DSM-V. Read it cover to cover, and see if any of those diagnoses seem helpful. Once you've read and understood the book you should know exactly what you've got to do and say to get any diagnoses you want. I realize I am now just journaling, but your prompt struck a chord so fuck it. Lemme tell you what is in my file and what the perks are. Quote: These are a Pandora's box. Easily unlocked by pulling two or more consecutive all-nighters before your psych-eval. Getting stoned could do the trick too, but only if you have no tolerance. Eye drops will probably be necessary if you attempt either of these strats. Legal speed and perfect SAT scores await, but they may come at the cost of tens of thousands in student loans and a crippling cocaine addiction. Tread carefully. Quote: Escitalopram gave me all sorts of weird side effects including suicidal ideation, but I might try a different SSRI some day. I kinda liked the brain-zaps ![]() Quote: Gold, but I am too cowardly to take advantage of it. I took two long trips in the benzo time machine. Both times I found the future to be frighteningly different from how I remembered it. Not all bad, but the uncertainty fucks with my head. Quote: This one is like a rare Pokemon that you get by being very annoying and wasting a lot of highly-qualified peoples time. I probably don't understand it very well, so I'm very sorry to anyone with legit CD if you're out there, but my perception is that it exists primarily to flag hypochondriacs, dishonest alcoholics, those with undiscovered neurological conditions, and the chronically dehydrated. Quote: If these weren't in my file I think I may have enlisted in the military two years ago. This would probably mean I'd likely have another 6 years to go. I might have been DQed for a different reason instead of my junkie past. My family might have talked me out of it. I might have gotten in and been immediately discharged for pissing dirty. I do think I would have signed the contract though, and I certainly wouldn't have understood it fully. Enlisting seemed like a rational way out of the situation I was in at the time. I was in debt, out of work, out of school, feeling like a huge burden on my family, and having a very hard time coping with the lack of externally imposed discipline that I had during my year or so in the Troubled Teen factory. I'm still in this situation if you look at it objectively, but I wouldn't trade the last year for anything. I've borne witness to a display of resilience and tenacity from my mother that I would have thought humanly impossible if it did not play out before my eyes. I have learned that I do not understand the human condition. One cannot condemn what one does not understand, and as I intend to live and die in condemnation of this bestial realm--as did the heretics of old--I must stay where I can observe any and all human capacities beyond my comprehension. Now, I don't mean to downplay my hubris. Earlier in this post I condemned our culture as cruel and insane. I have implicitly condemned psychiatry here as well, and I would do so explicitly if asked. If you're following my reasoning and don't already agree with me on these points, then you probably have seen enough already to dismiss my view as naive, arrogant, narcissistic, foolish, and so on. That is fine. If you are truly following my reasoning then you know that regarding metaphysical notions such as human experience, culture, and the science of the mind (for these are all strictly metaphysical notions) I have already forfeited any stake in authority derived from our cultural or institutional understanding. Deliberately so! I seek no only complete and total authority: that which is derived from truth, and truth alone. To exaggerate my understanding is no loss, to convince you is no gain. To enrage you such that you are compelled to provide me with counterexamples or disproofs of my claims... well... now that is the aim ![]() Quote: Yes! Brilliant articulation! "You" are precisely that: a wave, slightly out of phase with reality. "You"--by which I mean the self--is necessarily out of phase with reality, because the self is constructed retrospectively! "You" do not exist in any given moment, because "you" are an amalgamation of the narratives, judgements, and categories that are required to turn your memories from the low-fidelity fever dream that they actually are to something coherent, maybe even something useful. You exist, that is certain. In fact, your existential status is a matter of categorical necessity so long as your conscious experience includes both thoughts and memories, but you are still as you say: a wave, out of phase, and bound to a script. You are a wave because your particular self is contingent only, and therefore subject to constant flux. In other words: there is no guarantee that any of your specific attributes will remain from one moment to the next. The only attributes which will remain are the attributes of the self in abstract: those things which are true about everyone, and also MUST be true about everyone. There are no grounds to say you or I (our selves that is) have any stable differences from one another or anyone else! You are out of phase because you exist only in the past and future, and never in the present. Observe your conscious experience in a given moment and tell me there is a "you" there. You can find thoughts, sensations, awareness, and actions, and you can chose to call one or all of of these "you", but they are discreet, reproducible, comprehensible, stable, and altogether unlike anything we would recognize as a person or self. It is only when your awareness shifts to the past or a potential future that we find anything one could properly call the self. Finally, YOU are not in the drivers seat! This follows easily from the last point, since we know that we have no agency in the past or the future. In fact, "you" arise precisely BECAUSE your free will does not exist in the past or the future. Free will exists ONLY in the present moment. Not only does free will exist in the present moment, but free will is the only thing that exists in the present moment! Those things existing in the present moment can be listed rather concisely, consider each and I think you will see how they are all ultimately volitional acts, reducible to free will. The present moment may only contain the following: awareness of spontaneous thought, awareness of sensation, awareness of awareness (what we call consciousness), articulation of thought, action, and imposition. The first three can all be reduced to awareness, the next two to action, and the third to action as well, but action which takes place externally and forces itself upon our awareness. Allowing the reduction of relation to subject (not permissible in general but fine here once the relevant object--thought--and the concept of relation itself are shown to be abstract, non-temporal, and therefore external to the present moment) we now have two types of things which exist at present: awareness, and action. But what is the difference between awareness and action? Between "do" and "see"? That which you "do" we call a verb. That which you "see" we call a noun. But we know from grammar that any verb may become a noun by a transformation called normalization [run -> running] and any noun might become an noun might be treated as verb--its meaning abstracted but intact--once it affixed to the verb "to be" [running -> to be running]. If our grammar is any indication, awareness and action have no difference in scope. There are other differences, such as those contingent on physiology, but they are all contingent! Any apparent categorical differences can be shown to be products of grammar, and not of conceptual necessity. A counterexample would disprove this, but you will not find one! So, while awareness and action are qualitatively distinct, they are conceptually, categorically, abstractly, the same! In other words, they are both the same kind of thing. And what is that kind? Well THAT is will; free will. It is what controls your body, and your mind. IT is now. IT is reality, and IT is totally and radically free. "You" on the other hand, are an actor, bound to a script you did not agree to. The will is the one writing the script. -------------------- I love men, too, not merely individuals, but every one. But I love them with the consciousness of my egoism; I love them because love makes me happy, I love because loving is natural to me, it pleases me. I know no 'commandment of love'. I have a fellow-feeling with every feeling being, and their torment torments, their refreshment refreshes me too.
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Functionally dysfunctional Registered: 07/03/19 Posts: 1,372 Loc: the PNW Last seen: 1 day, 16 hours |
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I feel exactly the same way
Only thing is, I am not overwhelmed. I keep my phone off usually now and don't use social media I also have the feeling of being behind None of it matters. I've just learned to not get my hopes up, not care, and just...be like water. Just let it roll off, and keep your existence in a flow state. Max efficiency. At least doing things helps me cheer up, even if I feel like I missed out on other things. Edited by skOsH (12/22/20 01:53 PM)
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Decadent Flower Magnate Registered: 09/20/05 Posts: 8,775 Last seen: 3 days, 13 hours |
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Quote: Hey wrestler_az, I remember your posts from back in the day. I remember you as a cool, thoughtful poster. I just logged in tonight and randomly visited this forum, thinking I might make a post about what a battle it's been to stay positive and just plain afloat this year. I just wanted to share because I've been stewing in these feelings and waking up with this feeling of oppressive dread many nights. I saw your post and really empathized with everything you wrote. And also like you, I recently move to a different state with less friends, and though some good has come out of it, it's also made me objectively lonelier. I think all of our minds are overwhelmed, exhausted and depleted these days, or most of us. Especially if you're using devices a lot, the dopamine loops that it keeps our brain hooked into are exhausting, and then most of us are using something - alcohol, weed, tons of caffeine, other substances and medications - to take the edge off of all this uncertainty and frankly, darkness. Like you said, before all this started I was struggling but feeling like I was finally starting to align things. I still feel like I'm aligning certain things in my life, or learning a lot of deep things, but it is extremely hard to connect with that feeling most days. For me it's becoming difficult a lot of the time to envision any kind of future that's mostly positive. I'm reconciling these different things: on the one hand, I'm becoming more deeply aware how it's only me that's responsible for my frame of mind, on a really deep level; on another, I feel it's become so clear that the most powerful people among us wish us ill or at best are happy to enact policies that destroy some or many of us; on another level, I have a religious or spiritual feeling that life and death are not as important and substantial as we make them out to be. Like skOsH put it pretty well, I'm seeing the value of being adaptable, flexible and like water, and also grounded in the simple mystery of being and perception. This might sound esoteric or mystical, but I'll also add it: I think if you're experiencing a lot of psychic pain, a lot of it is coming from the world at large and you're transmuting it - i.e. a part of your consciousness is doing the spiritual work of allowing karmas (the momentum and action resulting from many negative mind moments) to play out to their end and disperse. So in that light, there's some higher good coming from the pain. Maybe you'll dismiss that as philosophical nonsense, and I wouldn't blame you. I saw you mentioned booze and some other posters mentioned you should stop drinking. That's probably true - it seems to be in most cases if people are feeling tormented and associating it heavily with a substance, it means they need to distance themselves from the substance, even if the distancing also feels painful and difficult. I'll also just add the caveat that like I said before, it's a very difficult time, so if you drink, don't be too hard on yourself about it for being weak and giving in. Try to talk positively to yourself and affirm your value and worth. You are part of this world and no less integrated in it than any atom of any thing. You deserve to be here and you're doing okay. All the best man.
-------------------- “Strengthened by contemplation and study, I will not fear my passions like a coward. My body I will give to pleasures, to diversions that I’ve dreamed of, to the most daring erotic desires, to the lustful impulses of my blood, without any fear at all, for whenever I will— and I will have the will, strengthened as I’ll be with contemplation and study— at the crucial moments I’ll recover my spirit as was before: ascetic.”
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Decadent Flower Magnate Registered: 09/20/05 Posts: 8,775 Last seen: 3 days, 13 hours |
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Quote:I thought this was a good post, by the way! -------------------- “Strengthened by contemplation and study, I will not fear my passions like a coward. My body I will give to pleasures, to diversions that I’ve dreamed of, to the most daring erotic desires, to the lustful impulses of my blood, without any fear at all, for whenever I will— and I will have the will, strengthened as I’ll be with contemplation and study— at the crucial moments I’ll recover my spirit as was before: ascetic.”
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Kratom Freak Registered: 05/21/08 Posts: 4,030 Loc: Florida, US Last seen: 1 year, 2 months |
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OP take a fat dose of magnesium and then come back and tell me how you feel. I'm curious if itll help you.
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