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DJ Ed
Mushroom Engineer


Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 2,326
Loc: UK
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: Nature Boy]
#27096979 - 12/19/20 02:03 AM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Thank you nature boy, thank you all for the love.
I’ll report back next week after my first session 
DJ Ed
-------------------- “It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind “The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.” Terence McKenna

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MetalSlug

Registered: 09/05/20
Posts: 108
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: DJ Ed]
#27097080 - 12/19/20 05:20 AM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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I met someone about twenty years ago, had kids, then broke up after about 7 years. Since then its been on for a year/ off for a few years. Can't live with them and can't live without. This last time 'off' after another kid was the worst, two heartbreaks.
They say it doesn't get any easier, you just learn to live with it. I like to think perhaps its her emotional instability/borderline personality pushing people close to her away. And on my part I write my mistreatings on stone instead of the sand to be washed away.
Thanks for sharing.
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DJ Ed
Mushroom Engineer


Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 2,326
Loc: UK
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: MetalSlug]
#27098055 - 12/19/20 04:15 PM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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That actually means a lot; you’ll never know the nerves you’ve touched. She was my gypsy, I was ALWAYS scared of losing her. 37 years of pain, heartache nd worry dude! She had a difficult childhood, and I don’t think she can get close to people. Not for long. I’ve always known it. It’s unbelievable she stayed with me for so long. I was cutting way above my weight with her.
Take care DJ Ed
-------------------- “It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind “The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.” Terence McKenna

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DJ Ed
Mushroom Engineer


Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 2,326
Loc: UK
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: coAsTal] 1
#27098082 - 12/19/20 04:41 PM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Hey coastal, that trip report I mentioned from a while back, relating to trying to work out who the hell it is I am and what the hell it is I want out of life, well it was FRIDAY 7th December 2018. Couldn’t find the trip report so here is from my journal:
Last night took 4.1g B+. Plan was to lock myself in the conservatory then Ann could relax. Took at 6:02pm and by 6:40 they were coming on really strong. Started feeling incredibly uneasy like I was bordering on a bad trip. Decided to sit with Ann so opened door and went in living room but Ann was upstairs wrapping presents with Hannah. So I came back in the conservatory but left the door open. I spoke to the mushrooms. I told them that I’d accept anything they threw at me. Then I told them I’d come for help so why didn’t they help me. I told them I wanted to find the real me. It eased off enough for me to start thinking lucidly. Parts of me were really scary. But I found with my clear intention that it was much easier to steer the trip into finding me and my soul. Then put on Hawkwind - Space Ritual with the headphones on. Got under the quilt, with white sage burning and my autism lamp going. It was AMAZING! I felt like I was 20 again. Same hopes and aspirations, same frustrations, same anger. It felt great. It felt like me. I realised that the me now is the same me as then. Hard to put into words how it felt to feel 20 years old again. I discovered that my true nature is a traveller following Hawkwind around at their free gigs; speaking my mind and sticking up for myself. It was how I felt before life got complicated and I got really depressed. With my 20 year old soul in perspective, I realised depression is bollocks! Told it to fuck off. I’ve realised that depression is a choice, so I am choosing not to be depressed anymore. My Boundless CFX vaporiser has just arrived. Get off the fags and smoke weed healthily. Plan also if possible is to reduce weed usage so that I use it when it really helps; and feels really awesome, like last night. Hawkwind were / are the real deal.
-------------------- “It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind “The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.” Terence McKenna

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Socrateshroom
сталкер


Registered: 09/05/18
Posts: 1,840
Loc: Westworld
Last seen: 17 days, 10 hours
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: DJ Ed]
#27098114 - 12/19/20 05:12 PM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Welcome back to hyperspace friend!
As a result of my trips, I have this recurring post psychedelic experience that goes like this:
I'm doing something innocuous, like driving to work or just sitting around at home drinking coffee, and a moment of bliss washes over me. It only lasts for a fraction of a second, although in that space it feels infinite. And there, I am surrounded by a belief that transcends all of my pain, ego, fear, etc.
I realize that I have lived countless lifetimes, experienced unmatched suffering and unrivaled love. I have died a million times alone, in torment. And just as many times I have died graciously, at peace. I will go on to live a million more, to suffer without end, to love and be loved, ad infinitum. And suddenly, I feel minute, my ego shrinking, my essence emerging. I am nothing, unnoticeable, in the face of my timeless lives. And for a brief moment, I touch the face of God. The heart of Buddha.
It doesn't cure my mortal pain. But perspective eases the pressure from the unavoidable pain of existence.
I am glad you are gaining the perspective you need. Hopefully, in your new travels, I may meet you again, like I have in all of my other lifetimes.
--------------------
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Enkidu
"No-Such-Person"


Registered: 07/09/16
Posts: 10,698
Last seen: 6 months, 11 days
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Man, i need to fucking trip
-------------------- Within You , Without You
      
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Socrateshroom
сталкер


Registered: 09/05/18
Posts: 1,840
Loc: Westworld
Last seen: 17 days, 10 hours
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: Enkidu]
#27098189 - 12/19/20 05:59 PM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
Enkidu said: Man, i need to fucking trip
Me too, haven't had a proper trip in 2 months. Had 1g last weekend to test my PE grow, but it was a bit underwhelming. My ego has just had the best of me lately as I'm really struggling with some vices.
Either way, we need to get on board!
--------------------
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Outerbass
Stranger
Registered: 12/16/20
Posts: 80
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
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I'm into the red pills and brutal truth.
Almost 70% of women instigate breakups/divorce
Women love chads and certain alphas. Usually non chads and non alphas can only get women by compensating and finding a woman willing to settle. But they still long for chads and alphas, and will split at a moments notice. They tend to stay with you until they find one, then it's over in a moment. I use alpha in a derogatory way, they tend to be dumb brutes that most males avoid based on cost benefit. We don't need them.
Women need men but don't love them. Men love women but don't need them.
She never loved you, I'm not saying that to rub it in, but I don't believe in living in imaginary worlds.
Don't ever force it with a woman. If she doesn't hang around without any effort on your part don't ever consider her.
Ignore women.
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DJ Ed
Mushroom Engineer


Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 2,326
Loc: UK
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: Outerbass]
#27098955 - 12/20/20 08:45 AM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
Outerbass said: I'm into the red pills and brutal truth.
Almost 70% of women instigate breakups/divorce
Women love chads and certain alphas. Usually non chads and non alphas can only get women by compensating and finding a woman willing to settle. But they still long for chads and alphas, and will split at a moments notice. They tend to stay with you until they find one, then it's over in a moment. I use alpha in a derogatory way, they tend to be dumb brutes that most males avoid based on cost benefit. We don't need them.
Women need men but don't love them. Men love women but don't need them.
She never loved you, I'm not saying that to rub it in, but I don't believe in living in imaginary worlds.
Don't ever force it with a woman. If she doesn't hang around without any effort on your part don't ever consider her.
Ignore women.
This very lesson I am currently loving brother. She didn’t love me, and it was me that was compensating. I’m taking on board everyone’s great advice and working through this chapter. I am trying to adopt the mindset that the loss is all hers.
Take care DJ Ed
-------------------- “It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind “The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.” Terence McKenna

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Enkidu
"No-Such-Person"


Registered: 07/09/16
Posts: 10,698
Last seen: 6 months, 11 days
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: DJ Ed]
#27099353 - 12/20/20 01:35 PM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Woman i tell you what...
All they do is set traps and we the prey
Got em!
-------------------- Within You , Without You
      
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jdawg333
Stranger
Registered: 08/22/18
Posts: 580
Last seen: 18 days, 15 hours
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: Enkidu]
#27099654 - 12/20/20 04:53 PM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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honestly very cool to hear that you used to be a hawkwind fan. I am around 20 and just getting into a lot of psychedelic music. on an unrelated note during a lot of my emotional trips this song feels like it connects me to my future self somehow so it's sort of interesting lol
Edited by jdawg333 (12/20/20 04:54 PM)
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DJ Ed
Mushroom Engineer


Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 2,326
Loc: UK
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: jdawg333]
#27108171 - 12/26/20 01:58 AM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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When I used to take LSD many years ago, I thought Hawkwind were the perfect psychedlic band. With mushrooms though, I find them the best come up music, but not necessarily for the peak.
Going back to OP’s original thread, I’ve made a huge step forwards on Christmas Day. I spent the day with my sister’s beautiful happy family. This has given me a target to aim for. It has shown me how happy and fulfilled having a happy family can make you.
Additionally, my ex-wife “challenged” me on Christmas Eve to kill myself. It really did hurt, and it almost gave me the impetus that I have needed for about 40 years to actually go through with it.
Did a bit of reading yesterday, and it does not seem that uncommon for people to not want to live anymore, but who are also too scared to die. It feels like she has confirmed to me her true colours, when I have only suspected for years. It really does feel now that at last I can move on.
Read a great saying yesterday which really fits what has just happened and been said to me: “To know and not to do, is not to know.”
Mush love people, DJ Ed
-------------------- “It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind “The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.” Terence McKenna

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The Blind Ass
Bodhi



Registered: 08/16/16
Posts: 26,657
Loc: The Primordial Mind
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: DJ Ed]
#27108193 - 12/26/20 02:27 AM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Hi Ed,
love you brother.
- TBA
-------------------- Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps
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Nature Boy
Stranger than most



Registered: 07/09/07
Posts: 8,241
Loc: Samsara
Last seen: 2 months, 5 days
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: DJ Ed]
#27108272 - 12/26/20 05:42 AM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
DJ Ed said:
Additionally, my ex-wife “challenged” me on Christmas Eve to kill myself. It really did hurt, and it almost gave me the impetus that I have needed for about 40 years to actually go through with it.
Did a bit of reading yesterday, and it does not seem that uncommon for people to not want to live anymore, but who are also too scared to die. It feels like she has confirmed to me her true colours, when I have only suspected for years. It really does feel now that at last I can move on.
Read a great saying yesterday which really fits what has just happened and been said to me: “To know and not to do, is not to know.”
Mush love people, DJ Ed
Glad you had a good, seemingly uplifting Christmas...and I really like the quote. Wise words, for sure.
As to the ex - man, oh, man... If she said what you say she did, that's a legit, actionable crime in ANY country. If she texted it to you or anything similar (where you have actual hard evidence) you should get an order of protection forbidding her from any future contact with you. NOBODY - especially someone who might be vulnerable to such sentiments should have to put up with shit like that in their lives.
Many, many people on the Shroomery love you and will celebrate the day you move on and find happiness. It WILL happen.
-------------------- All submitted posts under this user name are works of pure fiction or outright lies. Any information, statement, or assertion contained therein should be considered pure unadulterated bullshit. Note well: Sorry, but I do not answer PM's unless you are a long-time trusted friend. If you have a question, ask it in the appropriate thread.
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Socrateshroom
сталкер


Registered: 09/05/18
Posts: 1,840
Loc: Westworld
Last seen: 17 days, 10 hours
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: DJ Ed]
#27108287 - 12/26/20 06:13 AM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
DJ Ed said: Additionally, my ex-wife “challenged” me on Christmas Eve to kill myself. It really did hurt, and it almost gave me the impetus that I have needed for about 40 years to actually go through with it.
What the shit!?!?!?!? What the hell is wrong with her!? Unbelievably heinous. I’m glad you have the wisdom to keep your head above water when people like her exist.
As you can see, this entire community loves you! So I challenge you to live. To love yourself as much as we do.
Quote:
DJ Ed said: Did a bit of reading yesterday, and it does not seem that uncommon for people to not want to live anymore, but who are also too scared to die. DJ Ed
Can confirm. I’m at a point in my life where, on many days, I yearn for the sweet release of death. But I’m too afraid to do it myself and I’m generally afraid of the unknown that is death. But I’m trying to fix the source of that pain.
--------------------
Edited by Socrateshroom (12/26/20 06:13 AM)
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DJ Ed
Mushroom Engineer


Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 2,326
Loc: UK
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: Nature Boy]
#27108290 - 12/26/20 06:19 AM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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I cannot tell you all how much your kind and supporting words have supported and uplifted me. I only came back on here about 18 months ago, with the intention of paying back the community for the wonderful results I was getting from home grown mushrooms; skills developed with help and advice on here. And trips helped with guidance from here. I really do owe the community more than words.
Nature Boy; she said it to me over the phone. I don’t know if she was calling my bluff; but regardless, she has never understood me, and I reckon has suspected I’m a coward or half a man sort of thing for never having gone through with it. I have felt that way more than once in my lifetime. But no one who has not sunk that low they are just waiting to die. Nobody can understand what it feels like not to want to live anymore but being to frightened to die!
I don’t think I need to hate her or get any kind of justice from her now. That’s what I mean by the veil lifting. I think I can now move on, be the person I was always meant to be, and not spare too many thoughts about the past. I’ve seen the truth of our marriage, and why I have felt so low with her for almost 20 years.
I was walking the dogs today in the woods and taking great pleasure from feeling the air in my lungs, the sound of the stream, the smell of the leaves, and the ache in my legs 
Mush love all, and all the best for 2021. DJ Ed
-------------------- “It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind “The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.” Terence McKenna

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DJ Ed
Mushroom Engineer


Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 2,326
Loc: UK
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
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Quote:
Socrateshroom said:
Quote:
DJ Ed said: Additionally, my ex-wife “challenged” me on Christmas Eve to kill myself. It really did hurt, and it almost gave me the impetus that I have needed for about 40 years to actually go through with it.
What the shit!?!?!?!? What the hell is wrong with her!? Unbelievably heinous. I’m glad you have the wisdom to keep your head above water when people like her exist.
As you can see, this entire community loves you! So I challenge you to live. To love yourself as much as we do.
Quote:
DJ Ed said: Did a bit of reading yesterday, and it does not seem that uncommon for people to not want to live anymore, but who are also too scared to die. DJ Ed
Can confirm. I’m at a point in my life where, on many days, I yearn for the sweet release of death. But I’m too afraid to do it myself and I’m generally afraid of the unknown that is death. But I’m trying to fix the source of that pain.
You are, and always will be, a soul mate. 100% agree, Socrateshroom, it has really shocked me. I haven’t wanted to see the truth for years, I have buried my head in the sand, I have made all sorts of compensations to make the marriage work, and I have spent many years trying to work out what was causing my misery.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I have some more ups and downs to come; I’ve 37 years of brainwashing to address. But now I’ve “seen the light”, I believe I have found the hope I have ALWAYS been searching for.
I am suddenly feeling your pain brother; please message me if you want to take this offline. DJ Ed
-------------------- “It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind “The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.” Terence McKenna

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Eugene Gesuale
Jar-Sniffer



Registered: 04/12/20
Posts: 1,920
Loc: The Basement
Last seen: 9 months, 13 days
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: DJ Ed]
#27108315 - 12/26/20 06:53 AM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Life is a precious gift that although we are unable to earn (choosing to be born) we are able to give away (choosing to die) This leads me to live in such a way that I don’t take anything for granted. Decide today, to use the negative experiences you have undoubtedly been put through, to change the way you react to the other 90% of what happens to you and around you that’s against your will(outside of your control) to remain unchanging, unwavering, at the core of your being. And never let circumstances alter your core belief system. What you know to be true. What you know to be pure and right. Love you bro.
-------------------- Everything in life is a trade-off. All posts made by this account are purely satirical in nature.
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coAsTal
Friend


Registered: 04/04/06
Posts: 2,970
Loc: 8a
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: DJ Ed]
#27108322 - 12/26/20 07:04 AM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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When two people pull a rubber band in opposite directions, when it finally breaks both hands get stung.
There's a lifetime of hurt and regret that you are each individually dealing with right now. I wish I could say that it was a surprise that she lashed out in the most hurtful ways she could imagine, but it's not, really.
Pain is dealt with in many ways, and it's not uncommon to see some people try and replace that pain of loss with a kind of strength that they deal out to the world as hostility.
She does not know that she is actually dealing in weakness-- and that today you are the one holding the strength that she does not have inside.
For you to look past her attempted hurtful actions and see that she is just a person trying to make herself feel better somehow by doing things that she truly thinks will crush you... brother that makes you more than strong. It makes you wise.
Pain that is physical is easy to isolate-- there is an obvious cause and that can be avoided. Emotional pain is like a color-- it can invade every room you live in, think in, work in, and more. But when you recognize that those colors aren't actual harm, just memories you don't want to lose-- they become what they really are again-- one small bit of the magnificent spectrum of life. It takes all colors to make up our world view, and as you move forward every day you will integrate this moment into a new framework that you will grow to love.
I am not ashamed to say that I have felt that ultimate low... the quiet, utter chaos of self-worthlessness and the deceiving allure of assigning everything pointless. I stood on the precipice of dealing myself the ultimate eternal sacrifice.
There was a period of years in my youth-- now twenty years past-- that I believed with all the fibers of my thoughts that I had, and would find, absolutely nothing to live for. Nothing to contribute. And never would I deserve love.
It was a series of small changes that pulled me from that quicksand- I began to remove dirty foods from my body, because why not? If I wanted to die then why not see how I felt with only clean food? And I felt a little better.
I began to take supplements to optimize my nutrient levels in addition to the cleaner food, because why not? Why not see if the balance could be further restored in the machine I was thinking about shutting off forever. And I felt a little better.
I began to pick up heavy things and putting them down-- just a little here and there, because I actually felt like I wanted to feel more fit in this body. Because I had made myself feel a little better quite a lot by then, and I found that I wanted more of it. And I never stopped feeling a little bit better. Every day. Month. Year.
Before I knew what I had done, with these small, slow, and seemingly arbitrary steps, I had walked so far from the darkness that I was surprised to discover that I was firmly in the light again, and that I was not the same person that had started the small steps before.
This is a continuation of the journey you are on-- and she will walk her own. You will remember the things that you loved, and you will miss them. But never mistake that loss for a permanence-- because as you move forward you will fill in those holes with new, fresh life-- and you will be a whole again. And you'll feel a little better too.
-------------------- I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the Heart's affections and the truth of Imagination-- John Keats Spore Trading List
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DJ Ed
Mushroom Engineer


Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 2,326
Loc: UK
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: coAsTal]
#27109323 - 12/26/20 04:29 PM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Thank you so much.
The Shroomery has repaid my love to the community, than more love than I could have ever hoped for. What goes round truly does come round.
Thank you everybody. You may be digital, but so are psychedlic trips. You are all my soul mates.
On that note, nd I realise my mindset is probably not appropriate. But I’ve decided for my first week oof work since February, and since old wifey left the nest, fuck it, I am taking a super large dose. I’m leaving nothing to chance. 6g fresh Amazonian tea ice cubes in a pina colada.
I’m ringing my best mate tomorrow daytime, he’s in Germany for a few years unfortunately. But in case anything goes really south with tomorrow nights plans, I want to talk to him about what Ann said, I want people to know. I want karma to exist. I don’t consciously wish harm on people. But when 95% of my town and surrounding area now see me as enemy #1, I want the truth to eventually get out. ]if that makes any kind of sense to anybody? Am I being a bit sick, twisted maybe?
Regardless, that’s where my heads at,exactly 2 months after Hahahaha so called life partner, 37 years, walked out.
All being well, I’ll post a trip report Monday probably Tuesday.
Mush love people DJ Ed
-------------------- “It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind “The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.” Terence McKenna

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