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OfflineLosTresOjos
Humano
I'm a teapot
Registered: 09/18/18
Posts: 1,347
Loc: Hurling Through Space
Last seen: 2 years, 29 days
Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: DJ Ed]
    #27069946 - 12/03/20 12:12 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

I had this strange belief that my wife and I had some sort of unspoken understanding. It caused us strife as I would assume we were on the same page. One night during the comedown of a trip I realized that I had created a delusion and that there was no way we had this magical connection. I had to learn to be open and direct.

Often times I think we just don't want to realize certain truths and will unconsciously turn from them as the potential horrors looms by.

Just keep your head towards the horizon and yes, the world is your oyster. For all the cliche bullshit that comes with, it's true. Stay safe bud.


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OfflineDJ Ed
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Registered: 09/04/16
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother [Re: LosTresOjos]
    #27070237 - 12/03/20 03:33 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

Thank you. Your words, and my empathy to your story really helps. The first time she broke my heart was in December 1986 when she told me she was seeing someone else. I’ve never been able to love another woman since, maybe that’s my problem, I’m wounded and can’t love anyone but her? I am still confused, everything  is still very raw, nd I can’t work simple things out like: why did she keep coming back and keep leaving? Why did I keep dreaming of her when we were apart, and miserable when I was with her, yet never for one second consider the option of leaving her? 37 years brother. The mushrooms were seriously trying to show this to me, I just didn’t see it. I see it now.

Doesn’t stop the pain though brother.

I have a number of mantras I repeat throughout each day. This too will pass; you are stronger than this; choose happiness; everything will be alright...and so on

I’ll get there. I either need to learn to hate her, or to accept what has happened. At 54, it feels a heck of an age to start a brand new life, but might be what I’ve always needed. I’m trying to work out when and how I take my next mushroom dose. I think I am probably too messed up at the moment, too unstable to have a high dose breakthrough trip,

Too many decisions :cookiemonster:
Mush love
DJ Ed


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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OfflineDJ Ed
Mushroom Engineer
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Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 2,326
Loc: UK Flag
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother [Re: DJ Ed]
    #27070239 - 12/03/20 03:35 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

My biggest worry is my two labradors. Max is 10 years old now and really suffering. I’m currently working from home, but probably come April next year,  I’ll need to go back to the office. 300 miles away. I don’t know what to do. They’re my best friends and I can’t have them rehomed. Can’t have them split up either. I’m really really torn.


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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OfflineEnkidu
"No-Such-Person"
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother [Re: DJ Ed] * 1
    #27070706 - 12/03/20 08:26 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

Damn man, woman, i'll tell you what...

I cant relate to the length but i can relate to wanting and trying to make things work with someone whole heartedly and feeling alone and uncared for in the whole process

Life is a struggle aint it?

Youre the man DJ

Keep it pushin and see what life throws your way. Cause not being with her is gonna open up opportunities and bring things into your life that otherwise woukd not be possible

Make them travels happen friend

Your time is now yours

That in of itself can be freeing and provide amazing

But this is just a young man's ramble


--------------------
Within You , Without You


:mushroom2::levitate::mushroom2:


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OfflineDJ Ed
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother [Re: Enkidu] * 1
    #27071207 - 12/04/20 05:02 AM (3 years, 1 month ago)

Appreciate your words Enkidu. I agree every sentence 100% except the last one :awesome:

DJ Ed


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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OfflineSocrateshroom
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Registered: 09/05/18
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother [Re: DJ Ed]
    #27071372 - 12/04/20 08:05 AM (3 years, 1 month ago)

It's always fascinating how we've become accustomed to the social structures imposed upon us.

DJ ED, thank you for sharing all of this with us, it really means a lot when someone is willing to be vulnerable with others.

First, I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter, it must have been devastating. And I'm sorry that you spent a large chuck of time with these ominous feelings looming over you, just to have it manifest the way it did.

Although I wish things were different in your situation, everything that happened led us, and the world, to your presence. And for that, I'm beyond grateful. You are one of the greatest people out there. And you have been a great influence on me since I started here. Although you may not see it, the force with which you have acted upon the world, and the events you have put in motion, are grand beyond the scale of imagination. You are a true manifestation of cosmic consciousness.

That being said, keep your head up high. You will be greatly challenged in the months to come. From the pain of such a loss to the devastation that such tears in the fabric of reality leave, there will be great struggle. But the world needs you my friend. The spark that you have ignited on these forums alone echoes through all metaphysical realms. And for those around you, I imagine the effect is even more profound.

Here's to your new journey in life! May wonder blossom in your wake.

:cheers:


--------------------


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OfflineEnkidu
"No-Such-Person"
Male

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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother [Re: Socrateshroom] * 1
    #27071403 - 12/04/20 08:30 AM (3 years, 1 month ago)

:kaneclap:


--------------------
Within You , Without You


:mushroom2::levitate::mushroom2:


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OfflineDJ Ed
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Registered: 09/04/16
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother [Re: Socrateshroom]
    #27072984 - 12/05/20 06:12 AM (3 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Socrateshroom said:
It's always fascinating how we've become accustomed to the social structures imposed upon us.

DJ ED, thank you for sharing all of this with us, it really means a lot when someone is willing to be vulnerable with others.

First, I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter, it must have been devastating. And I'm sorry that you spent a large chuck of time with these ominous feelings looming over you, just to have it manifest the way it did.

Although I wish things were different in your situation, everything that happened led us, and the world, to your presence. And for that, I'm beyond grateful. You are one of the greatest people out there. And you have been a great influence on me since I started here. Although you may not see it, the force with which you have acted upon the world, and the events you have put in motion, are grand beyond the scale of imagination. You are a true manifestation of cosmic consciousness.

That being said, keep your head up high. You will be greatly challenged in the months to come. From the pain of such a loss to the devastation that such tears in the fabric of reality leave, there will be great struggle. But the world needs you my friend. The spark that you have ignited on these forums alone echoes through all metaphysical realms. And for those around you, I imagine the effect is even more profound.

Here's to your new journey in life! May wonder blossom in your wake.

:cheers:




I’m at a loss for words, Socrateshroom; thank you.


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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OfflineDJ Ed
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Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 2,326
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: Socrateshroom] * 2
    #27090768 - 12/15/20 03:53 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

I think I took a positive step today. I found out on Friday, 4 days ago, tht she’s already seeing another man. It got me focussed. So I spoke to her face to face today, for the first real time since she left. I did the first real manly thing I think I’ve ever done in my life. I forgave her unreservedly, I apologised to her for not making her happy, and I let her go. I encouraged her to spread her wings and be free.

It was gut wrenching. But I think it’s positive. I think I might try a dose of “red boy” cubensis I grew earlier in the year. You have to smoke three or four joints before it kicks in, so I know I wouldn’t lose my mind over my recent loss.

Ultimately mow people, I think I need a real macro dose to work my way through the loss of my life partner. But I’m scared.....

Life is such a long and complex journey. You really don’t know what is around the next corner, my friends. Try to enjoy the good times to the maximum, and realise that the bad times are only temporary.

Mush love
DJ Ed


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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OfflineLosTresOjos
Humano
I'm a teapot
Registered: 09/18/18
Posts: 1,347
Loc: Hurling Through Space
Last seen: 2 years, 29 days
Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: DJ Ed]
    #27090988 - 12/15/20 06:33 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

DJ,

  I don't really have anything to say. I read your comment about forgiveness and hate, and went to comment but saw you had already chosen the path of least resistance.
You seem to be ahead of the curve buddy. So just keep at it. Things will get better with time.

As you know, life is a complex weave of something.


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OfflineRat-a-Tat
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: LosTresOjos] * 1
    #27091046 - 12/15/20 07:20 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

Hey DJ Ed - I’ve seen your posts around a bunch, thanks for sharing your story.  One thing that you said that struck me was that you are going to focus on loving yourself before you think about someone else loving you.  I would encourage you to not have this mindset.  For 30 years I never loved myself.  I was an addict, manipulator and not a horrible person, but not a good guy.  I met my wife 5 years ago and she completely transformed me.  She showed me what true love is, and through a lot of healing and her, I’ve learned how to love myself.  Just saying - sometimes others can heal us, where we have tried 1,000 times to do it ourselves.  Much love my friend!


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OfflineSocrateshroom
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Registered: 09/05/18
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: DJ Ed]
    #27092132 - 12/16/20 12:54 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

DJ Ed said:
I forgave her unreservedly, I apologised to her for not making her happy, and I let her go. I encouraged her to spread her wings and be free.





That takes a lot of courage. I commend you for your strength. Be proud of yourself for how you're handling everything. I, and most other people, would probably tell her off.

Quote:

DJ Ed said:
It was gut wrenching. But I think it’s positive. I think I might try a dose of “red boy” cubensis I grew earlier in the year. You have to smoke three or four joints before it kicks in, so I know I wouldn’t lose my mind over my recent loss.

Ultimately mow people, I think I need a real macro dose to work my way through the loss of my life partner. But I’m scared.....





Do not be scared. You are such an incredible person and how you're handling this is unbelievably mature. Maybe it isn't the right time yet to trip. But there's one thing I learned from here

"If you wait until you are in a perfect state to trip, you'll either be waiting forever or come to find no need to trip".

Perhaps wait a bit longer, only you can decide. But if it calls to you, their summons are enough to make you ready.

:heart:


--------------------


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OfflineEugene Gesuale
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Registered: 04/12/20
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: Socrateshroom]
    #27092415 - 12/16/20 03:37 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

I am so glad to know I’m not the only one struggling with my spouse. I wish she could see the mushrooms for what they really are. She doesn’t understand how they have and will keep me from using heroin and meth again. We have 2 small children and I want to be alive to see them graduate and get married. I have been the one thinking about leaving her because I need mush cult to preserve my life a d sanity. Where do I turn from here. My depression won’t wait for the law to catch up like she continues to tout


--------------------
Everything in life is a trade-off.

All posts made by this account are purely satirical in nature.


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OfflineDJ Ed
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: Eugene Gesuale]
    #27093865 - 12/17/20 10:40 AM (3 years, 1 month ago)

My wife supported me fully; what that means with hindsight was she tolerated it!! I took her through all the research, books, videos, lots of conversation. Don’t know what to suggest,,maybe try talking to her about the research; stress your sanity and reasons for wanting to keep it to see your children mature.

Mush love
DJ Ed

p.s. I’m seeing a counsellor next week; hoping to learn how to forgive, how to move,on from the past, and how to live in the present. I’m feeling optimistic after 2 months of hell :thumbup:


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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OfflineEugene Gesuale
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Other


Registered: 04/12/20
Posts: 1,920
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: DJ Ed]
    #27094009 - 12/17/20 11:55 AM (3 years, 1 month ago)

I have done all the above myself. She has threatened to take the kids and leave if I ever do it again. I am glad you are getting to talk to a professional. I am as well.


--------------------
Everything in life is a trade-off.

All posts made by this account are purely satirical in nature.


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InvisiblecoAsTal
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: DJ Ed]
    #27094993 - 12/17/20 09:35 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

I'm saddened to see this news Ed-- you have my prayers and positive hopes coming your way.

Quote:

DJ Ed said:
I’m going to learn to love myself before even considering the notion of somebody loving me.




I would like to offer a thought on what you wrote above-- because maybe this was a partial cause of the marriage failing.
You were both kids when you met-- it it possible you (and her) never fully developed your own sense of identity-- that sense of truly individual "you-ness' that you grow into and grow to love through trial and tribulation?
It's that sense of knowing oneself, flaws to fantastic, and learning to love the person you are that allows for a true bonding of individuals.

It gives you strength, center, and a true ability to give yourself to another. Without that ownership of yourself-- that love of who and what you are on your own merits, you can never really give yourself to a soulmate, because you don't really have possession of that which you wish to give.

Sometimes, we mistake loving someone else for completeness, but the completeness must come first-- in being at peace with yourself and all that you are, before you can add that to another and reach a higher state together.

It will take time, but you are going to be OK-- and a better man tomorrow that you are today-- I wish you love and happiness, friend--

:hug:


--------------------
I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the Heart's affections and the truth of Imagination--  John Keats

Spore Trading List


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OfflineOuterbass
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: coAsTal]
    #27095162 - 12/18/20 12:41 AM (3 years, 1 month ago)

Does DMT help with breakups?


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OfflineLoaded Shaman
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: Socrateshroom]
    #27095163 - 12/18/20 12:43 AM (3 years, 1 month ago)



:sunny:


--------------------



"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance." — Confucius


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OfflineNature Boy
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: DJ Ed]
    #27095486 - 12/18/20 08:58 AM (3 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

DJ Ed said:
p.s. I’m seeing a counsellor next week; hoping to learn how to forgive, how to move,on from the past, and how to live in the present. I’m feeling optimistic after 2 months of hell :thumbup:




Hey, brother:

I'm glad to see you are going to speak to a professional about your situation.  Much good advice and loving vibes have already been offered ahead of me, but I do have one thing I'd like to add.

Back in college I was separated from a woman for whom I had great feelings.  She went off hosteling across Europe while I remained stateside, occupied by my studies.  We eventually broke up through a series of expensive long-distance collect-telephone calls that left me feeling like I had barbed wire in my heart, mind and stomach.  This brought be in contact with one of the school counselors.  He gave me an interesting perspective to consider which I offer to you now.  He advised that I practice the adoption of the position in my mind that "The loss is all hers."  But not in a mean-spirited way.  This position helps to affirm your own self-worth. 

Also, he pointed out something that I hadn't considered - that actually came true in the future!  He pointed out that neither of us was dead, and that EVENTUALLY she would return home to the USA...which of course she did.  By that time I had finished the didactic portion of medical school and was doing my internship and residency.  We actually stared seeing one another again for a while...and SHE wanted to get married and start a family. In the wings, she had a guy (a Canadian) who wanted to marry her - but he was apparently a distant second choice.

Now it was MY TURN to put the brakes on.  Did I want her back - "yes" with a capital "Y."  But what could I offer her as a poor student?...so we never got married, and we parted (sadly) each aching over the situation.  So...it's never over for sure unless one of you passes away.  Things change...sometimes 180 degrees. 

In the interim, reclaim your own power and belief in yourself.  Once you have that, you'll be shocked how many positive things flow from that.  We're all here pulling for you.  We love you and want the best for you going forward - no matter what form that may take. You are such a valued member of this community that it is hard to imagine that the same is not true in all the other places in your life.


--------------------
All submitted posts under this user name are works of pure fiction or outright lies.  Any information, statement, or assertion contained therein should be considered pure unadulterated bullshit.  Note well:  Sorry, but I do not answer PM's unless you are a long-time trusted friend.  If you have a question, ask it in the appropriate thread.

                                                                               


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OfflineDJ Ed
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Re: DJ ED, we miss you brother! [Re: coAsTal] * 2
    #27096975 - 12/19/20 02:01 AM (3 years, 1 month ago)

Thank you coastal, appreciate your words. I think you hit the nail on the head; I have been searching my entire adult life for who I am and what it is that I want out of life. I will dig out a trip report I wrote in about October November 2019 after which I declared my depression was gone. I had a large dose and travelled back in time in my head to when I was 20. I thought I saw the real me and my real aspirations. They were to be a traveller following Hawkwind around their free gigs!

Since I was 21 I have been responsible for children; children I never intended on having (she was allegedly on the pill!!). Well my responsibilities have now all been removed apart from my two labradors. I’m looking forward to the counselling; I’m not going for counselling per se, but rather more to do with life coaching.

Take care all and thanks for the support
DJ Ed


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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