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OfflineMizzJazzy
The Loved andLoathed

Registered: 05/02/04
Posts: 479
Loc: Florida, USA
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes
    #2706562 - 05/20/04 05:30 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Here are some one liners and quips from comedian Mitch Hedberg. If you don't know who he is, He has a stoner/junkie kinda 70's-ish delivery. You may know him as the guy who works the counter at "the Hub" on that 70's show. He'll be at the Improv (in Orlando) soon.



I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera...

My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first...

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up"

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at...

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill...

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too...I tried to taste it, but it did not work...

You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together...

2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

I played golf...I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

...You're supposed to yell 'fore' but I kept thinking there ain't no way that's gonna hit him.

I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. "He has three apples left...I guess I can't have one"

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough"

I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."

My friend said to me "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy..." then I thought, man, I should have just said, 'yeah...'

I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I though I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a backflip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Because of [dropping] Acid, I know now that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.

I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufranes. No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish....the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct take over their mouths, and they're hungry. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufranes.


--------------------
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."  -Humprey Bogart

:fire: "Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?" :fire:


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Invisiblelukeboots
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Registered: 02/04/04
Posts: 19,728
Loc: Grand Ole Operating Syste...
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: MizzJazzy]
    #2706595 - 05/20/04 05:35 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

"I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator."

:lol:


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OfflineMizzJazzy
The Loved andLoathed

Registered: 05/02/04
Posts: 479
Loc: Florida, USA
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: lukeboots]
    #2706641 - 05/20/04 05:45 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough"




That one cracks me up because my number is actually 22*-222*!!!

Don't start callin' me now, folks! lol

~Jazzy Tanya~


--------------------
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."  -Humprey Bogart

:fire: "Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?" :fire:


Edited by Jazzy (05/20/04 06:08 PM)


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OfflineMizzJazzy
The Loved andLoathed

Registered: 05/02/04
Posts: 479
Loc: Florida, USA
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: MizzJazzy]
    #2706654 - 05/20/04 05:47 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?





LoL, that's happned to me before! heheheh! :rotfl:


--------------------
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."  -Humprey Bogart

:fire: "Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?" :fire:


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OfflineHooty
Reality isRelative

Registered: 02/24/03
Posts: 2,467
Last seen: 5 years, 6 months
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: MizzJazzy]
    #2706695 - 05/20/04 05:53 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

God I love mitch hedberg...

"I used to have long hair, people would think I was high on stage because people associate long hair with drug use...I wish long hair was associated with something else, like an extreme longing for cake. Your girlfriend's parent would be like "don't bring the cake eater over here anymore...he smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching."



I may be in love with you Jazzy, a girl that digs hedberg...you may be my soul mate. :grin:


--------------------


Without love in the dream
It will never come true


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OfflineHooty
Reality isRelative

Registered: 02/24/03
Posts: 2,467
Last seen: 5 years, 6 months
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: Hooty]
    #2706718 - 05/20/04 05:57 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

By the way he was also in almost famous....he played one of he manages in the poker game...


--------------------


Without love in the dream
It will never come true


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Invisiblewandrnshaman
old hand
Registered: 09/21/03
Posts: 1,196
Loc: Pinellas Co, FL
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: MizzJazzy]
    #2706726 - 05/20/04 05:58 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

:confused:

Did you just post your phone number??


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OfflineMizzJazzy
The Loved andLoathed

Registered: 05/02/04
Posts: 479
Loc: Florida, USA
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: wandrnshaman]
    #2706798 - 05/20/04 06:07 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Rock on Hooty...  you can come over for dinner, anytime! Got a favorite food? I've been jonesin' to cook a cool fella a yummy meal! :flowers:


And yes, wandrn. My numbers change all the time. I shall edit the post tho, as I forgot that I have enemies at the Shroomery. :laugh:

~JazzyT~

P.S. I've menetioned before, I'm so totally NOT paranoid enough... :rotfl:  I have this stupid nature of thinking people are innately good. Stupid me.  :smirk:


--------------------
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."  -Humprey Bogart

:fire: "Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?" :fire:


Edited by Jazzy (05/20/04 06:09 PM)


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Invisiblewandrnshaman
old hand
Registered: 09/21/03
Posts: 1,196
Loc: Pinellas Co, FL
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: MizzJazzy]
    #2706815 - 05/20/04 06:09 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Jazzy said:

That one cracks me up because my number is actually 732-2222!!!

Don't start callin' me now, folks! lol

~Jazzy Tanya~


Yeah, I'd edit this out if I were you. :wink:


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OfflineMizzJazzy
The Loved andLoathed

Registered: 05/02/04
Posts: 479
Loc: Florida, USA
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: wandrnshaman]
    #2706985 - 05/20/04 06:26 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

It's alllll goooooooooooooood now...

It was my cell number in my dad's name anyhow... tee-hee!

~T~


--------------------
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."  -Humprey Bogart

:fire: "Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?" :fire:


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
OfflineHooty
Reality isRelative

Registered: 02/24/03
Posts: 2,467
Last seen: 5 years, 6 months
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: wandrnshaman]
    #2706998 - 05/20/04 06:27 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Jazzy you can count on me dropping in for a visit next time I'm in florida....and as far as cooking I'm not hard to please, I'm down for anything with flavor. What's your specialty?


--------------------


Without love in the dream
It will never come true


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Invisiblewandrnshaman
old hand
Registered: 09/21/03
Posts: 1,196
Loc: Pinellas Co, FL
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: MizzJazzy]
    #2707009 - 05/20/04 06:28 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Is your cell ringing yet? :grin:



Edited by wandrnshaman (05/20/04 06:45 PM)


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OfflineMizzJazzy
The Loved andLoathed

Registered: 05/02/04
Posts: 479
Loc: Florida, USA
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: wandrnshaman]
    #2707209 - 05/20/04 06:51 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

My cell didn't ring once, funnily enough... :laugh: 
(Had this been in OTD, I'm sure it would be a MUCH different story!)



And, would you believe that I've never been to Skipper's??? lol

Going to Ruth Eckerd Hall tomorrow night for Todd Rundgren, though!
:dancing:

~T~


--------------------
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."  -Humprey Bogart

:fire: "Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?" :fire:


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
Invisiblewandrnshaman
old hand
Registered: 09/21/03
Posts: 1,196
Loc: Pinellas Co, FL
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: MizzJazzy]
    #2707260 - 05/20/04 06:56 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

just wondering. They have uncle johns band there on Thursdays. Grateful Dead nite.
I usually try to go. Many kind people there tonite. :hippie:


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OfflineMizzJazzy
The Loved andLoathed

Registered: 05/02/04
Posts: 479
Loc: Florida, USA
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: wandrnshaman]
    #2707432 - 05/20/04 07:17 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Yeah, I've known about it for years...

I lived in Orlando, though, and we had a dozen jam bands playing all over, all the time.

Now that I've been back in Sarasota for about 6 months, I've been thinking of heading up there. I was bummed 'cause I missed Mofro there recently due to lack of extra fundage.

Every Sunday, I go to the drum circle out here on the beach at sunset... there must have been at least 1200 people there last week!

I'll definitely consider heading to Skipper's one of these Thursdays!

~T~


--------------------
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."  -Humprey Bogart

:fire: "Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?" :fire:


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Invisiblewandrnshaman
old hand
Registered: 09/21/03
Posts: 1,196
Loc: Pinellas Co, FL
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: MizzJazzy]
    #2707484 - 05/20/04 07:25 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

the drumming at Sarasota or Treasure Island?


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OfflineMizzJazzy
The Loved andLoathed

Registered: 05/02/04
Posts: 479
Loc: Florida, USA
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: wandrnshaman]
    #2707782 - 05/20/04 08:15 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Here in Sarasota..... what goes on at Tresure Island???


--------------------
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."  -Humprey Bogart

:fire: "Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?" :fire:


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
Invisiblewandrnshaman
old hand
Registered: 09/21/03
Posts: 1,196
Loc: Pinellas Co, FL
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: MizzJazzy]
    #2707811 - 05/20/04 08:19 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

another one. Not very big though. I'd like to go to the one down your way. I'll get directions from ya before Sunday if you don't care.
:smile:


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Invisiblewandrnshaman
old hand
Registered: 09/21/03
Posts: 1,196
Loc: Pinellas Co, FL
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: MizzJazzy]
    #2707859 - 05/20/04 08:32 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

...but not tonite. I'm headed out. You guys have fun!  :smile:


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OfflineMizzJazzy
The Loved andLoathed

Registered: 05/02/04
Posts: 479
Loc: Florida, USA
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes [Re: wandrnshaman]
    #2707903 - 05/20/04 08:44 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Right on... PM me or IM me anytime...


--------------------
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."  -Humprey Bogart

:fire: "Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?" :fire:


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