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quillip
Spiritual Void

Registered: 10/20/20
Posts: 35
Last seen: 2 years, 7 months
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Mindfucked further than ever before
#27062930 - 11/29/20 12:09 PM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Alright, so last night I decided to do a pretty damn high dose that in retrospect I was clearly not ready for. In the name of wanting to definitely experience ego death, which I'm still not exactly sure happened.
This was a psilohuasca combination, where I took 2.5g of rue seeds washed down with a cup of HBWR seed tea (appr. 14 seeds) over the next hour. I then ate 3.5g PE, waited for some effects to show up, then drank a tea of 2.5g GTs.
What followed was honestly just terrifying, and painful. I began getting a headache and nausea, and my whole body felt like it was vibrating to such extremes that it was indistinguishable from pure pain. I started to forget anything about myself and existence (even though it felt like I was just observing this happening from outside myself). I tried to calm myself down, but this made me freak out, and I ran for my phone and called my sister. I proceeded to ask her who I was, and had various other delirious rantings. It felt like I needed someone to retell me my life for this to end.
This whole time I was barely able to move because any effort on my part to do so caused excruciating pain. There was some times when I involuntarily moved without pain, but any concerted effort was foiled. Any thought I tried to grasp at vanished. Everything I was asking or telling my sister felt like absolute deja vu, and the "me" observing couldn't believe that I had actually called her, or that I was behaving this way. I remember saying more than once that "it must be nice to exist." It took two hours before I finally fully realized that I wasn't hallucinating the entire phone call.
Once this stage of the trip was over, I was extremely pissed with myself, and I kept getting momentary pulses of feeling like I was evaporating, but only for a few seconds. The rest of the trip was a battle to feel comfortable, which I lost on every occasion. No position in bed was a good one, under a blanket was too warm or too cold moment to moment. This went on for the next 7-8 hours.
I think I'll have to be starting at a low dose again next time I trip. First trip where nothing was enjoyable at any point, and I don't know if I can take anything actionable out of this. Yikes.
-------------------- ------------------------------ smash that default network yo (but do it carefully)
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WhoManBeing
PsychedelicYogi



Registered: 09/01/13
Posts: 3,773
Loc: Oregon
Last seen: 3 days, 7 hours
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Re: Mindfucked further than ever before [Re: quillip]
#27062939 - 11/29/20 12:16 PM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Sounds like fun guy.
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LeafRaker
nomad



Registered: 11/28/11
Posts: 718
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Re: Mindfucked further than ever before [Re: WhoManBeing]
#27063390 - 11/29/20 05:12 PM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Sounds like a bad reaction to the rue. What, if any, precautions did you take to make the rue safe?
-------------------- Knowledge is finite, ignorance is infinite.
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pineninja
Dream Weaver



Registered: 08/17/14
Posts: 12,468
Loc: South
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Re: Mindfucked further than ever before [Re: LeafRaker]
#27063430 - 11/29/20 05:33 PM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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At the point where you needed to succumb you fought to retain yourself.
This fight caused a freakout.
You want to work your way up to the larger doses...and you have to want them when you do.
-------------------- Just a fool on the hill.
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quillip
Spiritual Void
Registered: 10/20/20
Posts: 35
Last seen: 2 years, 7 months
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Re: Mindfucked further than ever before [Re: LeafRaker]
#27063727 - 11/29/20 09:03 PM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
pineninja said: At the point where you needed to succumb you fought to retain yourself.
This fight caused a freakout.
You want to work your way up to the larger doses...and you have to want them when you do.
Perhaps so, I wanted to succumb per se, I just couldn't figure out how. It felt like there was supposed to be some next step that I was being gatekept from. Too focused on the pain, maybe?
Quote:
LeafRaker said: Sounds like a bad reaction to the rue. What, if any, precautions did you take to make the rue safe?
This time around I only swallowed the rue seeds straight. Seemed as if more people recommended that than the boiling I did for my first ayahuasca(-ish) experience. I didn't get any nausea during the first hour this time (before taking the shrooms), unlike the ayahuasca where I had to violently purge after 45 minutes...
-------------------- ------------------------------ smash that default network yo (but do it carefully)
Edited by quillip (11/29/20 09:17 PM)
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LeafRaker
nomad



Registered: 11/28/11
Posts: 718
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Re: Mindfucked further than ever before [Re: quillip]
#27063987 - 11/30/20 05:11 AM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Consider you diet in the day or two before you consume rue. Also, practice consuming rue on its own and seeing how it affects you.
-------------------- Knowledge is finite, ignorance is infinite.
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pineninja
Dream Weaver



Registered: 08/17/14
Posts: 12,468
Loc: South
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Re: Mindfucked further than ever before [Re: LeafRaker]
#27065169 - 11/30/20 06:26 PM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Yes through the barrier.
My guess is that it was likely psychosomatic pain which can happen...whether as part of the process or in the lead up via anxiety.
You struggled to retain you. You continued to fight the dissolution by seeking confirmation of you from your sister. This will all make sense once and if you let go.
****there is a chance that you were genuinly having a bad physical reaction to a substance and you should be careful... you probably know one way or the other*****
-------------------- Just a fool on the hill.
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quillip
Spiritual Void
Registered: 10/20/20
Posts: 35
Last seen: 2 years, 7 months
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Re: Mindfucked further than ever before [Re: pineninja]
#27065660 - 12/01/20 12:31 AM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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Any advice/methods on how to let go? Like I know I'm supposed to, guess I just can't figure it out. Should I write notes beforehand to remind me to relax or something?
-------------------- ------------------------------ smash that default network yo (but do it carefully)
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pineninja
Dream Weaver



Registered: 08/17/14
Posts: 12,468
Loc: South
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Re: Mindfucked further than ever before [Re: quillip]
#27065695 - 12/01/20 01:50 AM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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my advice at the higher doses would be to make the decision beforehand come to peace with that decision and commit to the experience...or don't do it at all.
One thing that you have now is the knowledge that "you" will be there on the other side of the experience. This should bring some comfort and confidence to lose yourself in the experience for awhile.
There is no shame in stepping back nor is there any in diving deeper.
-------------------- Just a fool on the hill.
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hypercubedmt
Desciple



Registered: 10/15/20
Posts: 16
Loc: Ohio
Last seen: 2 years, 7 months
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Re: Mindfucked further than ever before [Re: pineninja]
#27072418 - 12/04/20 06:36 PM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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14 HBWR seeds sounds nuts on its own O_O
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quillip
Spiritual Void
Registered: 10/20/20
Posts: 35
Last seen: 2 years, 7 months
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Re: Mindfucked further than ever before [Re: hypercubedmt]
#27073382 - 12/05/20 11:31 AM (3 years, 1 month ago) |
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I haven't had much of a response to HBWR seeds alone to be honest, I've just found they make the CEVs of mushrooms more rainbow-y. When I've tried them alone they also make me slightly sleepy, so I added them this time because I figured they'd help me relax more readily. So much for that theory
-------------------- ------------------------------ smash that default network yo (but do it carefully)
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