When I was around 13 I fell into a depression, which got much, much worse after school. Between 2010 to 2018 I spent almost all of my time in bed, occasionally venturing out to do something where my depression really got in the way (active social settings and work attempts mostly).
Got sort of awakened in early 2018 which is another story, but since then I've mostly been having to deal with the outcome of spending 8 years in bed; body got very out of shape in a way that is quite obvious and permanent, and I have no real connections outside of family except a handful of internet relationships I didn't sabotage. Never had a real romantic partner, though I have had casual sex, which makes me feel worse in a way somehow. Missed out on a lot of experiences most people have in their late teens and early 20s. I'm in the extremely awkward and outwardly off putting position of feeling like I'm 19, but in a middle aged body.
Work is a struggle but I do what I can and it works as well as it needs to. Not really done so well with the social side of things. I work for myself so there's not very much face to face interaction there, and I find that people younger than me think I'm a creepy old person, and people my age are busy with their careers and young families. Closest I can say to in real life friends are various older people I interact with regularly where I live. Physically has been better too. It took me 18 months or so to integrate the shock of suddenly 'waking up' in this life, but the end of last year and most of this year I've been watching my diet and taken up cycling, and dropped a few stone. Got one of those awkward ex-fat bodies now. Can't see ever being able to afford to do anything about the extra skin but whatever, I look good in a suit right now anyway lol
I'm not really sure if I'm asking anything here or if I just want to detail it somewhere to help me articulate it to myself.
I'm a 19 year old stuck in the body of a 30 year old who had a particularly rough time, and I spent what should have been my formative years in bed. Sort of resentful of some family for never noticing too, or not caring if they did, but that seems like a lesser problem. I really just bring it up because I assume people will ask how being in bed with major depression for a decade could happen.
I don't know if I'm asking or just offloading so I'm going to post as anonymous.
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Look at this guy on this video. The difference between you and him is, he gave up. Your body image is always gonna be an issue for you, but eventually you will manage to find someone - be it a whale or a manatee, that has similar needs to you.
Okay, fat jokes aside, remember that often many animals in nature, like leopards, spend much of their life as solitary creatures. Often whales don't have pods but swim for ages and ages alone in the oceans sending out sonar until they find another whale.
I was oddly enough addicted to sleeping pills between 18-25... I was very suicidally depressed and have recently struggled with wanting to take ambien and drown (it would be a very easy way to go), especially if the water is comfortably luke warm and its somewhere in the sunshine... a I would like to either have my death be amenable a nice setting, or to strike me down unknowingly, so that I am not aware that I am dying or am dead :p
But the difference is, compared to the guy in the video: he gave up and has to accept a self that he himself does not want to be, so kind of like literally a split personality, in my opinion: I'm not a shrink. Sorry about the loose skin, I mean that really does sucks... I mean you could plump up and start doing serious strength training because I've seen some really fat people beef up like MFs
feel free to PM me, I am also quite a solitary person, and maybe have two true friends, who I don't often see at all, and I spend most of my time annoying the old geezers at the local bar with my 40 year old drunk ass...! Great people :p
I also feel like I'm a 19 year old and now I have to act like I'm all 40 and such, with no family... I have a digital nomad job...
The problem is also, would you like to have like a gfriend or life partner who is fat? Or are you like me, in need of hot young pussy? You see, I really could not fall in love with a fat ho, sorry, I don't mean to be rude, it just isn't possible for me... I think your key problem is if you are compatible with another person who also doesn't have a perfect physique, but who you can accept for who they are, and start your own family, and fuck everyone who forgot about you?
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I was a fat kid in school and was ridiculed to the point I ... ran away with my mother to another country. The bullies in my school, literally my entire age-group bullied me: I was in a sports school for boys and was the only weak fat kid with a tiny dick, HAHA!
After that I returned to my country and started doing yoga. I became as thin as a twig.. I mean at age 19 I ate 1 apple a day.
Now of course I'm 40 and have a thick layer of fat, but I've been like a soldiers doing yoga, pull ups, push ups, and I hate fat I honesty do, on me at least: but I also love eating fat. But I also appreciate my fat layer, I wear it proudly even though I want to be rid of it.
The skin tightening thing should definitely be on your goals-list, because it will do wonders for your self esteem, regardless of cost. Become who you want to be if you're unhappy. Of course I don't know if you have friends / family who can help you on your path, because without a safety net life is fraught with dangers.
And, regarding spending a decade in bed: mate... I am 40 now. I was pretty much a zombie until the age of 32 with no desire to get a life, no friends... I had lost my friends as I had been an alcoholic addicted to sleeping pills in my early twenties: I think I picked that pill habit up from my mom. It was very sad. So rest assured, you are not the only person who has lost many years, or a skipped time period. You can't get that time back, but don't let it cast a shadow over you any more.
Also I would suggest that although it maybe uncomfortable, but if there are hills you can walk up, walk up hill, not just flat, just get the cardio going.
The improved circulation did wonders for me because I drank so much that my blood well, I think its called "blood torpor," I mean I became cranky from permanent agonising pain, had some strokes (minor infarctions)... The improved circulation really does elevate you, endorphins maybe but just the increased energy and vitality makes you feel better.
I'm not a fan of exercising in the morning, unless you have a sober lifestyle, and no pot smoking at night, eventually that shoul dbe a goal: morning exercise. But for me, I had to struggle for ages doing exercise in the late afternoon / sunset:
in 2010 I sobered up for 7 months, I ended up running very very far. If you want something to help you lose weight I'd suggest you buy a kilogram of ALCAR, acetyl L carnitine. I ended up being able to jog 20 + km (I'm not kidding). I had been drinking so much alcohol, that I could not even walk to the shop across the road to buy sweets. I mean I would tremble. I realised that I was critically unhealthy, and started jogging short distances. Like, not even 500 meters. It took me many months but i could eventually jog 3-4 kilometers easily. After 7 months jogging 8 km was a breeze, I Was slender with no real fat layer: I was eating a piece of broccolli (a large piece) for dinner, or a bowl of popcorn, a day... the salt I put on that was like nectar man, haha! But I became unhealthy again, but through my years of bad dietary habits and alcoholism, I was persistent in fighting back because I knew what I wanted not to be, a fat weak person who despises themself because of fat.
But yes, ALCAR works magic, it really does, you'll be amazed... I don't suggest you permanently use it but it sure as hell will turn you into a duracell bunny, I bought 1 kg at herbstoreusa.com... I don't use it anymore and will probably not buy it again - maybe I will, not sure... but its high efficacious. I ended up able to run around 16 km, and then after that a 3 km uphill (that would be impossible for me now). Looking recently at pics of Connor McGregor, I could clearly see he must have used it to get so ripped, and that overwhelming amount of excess energy, because ALCAR activates your DNA to burn fat for energy, so that the improvement of that fat burning function just gives you a shit ton of energy, energy that otherwise is not accessible.
Anyways, sorry, ramble. I still have to become whole, I've got a pretty vicious family that have kept me suicidal for many years, but I plan on disappearing next year, to start a new life, like a snake sheds its old skin...
a fat snake, lol! :p Fuck it, I say!
I want to add that cutting out alcohol is a great service you can do for yourself. However we do have hormesis, where small amounts of alcohol does have an hormetic effect, as do many toxins. One glass of redwine will definitely get your heart going but the platelet aggregation is a bit of a concern to me.
\As they say, don't dwell on the past. I have spent the past 10 years in this town we moved to, alone without friends. i mean I see/saw some friends maybe 4 times a year, and then, I only have like 2. Meanwhile other people enjoy every evening with close friends / partners, families. And prior to that I was also pretty much constantly taking sleeping pills. I still feel like I haven't lived life, being single for so long, and believe me there were a lot of hot young women (and some guys, HAHA) who were interested in me...
Consider yourself a late bloomer, that's all. The important thing is that you don't want your future to be similar to your past.
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Edited by PeterPumpkinEater (11/21/20 02:24 AM)
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