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Beginner Adventurer Registered: 11/23/20 Posts: 1 Last seen: 3 years, 5 days |
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Trip Report: 5.05g alone in the woods on autumn evening 2020 11 20
Setting: The location was a semi-remote forest patch next to a steep bank of a river. The river was to the south-east of my camp and since the bank was on a steep hill, a beautiful view of the sky opened up, with the forest on the other side of the river made up of smaller trees on lower elevation. Behind the river about 1km~ further a train track cut through the forest, with a small train station somewhere in close proximity. In the other direction a thick pine and spruce forest continued. The campsite was on the border of a military training area and before i planned the trip i didnt know that there would be active artillery training drills happening through out the day and night. The weather was clear and beautiful. Sun was shining with very few clouds in the sky, so the otherwise chilly (0 - 5~C) and damp autumn weather was tolerable. I arrived early in the morning, took about an hour hike to reach my destination and started to prepare for the trip. The Goal of the trip was to hopefully face and overcome some inner demons, addictions, get some answers and improve myself as a man. I had hoped i would gain some personal insight and maybe establish a closer connection with my ancestors or nature. In order to minimise distractions i decided to do this trip alone, and stay overnight so i would wake up fresh in the forest with some insights rather than back in my routine ridden commie-block apartment. I set up a small tarp shelter and a small bonfire next to it, the shelter was open and facing the river side (south-east), so that when laying i was able to see the fire and behind it after a few rows of trees the open sky. A bit more to the right i was also able to see the beginning of the mossy forest thickness. I had my last meal, a single sandwich, at around 11:00~, then chopped enough wood to last me thru the night and was ready at around 14:30. I spent the next 30 minutes trying to calm down, meditate, feel myself and my surroundings better. At 15:20 I said a symbolic prayer and ate 5 grams of dried mushrooms, drinking a cup of water with ½ lemon squeezed in. No turning back. T 00:00 (15:20): After ingestion i stayed pretty still next to my fire, tending to it, meditating, i tried reading a bit but decided i would just relax and embrace what was coming. Note : The effects kicked in soon and time became very non-linear, the next time i looked at the phone was 18:05, so any time stamps until then or chronology of events will be my estimates and guesswork. T ~00:15 : The first effects kicked in pretty soon, sooner and stronger than i had anticipated. I was pleasantly surprised by the appearing visuals so i laid back in my hut to enjoy the effects. First thing that i noticed was that the forest started breathing. Moss, lichen, pine needles, the whole forest floor started softly waving and pulsating. Some of the trees started to look like they had faces, sort of like treants from Lord of The rings. The color green intensified and i put my hand on the ground to feel and connect to the forest as i was watching this happen. Overall i was happy and felt a calm wisdom emanating from the forest. The effects were still relatively calm and the forest seemed to stop momentarily every time a gust wind blew some smoke from the fire in to my line of sight. A weird coincidence, first of many that evening, was that as soon as i started looking at the forest with the onset of first effects, a lone woodpecker started thumping on wood somewhere in the distance, creating this feeling that the forest was also talking to me as it was pulsating. Putting me in a sort of trance. T ~ 00:20: Then something happened that i didn’t expect. I looked slightly up from the forest floor to the backdrop of forest trees, through which i could see patches of sky in the distance. I focused on one of the openings which had a small branch swaying in it. Even though the patch was no different than others, the more i looked at it the more detail i could see, it was so tiny and so far away, and i had hints of it looking like hands maybe, but these branches in this tiny window of open sky in the forest became like a window, and suddenly i got this weird unexpected feeling that i was looking at branches of trees back in the place i used to vacation as a kid near the seaside while i was laying in a hammock. I was looking at this branch now and it felt like a portal back in time and those little tiny branches in the distance were actually from the other side of a wormhole and another time. T ~ 00:25: I got distracted by the loud thundering shots of artillery in the background so i lost focus on the wormhole and when i looked back it was gone. I decided to get up and walk to the edge of the hill to see how things looked there. First thing i noticed was the moon. The still somewhat blue late day sky had a clear bright crescent moon present. I fixated my attention to it and started waving my hands gently around it. One of my goals was to overcome my anxiousnes and self consciousnes so i started to dance with the moon and the river. I felt quite in tune with them and relaxed, but probably was just waving my hands incoherently. In any case i danced for a while and looked back at the moon. Bright fractal patterns were starting to form around it and flashes of a second moon were appearing next to it, it was duplicating and strobing from time to time. My attention was then broken by a very ominous Crow that cawed and flew across the whole visible sky. I followed it with my eyes somewhat disturbet until it was no longer visible and moved back to my hut. I laid back and the movement of the forest had intensified significantly to where it was no longer breathing but full blown fractaling and growing and melting together, i turned my gaze to the fire and noticed that one of the burning logs had the appearance of a small aztec like fire god or demon of some sort. Another log next to it looked like its limb. I started to sing low tone hums, roars and sounds to every which one the fire seemed to react differently. As i struck a particular deep tone waves of fractals and hallucinations would shimmer and spread from the fire to the ground and air around it. At this point i still had full control and was enjoying myself, having outbursts of hystericall laughter at random times. Even at this point the visuals were the strongest i have ever experienced. T ~ 00:30 : i stood up to enjoy the experience and take it all in. The humming and random laughing loosened up my vocals a bit so i started dancing and pointing at different points of interest while calling them out by name. “Fire!” as i looked at the pulsating flames, “Moon!” as i wave at the strobing and fractaling moon, “Forrest!” as i turn to the breathing and growing green woods, “Earth!” etc. Getting into this neanderthal shaman character i dance to all the elements and things i see. But then i remember that i am there not to have fun, but to improve myself as a man and to overcome my inner struggles. At the same time my Ego death was starting to commence and i was beginning to transition from pure enjoyable visuals to a very hard Ego death struggle. I was feeling all these forces around me, so in order to manifest my intentions and materialise the outcome i wanted i tried to vocalise it. I tried to formulate and say clearly who i am and what is it i am here to do. “I am redacted”, i would shout out my name, “I am here to !... i am here to improve!... I am….”. And every time i would try to put my thoughts into words i would not be able to complete my sentence, and the universe seemed to laugh at my attempts to maintain hold of my Ego as some random bird would start crackling or chirping. I understood that i am merely an insignificant part of this universe but that still in my lifetime i had to strive to improve myself and i wanted to get the understanding and guidance of these forces. But my ego was fading and i was beginning to fight internally between “I am not an amateur i can handle this experience i am redacted!” and “Just let go, this is insignificant and laughable in the scale of cosmos”. From my previous trip with mushrooms i had gained very strong and good insights into my life, but this time i was quickly beginning to realise that i was catapulted waaay above. My focus was shifting from “i am and i want to improve myself for myself”, to “i am a part of this ecosystem and the mushroom is aiding me” to “the mushroom and this living earth is merely part of this universe” to “this universe is merely in this dimension” to “there are spiritual forces, knowledge and world beyond our comprehension”. It also felt weird that the sky seemed to be stuck in its current shade for eternity now thus time was moving very slowly for me. T ~ 00:40 a loud thundering artillery shell breaks my attention and i turn to the river side and am stunned by what i see. Therein stands a V shaped perfectly symmetrical split pine tree and smack dab in the middle between the two trunks hangs the crescent moon. The symmetry and perfection of that image and the fact that it appeared just as i turned to it seemed so amazing that i had almost immediately accepted it being a sign. I moved closer and the more i looked at it the brighter it shone. I was completely in awe, fixated on that light. It seemed infinite in detail and beauty. Almost as if divine light or a glimpse into the other side. As i was gazing at it i contemplated it being the light of god. T ~ 00:50 I broke the gaze at some point ant turned to the side a bit, the sky was beginning to take on this yellow/orange/reddish color, onto which the ever more dark trees started to look increasingly sinister and i got a hint of a dark force, but i didnt let the thought catch on and i turned back to the forest which at this point was no longer breathing and growing but was full blown alive and various dark bushes and patches looked like wild bison or other megafauna roaming around. A sort of paleo landscape. I stumbled around some more being constantly distracted and overwhelmed by the thundering artillery and all the moving pulsating surrounding forces, the moon, fire, sky, forest. I was beginning to fall apart. I kept trying to keep grasp with reality by shouting random names of objects i saw “Fire!” “Moon!”, bursting into hysterical laughter sporadically. I then turned back to the moon and i was again awestruck and petrified as it was perfectly hidden behind a tree trunk, sort of like a solar eclipse, only tiny edges and rays of light emanating from both sides of the trunk which seemed like a black pillar. This time the sight and and feel of it was even more divine and otherworldly as i was looking closer and closer at the rays of light i got the feeling that i was looking into another dimension or the afterworld or some deep weel of infinite knowledge. It’s almost impossible to describe. I was debating with myself whether this was divine or satanic or something else, i tried to frame it under some cultural or religious frame of reference but then it occured that whatever it is is far older and greater than humanity or any artificial explanations we had created for it. After staring at this amazing sight for some time i completely fell apart and literally just fell on my knees, as my legs which were wobbly for a while now just gave in. I kept staring for a little while longer and then snapped out of it and jumped back up and did some pushups because i assumed that i should maybe warm up a a bit because it was kinda cold. Even though i couldn’t feel much. I stumbled to my hut and decided that i needed to lie down a bit and relax because i was totally overwhelmed by this experience. I looked at the Camo pattern of my hut tarp roof and it was moving and growing and flexing all around and while i was watching it, i felt how i was starting to leave my body. I could move but at the same time i saw and felt my body motionless. I was there and wasn’t there at the same time. But this didn’t feel scary or bad, it was peaceful. I closed my eyes and suddenly the most amazing multidimensional dynamic moving and evolving triangular/oval fractals of these infinite tunnels and growth started appearing and moving. Bright green, blue and red patterns. The most amazing thing. While was watching and soaking it in i could still move my arms, i was touching my face. At the same time i could move and feel that i am there, while also being transfixed in this multidimensional fractal vision somewhere in the dreamscape. For some reason i snapped out of it, probably due to the artillery, and i stood up and waddled again away from the hut. I then saw the first bright star in the evening sky and was transfixed again by the otherworldly light and energy emanating from it. T ~ 01:10 : Then at some point an artillery shell thundered and it seemed that almost in an instant it had turned pitch black. I waddled around and fell on my knee, resting on my right hand. As i look at the moonlit hand i can see the earth around moving and my hand growing and merging into the forest floor alongside all the roots and branches. I can feel the forest, i am becoming the forest. At this point i am completely gone and overwhelmed by everything that is happening. The moon and its transfixing godly light, the symbology and amazingly ?coincidental? Composition of things, the forest waving and growing, the fire with its demonic red glow now making the night forest look even more sinister, the stars with their interdimensional energy. I wasn’t able to handle it at all. Any thoughts of improving myself or reflecting on some life choices were far gone. I was in a completely galactical spiritual dimension where such paradigms as “self improvement” or “being human” didn’t even exist. T ~ 01:20 : Then suddenly horror struck me as i realised that the fire had gone out! I am completely gone, barely moving and keeping a thought together, its pitch dark and the fire is out, its cold, dark. I quickly rushed to remedy the situation and light the fire and what proceeded was around 20-30~ minutes of pure struggle to regain any control of reality and light the fire. I could barely find my hut as the camo tent was blending in with the dark forest, thank god i had my flashlight on me (which took me way too long to find and turn on), and with the help of some artificial light i managed to find my campfire and started to fumble around it. My efforts to relight it were futile as i was just dropping logs on top of it. I took sticks and kept hitting the bonfire with them yelling “Fire Burn!” “Fire good” “Fire keep me alive!”, while also laughing at the myself. I think my sense of humour which i somehow managed to maintain in this situation, kept me from panicking. Because a thought actually came to my mind at that time that i am mortal and i could really die here or hurt myself badly if i acted out something stupid or failed to take care of myself. After a while the fire situation did not improve and i had realised that i just dropped all my logs on the bonfire with it still being out, so now i just had a big pile of logs where my fire used to be. I realised that this will not work and i tried to relax, breathe, and focus. At which time i got a message tone on my phone, which added a side quest to my mind “read the message” alongside the main quest “relight the fire”. The following 10 or so minutes was me using every single drop of willpower and concentration i had to try to find my phone and also find some firestarter solid fuel so i could relight the fire. I finally managed to find and ignite the fuel, remove all the excess logs from the fire, drop some small tinder on it and regain some control over the situation. I was still tripping strongly but the peak had already passed it seemed and the relighting of the fire signalled a slow and chaotic come down that would ensue. T ~ 1:40 ( 18:00) : I succeeded in finding my phone and looked at the time for the first time after starting the trip. I replied to my friend. The small conversation we had and a few jokes we exchanged seemed to calm me down a bit, thus helped me regain control and relax. However when i got back up i was soon spooked again as i realised that when i clicked my flashlight button, it normally would switch between 3 brightness levels, but to me every single mode seemed identical (which i confirmed the day after that it was actually working and they were different), so i realised that my perception was still fucked. Unfortunately i could not enjoy the trip fully as I was frantically wobbling and running around trying to organise things and keep the fire burning for i did not want it to go out again and freeze or get lost in the dark. So i would go out and trip looking at the stars, and then paranoid would look back at the dimming fire and run back trying to keep it lit again. T ~ 2:00 - 3:00 in this time interval i had a few interesting episodes in between my frantic fire lighting rituals, during which my sanity and grounding in reality was greatly assisted by a peace of smoked salami i had found in my backpack and was biting into whenever i needed to relax. On one of the excursions away from the hut i looked at the sky and saw a bunch of clouds in the distance backlit by pinkish/redish moonlight. The cloud looked like a spooky dog/dragon monster face with big thick lips and wide misshapen eyes. As i was looking at it, some of the clouds moved a bit and the crescent moon was revealed again right in the middle between the eyes, creating this picture of a monster with a shining moon tattoo on its forehead. I was spooked so i said “nope” and turned around to return to the fire. Another excursion was actually very calm and relaxed as i was just looking up at the perfectly clear night sky with thousands of bright stars shining and dancing above me. It was truly a magical sight. And on one occasion, also quite weirdly ?coincidental? I turned my head to the sky as if on accident, and exactly on point a big shooting star streamed across the sky. Another beautiful sight that surprised me was a night train. As i was looking at the sky, across the river i could hear a train chooching from afar. I knew that the tracks were somewhere in that direction, but during the day they are hidden by the forest. What was truly magical, is that the night train with its beaming lights and lit wagons was ever so slightly visible through the naked autumn forest as it passed by. Ts ts ts ts tooot tooot. A picture and feeling reminiscent of the train from Spirited away, or the cat bus from totoro. The last trippy vision i had was when i was watching the stars and then suddenly saw that one of the stars was shining from the forest across the river. It as reddish in color, i freaked out and said to myself what the fuck how?!?!?! Stars should be in the sky not in the forest. It was most likely one of the lights from the train station that was also visible in some angles through the forest, but at the time i was literally freaking out, also at the same time machine gun fire from the military area sounded like some demon voice from the forest and i almost shat my pants. A few more visuals that i saw but dont remember when were a bunch of fractal human faces in the sky, and at some point saw another composition of the same V shaped tree but this time perfectly framed in two more distant trees to form a sort of double \V/, and on another occasion a \|/ tree like a pillar in the middle of the V shaped pair. All of these arrangements appeared as i turned to them and seemed way too perfect to be accidental. During this time the effects had sufficiently subsided to let some hint of rational thought and insight return to my mind. I had a few interesting thoughts and ideas, one of which was when i went to pee and i had an immense difficulty in putting my clothes back together as i had like 5 layers on. So i took a deep breath, and just focused on one layer at a time. Which somehow occurred to me that applies to life in general, when you feel overwhelmed by many troubles and challenges, just take it one step at a time, and build yourself up, small steps, from the very basics. It’s an interesting feeling having to put yourself back together, one bodily function at a time, from being completely non existent to slowly regaining control and thought. I had a few more insignificant ideas and thoughts, but mostly i was overwhelmed and traumatized by all the stimuli, information, interdimensional visions, symbology, godly lights, demons, thunder, bison roaming around, me melting away completely into the forest floor and having to survive alone in the cold dark night with the fire out while not existing at the same time. Influenced by that experience, most of my hindsight and insight was like “I’m never doing this again” or “i value and want to preserve my sanity”. T: 5:30 : Most of the effect had subsided, only a small waviness of the vision had remained, and after managing to finally organise my camp and set up for the night so i wouldn’t freeze to death, and after eating a couple of doughnuts i laid down and went to sleep. Lessons: While now (24h later) it does not seem that i have achieved what i set out to. I feel more traumatized than healed. However, there are some lessons that i’ve learned. First: Mushrooms are a very powerful tool, power which at higher does becomes quickly overwhelming. And unless you want to foresee prophecies or travel different dimensions, i suggest sticking with recommended smaller doses. This has been a deeply humbling experience, and i do not recommend playing shaman or high priest without proper initiation or knowledge. As you might end up like the villains at indiana jones and the raiders of the lost ark’s ending, where their faces melted away being exposed to the wisdom. It does feel kinda like that looking into infinite fractal rays of knowledge. Second: If you do however decide to take a strong, or even medium dose, it is important for the safety, enjoyment and usefulness of the experience that you would be in a comfortable and safe environment. With a carer person who would be able to make sure you are safe, preferably a person who is knowledgeable and could assist you thru the journey. Because it is really distracting, distressing and counterproductive if you have to try to maintain connection with reality and take care of your own safety and panic when you should enjoy the experience. Knowing that you are safe and taken care of increases substantially the chances of you enjoying the experience. Third: Nature can be a caring lover, but it can also be a scary bitch. During summer, daytime, when its all warm and green nature might be welcoming. But in wet cold autumn evening and night nature can be very demonic and scary. Red sky with dark tree shadows, transfixing alien moonlight, random noises, ominous red glow from the fire, and the feeling of possible imminent death, compounded by being alone. Not chill at all. Started to value civilization and the comfort of human contact more after this experience, weirdly. The cosmos while being all one and uniting, at the same time can be very alien and indifferent to your puny existence. So at least have a friend with you if you do it at night in the woods.
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