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HalfGinger
Only learning

Registered: 12/13/18
Posts: 131
Last seen: 3 months, 10 days
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The Poo Doom. Trip report 1
#27053364 - 11/23/20 04:55 AM (3 years, 2 months ago) |
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So this trip was difficult for me. It’s been two weeks now and I think I understand what went wrong and what I can do in future experiences to mitigate the negative effects that I had, but I still have some uncertainty and questions and I’m hoping more experience can guide me a little. I’ll just start from the beginning and try not to make it too long.
I had decided it was time for a big one. I really felt ready... I didn’t know how unprepared I actually was until it was too late. After a successful hunt(whitetail) the day before and a few vacation days lined up, I figured now was as good a time as any. My last few trips I had used about 5-6 grams dry, and had pleasant trips. Just the usual you know? So I bumped it up a little.
How can do little be such a huge difference? I went for 7.5 grams... and then added 1 gram from a bag I had been saving. Over the summer I had grown a patch from some spent cakes and a heap of cow manure from the field surrounding my house. A little outdoor experiment just to see if I could. It didn’t yield much. But enough to pepper in here or there, I thought. So I peppered.
I made the tea and downed it. And prepared myself to have the usual, slightly enhanced version of my monthly evaluation and reset. The come up was normal, just watching friends on tv with the wife, so that she could fall asleep easily and then I could do my trippy shit. Stretching, thinking, meditating, just generally enjoy my break from reality. And it was at first. But then something happened. All at once my frequency, and I have no other way to really describe it, my frequency just halted. Suddenly everything was different. I had the thought “of course I would die like this” in an instant I start to panic. I try to get up, and everything is, not hurting, but achy and I have absolutely no sense of balance any more. This worries me more. The only thought in my head was I’m dying. This is what dying feels like. I’m absolutely terrified. I mean more scared than I have ever been in my life. I try to calm down but I cannot shake the feeling that I’ve poisoned myself somehow. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I only have minutes left. Should I wake my wife and say goodbye? Do I run to my kids and hug them one more time? I’m not ready to die. I seriously fucked up.. how could I do this to her and to them? I decide that I would be better for her or them to not watch me die, but I also don’t want her to wake and find my lifeless body.
Meanwhile the aches are getting stronger and I feel, doom. An absolute dread. It’s over. I realized that matter and anything I look at is breaking down. This assured me of my suspicion that it’s all over. I try to run through my head everything that I did wrong tonight. And then it hit me, I added the poo shrooms. When I realized this a rush of relief came over me. I think I’m just tripping on a level that I had not yet reached... I relaxed a little, but the feeling of doom had taken root and was present during the rest of my peak. My CEVs were the most vivid 4D visualizations of patterns but it all had a dark undertone. I felt like I would be trapped in this world of disparity. When I opened my eyes the entire room was melting and warping and transforming into, oddly enough, dark grey and purple poisonous mushrooms. It was honestly terrible. I just wanted it to be over. I clutched my now awake wife’s arm just holding onto some semblance of reality. If I hadn’t had her I fear I would have been far worse off. I thought, no mortal man should harness this power.
The peak calmed and my mood did shift to a happier place. I was just so thankful that I didn’t die. How quickly it could have been the end was on my mind and a new appreciation for the mundane enveloped me. I was thankful to be alive.
I replayed the fear over and over, and while i was happy that I was alive I felt shame. I still feel it. Shame to be scared of dying. I generally consider myself to be in control of my emotions but when I was faced with the end... idk. I know it’s ok to be afraid but I feel and felt so stupid and cowardly. The thought of leaving my wife to take care of our kids on her own due to my own negligence and stupidity weighed heavy upon me. It still kinda does.
The next day I hugged my kids harder and kissed my wife longer than I think I ever have. I still feel like my love for them has been reignited, like I fueled the intensity of the burn.
But now I wonder...
If I had just known that they would that strong and just let the mushrooms do their job, could I have had an incredible experience. I really think I would have been on the verge of a new kind of awakening, had I only been prepared, or had somebody to reassure me. I am toying with the idea of trying the same dose again as I have some more off the poo shrooms left. I am curious to see what I missed out on. But..
I’m scared to feel that doom again. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I usually don’t ask for pointers but I need a voice of reason that may have been there before. Thank you guys
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skOsH
Functionally dysfunctional



Registered: 07/03/19
Posts: 1,372
Loc: the PNW
Last seen: 1 day, 15 hours
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Re: The Poo Doom. Trip report [Re: HalfGinger]
#27053445 - 11/23/20 06:41 AM (3 years, 2 months ago) |
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If you're resetting once a month I would just do your lower doses that you have been doing. With a high trip or takes about a month to integrate everything into your daily life properly, so this was probably your brain's way of saying "no"
When you got family, high dose trips are just kinda difficult to manage I would think, since it essentially fragments your ego and you have to put it all back together like a puzzle or legos and remove the stuff you feel differently about. So this can be dangerous
A trip that is just so strong but goes in the other direction and puts that fire out is equally possible, and then...something dies. I have seen it in some of my irl friends
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Nature Boy
Stranger than most



Registered: 07/09/07
Posts: 8,241
Loc: Samsara
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Re: The Poo Doom. Trip report [Re: skOsH]
#27053735 - 11/23/20 10:46 AM (3 years, 2 months ago) |
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Yow...that was a rough time to be sure. I know it is well after the fact (and I hope you are feeling recovered) but it might serve you well should you ever be overwhelmed with the fear of death from legit psychedelic mushrooms that NO ONE has ever died from ingesting them.
So long as you did not eat rotten mushies (make you sick but not kill you, either) you are not going to die. Have your sitter armed with this information and prepared to firmly insist on the veracity of this in case you cannot convince yourself while under the influence.
Be well, and thanks for the interesting and well-written post.
-------------------- All submitted posts under this user name are works of pure fiction or outright lies. Any information, statement, or assertion contained therein should be considered pure unadulterated bullshit. Note well: Sorry, but I do not answer PM's unless you are a long-time trusted friend. If you have a question, ask it in the appropriate thread.
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HalfGinger
Only learning

Registered: 12/13/18
Posts: 131
Last seen: 3 months, 10 days
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Re: The Poo Doom. Trip report [Re: Nature Boy]
#27054392 - 11/23/20 06:12 PM (3 years, 2 months ago) |
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Thank you guys, you helped to confirm my suspicions about how I could have been better prepared, and I’ve decided to not do that dose again for a good while. I look forward to it in the future, but I just don’t desire to be on that level right now. My lower doses are plenty sufficient for my intents at the moment. Just knowing that honestly makes me feel a lot better :-)
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Northerner
splelling chceker


Registered: 07/29/12
Posts: 14,141
Loc: FNQ
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Re: The Poo Doom. Trip report [Re: HalfGinger]
#27054777 - 11/23/20 11:28 PM (3 years, 2 months ago) |
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I know that feeling of impending doom from a strong dose, hell I've even blown out and believed I have actually died. It's hard to deal with at first, and the gratitude of actually still being alive and incarnated can be long lasting.
It's part of the psychedelic experience once you start exploring deeper. Now you've done it once you know and it'll be much easier to deal with in future.
Take plenty of time to reintegrate. Maybe even have a light trip fairly soon so you normalise the feelings you experienced in that headspace.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Keep well, be kind to yourself.
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The nearest we ever come to knowing truth is when we are witness to paradox.
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