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High onlife.....andcrack

Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 481
Loc: Vancouver
Last seen: 12 years, 7 months
Critique my short story
    #2704316 - 05/20/04 03:16 AM (14 years, 1 month ago)

Here's a very short story I wrote for my English class earlier on this year. The assignment was that we had to write a narration of an event where we learned a lesson in the end. I really like the opening paragraph, then it kinda gets shitty, then just plain cheesy.... but anyways, tell me what YOU think.


My grandfather was a fantastic magician. Every summer, about two weeks after the school year had ended, my family and I would endure the 13 hour long car drive from Vancouver to Jasper, Alberta, just so that we could see him. When we arrived at his cabin, he would always be sitting in his favorite wicker armchair on the front porch with a cigarette, just waiting for us. I found it quite amazing how he always managed to have a burning cigarette in his hand as soon as we pulled in. Then, every night, after the rest of my family had retired to bed, my grandpa and I would sit on the porch, accompanied only by the timid glow of a flickering oil lamp, and exchange magic tricks with each other while I sipped on my Coke and he on his cigarette. I would sit for hours at a time, watching him in awe as he drew cards seemingly out of thin air and made others disappear. At the time, I honestly thought he had some kind of magical ability. Nowadays, I am a bit more skeptical, as I am aware of the nature of matter and thermodynamics ? that matter can neither be created nor destroyed -, and that such ?magical acts? are mere illusions involving sleight-of-hand and misdirection. It was actually my father who later shattered my fascination with magic. However, during those precious hours under the majestic summer moon, my grandpa and I entered our own little world where magic seemed possible.

When my grandfather died in the winter of 1999, I did not take it very well. I was in my room rehearsing some lines for a future school play when my father knocked on my door. Before he even fully stepped into my room, I was suddenly overcome by a strong sense of some negative emotion, some intense feeling that was completely alien to me. I felt that something terrible had happened. Soon thereafter, he told me that grandpa had died. For several minutes, I felt nothing. There was no sadness. No pain or denial. I didn?t even cry.

There was only numbness.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, there was a cold, almost devastating pain that swelled from my stomach. It quickly spread into my chest and extremities and was immediately followed by a surge of crippling sadness. I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotions that were igniting within me like fireworks. I tried to make myself cry, to release some of this ever-growing insufferable emotional pain, but I couldn?t. I was unable to free myself of its grasp. It was as if I was struggling for a breath of air but I couldn?t open my mouth. In a frantic daze, I ran downstairs and put my shoes on, neglecting to tie the laces. I then raced outside into the stifling cold and started running. I still don?t know why I did it. I ran mindlessly down our block, then I ran past the gas station. I continued running until I reached the mall, then I ran some more. I must have ran for three hours straight across the city. I couldn?t feel my legs, or any other part of my body for that matter. I knew that my body was physically exhausted, but it didn?t seem to make me have any desire to stop. My body and my mind had become two separate entities and ?I? ceased to exist. Suddenly, out of thin air, I was engulfed with the undeniable feeling of a comforting spiritual energy. It felt as if there was some strangely familiar presence with me as it pulsated through my body. It was almost overwhelming. Shortly after, I collapsed on the grass of a family park.

There is a phenomena known as ?runner?s high? which some long distance endurance athletes report to experience. Traditionally, after exerting the body to its maximum ability, the ego ceases to exist and out of this nothingness, the person experiences some unknown ?feeling?, which could be said to be the equivalent to the Buddhist state of enlightenment. I experienced an undeniable sensation in my soul that blessed me with pure peace and happiness: I felt like I was once again in the presence of my grandpa. Much like with magic, I had become skeptical of things that did not follow the traditional rules of science and logic. However, I learned that there are some things that can?t be explained by theories and proofs.

?Just because you can?t see the card, doesn?t mean it?s not there.? my father explained as we left my grandfather?s cabin one summer afternoon.

This post is protected under copyrite law.All above content is strictly the property of ?manna_man.Any infringement of copyright property is strictly prohibited.Any violators will be stretched, shot, and then vaporized into a state of anti-matter, where they will cease to exist.

Edited by manna_man (05/20/04 03:22 AM)

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Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,391
Loc: In the jungle
Re: Critique my short story [Re: manna_man]
    #2704647 - 05/20/04 08:19 AM (14 years, 1 month ago)

Hey, I really enjoyed reading your story.  It was very intense and emotion-driven.  My only quibble is that the last line doesn't really seem to flow with the rest.  It seems a bit out of place at the end there.  Otherwise, it was a very nice tale and thank you for sharing!  I'm sure that your English teacher probably enjoyed it also.  :smile: :thumbup:

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High onlife.....andcrack

Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 481
Loc: Vancouver
Last seen: 12 years, 7 months
Re: Critique my short story [Re: MOTH]
    #2705827 - 05/20/04 03:22 PM (14 years, 1 month ago)

Right, yea that last line...
well, I used that line to kind of sum up the message of the story. You can either read it at face value ( the fateful explanation ruining my interest in magic), or at a more symbolic level, ( that there are some things so powerful that can exist without even being seen, such as my "enlightenment", or just spirituality in general.) Know whadamean? The card is symbolic for belief/spirituality.
"People rely too much on the senses to justify a belief" is the message I was getting at.

Anyways, glad you enjoyed it. Personally, I really don't like this story. It was way too rushed, as I did it the night before it was due. But my Engilsh teacher liked it, so Im not complaining.

This post is protected under copyrite law.All above content is strictly the property of ?manna_man.Any infringement of copyright property is strictly prohibited.Any violators will be stretched, shot, and then vaporized into a state of anti-matter, where they will cease to exist.

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