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Stranger Registered: 10/26/20 Posts: 6 Last seen: 2 years, 11 months |
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This could be a long post, who knows, I'm only really writing it now as I have this worry that I'll forget today, and I feel like I need to remember it for some reason....
So settle in with a brew, this shall be the longest first post I've ever made! Although, no one really needs to read it, it's more of a rambling than anything I don't know why I'm writing it here, it just seems right ---- For a good part of 2020 I'd been dabbling with the idea of using DMT, sourced the materials, researched techniques, the lot, and everything just say there. Never quite taking the next step. May not seem relevant. May not be, who knows, it feels relevant right now. Not so long ago, I started looking for mushrooms. I want to say a couple of months, I don't really recall when I started, and all day today I've been trying to recall why I started looking, but I just don't remember. Anyway, I've travelled a few places, used the mushroom map, stood in the centre of the darkest of red squares, found nothing more than a couple of mushrooms, probably enough to make a few micro-doses out of, but nothing more. Side note - I have become fascinated with the sheer number of mushrooms, and the varieties everywhere, the more I looked for the 'one', the more I found of so many other varieties. And Fly Argaric, everywhere I looked that little bastard would be, one to try, but not yet, another time maybe. So, I decided, let's buy a growing kit, it seemed like a simple step, one that quickly developed into 'I'll understand a little about growing them, can learn how to take spore prints, and grow more'. In my head, I've already got myself a little outdoor patch, and I haven't even started. Anyway, I digress... Grow kit ordered, I added some truffles, why not I figured, they can become an intro. Delivery date was.... today! I'd had a pretty busy weekend, including scouring a field, red in colour in the mushroom map, everything was perfect, it was elevated, I knew the field well, it was grazed by sheep regularly, and I had access to wander it looking for as long as it took. Nothing, again, lot's of mushrooms, but not the ones I wanted. The weekend ended with another failed hunt, in woodland that a website (I forget the name) had recorded a confirmed sighting of Cyans over the past years, but nothing. Oh well, package is delivered Monday, I'll go a different route. Walking the dog this morning, just me and him wandering the woods not really achieving anything other than him having his daily dose of squirrel chasing. So, this bit will sound made up, and believe me, I've tried to work out why, but I just can't fathom it. At the end of a path just before I took a right turn, something caught my eye, I'd just found a patch of Cyans. When I say caught my eye, it was about 9 of them. Under a tree. Surrounded by nettles. I have absolutely zero idea how they caught my eye, but they did. I'd been looking for these and libs the whole time, I'd found a few libs here and there, and only found Cyan lookalikes, each time I'd rule out a find not being them, but it was closer. The cap wouldn't be the right colour, stem wasn't right, the gills where incorrect, no blue bruising, etc... etc... But these, I knew immediately, without even getting closer, and I have no idea why, but I did. I picked them, carried home and set for a spore print, by the time I got home the blue bruising was obvious, the spore print, after a few hours could clearly be seen as a dark purple. The whole time I was chuckling to myself of the irony, the day I was expecting a short cut to arrive (ok, maybe not a short cut, as I actually like the idea a lot of growing them myself to consume them, but, ordering a kit, come on, even I'll admit, it's a bit of a short cut), I have only gone and found a patch of Cyans. A few hours later doorbell rings, the package has arrived, one grow kit, 2 packs of truffles. I place them all next to the Cyans that have wandered into my life. I stand back and chuckle again at the irony. Work day continues, I knew before the package arrived I was going to eat some truffles tonight, so the whole day has been gearing towards being a little positive, that thought process continues for the remainder of the working day. As I begin to sign off, thoughts wander to eating the truffles. Reading the dosage, The safe side of me said to take half, about 7 or 8 grams, see what happens, and I knew I wanted to make a tea, I figured I'd just enjoy it more. Truffles are measured, I chop some ginger, both are ground down, added to the cup, hot, but not boiling water is added. Left to brew for about 20 minutes, I consume. --- I'm going to pause here, I feel like I need to acknowledge some things. - I've suffered with depressions for years, it has it's good days and bad days. I made comfort some time ago that it will never really go, and some days I have to let it have it's moment, and others, it has to be fought back. It's been manageable for a long time, but, it's still there, letting me know of it's presence. - I don't recall the last time I was happy. Sure, I can smile, laugh, go for a walk and enjoy it I guess, but not, happy where you feel the emotion, it's warmth. I acknowledged a while ago I didn't find most things enjoyable, there was no fun, it was just, do it, or don't. - Over the last 7-8 years, there are a number of things I have tried to strive for, none have turned out the way I wanted. As disappointed as this made me, I'd always try to get up and start again, but each time it felt like I was starting with a little bit less of myself, a little more had been chipped away and was gone. Each time, my whole purpose for each venture, or 'thing', was to better myself to help others. Each time it failed, or fell short, I found it difficult to understand why it was so hard to help others, it should be easier to do this. - Through those same years, I had met a lot of good people, who had in turn become connected to other good people, I don't want this bit to sound all 'they wouldn't be where they are if it wasn't for me', but I do wonder if things would have still gone the same route. I've watched business grown, flourish, and the lives of others grow. I doubt any of it was really because of anything I've done, but each of those things I've watched grow have at some point said it started with a comment made, or a connection, a chance meeting, or seeing something differently through something put their way. Anyway, I felt connected to them all someway or other. Let's be clear here, the credit for any of their success is not mine in the slightest, it's all theirs. I don't begrudge any of their success either, but at each of theirs, I've felt the failure of mine. Let me re-word that for myself. Each time I felt failure, or falling short of what I wanted to achieve, I'd watch a connection grow. This morning was no different. A chance conversation saw someone close get an incredible opportunity. I should be happy. I told them I am. I feel nothing but despair at why I can't keep falling short of the goals I want to achieve. I still told them I am happy for them, and I should be. Anyway, I digress again, back to the mushrooms. ---- As I drank the tea, I was clear in my mind of what I wanted 'I wanted to enjoy something' That's all, I wanted colours, sounds, shapes moving, just to see something wonderful. A huge part of me wanted to be outside, but, first time and all that, I thought safer to stay inside and see how the does goes. So I settled on putting something amusing on, the Holy Grail, I could laugh, and hopefully my mind would begin to get lost in it, as the film would end, the trip would be well underway, and I do whatever I felt like then. Film on, tea drank, 45 minutes later, nothing but a warm feeling. Hmm.... give it 15 more minutes. Nothing more changed. Maybe I need something a little more natural, changed the TV to nature program, something to see colours, and recognisable real things. 15 more minutes, still nothing ---- Don't judge me for this bit, and I don't advocate it. I just figured I had enough around me to convince myself that whatever happened, it wasn't real ---- I ate the rest of the truffles, another 7-8 grams, the total to begin with was 15g, so I was all in. I just munched them this time, with a spoon of nutella before I swallowed, they tasted like stale walnuts. About 2 hours after I'd first taken them, not much really happened. In hindsight, a lot was happened, I just hadn't realised it yet. I had grinned a lot, why did I keep grinning, smiling from ear to ear, couldn't stop it. Wanted to stop it, why was I smiling so much, there was nothing to smile about, I was ok with th day to day of life, and wasn't depressed, but underneath I wasn't particularly happy, it wasn't the life I wanted, so why am I pretending to smile and be happy now. I needed to fix that. The tv had changed, nature wasn't doing it, I wanted something with feeling, I navigated to Tools youtube channel, putting some of their music videos on. Grab the guitar, you can play these, play along. I enjoyed that for awhile. Everything was getting darker, I find comfort in darkness. There is a chaos to it, things go wrong, I expect things to go wrong, it's an easier world to live in. I played some more, I felt it, my eyes were closed and I was playing along, I didn't even know I could do that, I've never really been able to, but I could feel it, the drums, the guitars, it was hypnotic. I stopped, I was enjoying it. I was grinning again. Why. I put the guitar back, I shouldn't play anymore. I lay down, the screen changed. The music videos had stopped. I changed it to a super long video of changing fractals, I wanted to see something surreal so much, some colours change, my world be a little different. All I had so far was grinning, constant grinning and I wanted it to stop. I played 2 Tool tracks, set them to repeat, one after the other, over and over. As I lay there, I began to feel every ache, the pains in my body. My back, hips, knee, shoulder, wrist ankle. Everything Every god damn injury I'd racked up trying to achieve what I should accept was impossible. Should accept, I just wasn't ready to admit it fully. It hurt. The colours dancing on the screen seemed so fake, they were what I wanted to see, and I wasn't, I was hurting instead. I turned them off and lit a candle. The room was darker now, the flicker of the candle, and the same two songs playing over and over. And everything hurt. I began to cry. I haven't cried for a long time. A single tear occasionally maybe, but I cried, the pain was present, and I cried for it to stop. It didn't, it just stayed there, pulsing, making me aware of it. So I should stop crying and deal with it, it's going nowhere. It was getting late now, and I didn't want to turn the music down, I needed to find my headphones, no idea where they are, but I need them, I can be immersed in the music and make it all stop, the pain, the grinning, everything. But, I couldn't find them. As I got angrier with myself for not knowing where they are, I remembered my phone wasn't charged enough to play for long, so it would have been pointless. At the same time, I found my headphones. Couldn't even make it up. Now, during this angry burst of hunting for my headphones, I became increasingly aware of a darker patch out of the corner of my eye. Every time I turned to it, there was nothing. It would change between left and right, but it was there, and I was a little freaked out. Grabbing my phone I opened my email and read one. It reminded me that I chose this, it isn't real, it isn't everyday reality. Embrace it, but it isn't real. Lie down, relax. It's still there, it's stood at my head, but it's gone if I look up for it. What is it. I begin to feel a little freaked out again, and get up, scanning the room. I spent some time walking around the room, every move I made I could see the shadow, watching me. I could feel it now, it was present, I could feel it watching me and I kept asking it to show itself to me. Nothing happened, I just felt it. I got angry, why be there, but hide, it didn't make sense. I asked repeatedly for it to come forward, what was it's name? I should name it, no, I don't want to name it, it should have it's own name to tell me. Why was it there, what was it's purpose, why wouldn't it show itself to me. Was it why I wasn't happy? Why I always failed, was it 'it' that was stopping me from being who I wanted. Was this thing, the reason I felt so broken? Still, I could feel it's presence. Ok, you don't want me to see you, but you want me to know you are there. Fine, play your game. I wandered the room again, trying to turn to catch it out, I failed each time, it was never there. I tried to make some food, the sockets tripped out halfway through, I didn't know they had tripped until later, at the time I accused the 'shadow' of not even wanting me to eat, it even wanted to stop me having food. Although, I still find it bizarre that the sockets tripped, I microwaved some rice, took it out when it had finished, stirred it, went to put it back in the microwave, nothing, screen off, no power, not a thing. Why would the shadow not even want me to eat? Whatever, I ate it anyway, I'll show you, you can't control me. I remember pacing around a little more, agitated and annoyed that it wouldn't present itself to me. Then I decided to just lie down, the time had come to stop fighting it, it didn't want me to see it, it just wanted me to know it was there, so why fight it. I looked at the clock, 4 hours had passed, it seemed like a lot, lot longer. I curled into the sofa. As I lay there, I could feel it over me, I couldn't see it, but I could feel it, I didnt care anymore I just started to cry Why was I still in pain Why could I not be happy Why could I not find joy in the things everyone else does Why could I not feel love, I know I should, but I don't 'feel' it Why is it there, still watching me, seeing me hurt and doing nothing Why can't it jsut stop it I had a flashback to the time, I was 18, maybe 19, I took an overdose. I remember just wanting the pain to stop, I cried for that time, I wanted the pain to stop now, I didn't want to commit suicide, I wanted to live, I just didn't want to live in pain. I wanted it to stop hurting I remember that I couldn't remember the last time I wasn't in pain I cried some more. It was still there, I could feel it, watching. I kept asking it why, why me, why watch but do nothing. I just wanted to not be in pain. And then, I don't know how to describe it, other than, it stopped. The overwhelming feeling of despair, the shadow, lurking, watching, it wasn't there. I still felt the pain of the injuries I was carrying, but the everything just, stopped. I took the time to lie there, messaged my girlfriend to ask how she was, and I have to say, I thanked my dog for being at my side the whole time. He may have wandered off occasionally, but he was there, he was another reminder of the real world. ------ Now, I wrote this, as I didn't want to forget it, I feel like it would be bad to forget it, I just didn't know where to write it. I'm lay in bed typing this, my mind is a little on edge, I cannot get the thought out of my mind of the shadow. I feel like it wanted me to know of it's presence, but not to see it. I don't know if that time will come, or if I'll never see it. What I do know, is that this feels like the start of a journey. I don't think mushrooms are a magic key to fix any problems, but after tonight, I feel like they are a tool to help me explore my mind a little more, unravel it a little, and work to find a peace with myself. It has been an interesting event, I want to say intense, but I don't know whether that is correct. I think I saw things, but I constantly doubted myself. Maybe an evening fighting with that shadow is a bad trip, I can see how it could be distressing for some, for me it felt comfortable, forboding, unknown and perhaps controlling, but comforting at the same time. I think it'll be a little while before I take anymore, I want to see if I can unravel the thoughts of this evening, and focus on growing, and preparing mushrooms for the next round. There will be another, I feel like I need to face this shadow, to confront it and make sure it doesn't control me, perhaps I'll never be rid of it, but I want to make sure we are in harmony, and it doesn't take over. ---
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Registered: 05/03/20 Posts: 167 Last seen: 1 year, 7 months |
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As someone who is also just starting out on this journey I just wanted to say that I enjoyed reading about your experience and that you aren't alone in how you feel. I connected strongly to several things in your post, so thank you for writing and sharing.
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