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OfflineNonagon Infinity
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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #27000754 - 10/24/20 02:17 AM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
A relationship is the last of the things that I haven’t obtained....and lo behold, I’m unhappy.



A relationship will not make you happy, though. Happiness isn't something you can obtain as a result of something like a relationship. Happiness comes and goes in life, like the change in the tides or the weather.

If you spend your life searching for a relationship, thinking that it will bring you happiness, you are setting yourself up for a very rude awakening when, one day, you wake up to realize that you are in a relationship... but you're not happy.

"Be careful what you wish for. You might get it." - Alan Watts

Remember that attachment breeds suffering, as Buddha tried to teach us all.


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OfflineNonagon Infinity
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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: Kryptos]
    #27000764 - 10/24/20 02:46 AM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Kryptos said:
From the harassment angle: and ladies, correct me if I'm wrong, the way I figure you have one try. You can hand her your number once. If she's cold and distant leading up, I usually take that as a go away. No answer is an answer. She didn't lose your number, and she didn't forget that you gave it to her. Of course, any "no" leading up to that moment is also an answer. From then on, I don't take any steps to avoid interactions, but I keep them entirely professional.




I read your whole comment about your system for interacting with cashiers. I agree that it's not harassment to make compliments and to give out your number (that is, to give it out once - definitely don't continue pursuit if you've been rejected). So, you're not doing anything wrong from a moral standpoint, I guess. I think the worst case scenario is that it makes someone feel uncomfortable, which isn't necessarily harassment depending on the context. Still, I think the idea that your actions might be making someone uncomfortable is worth your consideration...

That said, this is why I, personally, don't approach cashiers or people who are working in retail or in the service industry: it's not a great foundation for a relationship. If you're just trying to have casual sex with someone, I guess this is a valid method. It's just a numbers game, and if you keep at it for long enough, one of those cashiers will send you a text eventually. However, if you're trying to develop a meaningful, romantic relationship with someone, I think it's best to just forget about approaching women and instead focus on yourself and the things that you are passionate about.

Which of these two hypothetical situations sounds healthier?

1. I gave out my number to like ten different cashiers strictly because I thought they were cute. Almost all of them either ignored me or verbally rejected my advances. However, eventually, one of them sent me a text. We started talking, one thing led to another, and she's my partner now.

2. I go out Salsa dancing on Tuesdays because I love doing it. It makes me feel alive, and I love the community that it brings together. I have a passion for it, and it's something that I look forward to every week regardless of who's there. A few months ago, there was a new woman who showed up for the weekly meetup. She and I started talking about salsa dancing, initially, because we're both very passionate about it. However, I also started to discover that she and I had a lot of other things in common as well. One thing led to another, and she's my partner now.

Obviously, #2 is healthier. The beginning of the relationship in #1 is based on persistence and mutual attraction alone. It's superficial. The beginning of relationship #2 is based on shared passion, community, mutual traction, surprise, and probably more. it's authentic.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: if you really want to live a satisfying life, you should focus on Salsa dancing (or whatever your passion is) instead of perfecting a system for asking out cashiers at grocery stores. Obviously, I can't guarantee that you'll meet the woman of your dreams just by going to a salsa dancing meetup, but even if you don't, at least you're spending your time here on Earth doing something that you love doing. You can't lose with salsa dancing :smile:


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Offlinekoods
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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: fraki58]
    #27000808 - 10/24/20 04:57 AM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

fraki58 said:
Bro, if you are already ripped then start working on what's on your mind, if you seem interesting (cool hobbys, good chitchatting, avid listener, cool to hang out with) then you will find the one eventually, just, don't actively search for a relationship and it will come i promise.




That’s bullshit. If you aren’t trying then most of your opportunity never materializes.

If confidence is your goal, I suggest a six month stint on Prozac or other SSRI. There is something about those drugs that work well for people who lack confidence due to social anxiety and shyness.


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“if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”


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Anonymous #1

Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: Nonagon Infinity] * 3
    #27000885 - 10/24/20 07:27 AM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Nonagon Infinity said:
Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
A relationship is the last of the things that I haven’t obtained....and lo behold, I’m unhappy.



A relationship will not make you happy, though. Happiness isn't something you can obtain as a result of something like a relationship. Happiness comes and goes in life, like the change in the tides or the weather.

If you spend your life searching for a relationship, thinking that it will bring you happiness, you are setting yourself up for a very rude awakening when, one day, you wake up to realize that you are in a relationship... but you're not happy.

"Be careful what you wish for. You might get it." - Alan Watts

Remember that attachment breeds suffering, as Buddha tried to teach us all.




I know.....that’s what I was saying in that post. Obtaining all of those other things didn’t bring me happiness, nor do I believe a relationship will. Which is why I’ve changed tactics in life. I identify strongly with the Buddhist notion of desire & attachment leading to suffering, and life being suffering. My hope is to free myself of this & the cycle life/death/rebirth. At the end of the day what I really want is lasting happiness & peace.....and that can only come from within.


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Offlineedgar1337
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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #27005666 - 10/27/20 03:30 AM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Just an update, I texted a girl I knew from high school and she sounded excited to meet. Her facebook profile says she's with someone, but she said via text she is single. Not sure what to think about that. We have a time/date planned at a restaurant to hang out. She's super hot, so I'm starting to get paranoid thinking its just some scam or prank. I don't even know why I'm posting it here. Probably because I have no one else to tell.

I don't have any expectations as to what will happen or where it will lead (or rather IF.) But I'll definitely be taking a benzo so I don't ruin it by stopping breathing and being totally quiet like some weirdo. Now I'll be a nervous wreck for the next few days. But I figure even if it fails miserably, hopefully I can distill a lesson or two from the experience.

ANY ADVICE would be appreciated.

Hopefully it doesn't turn out like the last high school girl I hit up; all her profile pics were 5+ years old and she gained "250 pounds", had a 3 year old son, mental health issues (suicide attempts and major depression), acne issues, skin flabs, etc etc. When I last saw her she was at least a 9/10. She kept going on about how honest she was, but didn't tell me how much she changed until after I set the date. Felt terrible about flaking and ignoring her, especially because she probably got her hopes up. But then again dishonesty right off the bat is an ill omen if ever there was one.

So far it seems like a LOT of women lie on their social media/dating profiles. There should be mandatory time stamps.


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"Mistakes are, after all, the foundations of truth, and if a man does not know what a thing is, it is at least an increase in knowledge if he knows what it is not."

-Carl Jung


"The current state of knowledge is a moment in history, changing just as rapidly as the state of knowledge in the past has ever changed and, in many instances, more rapidly."
-Jean Piaget


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OfflineNonagon Infinity
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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: edgar1337] * 1
    #27006141 - 10/27/20 11:31 AM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

edgar1337 said:
Just an update, I texted a girl I knew from high school and she sounded excited to meet. Her facebook profile says she's with someone, but she said via text she is single. Not sure what to think about that.




Probably doesn't mean too much. Lots of people don't really use Facebook these days.

Quote:

edgar1337 said:
But I'll definitely be taking a benzo so I don't ruin it by stopping breathing and being totally quiet like some weirdo.




:whattefuck2: Just go sober, dude. Be yourself. Being nervous is part of the experience of dating.

Quote:

edgar1337 said:
ANY ADVICE would be appreciated.




Be yourself, go sober, don't have any expectations about where this is going.

Quote:

edgar1337 said:
So far it seems like a LOT of women lie on their social media/dating profiles. There should be mandatory time stamps.



A lot of men lie, too. Lying about who you are to sweeten up your online image isn't a gendered thing.


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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: edgar1337]
    #27006315 - 10/27/20 01:00 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

I would advise not to take a benzo and be yourself. U dont have to stress hard about it, its just a date. Also as you said, maybe things have changed for her and she doesnt look like her profile pics anymore :shrug:

Just show up on time, be yourself, a little nervousness is fine, once u start talking, Im sure you will feel more comfortable.


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Offlineedgar1337
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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: Nonagon Infinity]
    #27006537 - 10/27/20 02:55 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Nonagon Infinity said:

Quote:

edgar1337 said:
So far it seems like a LOT of women lie on their social media/dating profiles. There should be mandatory time stamps.



A lot of men lie, too. Lying about who you are to sweeten up your online image isn't a gendered thing.




Actually
there is some new research by Jonathon Haidt about social media and gender disparities. Women are far more likely to use Instagram filters, photoshop, or otherwise alter their physical feature.

Is it sex-linked? No. Men have done it before too, no doubt. But the current body of data demonstrates that women are far more prone to manipulation of their public image.


--------------------

"Mistakes are, after all, the foundations of truth, and if a man does not know what a thing is, it is at least an increase in knowledge if he knows what it is not."

-Carl Jung


"The current state of knowledge is a moment in history, changing just as rapidly as the state of knowledge in the past has ever changed and, in many instances, more rapidly."
-Jean Piaget


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OfflineNonagon Infinity
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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: edgar1337]
    #27006612 - 10/27/20 03:44 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

edgar1337 said:
Actually there is some new research by Jonathon Haidt about social media and gender disparities. Women are far more likely to use Instagram filters, photoshop, or otherwise alter their physical feature.




Instagram filters, photoshop, and physical appearance aren't the only sorts of lies people tell on the Internet, though. I think all people lie about themselves on the Internet. I would suspect that men are more likely to lie about their height than women are, for example. Then again, I'd have to see the study...

Speaking of: Do you have a link to the research paper you're talking about? I couldn't find it, even with some googling.

Quote:

edgar1337 said:
Is it sex-linked? No. Men have done it before too, no doubt. But the current body of data demonstrates that women are far more prone to manipulation of their public image.



Again, if I don't see the study you're talking about, I don't think I can just agree with you on that. Your statement depends heavily on how you're defining "public image"


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Offlineedgar1337
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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: Nonagon Infinity]
    #27006773 - 10/27/20 05:21 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Check out "Coddling of the American Mind" by Jonathon Haidt, and he has some lectures online about his social media meta-analyses. Its raw data from social media-active teenagers and children. As is always the case with science, correlation is not causation. It doesn't mean its definitively true, just that the data indicates it is a female-centric behavior. His podcasts on Joe Rogan Experience also delve into the gender disparities in how we represent ourselves to the world.

Haidt is basically the current Freud; he has rose to fame as one of the greatest contemporary psychologists. Especially after his Moral Foundations paradigm, and his study in political polarization and other hot-topics. He currently is a professor at NYU, but his work and knowledge extends far beyond the podium.

And this is a pretty pedestrian truth. Do women put more time into getting themselves ready in the morning? Usually yes. Do they spend more time preening or attending to their appearance? Also yes. Do they spend more free-income for aesthetic purchases like makeup and clothing? Yes. This is common sense, and very culture-related. I am not making moral attributions by saying it is good/bad right/wrong, just that it is a persistent theme in Western culture. It is also not an unreasonable logical assumption that this translates to the digital world too - and women's care about their appearance translates onto social media too.


--------------------

"Mistakes are, after all, the foundations of truth, and if a man does not know what a thing is, it is at least an increase in knowledge if he knows what it is not."

-Carl Jung


"The current state of knowledge is a moment in history, changing just as rapidly as the state of knowledge in the past has ever changed and, in many instances, more rapidly."
-Jean Piaget


Edited by edgar1337 (10/27/20 05:26 PM)


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OfflineNonagon Infinity
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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: edgar1337] * 1
    #27007007 - 10/27/20 07:19 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

edgar1337 said:
And this is a pretty pedestrian truth. Do women put more time into getting themselves ready in the morning? Usually yes. Do they spend more time preening or attending to their appearance? Also yes. Do they spend more free-income for aesthetic purchases like makeup and clothing? Yes. This is common sense, and very culture-related.




But that's not what you said, originally. Your original statement was that women are more likely to lie on their social media and dating profiles than men are, which is very different from saying that women put more of an effort into altering their appearance than men do. I will agree that women spend more resources on their physical appearance than men do, but to draw the conclusion from this fact that women are more likely to lie on the internet than men are is bogus.


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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: edgar1337]
    #27007086 - 10/27/20 08:00 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

I think its OK to take a benzo man, it might help you see what its like when youre not freaking out. Think of it as a tool. Obviosuly keep in mind that you dont want to be on benzos for every opportunity.

Some advice for the event, keep a smile on your face, not smiling at all can be 100% detrimental, and remember; no proving yourself, its not an exam, just hanging out and exploring life.


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Offlineedgar1337
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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: trees]
    #27010846 - 10/29/20 05:21 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

I FUCKED UP. I took a benzo like 6 hours prior and started stumbling and slurring my speech. I thought I had a tolerance. Guess not. By the time of the date, I was (mostly) sobered up but still not sober. I was functioning normally, just with social inhibition and no fear.

We ate at a restaurant, and spoke about a lot of different things we both have a passion for. She seemed engaged in the conversations. At one point she said "good looking and socially awkward people like us" - which seemed like a low-key way to tell me she was attracted to me, or worst case a nice way of telling me I'm weird by prefacing it with a compliment. She did make numerous "you look great!" comments, but those are usually automated responses dispensed to anyone who is sober. I'm not good with dating, don't know how anything works and definitely did not want to "invite" her home like some player, so I said "ready to go?" (after talking/eating for ~75min) I didn't want it to go on and have her secretly want to leave, so I thought it best to just end it early to avoid overstaying my welcome.

She said we should "definitely" hang out again. I don't know what she wants, an intimate relationship, a trip buddy, platonic friend, etc. I'm afraid to make my romantic intentions known, lest I lose the chance to at least have a platonic trip buddy.

She laughed hard at a "joke" that wasn't even meant to be funny, she held eye contact the whole time, and she wasn't checking her phone or looking around (signs of bordeom.) Body language and other things indicate a willingness for interaction and prosocial behavior. But I don't know what to do next.

SUGGESTIONS?


She is super fucking hot so there is no doubt that she has other men pursuing her, so I feel a sort of time pressure to make a move before someone else does. At the same time, I don't want to push it and come off as some player who is just trying to get her in bed. How long should I wait before I reach out to her? What should I suggest we do?


--------------------

"Mistakes are, after all, the foundations of truth, and if a man does not know what a thing is, it is at least an increase in knowledge if he knows what it is not."

-Carl Jung


"The current state of knowledge is a moment in history, changing just as rapidly as the state of knowledge in the past has ever changed and, in many instances, more rapidly."
-Jean Piaget


Edited by edgar1337 (10/29/20 05:23 PM)


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InvisibleThe Blind Ass
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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: edgar1337] * 2
    #27010943 - 10/29/20 06:27 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Keep exploring the relationship and see how it develops!  This is just the beginning man!  Great part of life!


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Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps


Edited by The Blind Ass (10/29/20 06:28 PM)


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Offlineedgar1337
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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: The Blind Ass]
    #27011055 - 10/29/20 07:43 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

The Blind Ass said:
Keep exploring the relationship and see how it develops!  This is just the beginning man!  Great part of life!



How long should I wait before trying to take her out to do something? It feels like the beginning of the end. I feel like if she desired me, she would have tried to take it a step beyond a luncheon. Ugh I hate this. I keep running "what if" scenarios, and of course, the worst-case what-if scenarios.

I think at this point, I am just going to divorce myself from the fear of failure. I'm going to reach out to women I've known to try and score dates. If I get declined, it'll hurt my self-esteem. But maybe that will strengthen it. If I stay in this fragile state where even the idea of rejection gives me pause, I've made myself into a pussy.

I think this is the kind of thing you NEED to fail at, at least just to learn how to live with rejection, and learn that nothing is a sure thing. Logically, there was nothing about our "date" that did not scream amicable. Reading body language is more difficult when your nervous, but the things I did catch were tell-tale signs. And yet, I have a gut feeling that this romantic encounter will lead to nowhere.

I'm probably obsessing over it. Ugh.


--------------------

"Mistakes are, after all, the foundations of truth, and if a man does not know what a thing is, it is at least an increase in knowledge if he knows what it is not."

-Carl Jung


"The current state of knowledge is a moment in history, changing just as rapidly as the state of knowledge in the past has ever changed and, in many instances, more rapidly."
-Jean Piaget


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InvisibleThe Blind Ass
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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: edgar1337] * 1
    #27011069 - 10/29/20 07:59 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Failure makes you learn how to hone how you handle future relationships.  It’s part of the journey.  Think of how many people have been rejected multiple times but still find someone eventually.  It just goes with the territory.  Just keep going.  It’s weird and nerve wracking but one day you’ll look back and see it was actually good times.  At least, that’s how it’s been for me.  Then you find a good individual who you can connect with either instantly or over time and without so many illusions in the way - things just happen naturally, and that’s the really good part.


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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: edgar1337] * 1
    #27011110 - 10/29/20 08:35 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

edgar1337 said:

How long should I wait before trying to take her out to do something? It feels like the beginning of the end. I feel like if she desired me, she would have tried to take it a step beyond a luncheon. Ugh I hate this. I keep running "what if" scenarios, and of course, the worst-case what-if scenarios.






See if you can keep some light hearted careless humerous texting going for a couple days and hint that you enjoy her company and at some point offer 'what does she think of doing something again whenever, no specified date', let her soot back at that. Could lead to hanging out that day/night


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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: trees]
    #27011160 - 10/29/20 09:29 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

At one point she said "good looking and socially awkward people like us" - which seemed like a low-key way to tell me she was attracted to me, or worst case a nice way of telling me I'm weird by prefacing it with a compliment.




I'd say that's a very good sign. Not just because of the compliment but because she apparently sees your social awkwardness as something she has in common with you.


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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: psi] * 1
    #27011177 - 10/29/20 09:42 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

100% what psi said. Also we should definitely hang out again is obviously a good sign. Same with laughing at a joke that you didn't really mean to be funny. 

Be cool and see how it plays out, ask questions and get to know her. She probably doesn't know exactly what she wants with you at this point either. How your follow up dates go will decide that for her. From what you said though, she is absolutely into you.


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OfflineNonagon Infinity
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Re: I'm handsome, a body builder, and STILL can't find a woman [Re: edgar1337] * 1
    #27011289 - 10/29/20 11:32 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

edgar1337 said:
I FUCKED UP. I took a benzo like 6 hours prior and started stumbling and slurring my speech. I thought I had a tolerance. Guess not. By the time of the date, I was (mostly) sobered up but still not sober. I was functioning normally, just with social inhibition and no fear.




Told ya :frown:

Quote:

edgar1337 said:
or worst case a nice way of telling me I'm weird by prefacing it with a compliment.




Usually, I take someone telling me I'm weird as a compliment, but that's just me. Obviously, it depends on context, but usually when a friend tells me I'm weird it means that I just stand out, which is nice.

Quote:

edgar1337 said:
She did make numerous "you look great!" comments, but those are usually automated responses dispensed to anyone who is sober.




My main piece of advice for you is to stop lying to yourself about being sober. You're not "sober" if you need to pop a benzo a few hours before a date. That's not normal behavior, tbh, and it doesn't sound like you have a prescription for this stuff (I'm drawing that conclusion from your comment about tolerance). Judging from the context here, it sounds like you were once addicted to much more serious drugs, and this woman was telling you "you look great" because you quit using said drugs. I know this might sound harsh, but I think the whole story of you being sober now is bullshit if you're still popping benzos. I don't mean to sound judgmental or anything, but it sounds like you still have a bit of a problem with drugs, and it sounds like you might need a wake-up call in that respect. I've been there, too, man. I understand.

In my opinion, the foundation of every healthy relationship is held together by respect and honesty. If you're not being honest about your drug usage, you could be setting yourself up for a really bad time here.

I don't mean to be completely negative here. For the record, it's pretty clear from your description that she likes you, and she'd probably go on a second date with you if you suggested it. All signs point towards that direction. I'm just saying that it sounds like you still have some personal issues you need to sort out, and it's important that you either address them before you continue dating, or you be upfront with her about what's going on with your life.

On a side-note: if you take benzos whenever you have a significant event coming up in your life, you are heading down a slippery slope. Life is full of significant events, and do you really want to get yourself in a situation where you need to be barred out to feel normal? Just food for thought...

Quote:

edgar1337 said:
How long should I wait before I reach out to her? What should I suggest we do?



Just reach out to her whenever you feel like it. You can even text her the next day and say "I had a really good time yesterday," and see how she responds to that. If it's a positive response, maybe you can suggest a second date. For activities, it really depends on what you want to do with her. Just suggest something that you think would be fun to do together. No wrong answer there, really.


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* Getting back into a relationship with women. Strange vibes. Barnaby 501 9 01/21/21 02:42 PM
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