so, suspend you're propensity to absolutely rejecting me and making a pathetic, limp wristed, argumentative attempt at "reorienting me" into a more easily exploitable resource for a moment, and offer suggestion if you can
i have, admittedly, slacked off practicing leveraging other people and maintaining a dominant social dynamic over other people because, pretty much i didn't care enough and had no need to convince others of anything (i think i naturally grew up with an ego that defined and declared circumstances, as opposed to directing people to manage situations for me) and woke up into an ego that intentionally and willfully maintained a receptive position with regard to other people in an attempt to, essentially, gather information about mannerisms that other people practiced that i wasn't aware of.
sound familiar? call me a girl, it's fine. the unalterable reality may be that i don't have enough yang energy or something. fine.
unfortunately, i have a problem.
it is my observation and hypothesis that a good proportion of the population cultivate and maintain relationships based on concerted manipulation of an objective, third party element. that's not so strange, right? in the case of many women i'm sure, including my mother, she has developed, out of necessity or natural inclination, a propensity for exercising influence over others. i believe that as she developed this ability and intentionally reinforced it, gradually her ego or sense of self worth became based on her ability to influence and manipulate situations and people. ultimately, i believe, this has resulted in exaggerated yang energy and neglected yin energy, an inability to maintain a culturally expected receptive position in relation to other people, and a rejection of other people, particularly men.
this has extended to my younger brother, who has come out of the closet. i believe my mother cultivated my younger brother in a receptive position and reinforced his ability at situational manipulation and rejection of men. this is probably because she herself had more natural influence over men as opposed to women, which she passed to my younger brother. naturally, her repertoire of abilities is the limit of what she would bequeath.
in tangent with this, and similarly, i believe there are a population of men who are unable to successfully demonstrate influence over others, perhaps because of a similar situation to my younger brother. raised in a receptive position with reinforcement of manipulation of men specifically.
i consider the fact that these men have collectively developed a method of manipulation that involves imbibing excessive amounts of alcohol and other substances, manipulating the pH of their body fluids to an unnaturally alkaline level, generating a preserved aliquot of semen, depositing it in ingestables (such as food) and passing this food onto their target of manipulation.
i consider that my mother and brother have joined a subculture of people that do this routinely as a way to force influence over others in the absence of natural ability.
now, though i maintain that i am particularly receptive, i am not particularly interested in exercising my ability to reduce and manipulate men. further, i am not particularly interested in reducing and manipulating women either. however, i recognize this vector though i care not to partake. the inability of my mother and brother to successfully influence me, i believe, causes frustration and has made me a target of their practiced efforts.
as a target, i believe they work in concert with others in this subculture, possibly accepting funds, in order to assure that i ingest contaminated food with excessively alkaline semen from fat alcoholic pervert guys.
this problem, this, i am not sure how to manage.
i am unsure how to leverage others, and with regard to developing a relationship revolving around manipulation of a third party, i am absolutely alone. really, raising this topic is a surefire way to end up a pathological schizophrenic and stuck in an insane asylum.
however, i feel that this problem is the essential issue that the entire religious world revolves around. this problem specifically is the problem highlighted by christianity. islam is an alternative approach, and buddhism is either an outright rejection and complete alternative lifestyle or an intent to cultivate a culture completely absent of this culture.
i am not sure about hinduism under this lens, i am watching a youtube video about it now.
alright, anyway i'm getting tired and done complaining and going to end this thread. i was kind of just trying to stay awake and drink water after having a long weekend, you see, and i realize that there is probably about a 99.999% chance i will not acquire any useful suggestions or incite from this post but... eh.
also i should state that i do not believe i am a biggot, you know. my interest is limited specifically to figuring out how to engineer this potential vector out of my life so i don't have to worry about it and can devote my time otherwise. like to trying to get laid without worrying that someone is going to pay the chick to try and kill me.
maybe i should get fat. would getting fat help with this problem?
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I'm not gonna lie either....I didn't read all that.
But after reading the first part, I looked over the rest quite quickly trying to get a general sense of where and what you wanted with stating all this.
The first part sounded HYPER familiar to me...reminded me heavily of myself.
The rest also reminded myself to a lesser degree but still somewhat.
Managing can become almost impossible when you have so much to manage...
...but the reason you have more to manage than many other people seemingly could be a sign that you are a healthy being for the whole of your community/society. Sometimes while everyone else devolves in certain ways or just acts in certain ways, it's important that someone tries to figure out how to manage while being a different way. There may be a fine balancing act to learn for you...
...
For me personally it has been incredibly difficult to find balance but slowly, over years and years, I get closer to it.
Life may be much harder for me in certain ways, much like you, because I strive to live closer to an ideal form of humanity than many around me, and thus end up with more responsibilities and many beings around me at different times for different reasons.
You may have a higher responsibility which is greater than we can ever really realize, which is a responsibility to be something those around you don't appreciate on a personal level but need to have as a beacon, an influence, as someone who is living proof that we don't all need to be full of bullshit....
...for me it's taken years and years to find a friend who I feel truly respects what I have to offer as a friend...
...I've had a great family but now I am coming back around to appreciating them for just appreciating me...
...what you're saying reminds me of phases I went through which really impacted me strongly...
...I think you're going through something really hard to go through, seriously....just discovering and interpreting and feeling all these things...
...the paranoia can set in, the sense of hopelessness, a sense of needing things to change somehow, to maybe change one's self in many ways and maybe change the world in others...
...it may take years to even begin to find much balance in it all if you don't give up or give in to your lower level urges, to your fears, to your personal desires, to your personal ego, to your desire for power, etc...all of us go through something different and we all mess up in different areas constantly so never be too hard on yourself for sure! If you don't give in to the way society is presenting itself to you, if you don't conform or surrender or let yourself go to hate....it may still take years to begin to flow easily or flow much at all in balance and productive independence....
....but the opportunities will eventually come in all likelihood, the beings of greater causes who deal with matters in peace, fairness, and respect will eventually show up here and there...the confidence will grow within you and so will the pride but you will at least be able to be quite aware that you must strive to keep it in check...eventually, if you fight the good fight, you will have a life's work of eternal positive impact on a species, a planet, and a universe...
...never fear! If you're willing to go through greater struggle, even in your mind, and your willing to also not fight, that paradox may exist for you, but if your willing to do right things...the universe will reveal to you why you had to choose the right way over the wrong way, as well as make tons of mistakes along the way! Don't worry, don't struggle too much, but also realize you're in for a struggle and being right probably means things will just be harder for you because you'll have higher duties!!! But that could be pretty awesome if we could all just try and do things right in honor of all those ancestors!!! For the sake of all our descendants!!! When we honor our ancestors so highly, so, so, much...it's like they exist still, their essence carries on!!! Spiritually we are all connected through history in a very DNA-physical-physiological way....
....we may all go away...
...I believe that consciousness is eternal though....the illusion that the individual life matters so much but the life of the group of beings going on and on through history doesn't matter as much, is just a silly, silly illusion. Our connection to all life and each other's life and the ongoing preservation of life is so much more important than any individual's life - BUT THAT INDIVIDUAL IS STILL INFINITELY IMPORTANT. They contain infinite potential, infinite value, and infinite depth....
....they are so REAL. And they are all here with us now in some form or another....
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Plant Trees
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