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Anonymous #1
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 Trauma   1
#26979091 - 10/10/20 08:28 PM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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First, I would like to apologize for abusing the anon function. I do not feel comfortable posting otherwise and I really wish I had the courage to do so. I have had a life full of traumatic experiences, I have always pulled myself up and kept going. Continuing on without addressing things, "staying strong," I am learning that doing this isn't always the healthiest way to go. Anyway, I think my most recent trauma has brought me to my event horizon. That is the only way I can explain what I am experiencing. Because of Covid, everything is by phone or Zoom. Because I have trouble describing what I am experiencing, I feel people are not fully understanding what I am goin through.
Currently, I am in group therapy and individual therapy but I am recognizing such an extreme change that I might need more intensive treatment. My functioning is off, there is no joy or pleasure, cry daily, nightmares or nothing, sometimes I cannot wake from sleep and then sometimes I cannot fall asleep no matter how healthy the environment is, the sleep patterns are so unpredictable that I am nervous about returning to work. Sometimes, I catch myself just staring into nothing, I do not think there are any thoughts in the moment, I am having trouble completing tasks, I am blessed if there is self-care. I had what I think is a hallucination, this was very frightening for me. When I am aware of my thoughts they usually are focused on the trauma or the unanswered questions regarding the trauma.
If there is anyone who has PTSD, CPTSD, or trauma related disorders would you mind sharing your personal process? I guess, did things occur in cycles, what patterns of behavior most concerned you and how did you deal with it , what helped you escape the event horizon, what treatment worked best and was it covered by insurance or medicaid? I usually don't post, but I am really reaching out for some sense of connection, possibly tips for success, maybe some kind of validation with what is happening. If you could please not troll because I am that fragile, but if you cant help it I understand and maybe I will try and laugh with you. Also, I have been scared to smoke pot because I am fearful of getting stuck in bad thoughts. I have the pot but I know this darkness is mucho mucho and without friends or family for support I should avoid it.
I don't know if this post makes sense. I hope it does. Much love
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 lostintimenspc
Stranger
Registered: 03/13/20
Posts: 227
Last seen: 10 days, 7 hours
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Did you have early life trauma? Sometimes the CNS doesn't grow properly, as well as the diaphragm, neck, base of spine etc. giving rise to a marked general weakness, reflected in passive-aggressive psychology or underdog psychology. Have you thought about seeing a physio?
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LSD, mushrooms and DMT are different structural levels within the same magically simulated mystery sometimes blandly called 'life'
Your life, your call.
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 birdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise
Registered: 12/18/14
Posts: 3,222
Loc: so many roads
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First of all, anon or not, it's very brave of you to share.
Because I'm on my phone and would like to know a few background info, will stay brief.
Have you been diagnosed/treated for anything?
Take any illicit substances?
On any meds/supps now?
Can you put your finger on any event that triggered this response?
Personally, I wouldn't touch the weed with a ten foot pipe, think you're on to something as far as potential repercussions.
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From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
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MetalSlug
Registered: 09/05/20
Posts: 108
Last seen: 3 years, 1 month
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Yeah, I would stay away from the weed. These times of Covid, life can be lonely for many people.
I've never had PTSD to the extent that your describing. I'm probably what you would call a high functioning mild-depressive.
Started micro-dosing with shrooms for a month or two. I think its helping elevate my mood and I think other people at work are noticing. I'm more relaxed, make eye contact easier and longer etc, which kind of makes me wary incase they think I'm on drugs...
Sometimes I cry for no reason if an emotioanl song is on the radio.
Usually I find no joy, pleasure in daily activites. I'm trying to connect more with nature and my own true nature.
Sometimes I have difficulty falling asleep, or waking up after an hour and then it takes many hours to fall back to sleep.
Could you describe this event horizon more, I'm not familiar with the term?
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birdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise
Registered: 12/18/14
Posts: 3,222
Loc: so many roads
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While I'll attest, mushrooms have helped much in the past-
Putting it out there that OP has included some signs of a manic episode, specifically the cycles and feeling disconnected. Hallucination and magical thinking.
If you or someone else is having a psychotic episode, by mental health issues or drugs- don't include mushrooms to the mix. Will make matters so much worse.
By only the OP, I have some thoughts, but would like more info. Hope you're doing okay, anon.
Edit- Metalslug, not saying you recommended them, you didn't. And it brings a smile to my face to hear how much microdosing has helped you.
It's a wonderful feeling to intensely receive emotion after being walled off for so long. Don't worry about work, unless you're going in high, sounds like your performance has improved and that's all that matters!
Edited by birdeatingspider (10/12/20 08:18 AM)
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Anonymous #1
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lostintimenspc- thank you and yes I have seen a physio for something unrelated, last year.
birdeatingspider- thank you and no illicit drugs, I have used psychedelics in the past but would not use them now, at least in a self-treatment or self-medicating way. In the past I was diagnosed major depressive disorder with generalized anxiety due to traumatic events. The anxiety became really bad after a concussion. But the most recent traumatic event, well I am told I have PTSD. The hallucination, that may not be the correct description, it's the shadowy figure. But I was getting something out of the cabinet, and thought I saw someone walking towards me from the corner of my eye. The response I felt in my body was the extreme fear one may have when they might need to defend themselves. So I don't know if hallucination is a good word, most of us see the shadows at some point in our life, but I guess now when I see them my fight/flight response kicks in.
MetalSlug- thank you and event horizon usually pertains to blackholes. Not a scientist, but I believe it is where mass (maybe it was light?) cannot escape the blackhole. I think it is a scify movie too. I have noticed in my group therapy I am having difficulty describing feelings/thoughts, I thought event horizon was a great umbrella term for my current state of existence. Knowing who I was before my most recent traumatic event, I would say there is a remarkable difference and it feels like there is no escape. I try, believe me I try, but it seems rather than improving I go the other way, I am stuck.
Yes so thank you. I am in individual therapy and group therapy that utilizes DBT skills. They just approved me for more sessions, which I gladly welcomed. I get some people are skeptical of psychology, and I get it, I have been there. I think it is all about finding the right therapist, because yes, some shouldn't be in practice and some just need more experience. But I love group therapy, I don't feel so alone or shamed over my life and we meditate together. I also get a DBT workbook which has some great approaches for better communication.
I guess I am curious if anyone has used EDMR or neuro-feedback. What were the experiences, what should one look for, what should one avoid when choosing a provider for it?
Because ketamine therapy is so taboo amongst the professionals (some, I am making assumptions on how it seems) they would give a person EST instead of ketamine therapy. It's just the directives for now, maybe once Johnson&Johnson releases their nasal spray that will change. I will not have EST, I would rather ketamine therapy which is available but I would need to pay out of pocket. If anyone has had ketamine therapy, what was your experience with it, pros and cons?
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birdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise
Registered: 12/18/14
Posts: 3,222
Loc: so many roads
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My DBT binder is a bible of sorts. If you stick around, you'll see I'm a big fan. (Or you know, depending on who you are!)
Sounds like PTSD(to me), so sorry you're going through this.
How long have you been with your therapist? Are they only listening or challenging, as well?
How many have you tried?
Seems much is coming full circle. My next big move is to deal with my treatment resistant depression. Fought for many years to fix it. I've tried a dozen meds in all sorts of classes, multiple diagnosis and styles of therapy, institutions, went to a 'private alternative' highschool, hypnosis-worked as long as I kept doing it, biofeedback, ECT, and I think that's where I left off. After nothing working I accepted the reality as a young adult, and grew up with it. Took my Effexor for 15 years, never feeling a damn thing but no neg symptoms either. Gave sobriety a shot, now I self medicate with med that were prescribed. It's how I survived.
Ketamine and MXE were the best depression treatments I have ever experienced(#2 being DBT). I know the system is exhausting, especially when you stick with your ruling challenge, and leave empty handed every time.
But that's the direction I will be shooting for.. I'm at the point that if I can't escape this persisting feeling, will explode.
Other than short term memory loss, no cons. Lots of lasting positives, teachings I have fortified into my being.
Good chance I will move to the PNW if I hit unreasonable walls here.
One thing that makes MDD, BPD (depending on your age), etc so incredibly difficult is it isn't a one sized fits all approach, as I'm sure you know.
How's the diet/exercise. Do you work, or stay busy throughout the day?
Feel free to PM me, if I can help I hope to.
(I deal with memory loss, so not only am I a vault of secrets, I usually forget them)
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From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
Edited by birdeatingspider (10/12/20 11:28 AM)
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Nikon Addict
Another Earthling
Registered: 01/16/18
Posts: 285
Loc: Colorado USA
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
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check out Dr Gabor Mate' work on trauma... He wrote an amazing book on trauma based addictions titled "In the realm of the hungry ghosts" You know, psychedelics could help you under the right circumstances
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personal note: "It’s fair to say I’m stepping out on a limb, but I am on the edge and that’s where it happens.”
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Anonymous #1
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birdeatingspider- thank you for sharing your experience. Isn't the DBT workbook great? In the future I will carry it with me so I can remember tough conversation approaches. I try to stay busy, and I think I will pm you because I am so alone and trapped right now. I will be moving to the PNW very soon, most of my family is now there and I think the green forests will be therapeutic. I just need to get out of this current situation that I am stuck in. I agree, it is not one size fits all.
Nikon Addict- I will look up the book! Thank you. And I agree psychedelics could help in the right situation, like guided by someone with experience.
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meowjinx
Stranger
Registered: 05/20/19
Posts: 492
Last seen: 1 year, 8 months
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The mind is very complex, and mental illness is also very complex
Your symptoms sound reminiscent of both major depression and schizoid-type disorders. Not trying to give you a professional diagnosis or scare you, just saying this because I can relate to everything you are saying
Look up a TED talk by someone called Rachel Wurzman in which she talks about the causes of addictive behavior. She describes how loneliness can in a sense be physically painful, and that that is what can drive very lonely people to seek solace with drugs
I think that the quarantine has hit a lot of people with mental illness issues very hard. Isolation can be a very difficult experience and cause "flare ups" of depressive symptoms. Anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure. Avolition, a lack of motivation to get tasks done. Apathy, lethargy. All of these are also "negative" symptoms of schizoid disorders (negative meaning absence of something, as opposed to "positive" symptoms which include hallucinations and delusions)
I tend to be a pretty reclusive person and I've felt what you are describing at MANY points throughout my life, not just now during the pandemic. Then I end up in a similar state to what you describe where I have trouble finding the "drive" to complete simple tasks and then comes the guilt associated w/ not being able to do what others do easily, which makes me feel shittier, and so it goes on in a positive-feedback loop
For me what has always helped me get out of these difficult ruts is leaning on my family. My family is far from perfect, but they've always had my back and helped me take baby steps to introduce hope back into my life. Medication and someone to talk to can also help a lot. Keeping these negative thoughts bottled up inside isn't healthy. It's great that you're talking to us now, but I recommend telling someone close to you how you're feeling, someone you can trust to not dismiss your struggles as trivial
These kinds of feelings are precisely why I ended up here. Psychedelics have always helped me start to feel better and be kinder to myself, often when I trip it feels like breathing after holding your breath for a long time, or drinking water when you're very thirsty. Like my brain was hungering for something that I couldn't even describe
Best wishes to you, I hope you feel better
Edited by meowjinx (10/16/20 06:19 AM)
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Anonymous #1
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Thank you meowjinx. You didn't scare me. I appreciate your kindness and suggestions.
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lostintimenspc
Stranger
Registered: 03/13/20
Posts: 227
Last seen: 10 days, 7 hours
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The thing with schizoid disorders including schizophrenia is, say, if you were abused or otherwise traumatized in childhood, it makes plenty of sense, to say, suspect your neighbour or become unusually aggressive when pressured. Any trauma is going to make you a different person. The real problem is, you don't FEEL you're truly aggressive, you feel you're someone else, so the juxtaposition creates anxiety and also the diagnosis, so in a way schizophrenia *can be* make believe or just a syndrome that gets applied to really bad cases of childhood abuse or other trauma (maybe some kids beat you silly).
So schizoid stuff can really amount to little more than maladjustment, that is now in an extreme condition. Things like feeling flat all the time can definitely come with post-trauma states. I feel a bit flat after jogging, which is a kind of trauma to the body, say.
You should both do some body work. It's as simple as lying down, clearing your mind, maybe some evocative music, and finding where you feel pressures, tensions, strangeness in the body and trying to get the mind-body to release those tension spots, which can correspond to a massive deal of anger or even pain that wasn't processed, without having to feel anger or pain explicitly. It's not difficult or unlikely to resolve a massive problem that you've had for a decade in the space of 10 minutes.
Something else to remember is that life is just the condition you're in. The outer world is defined and delimited by your physical-mental state.
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LSD, mushrooms and DMT are different structural levels within the same magically simulated mystery sometimes blandly called 'life'
Your life, your call.
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Whatislove
Stranger
Registered: 10/21/20
Posts: 60
Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
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Anom congratulations on expressing yourself, it's important to talk about mental health this topic is taboo for most people and I myself am uncomfortable discussing it with most of my friends as they have difficulty understanding my situation. I too am suffering of C-PTSD, anxiety attacks and severe depression because of an accident at work and other traumatic experiences with my Family in the recent past. So far I have been occupying my mind whenever I can by engaging in activities I have to be fully immersed on. I go mushroom hunting, I film my friends skateboarding and sometimes I clean the house, draw or watch some Star Trek, cook a lovely meal etc. I find occupying my mind gives me a temporary relief of unpleasant thoughts and sometimes I feel better after doing something. It's easier said than done because most days I have no agency over my life and find myself simply unable to get out of bed or engage in anything. I recommend if you can to perhaps exercise daily (are there any sports you enjoy? I know in the pandemic it's difficult to socialize) and also work on eating as best as you can (the quality of the food affects our thoughts IMO). I think vocalizing our thoughts, writing it down, doing art, music, dancing any self expression activity may give you an insight on your situation and contribute to your healing journey. I find that body movement helps move my thoughts too, as in when I'm idle my mind tends to ruminate over unpleasant thoughts and it intensify my issues. Don't forget although some days can be unbearable and all is not well, the sun always rises the next morning, keep your hopes up! I am no expert, far from it. Just my 2 cents here. Take care of yourself Anon, I believe you are on the right path and you shall overcome from whatever is bothering you. I too recommend Dr. Mate's work, it has been helpful in my case.
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Whatislove
Stranger
Registered: 10/21/20
Posts: 60
Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
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Another book which was helpeful in my journey is The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happines, by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche. Although I don't concur with the religious aspect of it (am personally skeptical and repulsed by organized religion), the book has insight on the intricacies of the human mind (I found most interesting what it has to say on fear and anxiety, it has helped me relax and gave me a sense of security/grounding).
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Anonymous #1
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Thank you everyone! It really is nice being able to connect with others who are experiencing similar struggles, have information to share, book recommendations.
And I must agree about Gabor Mate, I love listening to him speak! I haven't read his book but will do so indeed.
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