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Anonymous #1

To hell with it
    #26974706 - 10/07/20 11:48 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Fuck it
You will never know
never understand
You most likely, high probability, never, ever will care

But you did it
It happened
You cannot wipe clean what is already true
What space and time cannot eject
Delusion is delusion
Truth  but truth

I can’t even raise the anger
All I feel is sympathy
Though you don’t deserve it
But I can’t hate you
I will always love you
Such a pity you confuse hate for love
You will never know what is true
Your heart can not comprehend what is real

Nevertheless, I can’t hate you
for this, I hate myself
I punish myself for your transgressions
Crucified by my love

I can only feel sorrow for you
It must be something terrible
To see but be blind

To hell with it


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Anonymous #2

Re: To hell with it [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26976842 - 10/09/20 11:08 AM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Yeah, I remember the wild emotions from when I was young and hormonal. They seemed so important then.
Now I look back with embarrassment at all the time and energy I wasted getting so worked up over nothing. Staying idle made it worse.
You get through it and will grow into far better states of mind-- just roll with it. (and try eating right and getting proper nutrition-- maybe take some good multivitamins-- a lot of the mindless, inchoate angst people feel is because they eat garbage)


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Anonymous #1

Re: To hell with it [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #26976949 - 10/09/20 12:18 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Thanks, that is some solid advice. I do appreciate it. You are right, I am a mess of hormones and chemicals, so discombobulated, so dysfunctional. I usually eat pretty well but I did let my cravings get the best of me the other day. I bet my mindless dribble was caused by binge eating that pizza. It had been a long time since I had ingested processed food. I should do better, I will do better, thanks again.


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Anonymous #2

Re: To hell with it [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26977026 - 10/09/20 12:57 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

They say that "youth is wasted on the young", and it's funny to look back on my younger days and wish I could re-live them with the wisdom of some added decades-- bu the truth is, your feelings and thoughts are so strong because they need to be.
Youth is where the life impressions are made that will carry you into the next 60 years-- and I say this with absolute sincerity: the bad times you go through end up becoming the powerful contrast that lets you love all the goodness in life that you see all around you going forward.

You just gotta get through these days, think about how you can find things to bring into your life to change your idle thoughts and replace them with excitement somehow. Sarcasm is a meaningless dodge-- I'm telling you the truth.

In my 20's for me it was working out and getting into body-building. I'd been a very scrawny little guy my whole life-- and I started dieting clean and bought a bowflex (lol).

As bullshit silly as it sounds, after a month or so of working out a couple 2 times a week I felt completely different-- I went on to gain 30 pounds of muscle over the next couple of years, I felt amazing physically, I felt new confidence emotionally, and all the awful things I had suffered over for so many years started to fade into the past where they lost their power over my day-to-day life.

For you it could be anything-- but keep looking and expanding your activities-- it'll find you if you're open to it.


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Anonymous #3

Re: To hell with it [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #26977130 - 10/09/20 02:19 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

I wish I knew who you were Anon #2 - that was an awesome fucking response.


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Anonymous #4

Re: To hell with it [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26979809 - 10/11/20 10:41 AM (3 years, 3 months ago)

I think you are making a bunch of assumptions. How do you know this person doesn't care?  How do you know this person cannot comprehend what is real and true? Does it really matter to you?  Why?

One can love someone and hate them simultaneously, especially in extreme situations. Real love never goes away and that is true regardless. In the end, the only thing you can control is yourself. You can either forgive them for their deeds, or not. Forgiveness is an internal thing, and you are the only one who can benefit. It will help you move on and heal from whatever you experienced. This person does not need to know your decision. They will need to seek their own solace and forgiveness from the universe. I am sure they are taking responsibility for their actions, and not blaming you. So why should you blame yourself?


Take ownership over what you can control. The only person you need to be focusing on is yourself. Do not feel guilt for their actions and consequences.  In the end, we are only responsible for our own actions and topic the best foot forward each day. Everyone deserves the right to pursue happiness and to be a better human.


Edited by Anonymous (10/11/20 11:21 AM)


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Anonymous #1

Re: To hell with it [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #26979929 - 10/11/20 12:15 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Yes, thank you, I was making assumptions and it never hurts to be reminded of that. I believe at the time of posting I was feeling a jumble of emotions that needed to manifest outward, but not directly to the person. Healing the heart and mind doesn't happen overnight, I am sure I will have a midnight meltdown at least once more. Perhaps I will keep a journal on the nightstand for those moments, that seems healthy. Thank you for your words, I needed them.

Not blaming myself is a bit challenging, but you are correct, take ownership over what I can control and focus on myself. That is going on the mirror so it doesn't slip away again. Thank you very much for helping me to process. I appreciate you :-)


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